Husband and Best Friend

Soraya

Dear all,

I am going through a very difficult process in my life.
My husband has fall in love with my best friend, who I have treated like a sister for the last 4 years. He says he fell for her about 3 years ago but just tried to put it on the back of his mind. We have always been very happy, but our relationshiop has gone into problems this year, and he suggested separation. I was devastated and left to a hotel, and my "friend" has come to my rescue and been so supportive, but at some point when she was making me company she started crying and blurted out that he was in love with her. Initially she said she didn't share the same feelings, but he came to see me afterwards and said that she also has feelings for him, which she doesn't deny now. Both of them swear nothing happened and will not see each other again.

I am finding really hard to understand why they both have put me in this situation. I wish my husband could have acted when he realized that he was falling for her, maybe keeping a distance, or even moving away. I was naive and just let her closer and closer to us. I also find it unforgivable that when he finally declared himself to her, that she said she reciprocate the feelings.

I am ready to forgive my husband, which sounds insane when I say it out loud. He does not seem to have forgotten her or to be working towards it. I think he just wishes I would go quietly, but I am not preppared to do so. This all happened in a week and I am finding very hard to believe that I can make it through.

We have agreed to take a break in the relationship. I wish he could see the importance of the relationship and marriage we have, we have been married for 6 years but know each other since childhood. I am starting to lose all hope to ever get him back, but the thought of being alone and single again makes me want to die.

I don't understand how the 2 people I loved the most could have betrayed me this way. I want to find my self esteem back so I can show my husband what is that he is missing. Does that sound silly? I know most people here will think that I should drop the loser, but is there anything else I can do? To end my marriage is my last option.

Thanks for your comments.

foodie66

Soraya wrote: »

Dear all,

I am going through a very difficult process in my life.
My husband has fall in love with my best friend, who I have treated like a sister for the last 4 years. He says he fell for her about 3 years ago but just tried to put it on the back of his mind. We have always been very happy, but our relationshiop has gone into problems this year, and he suggested separation. I was devastated and left to a hotel, and my "friend" has come to my rescue and been so supportive, but at some point when she was making me company she started crying and blurted out that he was in love with her. Initially she said she didn't share the same feelings, but he came to see me afterwards and said that she also has feelings for him, which she doesn't deny now. Both of them swear nothing happened and will not see each other again.

I am finding really hard to understand why they both have put me in this situation. I wish my husband could have acted when he realized that he was falling for her, maybe keeping a distance, or even moving away. I was naive and just let her closer and closer to us. I also find it unforgivable that when he finally declared himself to her, that she said she reciprocate the feelings.

I am ready to forgive my husband, which sounds insane when I say it out loud. He does not seem to have forgotten her or to be working towards it. I think he just wishes I would go quietly, but I am not preppared to do so. This all happened in a week and I am finding very hard to believe that I can make it through.

We have agreed to take a break in the relationship. I wish he could see the importance of the relationship and marriage we have, we have been married for 6 years but know each other since childhood. I am starting to lose all hope to ever get him back, but the thought of being alone and single again makes me want to die.

I don't understand how the 2 people I loved the most could have betrayed me this way. I want to find my self esteem back so I can show my husband what is that he is missing. Does that sound silly? I know most people here will think that I should drop the loser, but is there anything else I can do? To end my marriage is my last option.

Thanks for your comments.

Wow that is like the ultimate betrayal, im sorry to hear that. Personally I couldn't forgive that but only you know if you can rescue your marriage. If he is in love with her then there is no point in staying married to him. Its very difficult but you will be better in the long run. Also is it really breaking up with him that is the worst part or not being married and being single? Because being single really isn't the worst thing in the world. You need to build back up your confidence and you won't do that married to a guy who is in love with somebody else.

Abi

Soraya wrote: »

Dear all,

I am going through a very difficult process in my life.
My husband has fall in love with my best friend, who I have treated like a sister for the last 4 years. He says he fell for her about 3 years ago but just tried to put it on the back of his mind.

I'm going to go paragraph by paragraph with my thoughts on this, because it is complicated. There is a possibility that there is a segment of truth to this, because it is not uncommon that dispite being attached / married, men can find other women attractive, interesting etc. They don't stop noticing these things just because they have gotten married; although most assume to be able to get beyond it. I'm not saying you have ever felt this way, but some women go through this too.

