Is being to nice a turn off?

LegacyUser

I have been talking to this girl for bout a week now and met her last Friday things have went good so far and we both have lot in comman BUT .... im just wondering to myself now at this stage is the whole being nice all the time thing a good or bad way to be?

I am good to women i like to treat them well show them respect i dont believe in messing around with them this is all well and good i mean this is what men are usually led to believe women want right?

If u dont know someone that long are u best to just be cool with them use the whole treat them mean keep them keen type thing or just be yourself be nice show an interest and go from there.

I tend to pick the last option but i find that i end up looking like the needy desperate one which i am not and its starting to bother me.

sarmer

This is supposed to be the rule, yes. That's what everyone is told, treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen, but as a girl I really appreciate a nice guy. I have no time for games like that, but saying that I do think I am in the minority.

I also think it works both ways though, a LOT of guys like mean girls. I know a lot of couples where the girl treats her guy like crap and the guy is lovely but lives with her behaviour.

BraziliaNZ

just keep her on her toes. Maybe leave it to her to get in touch sometimes and stuff. If she doesn't, well she isn't that keen. Don't smother her. Don't make all the arrangements to see her, leave it up to her half the time.

LegacyUser

Ya i asked one me girl mates she said same thing just dont be first to do everything anymore and see what kinda reaction u get its bloody annoyin though this whole oo by yourself **** how can u be yourself when u have to play games to get anywhere.

BraziliaNZ

yes, be yourself, but just let her do 50% of the work, otherwise you might come across as desperate and needy. This isn't a game it's just a way of finding out if she's keen or not.

Colonel_McCoy

Be yourself. No need to put on an act or pretend you are somebody you are not. If she doesnt like you, her loss........ its not meant to be!

LegacyUser

Ya i guess ill see how goes today i just dont wanna end up losing out cause i decided to play it cool with her.

kenbrady

ehhconfused wrote: »

I tend to pick the last option but i find that i end up looking like the needy desperate one which i am not and its starting to bother me.

If you are not desperate or needy, how do you end up looking like that ?

liah

Just don't be a total pushover. If you don't feel like doing something she wants you to do, tell her. You're probably running around doing/getting her everything she wants, by the sounds of it-- have a bit of backbone or ask her to do something too.

Don't be a dick. Just be confident and don't let her walk all over you, she'll have more respect for you if you're confident.

LegacyUser

kenbrady wrote: »

If you are not desperate or needy, how do you end up looking like that ?

Cause when your led to believe someone is on same page as you and wants same things as u when they start acting cool towards things it makes u look like the desperate one and i have been in this postion before its ****e.

hollis12

well i think were people go wrong is treating a girl with respect and not themselves ie letting a girl walk all over you , this would be a massive turn off but you can treat a girl with respect and stand up to her and not let her walk over you.

LegacyUser

The girl aint actually treated me bad like i mean things are grand so far i just am thinking to meself should i play it cool for awhile see if she is as interested as it seemed in first place.

LegacyUser

Nothing wrong with being nice, it's pretty important. However, "nice" in the "nice guy/too nice" sense you see in numerous threads around here, where it's a euphemism/excuse for being unassertive, yeah, women generally don't find that attractive.
I'm sure Wibbs will be along soon with a much more useful and coherent explanation but that's the short version, IMHO.

prinz

Colonel_McCoy wrote: »

Be yourself. No need to put on an act or pretend you are somebody you are not. If she doesnt like you, her loss........ its not meant to be!

This, 100%. Don't be something to try to make her like you, let her like you for who you are. Don't go down the road of games and pick up artistry nonsense.

If you want to know if she's interested....ask her. Maybe she's the type of girl who hates games and you lose out by playing it cool.

Hrududu

ehhconfused wrote: »

The girl aint actually treated me bad like i mean things are grand so far i just am thinking to meself should i play it cool for awhile see if she is as interested as it seemed in first place.

So your question is should you start playing games?

tbh

nothing is a turn on or turn off in general. For every girl that likes a nice guy, there's one that hates nice guys. For every girl that likes a hairy chest, there's one that likes them. It's pointless trying to make yourself the right guy for a particular girl, just be yourself and find the right girl for you.

prinz

Hrududu wrote: »

So your question is should you start playing games?

