Ex GF back in contact

LegacyUser

Hi, I've been with my boyfriend almost two years and we're virtually living together. We have talked about possibly buying a house together in the next few months so things are pretty serious. Now I know I'm possibly just being paranoid but I noticed that one of his old flames sent him an email out of the blue last week saying how sorry she was for things that happened at the end of their relationship or whatever. I thought that my boyfriend only had two previous relationships which he had told me about, he didn't mention this girl so I don't know how serious they were or whether it was just a fling. Anyway, he sent her baack a reply (I know I shouldn't have read it but curiosity got the better of me!) saying about how he'd also been thinking about her and that they should meet up for a drink. Anyway, since she's been in contact he keeps turning his phone off at night which he never did before. I haven't said anything to him because to be honest I don't know what to say. What I'm wondering is what are your opinions. It seems that this girl obviously has a thing for him still , why else would she get back in contact with him after about 6 years. Do you think that she just wanted to "clear the air". I know it's a possibility but I don't really believe that's the case...what should I do

LegacyUser

Honestly, the fact that you're reading his e-mail proves you don't trust him in the first place. But if what he's doing and the fact that he's keeping it from you is anything to go by, your lack of trust is probably justified.

I had an almost identical problem about a year ago and I'm ashamed to say I also read my girlfriend's e-mail and came across something similar. Sadly when you're worried enough about something like this, drink turns into truth serum so on a night out, I confronted her with it.

Two things came to light from the chat:

1) She was cheating on me
2) I was an a$$hole for reading her e-mail

And we broke up from there. Sadly I know I haven't given any advice as I don't know what I would've done differently if put right back in that position but all I know is that half our mutual friends hated her for cheating on me and half of them thought I deserved to be cheated on for reading her e-mail.

So you can play dumb and hope that your worries are for nothing or you can confront and risk a very serious chat

ash23

Did he tell you she was in touch or did you find out from reading his emails?

Has he mentioned her at all to you?
Did you have reason to be suspicious when you went through his emails - like was he acting different, being distant etc.

As for the phone thing, that is suss. Do you find he has it on him at all times? Does he ever leave it on and in full view? If he goes into the shower does he turn it off?

If he hasn't mentioned her, is acting strange and has the phone glued to him at all times I'd be smelling a rat too.

dublingal80

you have to say it to him. you cant just leave it and have your head melted

obviously you dont trust him since you read his emails, but while i was readin your email i thoguht it was fine for her to email him to apologise for how she was. i similarly got an email from my ex after 4 years we broke up apologising. I just said thanks and left it at that, and told my OH straight away. but the fact he hasnt told you and has asked to meet her for a drink its very dodgy

you can either try to lie to his face and catch him out or you can say you went to check your gmail, his was already open and you saw the email X sent and why is he arranging to meet with her and talk about it!!

seahorse

This may or may not be something to worry about. I still have sporadic contact with an ex of mine, but the difference is my partner knows about it. There are some men out there (some eejits out there, I should say) who have no bogey intentions but decide to keep schtum anyway for the sake of not worrying the gf. Usually this stratagy has the oppostive effect. Maybe your partner is in that camp, but of course nobody on here can confirm that for you.

It's also possible, as you well know, that he has a bit of a fling/one nighter/whatever planned. Unfortunately the only way you're going to get to the bottom of that is to keep going with the snooping. No point calling him out on it, he's hardly likely to turn round and hold his hands up to intended cheating, is he? Usually I wouldn’t give that sort of advice, but you've been snooping already so you may as well get hung for a sheep as a lamb and anyway, I suspect it's the only way you're going to get a definitive answer here. Naturally some people will disagree with me, but I feel that since you're considering shackling yourself to this bloke with a mortgage the important thing is that you get the unvarnished truth, regardless how you get it.

It’s a horrible situation to be in, so best of luck to you, whatever you decide.

Kiera

The fact he sent her a mail asking to meet for a drink and not tell you about it would send alarm bells ringing for me tbh. Why is he hiding this from you? Why is he now turning his phone off at night, when he has never done so before?

I'd ask him straight out. The sooner you do the sooner you can decide what your next move is.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys. I'm still not sure what to do, I know that turning off his phone at night is generally a sign there's something going on but then again, maybe he's doing it as he knows there's a chance she could text him and he doesn't want me to see it in case I get jealous or something like that.
I have noticed that his behaviour has changed a little over the weekend, he snapped at me for no reason a couple of times but then again that could be totally unrelated.

