Can't afford a girlfriend

LegacyUser

I'm up to my eyes in debts, another recession baby. Due to a series of bad decisions, bad luck, the recession, loss of work hours, it's not important. It's debt I can work through myself, over a few years, it'll take a while, lesson learnt and all that.

Part of the problem is that for years I had no self confidence. I hated school, I was a complete failure in college, and all the years I should have spent learning about the world, learning who I was, making a future for myself, were spent hiding in corners. Just one more reason why I ended up in debt, scrabbling in too much of a hurry to make up financially for lost years.

The last two years have been more of a learning curve for me than all the rest of my forty years together. I have found most of the self confidence I lacked. I have learnt who I am, and I like being me.

The one thing I lack is a relationship. I am finding that a problem. It is very hard to be attractive to a girl when you haven't a penny to your name. I work every hour I can get, which is difficult given the recession, and the drop in availability of work. I have to work, and every penny I earn, after I feed myself in Aldi, goes to pay off interest on debts. If I don't make payments, my interest goes up, and I fall deeper.

If I had a date tomorrow night, I wouldn't even have the price of two bags of chips, certainly not a movie and popcorn, nor any kind of regular dating that involved more than sitting in the cold for free on Dun Laoghaire pier.

I haven't the time for too much in the way of social activities, and certainly not the money if there is any cost at all involved. The dating websites are full of ladies who like socialising, outings, travel, all kinds of expensive luxuries I cannot afford. Like I say, even eating out in a chippers is a luxury.

I've painted myself into a corner, and just at the time of my life when I was coming out of my shell, with the confidence to grab opportunities that come my way. I should be living now, instead of trapped like this. A relationship, someone to come home in the evening to, would give it all some purpose. At the moment, it's an empty existence.

Any comments?

LeixlipRed

Since when does a date have to cost a penny?

ash23

You'll find a lot of people in the same boat (myself included). Dating can be cheap and cheerful. Instead of suggesting a dinner date, suggest a walk along a lcal beauty spot. Bring a picnic (sambos and a thermos of hot chocolate). Be imaginative!
Sitting on the side of a mountain eating lumps of fresh baguette, washed down with a €5 bottle of plonk drank straight from the bottle. Lovely!

Agent J

If you arent enough without a relationship. You'll never be enough with one.

Also having a lack of funds isnt an excuse. What you seem to lack is an imagination. Make up for a lack of money with thought & effort.

Finally anyone who money is a primary concern probably isnt worth it. May sound like a bad cliche but its true.

Firetrap

Whatever happened to going out with someone who wants you for being you, not what you can afford. You can go out with someone without having to spend big bucks. Think of cosy nights in, long walks, going to parks and places that are free.

Eeep

One of the best dates I was ever on involved no money

So don't think just cause you are cash strapped you have nothing to offer

And I agree with Agent J - if money is her primary concern she isn't worth it

Chin up and good luck

SparkyLarks

ash23 wrote: »

You'll find a lot of people in the same boat (myself included). Dating can be cheap and cheerful. Instead of suggesting a dinner date, suggest a walk along a lcal beauty spot. Bring a picnic (sambos and a thermos of hot chocolate). Be imaginative!
Sitting on the side of a mountain eating lumps of fresh baguette, washed down with a €5 bottle of plonk drank straight from the bottle. Lovely!

Nice idea but the weather in Ireland is a bit poor for that at the moment.

LegacyUser

Many thanks for those comments... The vibe I get from most girls is that money is an issue. I don't mean that in terms that they are after my money. I mean instead, for example, when you find out their interests, it inevitably involves shopping, travel, cinema, theatre, homemaking, all things that involve money.

When you get chatting to a nice girl, which is seldom enough in my case, but I do occasionally, at what point in the conversation do you mildly drop in the fact that you haven't a red cent, that the banks and credit unions are on your back for everything you have? Of course I can go out walking with a girl, picnicking, all kinds of things, and I am good company, I don't dwell on my money problems! But it's always the elephant in the room, in my room anyway, and it doesn't make it easy to make those initial advances.

I suppose it's another confidence issue all over again, just as I had learnt to deal with all my other issues and put them behind me, I am now faced with an actual physical problem which leaves me back in square one, in my mind at least.

niceoneted

OP I hear where you are coming from on this one. Any women I know don't necessarily want a man to pay for anything but would like them to be able to pay their own way. As others have said though there are lots of cheap and free things that can be done.
On the money front if you want some advice and help there why not try out the money makeover section of www.askaboutmoney.com, they can be fierce helpful.

link here http://www.askaboutmoney.com/forumdisplay.php?f=62

ash23

SparkyLarks wrote: »

Nice idea but the weather in Ireland is a bit poor for that at the moment.

OK, the last few days have been rubbish but it's been fairly nice so far (for Ireland!)
Anyway, back up plans are good, Eat the sambos in the car while overlooking the stormy sea and listening to music and chatting.

