Family trouble

LegacyUser

Hi folks,

My brother and I don't speak anymore, and haven't for the last few months. He did something that I explicitly warned him never to try again. He always has to take what isn't his and I'm sick of it. When I caught him I got more than a bit angry, I definitely overreacted. Usually I'm a bit of a walkover and I would feel pressurized into making peace but I'm not having it this time. I'm still just as angry as ever even 3 months on. I refuse to apologize for my overreaction until I get an apology from him for the deed itself.

The day after it happened we sat down to talk about it. I explain why I'm so pissed and admitted that I overreacted and lo and behold (in typical fashion) he maintains he's done nothing wrong! He is a very persuasive and occasionally intimidating person but I'm not having it this time. So I'm sticking with a position that until he understands why I'm so angry and apologizes to me, I'm not backing down.

The thing is he's facing some jail time in the very near future (it's almost a certainty) and my parents are at the end of their rope with that alone. I feel terrible for putting this on them as well but I just can't let myself back down yet again. The only words I've said to him since, I only said because I can see how upset my parents are and I know that even those few words made them a little happier. I don't really care anymore if he does go to jail since I've seen it coming for a while but it's tearing me apart to see my parents in such a state. I don't even hate him, I just don't care about him at all.

Since he got in this trouble my parents have been tiptoeing around him constantly because he threatened to revoke his bail after a few weeks because they kept wanting to know where he was. His behaviour has gotten worse and worse since. After we fought he went out to the pub and refused to come home, he broke his bail to prove that he can do what he wants. Basically he proved one of my arguments against him that he acts like a spoilt child with a disproportionate sense of self-entitlement.

I'm at college living away from home, I've only been home 2 or 3 weekends so far because I can't stand being in the same place as him. Lately I've been thinking that even if he apologizes we won't be friends ever again, he's completely destroyed the trust I had in him. I'm at home this week and my mother is trying to get us to talk but until he apologizes I wont, (I see it that he wronged me in a far worse manner than I did when I overreacted) but he still sees himself as being in the right (he always does no matter what) and he refuses to apologize. More than anything, even more than an apology, I want him to understand why I'm so angry.

Am I purely unjustified in this? I feel terrible for putting my parents through this but I can't let him walk all over me anymore. But my mam's putting quite a bit of pressure on my to apologize first and I can't help but feel that she's emotionally blackmailing me with tears. I really don't want to compromise but I'm beginning to feel like I've no choice but to abandon my principals and go back to the spineless chump I don't want to be. Can anyone give me some advice?

My name is URL

Does he have a drug problem or anything? It's hard to gauge a siuation and provide advice without knowing what's going on, but I understand why you'd choose not to post about it.

The generic thing to say would be to make peace with him, even if it goes against your gut feeling.

If you can reach out to him you can help him

if you don't try to reach out to him, he'll have less reason to try and help himself

LegacyUser

My name is URL wrote: »

Does he have a drug problem or anything? It's hard to gauge a siuation and provide advice without knowing what's going on, but I understand why you'd choose not to post about it.

The generic thing to say would be to make peace with him, even if it goes against your gut feeling.

If you can reach out to him you can help him

if you don't try to reach out to him, he'll have less reason to try and help himself

Its not drugs, I can't really say without revealing too much. The trouble between me and him isn't really about the impending jail sentence though. Albeit his personality is the cause of both. He always has to cross boundaries and do whatever he wants time and time again. I just got sick of it and this thing just made me snap. Plus I explicitly warned him never to do what he did ever again last New Years.

I tried at first to make peace but he downright refuses to admit any wrongdoing on his part. Its typical of how he deals with problems - he's not wrong everyone else is.

He has all the reason in the world to help himself, my parents are trying their best, he's gotten out of the crowd he was in when he got in trouble, his friends have been great, all the family has rallied round him but he just takes it all for granted and expects nobody to pass any remarks. Most of the family are too worried about upsetting him to say a bad word to him because his first resort is always to shout them down. I'm not putting up with it any more, I've had enough of him arguing at the most inconsequential comments.

Jo King

You should not back down. You are only going to re-enforce his behaviour. Your parents are reluctant to confront him because they feel somehow responsible. Once he is gone from the house things will improve.

Elba101

You're right to not back down but it does seem he has other issues (apart from his pending sentence) that he's acting out in such a way? Why did he get involved with that group of friends and get into trouble in the first place? Has he ever spoken about this?

LegacyUser

Everyone here has been supportive of him and he just throws it back at everybody and I'm tired of it. I'm sure he does have his own issues but no matter how supportive or helpful the family is he chafes under any sort of confinement, whether actual or imagined. My parents would ask him where he was going a lot and he would let loose at them for it. It was quite obvious even at the time he was going downhill but he wasn't trying to stop at all. I got on with him very well at the time and know that he dived headlong into it with no doubts.

In his mind I'm sure he glorified getting involved with these people, and they really did a job of drawing him in. They played a part in him getting in trouble but at the same time he didn't exactly hesitate about involving himself with them. I'm just surprised it took so long for him to get in such serious trouble.

Thanks for the responses. I feel a bit better about sticking to my guns now.