Sadly, he didn't see the big flashing neon sign and allowed himself into unchartered waters, as it were.

We have always been very happy, but our relationshiop has gone into problems this year, and he suggested separation. I was devastated and left to a hotel, and my "friend" has come to my rescue and been so supportive,

A mixture of guilt, and probably didn't want you to suspect her I'd imagine.

but at some point when she was making me company she started crying and blurted out that he was in love with her.

..Not being able to take the pressure and overwhelmed by guilt, but cowardly blamed your husband..

Initially she said she didn't share the same feelings, but he came to see me afterwards and said that she also has feelings for him, which she doesn't deny now. Both of them swear nothing happened and will not see each other again.

There were conversations going on between the two, in my estimation to set some damage limitation in place. Where does that start / end...? Did they have a friendly chat about their feelings? Kissed? more? I've a feeling that you've asked, but are probably terrified of the real answer.

I am finding really hard to understand why they both have put me in this situation.

I don't think either party were 'thinking' tbh, and acted selfishly.

I wish my husband could have acted when he realized that he was falling for her, maybe keeping a distance, or even moving away.

As I said up above, I don't think he thought it was going to go as far as it did, and by no means is that in his defense.

I was naive and just let her closer and closer to us.

I can understand how cheated you must feel. Each line you've given is like a flow of your thought processes, and I can really see how hurt you are and desperate to put things right.

I also find it unforgivable that when he finally declared himself to her, that she said she reciprocate the feelings.

Now this is where it changes from woman to woman.

I am ready to forgive my husband, which sounds insane when I say it out loud.

Your last point ties in with this.

He does not seem to have forgotten her or to be working towards it. I think he just wishes I would go quietly, but I am not preppared to do so.

You need to step back. I know how difficult this will be for you to do, but whatever this is between them needs to either fizzle out, or continue. I understand why you wouldn't want to just 'give up'. But its doing you no good whatsoever listening to this (excuse me) shit off him. Its a waste of your time and energy, and its piss or get off the pot time for him.

This all happened in a week and I am finding very hard to believe that I can make it through.

Its so raw in your mind right now, but you need to stay focused.

We have agreed to take a break in the relationship. I wish he could see the importance of the relationship and marriage we have, we have been married for 6 years but know each other since childhood.

That is why it is hurting you so much, and why you feel so lost right now, and out of control of this situation. The best thing you can do for yourself right now, is take control of yourself. Thats your beginning point, and I wouldnt allow myself to look in the least bit desperate to him. It seems right now that the ball is entirely in his court, but given some time.. I think hes going to start remembering those things you wished he'd remember right now.

I am starting to lose all hope to ever get him back, but the thought of being alone and single again makes me want to die.

As I mentioned above, this ties in. You've known him for a large portion of your life, and haven't known much of life without him. So its understandable why you feel so detached. Somehow find it in you to stand tall, let events pan out. You might find the ball is back in your court at sometime.

I don't understand how the 2 people I loved the most could have betrayed me this way. I want to find my self esteem back so I can show my husband what is that he is missing. Does that sound silly?

Not in the least. Honestly, if I had a chance, I'd be round to you with wine for a chat that would set you straight again. Something similar-ish happened to me a very long time ago. I won't tell you of the outcome, because I won't sway your choice one way or the other. You're within you're rights to ditch him or work it out with him, I don't see how anyone could judge you.

I know most people here will think that I should drop the loser, but is there anything else I can do? To end my marriage is my last option.

Its commendable that you'd sooner save your marraige than drop him. Its still very early days, and you are stunned by all of this. My only advice to you at this point is; with all your might, control yourself. He knows where his home and his wife is, and like you -hes had someone in his life since childhood. Thats not going to go away in a hurry, no matter what it seems like right this minute. You can scream, ball and shout all you like at either one of them, but its not going to do you any good, and you will feel worse for it.

As I said earlier, you could see your thoughts flowing out in your post, and my heart goes out to you. I do hope things work out.

Bottle_of_Smoke

If he fell in love with her while married to you I can't imagine he has anything but platonic feelings for you now.

If you patch things up he'll resent not being with her, you'll be forever suspicious they've been together already and that he doesn't really love you.

Think the marriage is dead. How could you ever have self esteem whilst attached to him.