I don't want to accuse him of doing stuff behind my back and push him away if he's done nothing wrong. He didn't ask her on a date in his mail, it was one of those "we must meet for a drink sometime" sort of offers. Now, I'm not totally stupid, perhaps he does have plans to meet up with her but then again sometimes these are just things you say. For the moment I think I'm just going to try and put it out of my head. Although, if he starts deciding to go on nights out without me or anything like that, I won't even have to ask him as I'll already know the answer...

LegacyUser

Thanks sunflower27. I know that there's a fair possibility that he could be up to something but I think I'm going to wait another week or so before I say anything to him. If they're still texting and emailing each other and he hasn't told her about me, (or if his phone is being switched off every night which is as good as the same thing) I'm going to have to have it out with him.

Kiera

sunflower27 wrote: »

For a good while I relaxed and we were going to buy a house together. It was way too soon, buy hey, you live and learn... anyway, I noticed his phone was always on silent and he wouldnt leave it lying around. He'd even take it with him when he went to the petrol station and I was in the car. He wouldnt leave it switched on when it was charging. All incredibly strange behaviour from what he used to do.

Suffice to say I KNEW something was up and suspected his ex.

Petrol station? I can do one better. Mine did everything you just said but also brought it into the bathroom when having a shower. He'd take it off the locker (it was also on silent at night) and bring it into the bathroom.

@OP, the more you delay this chat the more you're going to go insane thinking about it.

LegacyUser

This is so mucked up. He stayed with me again last night and I checked this morning and again the phone was switched off. As I said we'd been talking about buying a place together but as we haven't found anywhere we both liked yet he suggested we rent together first, just the two of us. He's trying to sort a place for us today and talked about buying furniture etc for it. I'm so confused. Is he just stringing me along and secretly wants to be with this girl and hence the turning off of his phone at night. Or does it seem like he really wants to be with me but has been texting this girl (even though he knows he probably shouldn't) and just doesn't want me to find out in case it gets blown out of proportion....or am I just trying to look at this through rose tinted glasses...?

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Perhaps he wants a last fling before the seriousness of moving in together for good, which I think is what happened with my ex. ALthough we had a few issues prior to moving in where he wasnt sure it was the right thing. I thought maybe it was cold feet and he decided to go along with it, although looking back I think for more as a financial thing.

What I discovered was it had been going on, she fell pregnant and he ended things and was telling her not to contact him ever again. He'd paid for her abortion.

I dont really know what to suggest as for me we had already bought the house when the really suspicious stuff started to mount up.

What is your gut instinct?

He is out and about much on his own?

I know how awful this must be, but I am glad I stuck it out and found out what I needed to.

Thanks Sunflower27. This is the thing, he generally doesn't go out on his own much except the odd night out with the lads which he needs, it wouldn't be healthy otherwise. This is why it's so confusing. On one hand I'm thinking to myself that it's only texting and emailing which is possibly harmless enough. If things ended on a bad footing with them maybe they have things they need to sort out. I know people might say that he should tell me about it but maybe he doesn't think there's any point in bringing it up. On the other hand, I'm not totally oblivious to what might be going on here and what might start out as just texting could develop into something more serious. I think maybe what I should do is wait and see what happens; does he start going out on his own more or disappearing for hours here and there. If so then that would have to be the end because I don't think I could forgive him. I just hope whatever it is or isn't that it fizzles out pretty soon. It's driving me crazy thinking about it all the time. Plus I have exams coming up and to say I'm not getting much study done is the understatement of the century!!

dublingal80

you mentioned that you were looking at houses to buy but he has suggested to rent first. DEFINITELY TO THAT!!!!

how can you buy a house with someone who you currently dont trust at the moment!!!! You have to some how bring it up and say it to him. Some morning or evening when his phone is off, ask him if you can use his phone for a second to check your voicemail, or text a friend or something... say your battery has died, ran out of credit, got cut off or it just wont work, whatever
When he turns it on and gives it to you just a simple... how come your phone was turned off.... and see what he says. If its anything to do with noise or whatever, it could be put on silence

you have to somehow get it out in the open if you wont say it to him directly, especially since you are so stressed and you have exams coming up

If he is cheating on you and texting this girl or whatever and your relationship ends, do you really want to fail your exams and have that as something else he took from you

Then again you could be reading into it way too much. You have to bring it up. We could sit here for the next week and come up with a million different theories on what he is saying to this girl and have you actually go crazy, or you could just face the music


If he did tell you that he was emailing and texting his ex and that he did meet her for a drink a few times, what would you do?

