I cheated on my boyfriend

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

As the title says, I cheated on my boyfriend of 5 years with a work colleague last weekend.
I know alcohol is no excuse but it does make you behave in a way you never usually would. I'm not even attracted to the guy at work but somehow ended up having sex with him in the Hotel. It was a work overnight stay.

My boyfriend cheated on me about 2 years ago witha girl we both knew. I was devasted, I mean absolutley heart broken. I went on anti-depressants and lost my job over it (I called in sick constantly cause i couldn't face being in work).

I love my bf deeply. I really do so despite what people may think, you can cheat while being in love with someone else.

I think on some level I did it to get even with him for before. I took him back and I thought I had forgiven him but I guess these things fester away.

Btw, he never told me about the girl he slept with, she did. She told me and I confronted him and he admitted.

So my question is - Will I keep this quiet like my secret revenge or will I tell him and lose the man I love?

Thanks

Wibbs

OK folks I want to be clear about this. This is an emotive subject and has a lot of potential for high horseism so lets just stick to advice. No digs or insults at the OP. If you feel this boils your blood too much so that you cant give measured advice(and thats fine BTW), just don't post. Thanks.

LegacyUser

if you truely do "love him" then you tell him for his sake , if you believe taking revenge on someone you love is right well then you should think about would it really be so bad to lose him ? good luck

RossFixxxed

Hi, do you see this relationship actually carrying on if you need 'secret revenge' and you are still that affected by his actions? (I'm not judging at all, all I have to go on is your post).

Taltos

I think you need to be really really clear as to why you cheated.
And why you think it is ok?
btw alcohol does not make it ok.

As to whether to tell your OH or not - why do you want to?
a) to hurt him?
b) to make yourself feel better?
c) to end the relationship?

The bigger question for me is - the WHY - and will you do it again?
Some relationships can survive cheating - yours has for the last two years - though you cheating calls that into question now.

You know - did you cheat because
a) you do want revenge - if so then why not follow thru and tell him
b) an ego boost
c) something is missing in your relationship that you need
d) you are just one of those folk that think it is ok to cheat (in case folk are unsure I do not think it is ok)...
e) your relationship is over - it ended over 2 years ago and neither of you have had the strength to admit it.

Sometimes it is easier to stay in a relationship than to stand alone.

Oryx

OP, work out for yourself why you did this. That is all that is really important. Was it really revenge, two years on? Or a shake up for something you find boring, or a self destructive urge? Drink plays a part, but it doesnt change your whole personality and habits. YOU did this, not alcohol. You need to know why.

If it is in some way to get even, I promise you two years down the road, he will not understand. Not even a little. So Id advise understanding this yourself, reconciling it to yourself, and forgiving yourself for it.

Then look at what it has told you about your relationship, and move on with that as a separate issue, bearing in mind what you have learned.

LegacyUser

Oryx wrote: »

OP, work out for yourself why you did this. That is all that is really important. Was it really revenge, two years on? Or a shake up for something you find boring, or a self destructive urge? Drink plays a part, but it doesnt change your whole personality and habits. YOU did this, not alcohol. You need to know why.

If it is in some way to get even, I promise you two years down the road, he will not understand. Not even a little. So Id advise understanding this yourself, reconciling it to yourself, and forgiving yourself for it.

Then look at what it has told you about your relationship, and move on with that as a separate issue, bearing in mind what you have learned.

Thank you fo ryour sound advice and for not judging me (well not on here anyway!).

Folks, despite what you may think, I love my bf very much. Having ridiculousy drunken sex with my work friend meant nothing to me. I woke up and felt so ashamed. I don't fancy him, I have never looked at him like that, the sex was emotionless and robotic.

I love my bf and I want to be with him. Alcohol did play a big part. You can't say alcohol doesn't change your way of thinking and make you act out of control. It does. Alcohol was teh driver, I was in teh back seat.

Think about it, it's why some people drink, it changes how you feel, it gives you confidence.
Also, how many times have you done something stupid when drunk then woke up and thought I can't believe I did that!!!

I made a mistake. We all do sometimes. Let he who is without sin etc etc

Terodil

Oryx wrote: »

You need to know why.

Agreed.

Oryx wrote: »

So Id advise understanding this yourself, reconciling it to yourself, and forgiving yourself for it.

The OP cannot forgive herself. She did what she wanted, there's no potential for forgiveness. Her bf is the victim and hence the only one who can forgive her, if he knows.

And he should know!

You 'kinda' gave him a second try (even if you had to get even now... and I'm not allowed to post what I think of that), so I personally think he should be willing to give you a second try too. I just hope for both your sakes that he doesn't feel the need to get even with you (again). You should definitely put all the cards on the table now, which is why I think Oryx's advice was good otherwise (apart from the forgiving part).

dublingal80

i agree with everyone. Before you decide whether or not you tell your boyfriend, you do need to figure out why you did it. not because you were drunk cos thats just an excuse.
Do you fancy the guy from work? Was it something that you hope would happened? Were you looking for a thrill? Were you looking to start an affair? Or were you looking to see just what it felt like compared to your oh of 5 years?

You need to figure out whether your current relationship makes you happy or not. I know your OH cheated on you and you forgave him, but you know how devastated it made you so you can understand how upset your oh will be if you do tell him, which you should do, i feel.
The guy you work with is too close to you, he is probably going to tell at least 1 person in work what happened, and once its out, its out. your oh will find out.

