Struggling and feeling down

LegacyUser

Hi all,
Long time poster here.

Basically for the last month or so I have been getting more and more down in myself. I wouldn't say depressed as I am functioning and most of the time I'm ok.
Just things seem to have come to a head this weekend.

I'm a single parent and the dad isn't involved at all.I don't live near my family either so have no support. Money has always been tight but the last few months just seem to be very bad. Every month something seems to come up and leaves me fretting over money. I'm always having to say to my child " we can't afford that " and the child isn't greedy, rarely asks for anything but I can't even afford little treats.

Personally I feel crap in myself, The things that I used to do to take pride in my appearance I can no longer afford. I don't cut my hair, I dont buy clothes, I don't get beauty treatments and it might sound shallow but I felt better in myself when I was waxing and taking care of myself. Now I just don't see the point. My skin is in bits with the stress of it all. I feel ugly and unkempt but the worse I feel, the less I bother.

The housework is the same. It's just so pointless and thankless and I just think "why even bother". But if the house is messy it bugs me, gets to me. But I just can't seem to bring myself to do anything about it.

I feel like I'm on autopilot in work and at home. I have no interest in anything and all weekend I keep bursting into tears. I was sobbing last night thinking about all the things I can't give my child. I was even considering putting the child with my parents fpr a few months as foster carers as they would get paid to do it and it would take the pressure off me. Stupid idea in the cold light of day and I don't think I could ever do it but in the thick of things last night it seemed like an option.

I want to take care of myself but it all just feels so hard. I know I'm also suffering from PMT at the moment which is making the situation worse but I just want to crawl into a hole for a week. I'm not sleeping and I'm exhausted and cranky and I've been snapping at people which isn't like me at all. I'm usually upbeat and friendly and optimistic.

It just all feels so hard. Just the enormity of it all, Of having to do every single thing by myself with no help. If I've had a bad day in work there's nobody to say "sit down, put your feet up and leave dinner to me". Even just simple tasks like food shopping are such a chore, trying to fit it in around a full time job, commuting, dropping an collecting, dinner times, bath times, bed times etc. It's just getting too much. I feel smothered by it all.

I adore my child and there are thankfully no issues there in terms of how we get on. Just the guilt of not being able to provide my child with the things they deserve.

I just feel like the pot is about to boil over at any minute, like I'm teetering on the brink of a something but i'm not sure what. An emotional meltdown, a slip into an even darker place or just becoming totally melancholic in order to survive. Bury my head in the sand and not think about it because it's all just too much to think about.

Elba101

Struggling wrote: »

Hi all,
Long time poster here.

Basically for the last month or so I have been getting more and more down in myself. I wouldn't say depressed as I am functioning and most of the time I'm ok.
Just things seem to have come to a head this weekend.

I'm a single parent and the dad isn't involved at all.I don't live near my family either so have no support. Money has always been tight but the last few months just seem to be very bad. Every month something seems to come up and leaves me fretting over money. I'm always having to say to my child " we can't afford that " and the child isn't greedy, rarely asks for anything but I can't even afford little treats.

Personally I feel crap in myself, The things that I used to do to take pride in my appearance I can no longer afford. I don't cut my hair, I dont buy clothes, I don't get beauty treatments and it might sound shallow but I felt better in myself when I was waxing and taking care of myself. Now I just don't see the point. My skin is in bits with the stress of it all. I feel ugly and unkempt but the worse I feel, the less I bother.

The housework is the same. It's just so pointless and thankless and I just think "why even bother". But if the house is messy it bugs me, gets to me. But I just can't seem to bring myself to do anything about it.

I feel like I'm on autopilot in work and at home. I have no interest in anything and all weekend I keep bursting into tears. I was sobbing last night thinking about all the things I can't give my child. I was even considering putting the child with my parents fpr a few months as foster carers as they would get paid to do it and it would take the pressure off me. Stupid idea in the cold light of day and I don't think I could ever do it but in the thick of things last night it seemed like an option.

