Denial?

LegacyUser

I suppose I'm not really looking for advice, more just to jot down some thoughts.

Where to start?

I'm a college student working part time. I'm involved in a lot of extracurricular activities and volunteer for a few things. Between those I am left with little to no spare time. At the start of the year I was sure I could handle all of that. Now I'm not too sure.

A few months ago I thought everything was going great. I was happy with everything. Now with deadlines looming over me I'm starting to stress out.

A month ago my boyfriend dumped me. I was head over heels in love with him. It came as a shock to me as I had been in my little dreamworld where my life was perfect. Apparently it really, really wasn't. I broke down. My college work was ignored and I spent 2 weeks either drunk, hungover or bawling my eyes out. I was a mess. I'm not as bad anymore but I still keep slipping up. I have so much catching up to do on everything. I managed to get myself some kind of a stomach problem as well and have been in a lot of pain for 3 weeks which has been affecting my sleep really badly. I've been to a doctor and was told that it'll pass and they couldn't find anything really wrong with me. That and the crying and stressing over everything has left me drained.

I'm exhausted, lonely and just want a week off where I can switch off my brain. I can't tell this to anyone but my ex. I have serious issues with asking for help. I've tried to see a counsellor before but that didn't last long as I really struggled to open up and actually let someone see me being "weak". I have had an exhausting 4 years where I've barely had any time to myself. I really need to stop doing this to myself. It's like this year I couldn't stand the thought of actually having free time so I filled up my time with activities. The problem is that I enjoy them so I couldn't cut any of them back and my thinking is "if I don't have spare time I can't spend time thinking about what I'm missing in my life". I'm so wracked with guilt over things that I have no influence over, like my grandparents being ill and not being able to spend more time with them. I think back at my younger years and cringe at the person I was. I don't want to go back to that. I can't stand what goes on in my own head half the time. I can't stand thinking about my past. I was very unhappy for a long time and suffered from depression.

The thought of facing up to any of that again scares me.

Am I better off continuing as I am or should I try to start tackling this? I'm seriously ok with ignoring my problems and it's been working ok but my ex has advised me to work on them as he really thinks I'm not actually as ok as I think I am.

Agent J

That sounds sorta familar.

1) Not all counsellors are the same. If it you didnt click with one then try another.. and another.. if you feel the need to. Dont let a bad experience with one turn you off the idea entirely.

2) Nothing wrong with being busy.
But there is busy and then there is over busy. If you find yourself worrying about your commitments then maybe its time to start cutting back on a few of them. There is no shame in having to cut back. If you have assignments coming up then priortise on them for now and then afterwards you can pick back up ther other stuff.

3)I overload my brain with multiple things at once as well. Its a useful short term measure to get stuff done but long term it might be worth thinking about seeing a counsellor. Personal opinion only. If your ex is throwing up a flag for you it might be worth taking a note of that. Busy people are usually the last people to notice something wrong withthemselves

4)Working on something personal doesnt mean you have to nesscarily stop doing the things you enjoy either. And there is no shame in asking for help. Absoultely none.


*Please note i say the above as huge hypocrite but take from it what you will* And if you do find out how to turn ones brain off for a week.. please share with the class...

Rantan

sorry, I know you said your just want to let off steam and aren't really looking for advice, but I'm bored at work so I'll have a go anyway(hope you dont mind)
This is from my own experience so take on board at own risk!!

One word: Prioritise.

Seems to me like you need to focus on two things right now.
1. Yourself
2. College

Drop anything that:
A. isn't absolutley critical to you being healthy and happy
B. isn't going to contribute to you succesfully completing your course.

Seriously, do an excercise. List everthing you have on in your life right now. With a cold and critical eye evaluate everthing and make tough decisions as to what you really really need in your life to achieve the above two objectives.
You say you enjoy your activities and couldn;t cut any of them. I think you need to seriously re-consider this. Now is a good time for you, you are at a time of change, decisions you make now will have a long term positive effect on your life and you wont realise this for a long time. Re-embrace the important things like family and friends and dont waste any more time at this, some day it will be too late(assuming you have a normal family life of course). Take a step back and relax and you'll know what you need to do.