His contact with this ex

need_advice_

My bf broke up with his ex last year after eight years. I understand that is a fair length of time but I can't help but feel somewhat annoyed at the level of contact they still maintain. He claims to strongly dislike her (bitter ending) yet they see each other for dinner every few weeks and have even gone to the cinema together. Is this normal and I am over reacting or do I have any right to be annoyed?

Bottle_of_Smoke

It's eight years. Long long time for a relationship. They would have been close friends as well as partners. Even if you're bitter it would be like cutting an immediate family member out of your life.

I don't think seeing her every few weeks is a massive amount of contact really. Though I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to go along with them either.

Snabe

i agree that it is like cutting out a family member, but why is he continuing to see her if, as you say, he strongly dislikes her?

me and my ex are still good mates, but we don't have an interest in seeing each other on a regular basis. and in our case its still only a recent breakup after living together for over 2 years. i think there has to be a tiny bit of keeping your options open involved if you make regular arrangements to see each other after splitting up. and they sound like date type meetings. i presume his ex knows that he has a new girlfriend?

if you're uncomfortable with this, you need to talk to him about it.
i know that i would have serious questions about whether or not he's over the old relationship and if he should be in a new one.

Taltos

If you really dislike someone why go for dinner or to the cinema?

This is one of those areas I am black and white about.
Either he is lying to you about disliking her or he is lying to himself. Either way someone here is lying to someone.

Why not join them...

Just can't get away from the dislike comment - if I dislike someone I do my best not to have to talk to them - let alone have a dinner with them.

CathyMoran

A word of caution...had a very bad split from my then ex (were together 6/7 years when we split) but we were still in contact while seeing other people...we are married about 3 years now. He should not be that close to someone that he still has such strong feelings for (love is close to hate)...tread with caution at least for now, you do not want to get hurt.

need_advice_

Thanks for everyones advice. I really appreciate it.

A few more questions though.

She is not particularly fond of me from having met her once and she made a catty comment. I don't know how much I want to actually want to be in her company. Would it be undue grief to join them on a 'date'?

How should I bring up the topic with him?

Do I have any right to confront him outright about it? I understand that they were together a long time and don't want to be a high maintanence young'un.

If I was to leave it go and run it's course as I am not thinking they are having come kind of illicit affair, how far is too far? How long is too long for them to still see each other?

Kimia

Tell him straight out that you think it's weird, and if he dislikes her so much why does he go to dinner and the cinema with her?

To be very honest OP there is no way in hell I would be comfortable with my boyfriend going on 'dates' with his ex, because this is what he's doing. It's a totally different situation if he was genuinely friendly with her and she was still in their group or whatever, but in that case you would be included.

You know yourself, it's dodge as f*ck.

need_advice_

I am aware of when they meet up but only find out about a day before. Is this suspect?

need_advice_

I reckon they meet every six weeks or so and it could last two hours or so. From what he says it is always arranged by her.

He does talk to me after about it and would often complain about her but also admit that he had a nice time. I don't mind him enjoying himself but it seems hard to picture him enjoying it when he complains about so much other things about the evening.

It is the effort thing that is bothering me too. I don't like that he is willing to spend his time with her. In saying that he has never cancelled plans with me for her or anything.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry but I think your boyfriend is being very unfair. He is not taking your feelings into account here. Also, if they are meeting for dinner and cinema, there is no 'dislike'. He does not deserve your understanding of the situation here. Why did she make a 'catty' comment and why did he allow it and continue with their friendship?
I am sure you are a lovely girl. Do yourself a favour and have a very honest chat with him. He needs to stop playing with you and her.
There are lots of lovely guys out there who don't need their ego massaged by two women.
Have you talked to close female friends or family about it?
Good luck with this but be careful

Taltos

need_advice_ wrote: »

Do I have any right to confront him outright about it? I understand that they were together a long time and don't want to be a high maintanence young'un.

Change your way of looking at this.

You are NOT going to confront - implies attack.
Instead let him know how it is affecting YOU...

But
He dislikes her
He meets here every 6 wks for 2 hours...
He meets at her request....

Something stinks in all this.

But ... until you let him know how you feel you cannot expect a change.
Just do not go down the route of ultimatums...
Either he will realise he is affecting your relationship and figure himself he needs to stop or change his behaviour or maybe he is just enjoying being with someone he dislikes (???)...

Talk to him - you never know until you just chat.

Stinks...

need_advice_

Thanks sunflower, you're a star.

I think you are right. Although I am going to wait until their next meeting to bring up the question of going along.

Thanks again.

Taltos

sunflower27 wrote: »

Meeting once every 6 weeks doesnt 'stink' to me.

Agree talk to him and dont go on the attack (not saying you would...)

Agreed - but still not getting away from "disliking her".
It could be that he does feel obligated etc - but life is just too very very short to let others guilt you into doing things.

Agree though - until they chat nothing will change.
And that change might just be you accepting that your BF feels some obligation to meet and support his "friend".