I want to take care of myself but it all just feels so hard. I know I'm also suffering from PMT at the moment which is making the situation worse but I just want to crawl into a hole for a week. I'm not sleeping and I'm exhausted and cranky and I've been snapping at people which isn't like me at all. I'm usually upbeat and friendly and optimistic.

It just all feels so hard. Just the enormity of it all, Of having to do every single thing by myself with no help. If I've had a bad day in work there's nobody to say "sit down, put your feet up and leave dinner to me". Even just simple tasks like food shopping are such a chore, trying to fit it in around a full time job, commuting, dropping an collecting, dinner times, bath times, bed times etc. It's just getting too much. I feel smothered by it all.

I adore my child and there are thankfully no issues there in terms of how we get on. Just the guilt of not being able to provide my child with the things they deserve.

I just feel like the pot is about to boil over at any minute, like I'm teetering on the brink of a something but i'm not sure what. An emotional meltdown, a slip into an even darker place or just becoming totally melancholic in order to survive. Bury my head in the sand and not think about it because it's all just too much to think about.

Hey op,

Im sorry to hear that you're so down but your obviously a good mother and that's the best thing that you can give your child. Even though your family live far away, you must be able to call them. Even just telling someone about how you feel can make you feel better.

I know that you feel alone, but you're not. You have a child that, no matter what heppens, will always love you. Maybe the week that's in it, you're just extra down which is making things worse.

My advice is to talk to someone before it gets worse. It won't get rid of problems but it can help you see and think more clearly about what you can do. I hope you feel better soon.

Latchy

Op, first off I am sorry to hear of your situation .With the symtoms you describe it seems that you are obiously suffering with depression ,compounded by your self confidence taking a battering with the added guilt of not being able to provide for your child .What it seems you need more than anything is somebody to share the burden ,somebody to talk to and I think that most if not all will agree that bringing up a child alone with all the other daily, weekly chores you describe can stress any parent out .It's hard to know what to say because in such situations people will have family members , brothers/sisters /friends to confide and ask for advice . Is there a lone parents association in yoru area /locality ? Would you not go and chat your doctor or community health and explain your situation ? They might be able to suggest some ideas but the first step is you have to speak to somebody .You seem so isolated ,not by choice but you need to get that help and advice that you need , for both you and your childs sake .

sticker

My heart really goes out to you. I'm a parent myself -my son is two and I can totally understand the protective feelings you describe. You have my absolute respect and for what its worth, regardles of sounding condescending - you're not alone.

I don't have any magic wand, but as some already suggest, talking really does help. It's so easy to stamp DEPRESSION on feeling really low, but with your curcumsatnces, of course you will feel down... Just try to reach out to someone, perspective can come through and and willingness to go on, enjoy your child and try to work things out. Sometimes the mind can really warp things when they are rolled over and over in an already saddend state. You sound like a mother FULL of love for her child, so I would draw your attention to a large oversight on your part - Your child has a mother that cares deeply for them and that is far more critical that providing material things. You say yourself they accept that already - maybe you should to!

The world is full of cynical parents who have wealth but are devoid of the love you have for your family, they push family members aside to gain more useless junk and totally lose sight of life's real treasures are.

Best of luck - I really hope things improve for you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the kind words. Things always feel better in the mornings. I actually slept ok last night. I just hope that this evening doesn't bring more of the same.

I tried talking to a friend (wel,, so called friend) over the weekend. We were discussing something else and having a bit of a debate and the next thing I was in tears, beyond tears, I was sobbing. I half tried to explain to her, about the lack of money, the pressure etc and she sympathised but just doesn't really get it. She is a single parent but the father is involved and all her family are local. She has a demanding job but it's part time. Anyway, we were in the middle of it when the kids burst in and I had to leave as it was late. She said she'd call me the next day but she didn't

My mum was a single parent so I know she'd get it and my sister is very good about stuff like that too. I guess I just don't want to admit I'm struggling. They all go on about how well I am doing and how proud they are of me for keeping all the balls in the air so to speak. But yes, I do think if I don't feel better by the end of the week I will go and visit my sister at the weekend. I also get paid soon which will also help the tension I'm feeling.