Talk to a family member, counseller or GP, you need seomeone to help you with this

Soraya

Abigayle wrote: »

I'm going to go paragraph by paragraph with my thoughts on this, because it is complicated. There is a possibility that there is a segment of truth to this, because it is not uncommon that dispite being attached / married, men can find other women attractive, interesting etc. They don't stop noticing these things just because they have gotten married; although most assume to be able to get beyond it. I'm not saying you have ever felt this way, but some women go through this too.

Dear Abigayle,

Thank you so much for your thorough post. I am very glad I have decided to post here. Everything you have said ties in with my own thoughts, but I didn't had yet the clearance of mind to organize my own conclusions, and you have been a lot of help.

Abigayle wrote: »

There were conversations going on between the two, in my estimation to set some damage limitation in place. Where does that start / end...? Did they have a friendly chat about their feelings? Kissed? more? I've a feeling that you've asked, but are probably terrified of the real answer.

As far as I know (although it is hard to be sure), no physical contact has happened. They had a talk in which he confessed that he was trying to supress feelings for her for a long time. She said she also had feelings, but they both agreed that the feelings were platonic. I don't think they have planned to tell me, before the night at the hotel when she told me. When she left the hotel room, she called him immediately and I told him. Both of them promised me that they would never call or see each other again. I don't know if they can stick to the promise but I have chosen to believe them at this point. I don't think they ever contemplated staying together, but maybe this is me being naive again. She said that I shouldn't worry about her being around, as she knows she behaved horribly and will not be on the way of my marriage. She also has a boyfriend of a few years, which was told the whole story and agreed to give her a second chance.

Abigayle wrote: »

That is why it is hurting you so much, and why you feel so lost right now, and out of control of this situation. The best thing you can do for yourself right now, is take control of yourself. Thats your beginning point, and I wouldnt allow myself to look in the least bit desperate to him. It seems right now that the ball is entirely in his court, but given some time.. I think hes going to start remembering those things you wished he'd remember right now.

I will give him the oportunity to think about what is it that he wants to value. Now, I will try to control myself with all my will and go on with my daily business. It is incredibly dificult. I haven't been able to talk to anyone, as I don't want to give people the oportunity to judge me or him. But I agree that the ball is in his court now and I need to let him take his own decisions.

Abigayle wrote: »

Its commendable that you'd sooner save your marraige than drop him. Its still very early days, and you are stunned by all of this. My only advice to you at this point is; with all your might, control yourself. He knows where his home and his wife is, and like you -hes had someone in his life since childhood. Thats not going to go away in a hurry, no matter what it seems like right this minute. You can scream, ball and shout all you like at either one of them, but its not going to do you any good, and you will feel worse for it.

I am willing to save my marriage because I absolutely love him. By writing this post I have felt better now, but before I have shouted plenty of abuse at her, even sent her a very abusive email. I understand this is not the way forward, but at some point the very existence of her leading her normal life while I am here lost and alone makes me so mad.

I will continue to keep my head straight, even though it seems impossible. Thanks a lot for your help.

Abi

Soraya wrote: »

Dear Abigayle,

Abi is fine

Thank you so much for your thorough post. I am very glad I have decided to post here. Everything you have said ties in with my own thoughts, but I didn't had yet the clearance of mind to organize my own conclusions, and you have been a lot of help.

I'm terribly sorry for what you are going through, but I'm glad I can be of any help.

As far as I know (although it is hard to be sure), no physical contact has happened. They had a talk in which he confessed that he was trying to supress feelings for her for a long time. She said she also had feelings, but they both agreed that the feelings were platonic. I don't think they have planned to tell me, before the night at the hotel when she told me. When she left the hotel room, she called him immediately and I told him.

You mentioned something about a hotel in your original post, but I wasn't sure where it tied in. I take it that something happened there that made you realise something was going on?

Both of them promised me that they would never call or see each other again. I don't know if they can stick to the promise but I have chosen to believe them at this point. I don't think they ever contemplated staying together, but maybe this is me being naive again.

You say 'staying together'. I think you're choosing to ignore the possibility of them ever having anything other than a discussion about it. You need to check in with this hon. I say this because if yourself and himself ever do come to an agreement, and you make a go of it, well this fact might eat away at you. You need to go where you don't want to, and try to find out the truth. Its totally understandable you don't want to feel anymore hurt than you do, you want to believe in and trust this man you've known most of your life. But you need to try to work through every detail. You're trying desperately to band-aid this, but this one might need some stitches hon.