All it takes is some imagination. I drove to salthill with my daughter last week for a picnic in the car. It was lovely.

dublingal80

Keep an eye out on the Bargain Alerts board here, sometimes they have posted free tickets to a film, one one main meal get one free for restaurants, same with pigsback.
Also, menupages... Leave comments on every single restaurant you have eaten, you will get lots of points which in turn you can use for a free main course, or free starters or a free bottle of wine in some restaurants

You dont have to pay a fortune, you just need to keep the eyes on the look out. Im ALWAYS using vouchers or coupons for free things. My friends think its hilarious and laugh at me but they appreicate it when a dinner out costs us a fiver each (if its a buy one meal get one free in wagamama)

I know you said you cant afford to be doing out, but if you are able to put aside literally a couple of quid a week, after a few weeks you will have 10 or 15 quid which can be plenty when you have a voucher

RossFixxxed

There's a certain type of girlfriend you can't afford, and they're the kind not worth having imo. Myself and my OH have had times of staying in 5* hotels, jaccuzis etc etc, to times of sitting on the pier having a sambo.... But each other's company, a good chat and a laugh are what it's all about. The luxuries are great but they are not the relationship. The ups and downs and sideways things that happen are!

Woah: Must add, that as others have said you won't find everything in your life suddenly works with a relationship.... it's not a magic key to happiness, it's just greener fields and all that.

ash23

Recessionbaby wrote: »

Many thanks for those comments... The vibe I get from most girls is that money is an issue. I don't mean that in terms that they are after my money. I mean instead, for example, when you find out their interests, it inevitably involves shopping, travel, cinema, theatre, homemaking, all things that involve money.

When you get chatting to a nice girl, which is seldom enough in my case, but I do occasionally, at what point in the conversation do you mildly drop in the fact that you haven't a red cent, that the banks and credit unions are on your back for everything you have? Of course I can go out walking with a girl, picnicking, all kinds of things, and I am good company, I don't dwell on my money problems! But it's always the elephant in the room, in my room anyway, and it doesn't make it easy to make those initial advances.

I suppose it's another confidence issue all over again, just as I had learnt to deal with all my other issues and put them behind me, I am now faced with an actual physical problem which leaves me back in square one, in my mind at least.

If someone asked me to list all the things I love doing it would read pretty much as above. I love cinema, travel, shopping etc. But just because I love doing those things, doesn't mean I can afford to do them! I used to go to the cinema at least once a week, buy dvds etc. I don't anymore, haven't been to the cinema in months. I find it's best to be upfront about it. If a guy asks me out and asks what I want to do, I usually reply with I don't mind so long as its a low budget and make it lighthearted without going on about the recession or how broke I am or how hard things are,.
Most guys don't have a problem with it, they don't assume I'm a money grabber. Mainly because they usually then offer to pay and I say no :)If a girl turns you down because after the first date you tell her you're on a tight budget then she's not the one for you! Don't harp on about money but broach the subject fairly early on. Thats what I'd do anyway.

RossFixxxed

You can be honest with her, but if you make a big fuss over it all the time it will artifically inflate the importance of money.

I know someone who would sit down and order ONE of your CHEAPEST pizzas and tap water. That's not good. But to say beforehand that money is tight and you only have xx to spend, but lets go have fun is way better. Your enthusiasm to spend time together is WAY more important than a fancy dinner, or shopping for crap you both don't need imo.

mood

niceoneted wrote: »

OP I hear where you are coming from on this one. Any women I know don't necessarily want a man to pay for anything but would like them to be able to pay their own way. As others have said though there are lots of cheap and free things that can be done.
On the money front if you want some advice and help there why not try out the money makeover section of www.askaboutmoney.com, they can be fierce helpful.

link here http://www.askaboutmoney.com/forumdisplay.php?f=62

Maybe mabs could give you come advice regarding you loans.

www.mabs.ie

RossFixxxed

I re read your post, pinning your happiness on a relationship is going to be a disaster tbh. Anything that is a quick fix is a no no in these regards.

sunnyside

LeixlipRed wrote: »

Since when does a date have to cost a penny?

That's not very realistic. Almost everything costs money. Meeting someone for coffee could cost €7 upwards if you were to buy both coffees.

ash23 wrote: »

Be imaginative!
Sitting on the side of a mountain eating lumps of fresh baguette, washed down with a €5 bottle of plonk drank straight from the bottle. Lovely!

But he says he can't afford chips from the chipper. I'd say even cheap wine is in the same can't afford category.

dublingal80 wrote: »

Keep an eye out on the Bargain Alerts board here, sometimes they have posted free tickets to a film, one one main meal get one free for restaurants, same with pigsback.
Also, menupages... Leave comments on every single restaurant you have eaten, you will get lots of points which in turn you can use for a free main course, or free starters or a free bottle of wine in some restaurants

You dont have to pay a fortune, you just need to keep the eyes on the look out. Im ALWAYS using vouchers or coupons for free things. My friends think its hilarious and laugh at me but they appreicate it when a dinner out costs us a fiver each (if its a buy one meal get one free in wagamama)

I know you said you cant afford to be doing out, but if you are able to put aside literally a couple of quid a week, after a few weeks you will have 10 or 15 quid which can be plenty when you have a voucher

Excellent tips but again more expensive than he can afford. He says chips from a chipper are a luxury.