How Soon Is Now

I was in a situation before that one my ex s found me on bebo or some site and start talking to me she had kept my number and txted me.

I knew if my then girl friend saw this she would take it wrong way and freak out thinking i wanted to be with my ex and or i was cheatin. So ya it did happen a few times that she would txt me and me girlfriend be wonderin who was txtin me. So i hide it from her changed name on the phone kept me phone on me all time *Which i do anyway*

Do you think maybe this could be what he is doing ?? Women should not just assume men are cheating on them just cause they are talking to an ex i am not sayin anyone is in the wrong here but until u have some proper full on info or evidence on what situation is between them dont question him about it and just ignore it. Cause theres nothing worse for most fellas then when your girlfriend starts watching everything your doing and asking you questions about other women it can piss someone off really quick.

He could more then likely simply be chattin with this girl simple conversation nothing bad you know it is possible.

seahorse

angerfist2009 wrote: »

Women should not just assume men are cheating on them just cause they are talking to an ex i am not sayin anyone is in the wrong here but until u have some proper full on info or evidence on what situation is between them dont question him about it and just ignore it.

She's not likely to stumble across "proper full on info or evidence" while he's doing his damndest to make sure she doesn’t know the first thing about these texts and calls.

I agree it’s possible that it could be innocent but it looks mightily sussy to me and would do to most women I’d say. If it is all innocent it’s a good example of how incredibly stupid it is to conceal harmless truths in a relationship.

How Soon Is Now

seahorse wrote: »

She's not likely to stumble across "proper full on info or evidence" while he's doing his damndest to make sure she doesn’t know the first thing about these texts and calls.

I agree it’s possible that it could be innocent but it looks mightily sussy to me and would do to most women I’d say. If it is all innocent it’s a good example of how incredibly stupid it is to conceal harmless truths in a relationship.

Ya but see this is why people dont tell there partners everything no matter how small it is cause alot the time its gonna make the girl or fella think more about every other little detail in the relationship.

If you mention to your girlfriend o ya by way me ex is txting me again do u think shes gonna be delighted ? No shes gonna wanna know why and shes probley more then likely gonna try and find out why.

This is why im sayin this could be reason he has said nothin cause he does not want the grief and bother of what tellin her might cause mostly cause there is feck all going on other then txtin which is harmless unless they are flirting or so.

I know she might not get full on evidence put it this way if he goes meetin up with people and u dont know them and he wont tell u who it is then start thinking more into this until he starts acting totally different then ignore it. If u go asking your boyfriend questions he could very easly think your accusing him of cheatin and thats when things will only get worse.

J Peterman

seahorse wrote: »

he's doing his damndest to make sure she doesn’t know the first thing about these texts and calls.

... what texts and calls? Correct me if I'm wrong here but the only "evidence" OP has here is a non-commital email saying "Yeah we must meet up for a drink sometime".

Look, OP, you know him & your relationship better than anyone else in this thread, but from the posts you've made in here you've nothing to accuse him of. You've been driven mad ever since you checked his email (tisk!), isn't it possible that the increased tension you've felt since then has been down to your guilt-induced paranoia?

Regardless, I agree 100% with the poster who said youse shouldn't buy a house together.

I also still don't understand why you can't talk to him about it- just say you saw the original ex's email when he left his email open in the browser last week. That you seem determined to catch him out rather than ask about it beforehand isn't the best indicator of a healthy relationship.

dublingal80

J Peterman wrote: »

...

Regardless, I agree 100% with the poster who said youse shouldn't buy a house together.

I also still don't understand why you can't talk to him about it- just say you saw the original ex's email when he left his email open in the browser last week. That you seem determined to catch him out rather than ask about it beforehand isn't the best indicator of a healthy relationship.

Thats exactly what I said!!!!