I await her thread with interest...'guy i liked, thought he liked me suddenly playing things very cool/games, what should i doooooooooo?? :eek:'

Seriously OP just look at the amount of threads just like that, from girls and from lads. Is it really worth it in the end?

miec

If everyone plays the keeping it cool game then no one will meet anyone else and everyone's head will be wrecked. Just reading some of the replies wrecked my head.

Op you are looking for trouble that isn't even there. Be yourself, if you are nice continue to be nice. If the girl cannot appreciate you for yourself then she is not the right girl for you but let things develop naturally without complicating it with all these abstract questions that may or may not happen.

If you want to see her on a particular day then just ask her and drop all the 'am I too nice' questions just go with what feels right. If you think she is taking the piss or playing it cool then tell her, relationships, whether short term or long term are about fun, getting to know others and in getting to know others, we learn stuff about ourselves, so relationships are all about growth too. Going along by a set of rules that are head wrecking mess that growth, fun etc. Its not about getting it right or wrong, its about being yourself and owning that.

LegacyUser

Heres my take on it.

I am a very nice guy. I go out of my way to do things for my girlfriend when shes upset to cheer her up. If she asks me could I get her a coke at the cinema I will get her a coke its no big deal to me. I don't engage in these pathetic controlling games that Irish couples seem to center their relationships around. I do a lot of things that I dont like to make sure my girlfriend is happy. She does the same for me, just on Sunday gone she sat through a whole game of rugby she didn't understand to keep me happy.

I have no problem doing things for my girlfriend, treating her well and being nice and affectionate to her. She knows that I have no problem disagreeing with her on issues and that I wouldn't allow her to walk all over me. I think we Irish put far too much thought into every single little thing in a relationship. I dont doubt that if many Irish people's girlfriends asked them could they get them a drink during the cinema they would say ''get it yourself'' thinking they are showing assertiveness when really all they are showing the women is they dont care enough to even do one little favour for someone you supposedly love.

Yeah, I'm a very nice guy and do everything for my girlfriend and quess what she doesn't mess around with me. Don't confuse with being a nice guy and treating a girl well with being bland and boring. You can still be nice an treat her well without having to agree with all her opinions.

I'm not clingy because I am nice to someone I love and want to treat them well.

God my family must think I am the clingiest person ever!



Sometimes I really wish Irish people would stop these constant mind games in their relationships. I mean jesus christ showing affection to your girlfriend and doing nice things for her doesn't mean your a clingy desprado.


How about you treat women like you'd treat any other person you loved and be respectful and nice to them? Maybe then there wouldn't be so many relationship problems


People say don't put your girlfriend on a pedestal well I don't agree. My family and loved ones will always be in a pedestal and I always go out of my way to do everything for them an to try when possible to keep them happy. Maybe to many here I am wrong for thinking like this but I don't care.

/RANT OVER.

LegacyUser

Ok i have decided to just leave things way they are and just be myself see how it all goes.

The only reason i taught about playin it cool was cause that is what alot of women i know have done to me or fellas they were with and i just noticed its the ones who dont care or try as much who get all the attention.

I am usually nice and try get know people by talking to them and asking things its just way i am i hate playin games and she knows this i just wanna be straight forward.

So ill just see how things go i will learn more as days go by i guess with what she wants and so on.

Thanks for all the replys ill take everything into consideration over next few days weeks how ever long things last.

Wibbs

t56h wrote: »

Heres my take on it.

I am a very nice guy. I go out of my way to do things for my girlfriend when shes upset to cheer her up. If she asks me could I get her a coke at the cinema I will get her a coke its no big deal to me. I don't engage in these pathetic controlling games that Irish couples seem to center their relationships around. I do a lot of things that I dont like to make sure my girlfriend is happy. She does the same for me, just on Sunday gone she sat through a whole game of rugby she didn't understand to keep me happy.

I have no problem doing things for my girlfriend, treating her well and being nice and affectionate to her. She knows that I have no problem disagreeing with her on issues and that I wouldn't allow her to walk all over me. I think we Irish put far too much thought into every single little thing in a relationship. I dont doubt that if many Irish people's girlfriends asked them could they get them a drink during the cinema they would say ''get it yourself'' thinking they are showing assertiveness when really all they are showing the women is they dont care enough to even do one little favour for someone you supposedly love.