Just because you forgave him though or was able to push past what he did, doesnt mean he will be able to do the same for you.



Definitely sit down and think about what you want first. Figure out your own head space and where you are at befor eyou think of anything else

Smallbit

kissykiss wrote: »

...I'm not even attracted to the guy at work but somehow ended up having sex with him in the Hotel...

There was nobody else controlling your actions that night - alcohol or not - it was you, just you. So you subconsciously either wanted revenge, or you wanted to provoke the breakup of your relationship.

You need to accept responsibility for it and then honestly assess how you feel about your relationship. Maybe a counsellor may be able to help you draw your feelings out?

I'm not judging you by the way, I've cheated on my b/f too, for completely shallow and unjustifiable reasons like "my self-esteem needed the boost" or "my boyfriend wasn't paying me enough attention" but in the final analysis, it's a lack of morals that allows you to cheat on someone you say you love. It feels crap but you get over it if you can learn from it.

Wagon

kissykiss wrote: »

I'm not even attracted to the guy at work but somehow ended up having sex with him in the Hotel.

That's the strangest part.

My boyfriend cheated on me about 2 years ago witha girl we both knew. I was devasted, I mean absolutley heart broken. I went on anti-depressants and lost my job over it (I called in sick constantly cause i couldn't face being in work).

Can understand that.

I think on some level I did it to get even with him for before. I took him back and I thought I had forgiven him but I guess these things fester away.

I think you wanted to hurt him as much as he had hurted you back then. You haven't forgiven him for that despite your best efforts. That's perfectly human but it could well be a waring sign that this relationship isn't quite working.

Btw, he never told me about the girl he slept with, she did. She told me and I confronted him and he admitted.

Really, fair play for putting in the effort for trying to forgive him. This is not how you want to find out about cheating.

So my question is - Will I keep this quiet like my secret revenge or will I tell him and lose the man I love?

But do you actually love him? I mean the chap cheated on you a few years ago, far as i can tell was happy to keep it from you and you went through something that nobody in a loving relationship should ever go through. I agree with everyone else and ask yourself why you cheated on him.

opinion guy

kissykiss wrote: »

Having ridiculousy drunken sex with my work friend meant nothing to me. I woke up and felt so ashamed. I don't fancy him, I have never looked at him like that, the sex was emotionless and robotic.

I don't accept that it meant nothing to you. It always means something. Now I do accept that it doesn't mean you had any feelings for the randomer, but it does mean something. Being honest with yourself about that is the first thing.

I love my bf and I want to be with him. Alcohol did play a big part. You can't say alcohol doesn't change your way of thinking and make you act out of control. It does. Alcohol was teh driver, I was in teh back seat.

I know you are probably shocked at yourself etc, but i'm not buying this. And I think that deep down inside you don't buy it either. Not to say that alcohol didn't play some role, but this has the smack of denial about it. You need to accept that YOU did this before you can hope to understand it.

I made a mistake. We all do sometimes. Let he who is without sin etc etc

Look at the end of the day - this is not about what others think. This is about what you think of yourself. Right now I think your are in denial because you know what its like to be the one cheated on and you don't want to believe you could have done this to someone. You need to accept that you did. Its not a pleasant realisation, but its the one you need to make if you don't want to do this again.

dmy1001

OP have you thought of STD's? Any chance of passing anything to your BF?

Miller Boy

Has there been any reaction from your work colleague since? Has he spoken to you about what happened? Is there a chance that he'll tell someone what happened and that your boyfriend will hear about it?

Zombienosh

Reading a view posts similiar to this...

Alcohol... Its great for taking the blame. I've never done anything more than be a bit of a d*ck under the influence of drink but out of respect to myself and my OH I gave up getting drunk... all I ever do anymore is have one or two, and even thats rare.

So OP if alcohol is really to blame for you and many others...and you really "love" your BF, maybe you and many others should stop drinking.

G-Money

As the saying goes "Two wrongs don't make a right".

Yeah you need to look at why you did this. There may be an element of wanting revenge, and while some might say your boyfriend deserves it (I'm not saying he doesn't), you are effectively doing to him what he did to you. I guess what sort of stood out from your post was the effect his cheating had on you and it made me wonder why you'd want to make him suffer the same way. I mean, if one were to take the high road they'd say "That hurt me so badly, I'd never want to put anyone through what I went through". But life isn't always that straight forward or easy and there seems to be a slither of revenge in your actions.

We've all done stupid things when drunk, I know I have. But at the end of the day, out of all the stupid things I've done, I've always been aware that I was doing them, to the point where I could have said no and stopped. Unless you were completely unconscious, you have to accept that you willingly cheated on him and you shouldn't use alcohol as an excuse. Lots of people (quite often some girls) will make up ridiculous justifications for their actions as they are unwilling to take responsibility for what they did. Don't be one of those girls.

As to whether you should tell him, I'm not sure. It's a tricky one. In a way I'm sure he'll wonder why you went through with it, especially after what you both went through when he cheated.

It sounds like a bit of a strange relationship to be honest OP. I mean he cheated on you, put you through all that stuff and now you go and do the same thing back to him?

One would have to wonder about the ability of you both to go the distance with each other if I'm being honest.

Hope things work out.