Talk to him, instead of trying to catch him out and wreck your own head!!

seahorse

Well Angerfist I don't agree with telling lies or concealing truths in relationships. I didn't expect my bloke to be delighted about my ex having contacted me when that first happened, but I was honest and upfront about it and so he knew he had nothing to worry about since nothing was being hidden from him. I know for a fact he'd have been a whole lot less happy and a whole lot more paranoid had I hidden the fact and had he inadvertently stumbled across it.

seahorse

J Peterman wrote: »

... what texts and calls?

The texts and calls he’s trying to conceal with this new and unusual habit he’s acquired of turning his phone off. No need to call in Inspector Cluso for that one!

How Soon Is Now

seahorse wrote: »

Well Angerfist I don't agree with telling lies or concealing truths in relationships. I didn't expect my bloke to be delighted about my ex having contacted me when that first happened, but I was honest and upfront about it and so he knew he had nothing to worry about since nothing was being hidden from him. I know for a fact he'd have been a whole lot less happy and a whole lot more paranoid had I hidden the fact and had he inadvertently stumbled across it.

seahorse wrote: »

The texts and calls he’s trying to conceal with this new and unusual habit he’s acquired of turning his phone off. No need to call in Inspector Cluso for that one!

Lol ok so why dont she not just all guns blazing here and tell him o ya by way i was readin threw your emails what u doing txting your ex ??

She can either ignore it and it could go away as nothin or just come out and ask him out straight about it admitting in the process she was readin his emails he might not like that but least you will have some idea whats going on then.

dublingal80

yeah i can see where you are coming from seahorse. When my ex emailed me recently after years of no contact, the first thing i did was call my oh. i didnt feel the need not to tell him.

dublingal80

angerfist2009 wrote: »

She can either ignore it and it could go away as nothin or just come out and ask him out straight about it admitting in the process she was readin his emails he might not like that but least you will have some idea whats going on then.

yeah OP, if you continue how you are going you might actually go insane!!
remember, it acutally could be nothing!

seahorse

I think she'd have less idea if she were to ask him outright Angerfist. He's not exactly Mr Honest, by the sounds of it.

seahorse

dublingal80 wrote: »

yeah i can see where you are coming from seahorse. When my ex emailed me recently after years of no contact, the first thing i did was call my oh. i didnt feel the need not to tell him.

This is the thing and I don't understand how some people can justify keeping schtum for fear of causing a scene. If I thought my bloke was the sort to throw a fit over something that was harmless and I had been upfront about I wouldn't be with him in the first place.

dublingal80

but that email was a yeah lets meet for a drink sometime... and that was it... it could be the fact that he litterally couldnt care less about his ex so there for it wasnt a big deal or anything to him. he felt nothing geting that email so didnt tell the girlfriend because there was no need to.

you never have any idea what can go on inside peoples heads.

the op has to talk to him

seahorse

dublingal80 wrote: »

but that email was a yeah lets meet for a drink sometime... and that was it... it could be the fact that he litterally couldnt care less about his ex so there for it wasnt a big deal or anything to him. he felt nothing geting that email so didnt tell the girlfriend because there was no need to.

I'd go along with that Dublingal if it wasn’t for the sudden out of character carry-on with the phone.

How Soon Is Now

She only knows any info on this cause she was reading his emails when he hears this he might think hold on minute what else is she checking out about me??

Yes i know maybe in perfect world he should have told her and yes alot of women on here have said yes they would have told there fellas right away but see thats the thing its the other way around we react to thing different then women do. Alot of women the second an ex is mentioned will get all up in a huff about it no matter how innocent it might be.

To be honest this is one reason he might be hiding it. Cause more then likely if it is not serious he is probley looking at it like sure me girlfriend does not know about it its not important i am with her i want to be with her and i dont want my ex bk were having harmless conversation she was the one who message me in first place lets just leave it at that.

dublingal80

but he may have been doing this before.. but the fact that op got so paranoid after reading his emails has put her into overdrive and now everything is standing out as suspicious

just a theory

Op- why did you read his emails in the first placE?

Scarinae

Why were you reading his emails in the first place? Were you checking up on him, or did he just happen to leave his emails open?

If you're usually quite suspicious and questioning about him talking to other girls etc, then I'm not surprised he hasn't mentioned her email. Having a partner who doesn't trust you is a nuisance. I don't think you should jump to conclusions at this stage that he's seeing her behind your back - I appreciate the upset that was caused to some of the other posters when their partners cheated on them, but I don't think you should assume that your boyfriend is doing the same.

seahorse

The way I see it, the e-mail alone wouldn't have been enough to rouse my suspicions. It's the fact that his behaviour has altered to coincide with the e-mail, that's what's suspicious here.