Yeah, I'm a very nice guy and do everything for my girlfriend and quess what she doesn't mess around with me. Don't confuse with being a nice guy and treating a girl well with being bland and boring. You can still be nice an treat her well without having to agree with all her opinions.

I'm not clingy because I am nice to someone I love and want to treat them well.

God my family must think I am the clingiest person ever!



Sometimes I really wish Irish people would stop these constant mind games in their relationships. I mean jesus christ showing affection to your girlfriend and doing nice things for her doesn't mean your a clingy desprado.


How about you treat women like you'd treat any other person you loved and be respectful and nice to them? Maybe then there wouldn't be so many relationship problems


People say don't put your girlfriend on a pedestal well I don't agree. My family and loved ones will always be in a pedestal and I always go out of my way to do everything for them an to try when possible to keep them happy. Maybe to many here I am wrong for thinking like this but I don't care.

/RANT OVER.

+1 You're dead right, but and it's a big but you appear to have the balance right and it's appreciated and reciprocated by your GF mates and family. Your GF does nice things for you with no sense of keeping score or any of that guff.

I do think many men(and women) get that balance wrong and the reasons why they're nice. Some are nice as a controlling thing, others as an emotional bribe. Some go overboard way to early and some do it even when they're getting their faces rubbed in it. As I say there's a balance and fair play you really seem to have that.

prinz

t56h wrote: »

I don't engage in these pathetic controlling games that Irish couples seem to center their relationships around..

+1, there's a whole culture of score-keeping out there that is total rubbish. It seems to be a national peculiarity that even relationships become competitive. Being nice just for the sake of it seems to be gone from the psyche, now it seems to automatically require an ulterior motive.

Lux23

What I find a turn off is people playing games in a realtionship. Just be yourself and do what feels natural and if its meant to be it will work out.

Wagon

Be nice to her but dont let her walk all over you. And dont try and be a friend. Cos that's going to do you no favours.

carlychick

hi,i dont know what age you are? but i am 35 going on 36 and the way i operate is - i dont want to be dealing with nonsense or creap and i hate games, just not into it...........i like it to be straightforward!!! arrange a date and meet see how it goes without all the coolness etc.... however, i was totally wild and flighty and i only in the past liked bad boys but i have finally copped on and i would like to meet a decent guy.im dating a guy at the moment. my best advice is - be yourself. if she is for you well then she will appreicate your nice ness and your kindness if she doesnt well let her go and fly - there is someone else for you. no point in playing games or being cool! however, i am older and not interested in the games so good luck!!

BraziliaNZ

carlychick wrote: »

however, i am older and not interested in the games so good luck!!

from my experience women in their 30s are a lot easier to deal with in the dating game than younger ones, so you're talking sense

How Soon Is Now

Right original poster here cant be bothered to change names anymore lol

I found myself asking question in first place because i have always been nice to women always kinda made the effort they talk about wanting yet just for being nice and thats all i seemed to always finish last.

I dont wanna play games i hate it i just wondered if i did cool things for once like i have seen and had done to me so many times would it make a difference.

Im 23 by way for person who asked.

dsmythy

angerfist2009 wrote: »

Right original poster here cant be bothered to change names anymore lol

I found myself asking question in first place because i have always been nice to women always kinda made the effort they talk about wanting yet just for being nice and thats all i seemed to always finish last.

I dont wanna play games i hate it i just wondered if i did cool things for once like i have seen and had done to me so many times would it make a difference.

Im 23 by way for person who asked.

You don't really need to fall into the games thing yourself. Like you said, it's just not you. You just have to be more direct in what you want. If you find someone to be playing games let them know this is not what you're into and let them know what you want and where you stand. If they aren't interested then you shouldn't be interested in them either.

And this is not falling into some sort of "bad boy" routine. It's simply saying what it is you want and what is good for you. Nothing bad about that at all.

Riverpineapple

Be nice to yourself and to women. This means having personal boundaries and keeping yourself your number one priority. Be your natural unpredictable and challenging self, otherwise you will bore women.