Coming out to Best Friend...

LegacyUser

Hi there guys/girls...

I have decided that I am going to tell my best friend of about 9 or 10 years that I am gay. Yes, of course you are going to say that after that period of time that he already has a fairly good idea of what the score is, but I've just never said it straight out - as it has never been an issue between us, not for a second. There has always been the highest level of honesty between us but in the back of my mind there is just this one thing that I have never talked about. When we first became friends back in first year in college, I had hang-ups about my sexuality and as time went on, and as I became more and more OK with it, I found increasingly difficult to talk to him about it. I am not for a second worried about his reaction, because as I said it wont/isn't an issue. The only thing that I am worried about is how to bring it up or even approach it at this stage. I'm a private person - so I'd give very little away about myself anyway and my sexuality is no different. I am completely OK with it, so the fact that I am not 'Out' to the world is not to say that I am not out at all. It's just another thing that I keep close to my chest. Anyone I've ever told talked to about it before have been more than great. The others that would openly know about my sexuality are in a different circle of friends to him...

Over the past few weeks/months I've tried to engineer situations so the context/atmosphere is right to do it but I just can't seem to summon the courage to tell him. As every time I fail, I get a little more disenchanted by it and now I think that it's actually starting to affect our friendship as I am becoming more stand-offish. This prob makes no sense at all .... I'd just love to get some advice from others about this wee situation that I find myself in...

Cheers.

LS

Boston

There's only so close you can be to someone who doesn't know. Fair enough you keep it close to your chest and it may not even be a big factor in your daily life but it is a core part of you and you'll always be a stranger to some degree to those in the dark. He is your best friend, just tell him. You mess it up and it won't be perfect, but you'll get through it and should come out the other side closer then you were.

Masquerade

I know it's easier said that done, but I think you ought to just say it! Engineering an artificial situation or perfect moment is just going to get you more worked up about it.
If I were you, I would just say it out of the blue. If you build up to it, or worry about it for ages beforehand, the anxiety will build up too and get the better of you in the end.

Tricity Bendix

Of all the times I've come out to (or outted myself in front off) friends, the ones that happen almost accidently and without forethought have been the most successful. When you just slip it in there as part of the conversation, the other person will realise that its not a big deal for you, that you are still the same person you were before you told them. If you build it up to be a big deal, not only will you stress yourself out, but it will transmit to your friend and likely make them feel under pressure to respond in certain way.

Also, booze helps.

Reflector

text him and say that you need to talk about something, take a deep breath and just go for it. be ready for questions and try not to get too pissed.

Good luck

cotwold

You could just blurt it out the next time you seem him. Its really difficult to tell people but if you wait for the perfect moment you could be waiting your whole life. The Tourettes-esque works best for me because then i can just say i needed to get it off my chest and move from there.

Cinnomen

I have been in the same situation as you but saw it from the other side, My best friend as we were growing up had few boyfriends but it wasnt that that got me wondering it was that she would mention women and make subtle hints that she was attracted to the same sex yet she never came out and said it..I waited and waited for her to sum up the courage to tell me, I kept wondering why she didn't and didn't she trust me enough to say it.

But it wasnt that she was scared she didn't want to loose me I see that now not that I would ever have turned my back on her.
It came to the point with us where I came out and said it one night I was like "Are you Bi Sexual?" We were only 15 now being 27 im sure I would have approached the subject more tactfully as I watched her go ever so red in the face and say err yep...there was such relief that we had cleared that ground between us, she said she had wanted to tell me for months, but I cant see how its a big thing, shes the same person whether she likes men women aliens...well you get the gist.

Your friend has known you a long time, I know it is hard but if they are any kind of a friend they will stick by you which im sure he will, Whatever happens you are NOT in the wrong, Its apart of your life and anyone who loves you wouldn't even care for they love you for YOU and nothing should change that.
Sadly I know there are some narrow minded people in this world, but it isn't a label its your life, be strong and you will feel so much better once you get this off your chest. If you need to chat anytime feel free to message me not that im much help but sometimes its nice to rant.

Be you think to yourself I AM WHO I AM never be ashamed of that. No one can give you the words to say but when the time is right believe me you will find them. Lots of love xxx

Arathorn

Not sure everyone will agree with this but I say hit the bars on a night out, buy him a few shots before you bring it up. The dutch courage will help you, it will take away from the awkwardness for both of you an even will help encourage honesty. It might even turn into a celebration. Worked for me!!

Boston

Either he reacts well in which case you never needed the alcohol or he reacts badly in which case alcohol makes a bad situation worse. I've done it myself, but at the same time had to make leeway for people to put their foot in it and say something they wouldn't sober.

greyed

Tricity Bendix wrote: »

Also, booze helps.

Very true, I second this.

Sir Ophiuchus

Be a little careful. While I agree with the advice that it's important to do and so on, you don't want to make him think you're hitting on him (unless that's your plan, in which case go for it, I guess). Make it clear you're telling him because you're such close friends and it's an important part of who you are. If necessary, make a joke about how you aren't hitting on him and he's so definitely not your type. Reduces the awkwardness many times over. This is the only reason I'm a little cagey about endorsing the "get you/him/both drunk" advice - it really ups the potential for awkwardness and misunderstanding.

You say your friend's a cool guy though, so he should be okay with it. Coming out doesn't have to be a big deal, but it'll always feel like one anyway.

Good luck!

Edit: Ah, I see Boston put the case re alcohol exceptionally well. Thanks!

Tricity Bendix

Sir Ophiuchus wrote: »

Be a little careful. While I agree with the advice that it's important to do and so on, you don't want to make him think you're hitting on him (unless that's your plan, in which case go for it, I guess). Make it clear you're telling him because you're such close friends and it's an important part of who you are. If necessary, make a joke about how you aren't hitting on him and he's so definitely not your type. Reduces the awkwardness many times over. This is the only reason I'm a little cagey about endorsing the "get you/him/both drunk" advice - it really ups the potential for awkwardness and misunderstanding.