She said that I shouldn't worry about her being around, as she knows she behaved horribly and will not be on the way of my marriage. She also has a boyfriend of a few years, which was told the whole story and agreed to give her a second chance.

Personally, I'd but some space between you. How the hell can yourself and your husband get through this with the reminder around. I'm not saying forever or anything, but if you want a chance as a couple to survive this, you need to concentrate on one another for a while.

I will give him the oportunity to think about what is it that he wants to value. Now, I will try to control myself with all my will and go on with my daily business. It is incredibly dificult. I haven't been able to talk to anyone, as I don't want to give people the oportunity to judge me or him. But I agree that the ball is in his court now and I need to let him take his own decisions.

This is key here. Somehow he's lost his way, and I think he'll find his way home if you cut off the 'life support' hes had from you for as long as hes had it. You've given him everything. Your love, your life, your trust, your support.. and it seems to me hes slipped up and taken this for granted. A pretty distraction is around and hes missed this neon sign. I don't want to refer to her as a 'her', shes a blip if you have so much love for him that you can wade through this, and he sees sense.

Can I ask you, if she has a boyfriend - did you say anything to him? Does he know anything about this at all?

I am willing to save my marriage because I absolutely love him.

You're a strong and honest woman. I could say that he doesn't deserve you here, but he could make the mother of all come backs here and realise what a ridiculous mess up hes made of it all.

I have no way of knowing what way this will go, but sometimes thats what it takes.. an ridiculous mistake to make you snap out of it.

By writing this post I have felt better now, but before I have shouted plenty of abuse at her, even sent her a very abusive email. I understand this is not the way forward

I don't know who could fault you here. I'd say it was somewhat theraputic at the time. But you have to be the bigger woman here. It's amazing how a woman can be not in the wrong, yet an emotional protest against what shes put into her relationship makes her look unhinged.

No matter how hard it hurts, its time for playing sitting duck and composure.

but at some point the very existence of her leading her normal life while I am here lost and alone makes me so mad.

She deserve it, but don't dive to her level.

I will continue to keep my head straight, even though it seems impossible. Thanks a lot for your help.

You're welcome. And you will get through all of this, no matter how grim it might seem right now.

SarahSassy

OP I am not trying to hurt you btu I cant figure out how they would have ended up having 'the conversation' in which they discovered feelings for each other in the first place. How do you suddenly, out of the blue, tell your friends husband / wife's friend that you have feelings for them? I worry you dont have the full picture here.

Soraya

SarahSassy wrote: »

OP I am not trying to hurt you btu I cant figure out how they would have ended up having 'the conversation' in which they discovered feelings for each other in the first place. How do you suddenly, out of the blue, tell your friends husband / wife's friend that you have feelings for them? I worry you dont have the full picture here.

Hi Sarah,
after you have said that I went to him with this question. So I believe that nothing happened between them. She was also his best friend and we have the same group of friends. I was away for work and they kept going out as normal with our other friends and because we were having fights over the phone, he probably had a moment of misjudgement and said that to her. He says he has been supressing these feelings for a while, and I suppose he could not hold it back. It was a very bad call, and he now says he regrets to have said that. I know I cannot hold it on his defense, but the idea that they kissed or else is not plausible to me at the moment. I believe that in the heat of the moment she said she also had feelings for him, but decided to brush it off also because she knew it was trouble. She also has a boyfriend who she says she loves.
This is might not be the absolute truth, but it seems as close to the reality as I am going to get.

Soraya

Abigayle wrote: »

You mentioned something about a hotel in your original post, but I wasn't sure where it tied in. I take it that something happened there that made you realise something was going on?

I had to go into a Hotel myself as he said that he needed time to think. I know I should have send him away from our home, but I felt I was being braver by stepping away myself. At this point I knew nothing about the fact he has said anything to her, we were just going through a bad time and I wanted to cool things down. She went over there to see me for support, and end up telling me this.

Abigayle wrote: »

You say 'staying together'. I think you're choosing to ignore the possibility of them ever having anything other than a discussion about it. You need to check in with this hon. I say this because if yourself and himself ever do come to an agreement, and you make a go of it, well this fact might eat away at you. You need to go where you don't want to, and try to find out the truth. Its totally understandable you don't want to feel anymore hurt than you do, you want to believe in and trust this man you've known most of your life. But you need to try to work through every detail. You're trying desperately to band-aid this, but this one might need some stitches hon.

