Problems in bed...different tastes

LegacyUser

I am with my boyfriend for two years now, but one problem keeps on rearing its head - our preferences in bed. He is very much into 'making love', and don't get me wrong, I love that too, I love the connection I feel with him in bed, I've never felt anything like it before. However, he doesn't like to do anything out of the ordinary. For example, every now and then I think its good to do something different, to keep our sex live fresh. I'm not talking about anything mad, maybe being tied up, watching porn... Pretty tame stuff really, but he doesn't like it at all, and I'm ok with that. I don't want him to do anything he doesn't feel comfortable doing, so I don't even suggest anything, I know how he feels about it.

Its not like he will only do missionary. He tries new positions etc, but he keeps on bringing up the fact that I like other things, and this is what the problem is. I've told him over and over that I'm happy with the way things are, he satisfies me like no one else ever has, and I love him, which is true. He tells me he thinks I lie to him about my past sexual experiences, even though I've told him the truth, and I'm not hiding anything. He says he doesn't want to experiment because he thinks its a slippery slope...for example, if we watch porn I'll end up wanting to have a threesome. Of course I disagree.

My question is what should I do about it? I'm getting really tired of going over the same things again and again, how he thinks I need someone else, and I just want someone who will 'f**k' me. I'm sick of telling him that I'm happy with him and I don't need anyone or anything else. I can understand why he is worried, if it was the other way round I would be insecure about it, but I can't even count how many times we've talked about it, and it won't go away. Do you think he is right, that we are too different in our outlook to sex, and we should go our seperate ways?

SarahSassy

What? Yeah break up with your lovely boyfriend with whom you have good sex and head off out to Cafe en Seine - you'll find plenty of guys there who will just f@@k you.....

MizzLolly

SarahSassy wrote: »

What? Yeah break up with your lovely boyfriend with whom you have good sex and head off out to Cafe en Seine - you'll find plenty of guys there who will just f@@k you.....

Funny, I didn't notice the OP suggesting anything of the sort.

From my understanding of the OP she was asking whether or not her boyfriend's paranoia about pleasing her is a warning sign that they will not work out. In fact, the OP said that she loves her boyfriend and is happy with the way things are but that he cannot get past the fact that he thinks she's not happy. Of course that is quite frustrating for the OP if she has to constantly reassure her boyfriend that she is not in fact 'running to Cafe en Seine to get f*cked by plenty of guys'.

If it was me I think a big, big talk would be in order. You've put his mind at ease already and you've told him that you're happy with the way things are. It's very unfair on you for him to keep bringing it up and expecting you make him feel better about his insecurities.

SarahSassy

silly_girl wrote: »

Do you think he is right, that we are too different in our outlook to sex, and we should go our seperate ways?

This is where I took it from.

I actually just re read it and think I may have taken it up wrong (sorry OP) I thought she was bored with her sex life.

Wibbs

MizzLolly wrote: »

Funny, I didn't notice the OP suggesting anything of the sort.

Neither did I.

Maybe he's one of those men that has an overly romantic notion of what many women need sexually. A lot of men are like that from what Ive gathered from women mates. Its a common enough issue. They are frightened in a way of female sexuality. Oh sure they'll "fcuk" a woman they're not that emotionally attached to, but want to make love to a woman they are(it seems to get even more polarised with some men when their partner has his children too).

IME women prefer a mixture of both. And both makes them feel desired and that feeling of being desired is huge mojo for most women. If a woman was only getting the raunchy "I'll have you now" stuff she'll feel something is missing too. There's a balance for the individual and you as a couple will have to tease out a compromise in that.

His suggestion of you needing someone else makes him sound quite a passive man. Though theres a touch of the passive aggressive in that too as I'm sure you've noted. It's also a way to deflect it to make it lok like it's more your issue than his. It's not. There are two of you in this relationship and two of you in this issue. Dont let him dissuade you of that either.

I think you need to talk more about this. Away from the bedroom though. That's the last place you need to talk about this as you you know yourself I'm sure. IMHO what happens in the bedroom is the end point of what happens outside it.