You say your friend's a cool guy though, so he should be okay with it. Coming out doesn't have to be a big deal, but it'll always feel like one anyway.

Good luck!

Edit: Ah, I see Boston put the case re alcohol exceptionally well. Thanks!

If they've been friends for years I don't think he'll think the OP is coming on to him.

Sir Ophiuchus

All I can say is, you'd be surprised. I nearly lost a friend after he jumped to that conclusion.

shay_562

Boston wrote:

Either he reacts well in which case you never needed the alcohol or he reacts badly in which case alcohol makes a bad situation worse. I've done it myself, but at the same time had to make leeway for people to put their foot in it and say something they wouldn't sober.

I'd agree that getting someone paralytic before telling them isn't a great idea, but having a pint in hand can really help things along - if they're relaxed, but not yet at the point of saying anything either of you will regret, it helps. If nothing else, the OP getting drunk himself will probably make it easier to say (the first bunch of people I told, I was always drunk, simply because it made it less ****ing terrifying).

Cabbage Brained

From my experience, about 2-3 pints in is the best time to tell somebody.

I normally wait until people ask me if I've been seeing any women, but if you've been best mates 10 years at this stage he probably doesn't ask that anymore! But the "dating" topic of conversation is a good way to lead into it. Maybe ask him if he's seeing anyone? If he has a girlfriend ask about her. Then you can lead into your situation, and tell him then.

Whatever way it comes out, it will be awkward for about 20 seconds. Then you'll start chatting about it, he'll be curious and asking you questions, and as soon as you're in the swing of talking about it you'll be so relieved that you've finally told him.

BlueLepreachaun

While I agree with the advice that it's important to do and so on, you don't want to make him think you're hitting on him (unless that's your plan, in which case go for it, I guess).

To anyone else in this situation...no no no no no! Unless you know your mates gay do not "go for it" if your into them. You could ruin a really good friendship, it is possible to have straght mates who you don't constantly look at in a sexual way and still be really close friends with them :rolleyes:

I don't think most secure straght lads would think their mates hitting on them when they tell him they're gay unless they follow it up with "and I told you because I love you" or something mad like that. When the first mate I told, told one of my other mates I was gay tho his exact reaction was "oh...rite...ok...wait what if he fancies us" he was half joking and half seriously wondering, so I'd suggest as part of telling straght mates you explain jokingly that you wont be hitting on any of them

I pussed out big time when telling my best mate.
Were talking in pub for nearly 3 hours, the entire time he knew what I was gonna say but I coudn't get it out. I eventually, on the last bus on the way home, wrote it on my phone and handed it to him, looking back I can't beleive I pussed out this badly. Then we didn't have any time for the follow up convo or hoardes of questions so he got off the bus at my stop with me and we sat on the steps of the church resource centre near the bus stop talking about it until nearly 2:30am. Had I not pussed out this convo could have been had in the warm pub 4-5 hours previously.

swirlser

BlueLepreachaun wrote: »

Unless you know your mates gay do not "go for it" if your into them.

^ This. Altho I think someone got sidetracked somewhere, its probably not relevant to this particular story (I skipped half a page, sry ;p)

Seriously, blurt it right out... nothing planned, no dutch courage - just say it. Your mates with him almost a decade and you met when you began college, so your late 20s? Youve known the guy pretty much your entire adult life and if you dont know at this stage whether or not hes ok with it, I doubt you ever will.

If he is a true friend, he'll accept you no matter what. And if hes a true friend, hes a friend you should be honest with

GL !

Cabbage Brained

BlueLepreachaun wrote: »

I pussed out big time when telling my best mate.
Were talking in pub for nearly 3 hours, the entire time he knew what I was gonna say but I coudn't get it out. I eventually, on the last bus on the way home, wrote it on my phone and handed it to him, looking back I can't beleive I pussed out this badly. Then we didn't have any time for the follow up convo or hoardes of questions so he got off the bus at my stop with me and we sat on the steps of the church resource centre near the bus stop talking about it until nearly 2:30am. Had I not pussed out this convo could have been had in the warm pub 4-5 hours previously.

Lol, that's pretty lame alright

I think this can often happen with "best" mates. They're the ones whose reactions we care most about, so it can be the hardest coming out to them.

It's a few years since I told my best mate, but his reaction was the best I've ever had. I'd been a bit nervous about him as I'd known him to make derogatory comments from time to time, but I got a couple of pints in and plucked up the courage to take him aside. Anyway, when I told him, he started smiling, hugged me and said "Mate, don't worry, I'm into WAY weirder ****!"

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Firstly thanks a million to each and everyone who took the time to reply to my post - it means a lot. Yep, we have been friends pretty much all of our adult lives. He is my best friend and we've both been through a lot of stuff in our own lives and both been there for each other no matter what. I've just gone 28 and I'm not sure why exactly, but over the past few weeks and months I've wanted to come clean to him about my sexuality. Like Boston said, there is only so close that I can be to him, without him knowing and that's the problem - I'm beginning to keep him at arms length because I'm starting to feel guilty having never told him before this. If I am really honest with myself he knows already and what I do know for a fact, with 100% certainty, is that it will not be an issue. I think the world of him and value his friendship like no other - there is no 'attraction' otherwise to speak of, so no, I won't be hitting on him :-) It's just the initial reaction I fear upon telling him - having left it best part of 10 years to blurt it out.

He is away on business at the minute, so when he gets back I'm going to give it another go. It's going to be fine. I know it...