As per my previous post, I asked them to be completely honest in several occasions, and both have said that they could not act on it because it was just wrong. I asked this to him today and he was adamant. I have no choice but to believe him.

Abigayle wrote: »

Personally, I'd but some space between you. How the hell can yourself and your husband get through this with the reminder around. I'm not saying forever or anything, but if you want a chance as a couple to survive this, you need to concentrate on one another for a while.

She has agreed to stay away, as she wants to get her life back on track. Forever sounds a good time to never speak to her again.

Abigayle wrote: »

Can I ask you, if she has a boyfriend - did you say anything to him? Does he know anything about this at all?

As far as I know, she told him the whole truth, the same day she told me. He has agreed to stay (although I find that he will eventually leave her). She said that her boyfriend is probably staying with her out of pity, as she lost her 2 best friends and seems to be in bits (I don't know how much of this is true). I haven't talked to him, and cannot even face him! If I see him I would probably tell him my opinion about her and I can't see how separating them would bring me anything good.

Abigayle wrote: »

You're a strong and honest woman. I could say that he doesn't deserve you here, but he could make the mother of all come backs here and realise what a ridiculous mess up hes made of it all.

Somehow, I want to focus on the best case scenario: He will realize what he is doing and come back to his senses. I don't want to focus on the worst outcome possible before it even happens. I have given him time and the option to work it out. I just need to be strong still before this eats me up completely.

Thanks a lot for you support!

Abi

It sounds like you have your head together Soraya, and I really hope things work out for you soon. Best of luck!

Munstermad

Hi there, am so sorry to hear your story. The pain and shock must have be mindblowing. I wish you the very best , remeber u deserve someone who puts u first and loves u more than anyone else. Take care

Aloysius Flyte

Hello Soraya

I am truely sorry for your pain. I can't imagine what it's like for you.

I do wish you all the best whatever happens in the future.

I do have one comment to make.

You seem to be veering all your anger towards your ex best friend and none towards your husband. And if I have read your post right, he was the one who initially betrayed you by giving out about you to her. That's the first betrayal in my book.

Then he was the one who declared his feelings, not her. Yet you are most angry that she reciprocated??

Yes, she does deserve your angry feelings, but you are channeling all your anger in the wrong direction. She deserves some of it, but not all of it.
Your husband betrayed you. Be angry about it - with HIM!

It is not your friends fault that your husband fell in love with her. It simply isn't. It's your husbands fault and by blaming your friend is you ignoring that fact.

Go to a counsellor. Take some time off, take a holiday if you can. You need to start thinking clearly before you can deal with the situation.

Good luck.

Soraya

Aloysius Flyte wrote: »

You seem to be veering all your anger towards your ex best friend and none towards your husband. And if I have read your post right, he was the one who initially betrayed you by giving out about you to her. That's the first betrayal in my book.

Then he was the one who declared his feelings, not her. Yet you are most angry that she reciprocated??

Yes, she does deserve your angry feelings, but you are channeling all your anger in the wrong direction. She deserves some of it, but not all of it.
Your husband betrayed you. Be angry about it - with HIM!

It is not your friends fault that your husband fell in love with her. It simply isn't. It's your husbands fault and by blaming your friend is you ignoring that fact.

I do understand your point. Believe me, I have a lot of anger for him too.
Initially, I directed all my anger at him and felt really sorry for her. Then I started to rethink her steps on the last few weeks and realize that she had all power to avoid me going through it. Mostly she had no right to tell me, because she knew I was already fighting for my marriage. But she decided to go through with it, trying to consolate me and preparing me for the worst.

At this point, to hate him is not productive, because I want him back. I have take the decision that, while we are on a break, I will keep my head straight and give him the oportunity to rethink. Unfortunately it is hard to feel any respect for her now. Even if it wasn't her fault, to despise her is just natural. She already knew it and kept coming to our home, kept asking us out, and pretending nothing was happening. What they have both done is unforgivable. But I am married to him and my marriage is too important to me.

I will try to look for some counselling. I feel that I need it, because althought I am very much decided to give him another chance, the anger I have will not go away easily. I have to work things out as they come. Slowly I hope I get through it.

Thanks