why won't he say I love you again?

LegacyUser

My boyf told me he loved me of course I was delighted to hear it. I know Im not in love with him but I know I will I just need some time. But he hasnt said it since (2 weeks ago) and just that hes crazy about me and thinks Im great etc-but I want to hear it again.
I know this sounds crazy but I dont want to say it to him cos I wont mean it, but is he annoyed because we're not in the same place in saying I love you? Has he changed his mind? I want to hear him say it and I think maybe somethings gone wrong, even though we're still going on dates and hes been over at my flat the whole weekend.
Please help what should I do or should I say anything?

Virgil°

I think that maybe you're being a bit selfish, saying "i love you" and not hearing it in return is a tough thing to go through,not that you're wrong in holding off saying it back just yet.
I'd imagine its why he hasn't said it since.

SarahSassy

Wow you are really really up your own jacksie arent ya? you want him to say it but you dont recriprocate his feeling?

The poor lad...

beks101

Do you really not understand why he hasn't repeated it?

Have a read over your post again - you've answered your own question here. Saying 'I love you' is a pretty big deal and a damn hard thing to do, as you're basically putting it all out there without the guarantee that the other person will reciprocate.

That's what he did, you didn't reciprocate, and now you're expecting him to put himself through that again?

By all means, don't say it until you're ready, that would be even crueller on the guy and would undermine your relationship. But cut him a break, for crying out loud!

He's probably feeling disappointed, a little confused and emotionally vulnerable. Have you explained to him that you aren't there yet but think the world of him and just need a bit of time?

LegacyUser

Of course we have talked about our feelings he knows Im mad about him but I am not going to say I Love You if its not true, so he knew I wouldnt say it just because he said it to me, Im not a cold hearted bitch. He knows how I feel, he knew how he felt and he told me, but why has he only said it once? Ive no problem telling him when I KNOW how I feel but he is sure of he feelings and wont tell me again.

Wibbs

loveornot wrote: »

I know Im not in love with him but I know I will I just need some time.

That's a part that confuses me. Surely you either do or you don't, or am I being too black and white?

As for his lack of repeating his feelings, I agree with the others. I can only speak for myself, but if I tell someone I love them it's a huge deal for me. If they didn't respond I wouldn't say it again until they did. Indeed I could imagine that I would actually start to dial my feelings back a bit. It hasn't happened so far, so I dunno if I would in reality, but I would surprise myself if I didn't.

Why? because I would assume either I misjudged her feelings towards me or she needs time(and I would really be wondering why). If I read your post in this context I would really back off as it does sound very self centered IMHO.

SarahSassy

What is your motivation here? To hold the 'power' in the relationship? An ego boost?

LegacyUser

Its not an ego boost, I'm looking for advice on what to do. I was over the moon when he told me, I am not going to lie about how I feel though-why would I say it if its not true. People do not fall in love at the same time, Wibbs, we all take things at our own pace and Im not going to rush saying I Love You to him if I know I dont feel that way yet-you are being too black and white. We are a very happy couple and I dont think me lying about my feelings will help. Why would I say it just because he does if its a big lie just to be nice, thats the worst thing anyone could do, say I Love You when you KNOW its a lie.
Should I discuss this with him or let him express himself however he feels? He KNOWS I am mad about him, we spend lots of time together, we're very affectionate but I know I am not in love just yet, but the more we are together the deeper my feelings are and I know after more time Ill be in love.
What should I do bring it up or not?

dudara

Why are you waiting for him to say it again? What kind of emotional crutch are you looking for?

The man has said that he loves you. Why isn't that enough for you? Don't demean the value of what he has said by making ir repeat it on demand.

martdalto

It's such a major thing. Both saying (and of course meaning) I love you, and then to hear nothing back except silence, or even worse "Thank You"!

He has let you know he loves you. He's possibly now "waiting" for you to get to the same place.

How do you know you will love him? Why don't you love him at the minute, and how are you so sure it will progress to love?

How would you feel, honestly, if you told him you loved him and didn't hear it back - or heard, "Well I don't love you yet, but I will". Would you keep putting yourself out there?

I do agree that you are being a little selfish here. You don't love him, and he knows this, yet you expect him to keep telling you he's loves you? Re read your post and reverse the roles.. it won't come across very nice.

SarahSassy

Why do you want him to say it again? you have not clarified that.

Wibbs

I'd say for ego reinforcement and security. I don't mean that in a bad way. After all he said it so he could get some of that too. We all say things like that waiting for the "right" answer. Very very few are so selfless that they will say that as a statement of fact without looking for a return.

As for falling in love at the same time. Yes I would agree many don't. Clearly it's better if they do, but as you say people differ.

SS des make a good point, if it's not for ego reinforcement and security, why do you need him to say it again? Are you worried by you not reciprocating he's backing off emotionally from you?

martdalto

I'm looking for advice on what to do.....

What advice do you want? What advice did you think you should get?

What should I do bring it up or not?

If you were to bring it up - how did you plan to do this?

To be honest, it sounds a little childish that you want him to tell you that he loves you, even though you don't love him.

Regardless of what you say, it is an ego boost. You've admitted that you felt fantastic when he told you, and you want him to say it again.. so that you can feel fantastic again.. that's what they call an ego boost!!

The only advice I can give you is say nothing. Be glad that he told you, and be glad that you have someone who loves you. If try to coerce him into saying it again - and you still don't reciprocate he may think that you are just having a bit of fun with him.