Have you tried anything to spice it up for him? To let him know that you're a sexual being and desire him and want to be desired by him as a fully sexual being?

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

Have you tried anything to spice it up for him? To let him know that you're a sexual being and desire him and want to be desired by him as a fully sexual being?

I try to show him how attracted to him I am whenever we are together, and even when we're not I tell him how sexy I think he is etc. I actually have to hold myself back when we're together, because if I had my way I'd be kissing him and touching him all the time, but by his own admission he doesnt like it when I'm "all over him", yet he expects it in bed, and we've also had difficulties when he thinks I don't initiate sex enough.

I've tried explaining to him that even when it doesn't feel like we are 'making love', like when its a bit rough or whatever, that it still means something, its not just a 'f**k'. I told him yesterday that if we do stuff like that I still feel just as close to him afterwards, if not more, because in my eyes its an experience that we've shared, just the two of us, and I feel like its brings us closer together, but he just doesnt get it.

I've asked him quite a few times if he'd like to try anything, or if there's anything I can do to make things better for him, but he tells me he doesn't need anything else, that I am sexy enough on my own, and I turn him on so much. He says that any of the other stuff doesn't turn him on at all.

He seems to have this idea in his head that anything other than making love is bad. One time we were in bed, and we'd be talking (arguing) about me liking to be tied up, so he tied me up to try it, then just sat back and said 'you realise that I could do anything I wanted to right now', and started going on about how he could call his friends to come over, or take pictures, or hurt me, and I couldn't do anything about it. I actually started to get a bit freaked out, and I got so angry at him, and all he said was that he was trying to open my eyes to what could happen. I told him its not like he is just a random stranger, he's my boyfriend and after nearly two years I trust him enough to let him tie me up, and he told me you can never know anyone fully.

Ok...that makes him sound really bad...

He keeps saying he doesnt want to lose me, but I have think if he is the right guy for me.

I am really confused.

MizzLolly

I'm sorry to say this Silly Girl but your boyfriend does not sound like a very stable fella. How dare he tie you up and sit there trying to teach you a lesson? How bloody cruel. You trusted him enough to let him tie you up, thinking that he was on the same wavelength as you and then when you can't move or go anywhere he tries to argue his point? What a man you've got there. Bloody coward. That makes me so, so, so angry and you did not deserve that.

The more I think of this the more I believe that maybe you two are not compatible. Why the hell should you constantly feel that you must explain yourself and be reprimanded because he's too immature to have a trusting, adult relationship? You didn't even do anything to warrant it.

Wibbs mentioned above that this fella sounds passive aggressive, what he did in relation to tying you up to make a point is deplorable. What an insecure little coward!

shellyboo

Yeah, major red flag. He's dead right in a way - you need to trust the person you're with in bed. You clearly can't trust him if he took your request to be tied up and threw it back in your face like that. That's totally not on, at all. What he did there was just as bad as calling his mates or taking pictures.

What a sanctimonious twat, actually. How dare he belittle you over your perfectly normal sexual needs? Nothing that you're asking for is extreme or abnormal. He's refusing to meet your needs - I think you need to decide if you're prepared to put up with that, because it doesn't seem like he's going to change.

prinz

shellyboo wrote: »

. How dare he belittle you over your perfectly normal sexual needs?

Isn't the OP doing essentially the same thing to her fella? The bf here has said he doesn't want / need / expect anything other than what the status quo is in their relationship which the OP herself said satisfies her. The OP is obviously different. Yes, he sounds like a bit of a muppet and betrayed her trust in him, but at then end of the day his needs are also "perfectly normal" for him.

In the first post the OP says she doesn't even bring the topic up, because she knows how he feels about it, yet later on he says she has asked him quite a few times if he wants to try new things etc. She also hints that she believes the bf has a negative attitude toward sex, tbh I don't see it. Seems they have a normal if incompatible sex life.

tbh OP I would suggest going your separate ways.