So here's my slightly different advice. OP needs to re-structure his loans because it's not realistic to be living the way he is. I completely understand about money problems but honestly it would be better to pay a bit more interest over a longer period of time and have €20 a week to spend on yourself, a potential girlfriend or social events for your sanity as much as anything else. Then you can do all the things suggested by Dublingal. Her suggestions are excellent but they do require some money.

If I wanted to meet someone for coffee and they couldn't afford it I'd be happy to pay so I don't think the money thing is a massive issue.

mood

Your problem here is your debts. Hopefully mabs (Money Advice and Budgeting Service) will help you. I agree that paying it off over a longer period of time (even thought this means you will pay more in interest) and have a little money to socialize would be good. Even if love is free contraception isn't!

Also if your hours at work have been cut maybe you could find some part time job. Or for example if you are on a 3 day week you can claim social welfare for the other 2 days.

Darthhoob

i think the most expensive date me and OH have ever had is a movie and a meal afterwards......

you dont need to be rich to find love. if they are that bothered about you not being able to afford certain things they aint worth the pennies in your pocket

Shin Bet

op Im going to come from this at a different angle.

You say you cant afford a gf but what I think you mean is you cant afford to treat a gf the way you would like to. I think you need to restructre you ideas of a relationship aswell as your debts but Im not going to give you money advice I should be taking that from the replys

any girl that wants you to pay for everything is a leech, when you meet a girl you will soon realise were all in this together all have rent/mortgage to pay and were all broke just at various levels of insolvency.

I had a great chat with a girl a couple of weeks ago about how broke we were it was kind of like lethal weapon comparing injuries.

Im on another date with her tonight dvd in her place and two 4 euro bottles of wine from lidl and a 2 euro dunnes pizza. Im really looking forward to it

Eve_Dublin

ash23 wrote: »

OK, the last few days have been rubbish but it's been fairly nice so far (for Ireland!)
Anyway, back up plans are good, Eat the sambos in the car while overlooking the stormy sea and listening to music and chatting.

All it takes is some imagination. I drove to salthill with my daughter last week for a picnic in the car. It was lovely.

That´s very, very romantic Ash. Nice ideas.

I actually hate going to the cinema as a date and even the theatre. I´m a fan of both but I usually look forward to just sitting down somewhere and chatting, flirting, kissing and canoodling. Dinner in restaurants are usually more fun and relaxed in the the cheapy places (even a chipper) where you´re not surrounded by stuffy customers, over-attentive waiting staff and where you´re not rushed on to fit in the 9pm booking.

OP all of my exes have been broke...but one thing they all had was imagination. Most romantic dates I can think of:

Sitting in their backgarden or my backgarden with t-lights, a bottle of cheap wine and some bread and cheese.

A hike up to Glendalough and a big, long kiss in the rain.

Camping with a big bonfire and cuddling up in a tent after. One great thing about Ireland is that you´re never far from a field.

Dinner made at home out of ingredients from Aldi. Learn to cook...a man that can whip something out of nothing is a keeper.

I know people will have you believe that women are only after rich men....but that´s rubbish. Yes there´s loads of gold-digging princesses out there....but they´re the minority and do you really want to date one of those anyway? That´s the truth of it.

beggars_bush

try any of the museums in town

cheaster beatty, national museaum, nat history museum

art galleries.

go for walk in the park. people watch.

sunnyside

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

That´s very, very romantic Ash. Nice ideas.

I actually hate going to the cinema as a date and even the theatre. I´m a fan of both but I usually look forward to just sitting down somewhere and chatting, flirting, kissing and canoodling. Dinner in restaurants are usually more fun and relaxed in the the cheapy places (even a chipper) where you´re not surrounded by stuffy customers, over-attentive waiting staff and where you´re not rushed on to fit in the 9pm booking.

OP all of my exes have been broke...but one thing they all had was imagination. Most romantic dates I can think of:

Sitting in their backgarden or my backgarden with t-lights, a bottle of cheap wine and some bread and cheese.

A hike up to Glendalough and a big, long kiss in the rain.

Camping with a big bonfire and cuddling up in a tent after. One great thing about Ireland is that you´re never far from a field.

Dinner made at home out of ingredients from Aldi. Learn to cook...a man that can whip something out of nothing is a keeper.

.

All lovely ideas but probably not until the person has become your girlfriend. I wouldn't want to be alone in a tent half way's up a mountain with someone I barely knew! It's difficult to avoid expense with first dates.

SparkleShoes!

why do you have to go out for a date?
why cant you just sit in and have a bottle of wine and a pizza, get cosy on the couch and watch a dvd???
your putting too much pressure on your self, you shouldn't and dont have to splash a load of cash on a date, it is far nicer to just spend time with someone who is nice and caring and will listen to you and you can have a laugh with.