Say nothing, be glad he told you and tell him the second you feel the time is right for you.

barleybooley

I think you're getting a unanimous opinion here OP and I'd have to agree to it. My boyfriend said it to me and said nothing more until I said it back and when I did, he waxed lyrical about how much he actually loves me. He can't stand saying it and not hearing it back, say, during an argument (don't judge, just something I do), it really, really stings him so much.

I really think you should give him a break about this, like, that is always a huge step saying it first and perhaps keep letting him know that you're really into him until such a time that you are ready to say it back.

I also think that if someone can say that so easily and keep saying it then maybe it doesn't mean a whole lot, whereas he probably is genuinely in love with you, don't know if that makes a whole lot of sense to you but to me it does.

cournioni

When I said I loved my girlfriend, she didn't say it back to me for another month and a half after. In that time, I didn't say I loved her as I didn't want to put any pressure on her to say it back. When she did, I must have repeated it to her about 10 times in a minute and got it back in the same amount.

He probably won't say he loves you again until you say it to him, most likely because of the same reasons I gave you there... He is probably feeling pretty vulnerable at the moment too, so give him a break. By all means wait until you feel the same way to say it to him but never judge him until you do.

LegacyUser

I guess I thought a person wouldnt say I Love You just once and then not say it again.
I understand it is a HUGE deal to say it, which is why I dont want to say it until I mean it, but as it is a big deal why would he only say it once and not tell me again, I am confused. I dont need to hear it all day every day or any time we're in bed but once would be nice....do you think he regrets saying it? Or have feelings changed? I am confused.

Wibbs

Eh hello? He expected it back so he feels a little off balance. It's not really rocket science in that regard. Put yourself in his position. YOu'd probably be the same.

beks101

loveornot wrote: »

I guess I thought a person wouldnt say I Love You just once and then not say it again.
I understand it is a HUGE deal to say it, which is why I dont want to say it until I mean it, but as it is a big deal why would he only say it once and not tell me again, I am confused. I dont need to hear it all day every day or any time we're in bed but once would be nice....do you think he regrets saying it? Or have feelings changed? I am confused.

Wow.

So you get that it's a 'HUGE deal to say it', aren't prepared to say it yourself, but expect him to say it over and over? Why are the rules different for him?

Should it be less of a deal for him now that he's already thrown the words out there - they should just roll off his tongue at this stage?

LegacyUser

Wibbs he was not expecting it back, when he told me he said he knew I was not feeling exactly the same but that didnt bother him because he knew how he felt and wanted to tell me how he felt.
He has often said he knows he's the one whose more into me than I am into him, but he is okay with this as our relationship is developing and he is aware I need more time to be sure of how I feel...I am mad about him but dont want to say I Love You unless I can look him in the eyes and have no doubts....so that has made me think maybe he has changed or his feelings are different

Bonito

That's a bit harsh, you cant force him to say it again, and don't tell him you love him just so you can hear him say it again, what one wants one does not get.

It's best he hasn't said it again, when you say it too much it loses it's meaning, maybe those 3 little words ment a huge deal to him and when you didn't say it back he got crushed.

Have you even asked how he's feeling since? For all yo know he could be thinking you don't love him and there's no point staying with you, in saying that the only thing that may be stopping him dumping you is because his feelings of love for you are very strong.

Give him a break maybe he's waiting to say it again when he knows you feel the same, all you have to do is when you say it to him make sure you mean it and you're not just saying it to hear it back to feel good about yourself.

He's being extremely patient with you and has let you know he knows how you feel but he just felt compelled to let you know how he felt, regardless of whether you love him yet or not he wanted you to know how he felt, and now you're complaining that he wont say it again? If I told my girlfriend I loved her and I didn't hear it back from her she wouldn't be hearing it again until i got it back.

Wibbs

I doubt his feelings have changed. He's just holding back. He's said his piece, he appears to know where you stand so he's leaving it at that. I would be surprised if he didn't hope anyway that you would return it, but unless anything else significant has changed since I wouldnt worry about it at all.

martdalto

If you really love someone, and we have to assume he was genuine in what he said, then you don't just stop loving them in 2 weeks!

Don't worry about him not telling you. Maybe he's not telling you again because he doesn't want to pressure you into feeling you should say it back?

I agree with Wibbs, unless something dramatic has happened in your relationship since he told you, then he still loves you, but isn't too keen on going on about it - especially as he knows you're not in the same place yet.

He may say it again soon, he may not say it again at all until you tell him.

dublingal80

you really need to see where he is coming from.

Yes he said it, and yes he knew you might not say it back, but after actually saying the words out loud and not hearing that you love him too maybe has hurt him a little, but he wont say it to you as he doesnt want to pressure you, so the best way he can cope is to not say it until he either gets over it or until you say it too.

as previous posters have said, unless something drastic has changed, he hasnt changed his mind, but he may have gotten a little hurt, so he may hold off on saying it for a while. He is giving you the time to say it when you are ready so just bear with him and he will say it himself when he is ready again


I know if that was me and if i knew my OH wasnt fully there yet and I said those three words, id would still hurt me, cos i would secretly be hoping that once i have said it, after a day or two it might make them realise how much they do care about me and that they do in fact love me. and the longer it took for them to say the 3 words the more insecure I would be feeling

Dont get yourself into a tizzy about it

BraziliaNZ

i learned years ago that you should always wait for the girl to say it first, don't be foolish boys!

LegacyUser

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

i learned years ago that you should always wait for the girl to say it first, don't be foolish boys!

WTF?!? Why should she say it first? Call me crazy but whoever feels like it should say it. OP, give him time. If you know you'll get there stick with it and it'll work out. Don't just say it for the sake of it.