OP, I think you're right to be putting two and two together. It'd be different if you hadn’t the supporting evidence of his sudden behavioral change, but you do, and I think it'd be naive to ignore that.

How Soon Is Now

Only one way to sort this own up to seeing the email and ask him about it then you will know by how he reacts and how your relationship goes.

seahorse

Fishie wrote: »

If you're usually quite suspicious and questioning about him talking to other girls etc, then I'm not surprised he hasn't mentioned her email.

I'd agree with this, but if it isn't the case that she's usually suspicious then that's a different story.

I'd also be worried, if I were in the OP's position, as to why my partner was willing to risk creating a situation that looked as if he were up to no good. One of the main reasons I told my partner when my ex contacted me out of the blue was because I care too much for him to allow a situation to develop where he'd feel he had anything to worry about.

J Peterman

seahorse wrote: »

The way I see it, the e-mail alone wouldn't have been enough to rouse my suspicions. It's the fact that his behaviour has altered to coincide with the e-mail, that's what's suspicious here.

Chicken and egg if you ask me. Did his behaviour change the with the email, or did OP's sensitivity levels skyrocket with the email?

davyjose

Niceishguy wrote: »

half our mutual friends hated her for cheating on me and half of them thought I deserved to be cheated on for reading her e-mail.

In bold - they weren't mutual friends. They were her friends.

LegacyUser

Ok so I checked his phone last night and he's been texting this girl but all sent and received messages were deleted so I've no idea whether they were flirty or just general. He does have her number saved under a kind of lad's nickname. I didn't say anything to him at the time I just kept thinking about it. Anyway, later on he was lying with his eyes closed on the couch and I made some comment to him and he didn't answer. I asked if he was ok and then he immediately snapped that why did I wait until he'd closed his eyes to talk to him or something stupid like that. After about 15 minutes he said "Well I'm alright" which is usually his reponse when there's obviously something up and it usually descends into an argument. I just ignored it but I'm so confused. I feel so hurt that he'd deceive my like this and is obviously texting her quite a lot. Should I confront him?

LegacyUser

Thanks sunflower 27, it's just so hard you know. I love him with all my heart and the last thing I want to do is break up with him but I can't stand around and be made a fool of either. I just wish I could somehow make it disappear but I know that's never going to happen. It's my birthday on Saturday too which really tops everything off. I really don't want to lose him but there's no point staying with someone if they're palying you like this.

dublingal80

confussed.ie wrote: »

Ok so I checked his phone last night and he's been texting this girl but all sent and received messages were deleted so I've no idea whether they were flirty or just general. He does have her number saved under a kind of lad's nickname. I didn't say anything to him at the time I just kept thinking about it. Anyway, later on he was lying with his eyes closed on the couch and I made some comment to him and he didn't answer. I asked if he was ok and then he immediately snapped that why did I wait until he'd closed his eyes to talk to him or something stupid like that. After about 15 minutes he said "Well I'm alright" which is usually his reponse when there's obviously something up and it usually descends into an argument. I just ignored it but I'm so confused. I feel so hurt that he'd deceive my like this and is obviously texting her quite a lot. Should I confront him?

sorry, im confused. How do you know he texted her if all the sent and received messages were deleted?

And how do you know whats her number saved under a guys name?

LegacyUser

dublingal80 wrote: »

sorry, im confused. How do you know he texted her if all the sent and received messages were deleted?

And how do you know whats her number saved under a guys name?

I kept a note of her number from when she text him last week. I know he's been texting her from his recent contacts. Phone automatically saves a list of the last numbers you text.

I wish I was putting two and two together and getting 5 but it's looking less and less likely

dublingal80

confussed.ie wrote: »

Ok so I checked his phone last night and he's been texting this girl but all sent and received messages were deleted so I've no idea whether they were flirty or just general. He does have her number saved under a kind of lad's nickname. I didn't say anything to him at the time I just kept thinking about it. Anyway, later on he was lying with his eyes closed on the couch and I made some comment to him and he didn't answer. I asked if he was ok and then he immediately snapped that why did I wait until he'd closed his eyes to talk to him or something stupid like that. After about 15 minutes he said "Well I'm alright" which is usually his reponse when there's obviously something up and it usually descends into an argument. I just ignored it but I'm so confused. I feel so hurt that he'd deceive my like this and is obviously texting her quite a lot. Should I confront him?

do you have another option?