Wurly

Silly_Girl wrote: »

He seems to have this idea in his head that anything other than making love is bad. One time we were in bed, and we'd be talking (arguing) about me liking to be tied up, so he tied me up to try it, then just sat back and said 'you realise that I could do anything I wanted to right now', and started going on about how he could call his friends to come over, or take pictures, or hurt me, and I couldn't do anything about it. I actually started to get a bit freaked out, and I got so angry at him, and all he said was that he was trying to open my eyes to what could happen. I told him its not like he is just a random stranger, he's my boyfriend and after nearly two years I trust him enough to let him tie me up, and he told me you can never know anyone fully.

prinz wrote: »

but at then end of the day his needs are also "perfectly normal" for him.
She also hints that she believes the bf has a negative attitude toward sex, tbh I don't see it.

Really?

prinz

Trí wrote: »

Really?

Yes. So what if he's not into tying her up, different strokes...

Yes he was completely in the wrong in that situation, but just because he's not into certain things doesn't automatically mean he thinks they, or people who engage in them are 'bad' as the OP said.

The OP made clear how happy etc she was with this guy, and made clear to him how she didn't need or want anything else.... yet in the first paragraph of the OP she makes clear she does want something else. Things that her bf isn't into engaging in. So she has a choice to make.

What she wants, he doesn't like at all. Fairly clear cut case of different tastes, doesn't mean either is any more normal than the other when it comes to sexual needs.

Seems to me it comes down to what the OP wants more.

Wibbs

I kinda have to agree with prinz. The title of the thread says it. Different tastes and maybe they cant be reconciled. It does happen. Not everyone wants to swing from the chandelier.

shellyboo

prinz wrote: »

Isn't the OP doing essentially the same thing to her fella? The bf here has said he doesn't want / need / expect anything other than what the status quo is in their relationship which the OP herself said satisfies her. The OP is obviously different. Yes, he sounds like a bit of a muppet and betrayed her trust in him, but at then end of the day his needs are also "perfectly normal" for him.

In the first post the OP says she doesn't even bring the topic up, because she knows how he feels about it, yet later on he says she has asked him quite a few times if he wants to try new things etc. She also hints that she believes the bf has a negative attitude toward sex, tbh I don't see it. Seems they have a normal if incompatible sex life.

tbh OP I would suggest going your separate ways.

His needs are being met, though. Also she didn't ridicule him for them. Yes, they have different tastes - she's done nothing wrong though. He most certainly has. As for not having a negative attitude towards sex, well you might want to read the OP again. Anything but "making love" is bad. That's a negative attitude.

While usually I'd advise some sort of compromise between them, what this guy did is verging on abuse, tbh. She should leave him without a doubt.

prinz

shellyboo wrote: »

... well you might want to read the OP again. Anything but "making love" is bad. That's a negative attitude..

Nope. In the OP's mind she said he "seems" to have that attitude. I would hazard a guess that she is comparing his sexual interests against her own, which isn't really a fair way to judge another's attitude toward sex.

Also the OP is basing that on his lack of interest in doing the things she wants. Like I said, just because you're not into something doesn't mean you think it's bad/negative etc. Maybe you're just not into it.

shellyboo

prinz wrote: »

Also the OP is basing that on his lack of interest in doing the things she wants. Like I said, just because you're not into something doesn't mean you think it's bad/negative etc. Maybe you're just not into it.

That's a fair point... but I still don't think it applies in this case...

silly_girl wrote: »

He says he doesn't want to experiment because he thinks its a slippery slope...for example, if we watch porn I'll end up wanting to have a threesome.

That's not a mature or healthy or realistic attitude to sex.

Emme

Silly_Girl wrote: »

...but by his own admission he doesnt like it when I'm "all over him", yet he expects it in bed, and we've also had difficulties when he thinks I don't initiate sex enough.

Making love doesn't start and end in bed. It's part and parcel of a relationship, and that means being tactile in and out of bed and not being afraid to touch each other.