I'm going to try this evening to clean the house as it's making me feel worse. It's not bad at all really but there seems to be "stuff" everywhere (kids!) and it's annoying me having to look at it.

And when I get paid I'm going to treat myself and my child to a nice day out. Nothing extravagant, just do something nice and it will help with the guilt I think.
I know material stuff isn't everything and my child has a roof over its head, food in it's belly and clothes on it's back. Luckier than some.


Thanks again for the responses. It does help to know I'm not the only one who feels swamped at times.

Whynotme

Reach out! Being alone with children, being solely responsible for them emotionally and financially is exhausting so ask for help. No-one worth their salt will deny you a bit of help. Often people don't think to offer, or maybe they did and at the time you didn't need help, well now you do so ask.

You do seem to have some depression too. Find a low cost counsellor, it really helps to vent, or to just clear your head. (PM me if you want a recommendation)

You say the dad isn't involved. Is he maintaining his child? As a parent he is both legally and morally obliged to pay maintenance. Pursue him. Don't let pride get in the way.

Write down what is bothering you. Everything. Then go back through the list and highlight the things YOU can control. Leave the others until you start on the ones you can do something about. This will restore your confidence in yourself and give you a boost. Don't feel guilty for not giving your child the world. Giving your love is so much more important!

LegacyUser

Whynotme wrote: »

You say the dad isn't involved. Is he maintaining his child? As a parent he is both legally and morally obliged to pay maintenance. Pursue him. Don't let pride get in the way.

He has never been involved. We split and he had moved abroad. I found out a few weeks later I was pregnant and told him. He then changed his phone number and I have had no luck finding him since (child is now 6).

Write down what is bothering you. Everything. Then go back through the list and highlight the things YOU can control. Leave the others until you start on the ones you can do something about. This will restore your confidence in yourself and give you a boost.

This is a good idea. I will do this tonight along with the usual monthly budget. Car broke down this morning so have to rethink the santa budget so the guilt is still there but if I have no car I have no job so that has to take priority. There's always something!

SarahSassy

OP, I dont have any experience to offer you but I just wanted to say that you sound like a great person. Life has dealt you a blow (useless ex) but you have provided love and shelter for your child for the last 6 years - thats really something to be proud of..

I know myself, when I dont take care of my looks - hair etc, it can get me down. Why dont you see if local hairdressers have free training nights, get yourself a face pack next time you are in the supermarket and give yourself little treats - you really deserve it and it may perk you up..

Your child is SO LUCKY to have you so please dont lose sight of that. Good luck

ogriofa

struggling wrote: »

Car broke down this morning so have to rethink the santa budget...

Obviously reading your posts, and had to reply to this, I know its not your main issue, but on the car fixing side of things...

There is often a cheaper way of getting your car fixed. For example buying a Second hand part from a car dismantlers or Halfords or asking for a spurious part. Basically telling the mechanic that you want to get this done as cheaply as possible. If you've a newish car dont get it fixed in the dealerships, ask around for a decent mechanic. I think people often just leave the car in the mechanics and let the mechanic fix it.
If you've got time, read up on the internet and try and find out whats wrong with it (post the problme up on the motors section here)

I always save €50+ doing this.

Little savings like that keep me going when Im tight.

If keeping your gaff clean is important, then its important.

Obviously don't know your parents, but most parents would be chuffed that you came to them. They defo know how hard it is. I'm an uncle and I'm stressed out after a weekend!

Keep it up!

planetX

Hiya, no advice here, but I could've written your post. Single mum of an 8yr old, and same as you I feel like we are slipping down a black hole. No haircuts etc, I've aged about 10 years in the last two. Worst thing for me is not having a home - we rent and have moved constantly for the last few years looking for somewhere decent. Am gonna have to move again soon, but don't have the energy needed. So sick of my child growing up in these awful houses, cold, mouldy, and bleak. Sorry, i'm no help, but you're not alone out there:(