You can either continue what you are doing, checking his emails, his phone and get yourself more and more upset by whats doing on

OR

you can just say to yourself enough is enough. i deserve respect and say it to him.

You cant go on forever like this, can you? you deserve SO much more if he is cheating on your or if he is just texting her, at least an explaination. Hiding from the situation isnt going to help. I know its so scary having to confront him, and the arguement that will happen, and the possibility that you could break up, but I think its best to be alone than with someone you dont trust, and since you were checking his emails before you knew any of this, it sounds like you dont trust him too much

HUGS

How Soon Is Now

Ya but see u still dont know for sure do u ?
Your just assuming he must be cheating just cause hes txting her. There is plenty reasons other then this why he deletes them messages and uses another name i already explained before why cause i done it myself before to save hassle and i deffo was not cheating so??

If you want an deffo final answer on this or at least some sort of proper feed back you either ask him and tell him what u already know or you can just go by what other people are sayin about there relationships this is YOUR relationship remember that just cause it happens to other people dont mean its happening to u you need to find out first and until you do dont go blaming someone for something u dont fully know about yet ok.

I hope you get info on this soon for your own sake and if he is messing around its his lose but dont throw book at him before u know the full story.

dublingal80

+1 to the above

u have to talk to him!! he might be texting her and thats all. and since all the texts are deleted you have no idea what he is texting. sure i delete all my texts constantly except for ones from my oh. its not because im hiding anything from him, its just because i like reading his texts

talk to him. promise yourself you will do it tonight so at least tomorrow you will have clarity on the situaiton

dublingal80

i think that if she does come clean and tells him that she read his emails and texts, he would only really go ballistic if he had something to hide.

i was on my OHs computer one weekend checking my emails, forgot to sign out, and he emailed me the next day to say to delete emails that i had sent (we were talking about something very personal and my sister would know my passwrd so didnt want her to find out) and i was like, ok grand, thanks for the heads up... i didnt once think, oh how dare he go through my emails and read them even tho I was logged in blah blah blah, because I have nothing to hide

Also, there are plenty if times where either himself or myself would leave our phone down, and out of pure boredom the other one would pic it up and messw ith it, ie look at pics, videos,, or texts, when the other one is there... no big deal. If either of us were hiding anything we wouldnt let him happen.
or if i walked in on him checking my phone, id just ask him what he was doing, and slag him for being snoopy, and end of conversation.

I think OP, you have to say it to him... If he is actually doing nothing wrong at all and he has some way of proving it to you, its something you will have to work on, or he could admit everything.
or as the above poster said, he could deny and it could all turn back on you, but if thats the case, just explain camly all your reasons why you thoguht the worst, ie, everything you ahve told us here.

LegacyUser

god i feel really bad for you, bu the only way you are going to get to the bottom of this is to confront him, you are been hurt as you are you mind is in overdrive, you not studying and and this rate you will probably give yourself a breakdown before you get to the bottom of this. To be honest he is up to something its not innocent it cannot be else it would not be happening, he might just be at the flirting stage boosting his ego, but you let it go its going to be so much more. Suddenly he will have a night out where he dosn't come home that night by then its gone too far stop it now one way or the other

LegacyUser

I suppose firstly I'm so afraid of what I might hear and on the other hand, I'm afraid if I fess up and confront him, I might be pushing him closer to her. I know this is probably burying my head in the sand but with exams coming up I don't think I could face going through a break-up do. I know a lot of you might think I'm being an idiot but I'm going to try and put it out of my head until the exams are over. If his behaviour is still the same I'm going to have to confront him about it. I guess secretly I'm hoping that by then this will have all fizzled out, although that's looking less and less likely

How Soon Is Now

ladylara wrote: »

god i feel really bad for you, bu the only way you are going to get to the bottom of this is to confront him, you are been hurt as you are you mind is in overdrive, you not studying and and this rate you will probably give yourself a breakdown before you get to the bottom of this. To be honest he is up to something its not innocent it cannot be else it would not be happening, he might just be at the flirting stage boosting his ego, but you let it go its going to be so much more. Suddenly he will have a night out where he dosn't come home that night by then its gone too far stop it now one way or the other

I love how sure of doom the women on here seem to be when comes to men

Look end day if hes cheating hes a prick BUT you dont know he is so dont get so certain he is you have no concrete evidence on fact hes doing anything wrong. From what u have said he is doing what alot of men do and that is cover up for anything that a women would not like to see and if you were a man you would see that.