Silly_Girl wrote: »

...One time we were in bed, and we'd be talking (arguing) about me liking to be tied up, so he tied me up to try it, then just sat back and said 'you realise that I could do anything I wanted to right now', and started going on about how he could call his friends to come over, or take pictures, or hurt me, and I couldn't do anything about it. I

That freaks me out. Lots of couples have no problems with light bondage. It wouldn't surprise me if your boyfriend has a lot of repressed anger and violent fantasies that he keeps under wraps. Maybe that's why he keeps such a lid on himself sexually, he's afraid if he really let himself go he mightn't be able to control himself. Is he controlling in other areas of your relationship?

Wibbs

Or just maybe, I dunno, he's not that sexual a person, or sexual a person in one direction. It happens. Just because someone isnt into french ticklers or whatever doesnt mean they've and issues. Ditto if they are.

Gyalist

Wibbs wrote: »

Or just maybe, I dunno, he's not that sexual a person, or sexual a person in one direction. It happens. Just because someone isnt into french ticklers or whatever doesnt mean they've and issues. Ditto if they are.

He tells me he thinks I lie to him about my past sexual experiences, even though I've told him the truth, and I'm not hiding anything. He says he doesn't want to experiment because he thinks its a slippery slope...for example, if we watch porn I'll end up wanting to have a threesome.

He quite clearly has issues.

OP, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone to whom you've opened up and made yourself emotionally vulnerable to by telling him of your past and yet he doubts the veracity of your story?

prinz

shellyboo wrote: »

That's not a mature or healthy or realistic attitude to sex.

So he's not into x and he has his reasons. Some people get sexually aroused by dressing up as woodland animals.. would you describe them as having an immature attitude to sex, or would you say different strokes for different folks.... your reasons may make no sense to others but I think they make sense to him. Just like I can't understand the reasons another person would get turned on by someone dressed as a badger.

Peggypeg

I don't think the issue here is what the OP or her OH are into, I think we all agree that as long as everyone is consenting and of legal age anything goes. If you want to pelt each other with eggs while sticking feathers in each others eyes that's up to you.

The problem seems to me that the OH is trying to make the OP stick to very very rigid rules i.e. "making love" is the only exceptable thing. He's trying to make the OP out to be weird or unhealthy, that is not good for you at all. What he did when the OP was tied up, that's humiliating, I would be walking right there, after I'd gone completely insane and slapped the head off him, I mean HOW DARE HE?.

OP it seems to me that he's a very very immature and very under confident in the bedroom and that would be fine if he was open and honest about it with you and was like "well I feel uncomfortable" or whatever and they cold discuss it more and figure it a compromise but he's making out that the OP is a devient. That's how it feels to me, that this is his problem but he is turning it around and putting onto the OP.

OP I would be dumping him if I were you, I love a bit of rough occassionally but if my OH made me feel ashamed instead of giving me a gentle spanking I think I'd be fairly unfullfilled sexually. Sex is about fun (yeah yeah and safetly blah blah blah) but mostly it's for fun, fun to explore all that stuff with someone you trust and who trusts you. Sounds like the sex is going to be fairly restricted until you either move on or your boyfriends grows up a bit.

To me though I'd be walking, I don't think I'd be able to get over the humilation of how he treated you when you were tied up.

Whatever you do - best of luck.

RossFixxxed

Pron leads to 3somes? Ha, I think that's the fantasy, but if every guy who watched it.... Same rule seems to apply to everything here really.

The issue isn't that he's not into certain things, it's the way in which he's handling it i.e. like a total prick.

shellyboo

prinz wrote: »

So he's not into x and he has his reasons. Some people get sexually aroused by dressing up as woodland animals.. would you describe them as having an immature attitude to sex, or would you say different strokes for different folks.... your reasons may make no sense to others but I think they make sense to him. Just like I can't understand the reasons another person would get turned on by someone dressed as a badger.

That's not what I meant and you know it. Different strokes for different folks certainly... but he doesn't have that attitude. He's looking down on her and her strokes, while claiming that doing x will lead to y. That's simply not true. That's like me refusing to wear black and white around my badger-loving partner because then he'll want me to do some badger play with him. It's ridiculous.