What stinks to me is that someone would repeatedly meet up with someone they dislike. Someone I dislike I no longer consider a friend... I might meet 1ce or 2ce to see if things can be recovered - but if I find I still dislike them and end up bitching about meeting them - then I choose to remove that stress from my life... Does not make sense to me not to do so.

Taltos

sunflower27 wrote: »

I think the 'dislike' is a cop out so the OP isnt worried they are up to something!

They are not meeting up often enough for anything to be really going on and he tells the OP about it after. I'd be pretty positive nothing is going on.

I truly think it is a mixture of him feeling a bit obligated - who knows what went on in their 8 years together - and not wanting the OP to worry.

True - so talk and involve yourself in these meets.
If you do get catty comments let your bf know you will not be disrespected.
Either you or him allowing someone else to disrespect you is not on.

Get what you say SF - they may not be cheating etc. But emotionally - what is going on here.
I guess back to my first comment
1) He is lying to her
OR
2) He is lying to himself

OP - they did end though after 8 years and you are now his focus. So don't be worried about letting him know you are uncomfortable. Just talk and as above don't deliver any "you must .." or "you must not.." statements.

Just let him know how you are feeling.

la79

Hi,

I understand were you are coming from, I was in a simular situation a few years ago. My partner's ex was great friends with his family so she was always around, and just before we got together they slept together, although they had not been a couple for over a year. But it was habit for both of them so he said. Anyway at that stage I did not care to much if I stayed with him, but the more I fell for him the more it annoyed me she was always bloody around. One night when I stayed over with him in his mams she walked into the bedroom, looking for his brother, so she said, she had been out with his sister. I was disgusted, and that night I let him have it.

I had bottled up my feelings for so long and it came exploding out, I didnt even want to let him know I cared as much, and tbh it was not his fault. When he realised how much it was affecting me he moved out. But I always felt that destroyed a good part of our first year together, cause I stayed quiet.

When you break up with someone and are with someone else, you should not be seeing that other person at all...and as someone else said there is a fine line between love and hate. I use to hate when my partner spoke so nicely of his ex, and that it just did not work out, but actually in time I realised that when you no longer have feelings for someone you usually done hate/dislike or care in that way anymore if that makes sense??

Just talk to him and tell him that you are not happy of comfortable with him meeting his ex for whatever reason, and if it is just a friend thing, then yes you should go as well...why not!!!! but it is not fair in my opinion. If they both were single it would be different. But he is with you now.

By the way do they have a child together??

need_advice_

Hey la79,

Wow, how the hell did you manage to stay quiet for so long? I would have freaked out by then! I must say that hearing what you have had to say has really put it into perspective for me. You had it far far worse than I do. Thankfully, she is not close to his family and I don't have to deal with that.

They don't have a child together. If they did have a child I would have absolutely no problem with regular contact, in fact I would encourage it. Obviously it would have to be contact that involved the child and not the two of them going for dinner.

la79 wrote: »

I use to hate when my partner spoke so nicely of his ex, and that it just did not work out, but actually in time I realised that when you no longer have feelings for someone you usually done hate/dislike or care in that way anymore if that makes sense??

I find it funny that you should mention this as sometimes I feel as though he avoids saying anything nice about her and stresses her bad points. (Although, between you, me and boards.ie I cannot understand why they were together so long in the first place)

Did you ever feel as though you had to try really hard to avoid ever being in any way like his ex? I sometimes stop myself from doing certain things or saying certain things for fear I would sound like her. I know enough about her character to piece together the things that annoyed him about her.

If I was to be brutally honest I would have to admit that I am utterly petrified of our relationship becoming like theirs was. Is this normal?

sam34

la79 wrote: »

When you break up with someone and are with someone else, you should not be seeing that other person at all

i think this is a bit extreme.

some people, not all, and maybe not even many, but some certainly, can have very healthy and rewarding long-lasting friendships with their ex, long after the relationship has ended.

i know i do- one of my closest friends is the man i loved while in my early twenties. (am now 30). we are great friends. we email or text weekly, would speak by phone every 6 weeks or so and meet up twice a year.

both of us have gone on to have other relationships, although we are now both single.

while each of us was in another relationship, we were still as close and in as much contact with each other.

if a new man came into my life and questioned teh friendship i have with my ex, i would have no problem explaining it to him, and introducing him to my ex.

if he suggested/asked/demanded that i end that friendship, he would be getting his p45 fairly quick and smart. i will not cut a valued friend, someone i have known for most of my adult life, out of my life because someone else, for their own reasons, isnt comfortable with it.

la79

sam34 wrote: »

i think this is a bit extreme.

Hi, I guess you are right maybe it is a bit harsh, but when you are the other person, and your new partner and all his family are great friends with the ex, you start to feel insecure about yourself and your relationship eventually, and I really was strong, but it wore me down eventually. I think it is great that people can remain friends, I would like that for me and my partner if we broke up especially as we have a child together.

Need advise- I am glad I could help a little, and I know where you are coming from, I use to listen to my partner talk about all his ex's flaws, and I did not want to be like that, he used to say she was jealous etc, and this is probably the main reason I stayed quiet for so long.

Life is to short, I wasted so much time being insecure and quiet, just say how you are feeling, and take it from there.

best of luck.