OP im not saying your anything bad anything like that i hope you come out ok in all this ok but what im sayin is i done something similar to this with an ex who was flirting with me asking me things i was not doing any harm and i wouldn but if my girlfriend had of seen those messages and known i was even in contact with an ex there would of been war and i would of had to answer to bloody questions everytime i even looked at another women.

You have it so fixed in your head that hes cheating that your picking up on every little bad detail about him that o this must be another sign that hes off messing behind my back. Find out what he says get information THEN make your choices and decissions on what you think and do. Not now ok dont go on what you think u might know is going on wait till you actually do know.

End day men and women both cheat your gonna get people who were in bad relationships tellin you ah ya i dont like sound that hes up to something there just find out for yourself ok try not be so stressed bout this cause nothing is final until it happens.

LegacyUser

angerfist2009 wrote: »

I love how sure of doom the women on here seem to be when comes to men

Look end day if hes cheating hes a prick BUT you dont know he is so dont get so certain he is you have no concrete evidence on fact hes doing anything wrong. From what u have said he is doing what alot of men do and that is cover up for anything that a women would not like to see and if you were a man you would see that.

OP im not saying your anything bad anything like that i hope you come out ok in all this ok but what im sayin is i done something similar to this with an ex who was flirting with me asking me things i was not doing any harm and i wouldn but if my girlfriend had of seen those messages and known i was even in contact with an ex there would of been war and i would of had to answer to bloody questions everytime i even looked at another women.

You have it so fixed in your head that hes cheating that your picking up on every little bad detail about him that o this must be another sign that hes off messing behind my back. Find out what he says get information THEN make your choices and decissions on what you think and do. Not now ok dont go on what you think u might know is going on wait till you actually do know.

End day men and women both cheat your gonna get people who were in bad relationships tellin you ah ya i dont like sound that hes up to something there just find out for yourself ok try not be so stressed bout this cause nothing is final until it happens.

Thanks angerfist2009. I went for a long walk at lunch and thought about it and you're absolutely right. I'm putting myself through torture here assuming things and thinking the worst. It dawned on me how horrible I was being to my OH. As you say, maybe he is just chatting with her and doesn't want me to find out for fear I'd hit the roof (which I wouldn't. It's the secrecy thing that makes it worse but as you say maybe he's thinking that this is the best way). For the moment I'm just going to see what happens. If there is anything more to their relationship than just being friends his behaviour is going to change dramatically e.g. going out on his own, not coming home that sort of thing. You're right too in that I'm probably trying to analyse everything he says and does now cos I'm thinking these things...

dublingal80

hi op

if thats what you think is best, leaving everything and see how it goes, i suggest you leave everything!! stop checking his emails, stop checking his texts and just see what happens. if he acts weird, or is weird with his phone or computer, say it to him straight out, all innocently and just to see what he has to say.

I hope you are able to get on with things

How Soon Is Now

confussed.ie wrote: »

Thanks angerfist2009. I went for a long walk at lunch and thought about it and you're absolutely right. I'm putting myself through torture here assuming things and thinking the worst. It dawned on me how horrible I was being to my OH. As you say, maybe he is just chatting with her and doesn't want me to find out for fear I'd hit the roof (which I wouldn't. It's the secrecy thing that makes it worse but as you say maybe he's thinking that this is the best way). For the moment I'm just going to see what happens. If there is anything more to their relationship than just being friends his behaviour is going to change dramatically e.g. going out on his own, not coming home that sort of thing. You're right too in that I'm probably trying to analyse everything he says and does now cos I'm thinking these things...

Hope you sort things anyway and everything turns out for the best

LegacyUser

It's probably not the best thing to do, the best thing to do is to ask him about the texts and why his phone has been off and try and sort it out but at the moment I have enough pressure with the exams and I really couldn't deal with that on top of it. I'm going to do as you advised and stop snooping and we'll see how things are in a couple of weeks...fingers crossed