If he doesn't like porn - that's fine. If he doesn't like bondage - that's fine. The way in which he is dealing with it shows his unhealthy attitude to sex - attacking her needs, running her down, making her insecure, instead of just saying "no thank you".

prinz

shellyboo wrote: »

If he doesn't like porn - that's fine. If he doesn't like bondage - that's fine. The way in which he is dealing with it shows his unhealthy attitude to sex - attacking her needs, running her down, making her insecure, instead of just saying "no thank you".

I think it shows he's just crap at communication rather than an actually unhealthy attitude to sex.

miec

Hi Op

From what I can ascertain from your post is this:
1) you have a particular set of tastes sexually that includes making love, light bondage, etc
2) your boyfriend has a particular set of tastes sexually that extends only to making love.
3) Both of you have discussed your preferences and whilst you state that you accept him as things are, he has great difficulty in accepting your prefernces and they make him feel insecure, therefor he acts out.

First off, there is nothing wrong with either of your preferences but it all depends on how we deal with the information that we receive. Judging by two things your boyfriend has said and did, 1) claiming that porn leads to 3somes and 2) tieing you up to berate, signifies to me that he carries shame about sex. His second action was extremely abusive, how you are after that, I don't know and it is not for me to tell you what to do but it is problematic. But what I can tell you is this, your boyfriend is projecting his anxiety, his shame and his hang ups onto you. Right now I believe that you are probably trying to justify why you like certain types of sex, or apologising, I don't know if you are, but you are reassurring him. You need to hand the shame back to your partner, if he is feeling insecure or emotionally bullying you for liking a particular form of sex that is his problem not yours.

You need to let him carry his own shame and his own issues and you need to let him know this. Tell him clearly and honestly what his behaviour does to you, begin with saying "I feel or it hurts me, etc" try and always begin with I, and avoid the 'you', tell him it makes you feel bad that he accuses you of wanting to have sex with other men, or that his words hurt. Tell him how it made you feel when he tied you up and berated you, but always start with I felt this. If he is unwilling to listen, interrupts or disrupts what you are saying, ask him to stop and if he won't then get up and walk out of the room. These are hard things to do, if he meets you half you, then your relationship has a chance, if he does not and continues to berate you, then it is not about sexual differences but him trying to change you into something you are not and having no respect for you or the relationship.

seahorse

Sorry OP but it's not a bed problem you're dealing with here, it's a head problem. Your OH has serious issues and I don't think you ought to put yourself through the hassle and the heartache of dealing with them.

tbh

SarahSassy wrote: »

What? Yeah break up with your lovely boyfriend with whom you have good sex and head off out to Cafe en Seine - you'll find plenty of guys there who will just f@@k you.....

hilarious over-reaction. Imagine the OP had said her boyfriend likes rape fantasies - you'd be giving her the same advice? if she's not getting the sex she wants, she shouldn't be judged for not settling.

OP, hard call. can you make a compromise? Tell your b/f that you want one night a month to act out your fantasies. If he's not willing to at least try that, you may want to re-think your relationship.

Mackleton

TBH OP, it sounds like your OH has some issues with sexual intimacy and sex in general. He seems to see anything that varies even slightly from the ordinary as depraved or wrong, is this maybe the product of an overly conservative/religious upbringing?

Also, the lack of affectionate gestures outside of the bedroom sounds, well, repressed in a way. Like sexual or romantic expression is again, wrong.

It seems that there are a lot of deeper issues involved here, and at a very base level, someone who loves you would at least make an effort and try to meet your needs, and understand your point of view. The stunt when tying you up was underhand and sadistic as well. Major talks are in order.

jazzlewazzle

whats OP (new here)

Wurly

jazzlewazzle wrote: »

whats OP (new here)

Original poster.;)

jazzlewazzle

I would think you want to move on otherwise you would not have created this thread.
And I dont blame you - and guy who is this insecure is v unattractive - good sex or not good sex... what ever that is for you.

your call.
your young - you want it - go get it.
you sure you love him?
sorry maybe you do but are you in love with him?!