Advice or opinions please

miec

I am engaged and living with my partner for about fifteen months, he often calls me 'pal' or 'friend' and when I first heard it I felt disturbed by it, I have often asked him not to call me that or I would tease him and say I am your lover not your friend. Yesterday he called me pal again and I asked him politely not to call me pal as I don't like it. He became very angry and we ended up having a huge row. He has a lower drive than me but I accept this now although I did struggle for some time and sometimes I still struggle but he cannot help it and there are other aspects to him that I love very much so I keep my frustrations to myself but I feel that when he calls me pal or friend it is a way of distancing himself from me and the fact that I find it downright weird as you don't normally have romantic relationships with a friend. Any thoughts on this would be helpful as he sees me as overreacting and analysing things. I feel it is a way of keep intimacy at bay.

Barracudaincork

In what context is he calling you pal or friend, when he introduces you to someone he says this is my friend or when he is at home and he just says "thanks you are a pal", after you made him a cup of coffee?

Also when you say lower drive than you, are you talking sexually or drive for life?

I think i find you post lacking some info and therefore its hard to comment.

cosmic

Does he call other people 'pal' or 'friend' or just you?

They could be just little pet names, in which case it's actually quite sweet! My OH and I have the most random little pet names for each other that don't have any romantic or sexual connotations but they're personal and special. Maybe these are just his little pet names for you and his way of showing you he loves you! That might explain why he got so upset when you asked him to stop calling you 'pal'.

LegacyUser

miec wrote: »

He has a lower drive than me but I accept this now although I did struggle for some time and sometimes I still struggle

This is the problem and it is effecting your relationship with him and how you interpret his behavior.

miec wrote: »

I feel that when he calls me pal or friend it is a way of distancing himself from me

I feel it is a way of keep intimacy at bay.

RossFixxxed

Jaypers, I call my OH some of the stupidest pet names in the world. And my mates. And my cat... I dunno, I like it personally. But it seems like there is something deeper underlying this too. First off you asked him to stop... and nothing. And the lower drive issue seems to be the main one... That should be discussed, your reading of it COULD be way off, or he could be doing this... It depends on the both of you

Bonito

Why not just ask him why he's calling you it rather than getting vexed about it.

You say you're engaged, this doesn't just make you fiancée to each other, you're going to hopefully be spending many many years together and your future husband/wife should be your friend aswell as your partner.

Just talk,if he says no just smile and say but that's what pal's do,they talk and tell each other everything,then give hima hug. You never know the problem could be sorted easier than you think

Babooshka

miec wrote: »

I find it downright weird as you don't normally have romantic relationships with a friend. Any thoughts on this would be helpful as he sees me as overreacting and analysing things. I feel it is a way of keep intimacy at bay.

...Don't you have romantic relationships with a friend though? Have you never had both? I know what you're saying a bit about the friend thing, as when I first started seeing my current partner he was less than forthcoming with terms of endearment and nearly used to choke on the word "girlfriend" if he had to say it, and did call or introduce me as his "friend" for the first couple of months of our relationship. It was difficult for him for reasons I won't go into which I found out about later. And yes he was using it to distance himself from me so I understand where you're coming from. He got through it, and it changed.

Is it only a recent thing or has he always been that way? I ask because you say you're engaged so I'm wondering has this been a long term issue or has he only developed it recently. Also, how is he when he says it? It's more in the tone than what is said so if I was you I'd try using your intuition a bit and see what your own feelings about what he's saying and how he's saying it when it gets said, are informing you. Trust yourself.
did he go ballistic at you when you said it? How did you say it? Were you accusatory in your tone or did you explain how it makes you feel? Does he have problems communicating about how he feels, and if so, do you want to spend your life feeling like you're banging your head off a brick wall if communication is important to you and isn't so important to him?

No one here can tell you here why he's calling you Pal or friend, they can only guess. You have all the answers you need in front of you and in your own heart. And you can always sit him down and ask him, if it's important to you but seems silly to him, tell him why its important to you, if he loves you, he'll care how it makes you feel. Tell him how upset you are that you had a row about it but you feel he is avoiding intimacy with you by saying things that you think he is using to downgrade how close the two of you are.

miec

Thank you for the replies so far. I realise I didn't elaborate, I have asked him (in a very nice tone) why does he call me friend and he didn't really say why, he just said I am his friend and lover. He doesn't use it in front of others just alone. I don't mind the other pet names he has for me just friend and pal, I have said that it makes me feel uncomfortable when he calls me friend or pal and I have asked him not to use those terms of endearment on many occasions. The tone is more chummy than romantic. Yesterday I said 'would you mind not calling me pal as I don't like it' then he got verbally aggressive. He does mean it as a term of endearment but I don't like it. I was just interested in other people's opinions, did they mind being called friend or pal.

Babooshka thank you for your insightful post, it helped and I realise tha I need to rely on my judgement on this. Thanks again everyone.

SarahSassy

miec wrote: »

he got verbally aggressive.

Never mind him calling you friend or pal - this is your biggest problem here.

Monkey61

I think you are overreacting over the "friend" and "pal" thing and being a bit uptight. They are presumably just words he uses normally. In the course of everyday life I call my girlfriend "mate", "dude", "man" all the time, as they are words I use for everyone indiscriminately and are as affectionate or not as the situation demands. If she (or anyone) makes me a cup of tea, a response of "thanks dude" or "cheers mate" would be totally normal and she does the same to me.

iguana

miec wrote: »

I find it downright weird as you don't normally have romantic relationships with a friend.

Well actually you do. If your partner isn't also your friend your relationship hasn't got a hope. My husband is my best friend and I often tell him so. It doesn't mean I don't love him or feel attracted to him or want to avoid intimacy. It just means that sometimes something happens between us that makes me appreciate the friendship aspect of our relationship.

Babooshka

miec wrote: »

Babooshka thank you for your insightful post, it helped and I realise tha I need to rely on my judgement on this. Thanks again everyone.

No worries. I know what you mean when you say you think he's avoiding intimacy. But, it might not be that either though. Personally, I am way too sensitive to others feelings and comments and sometimes take them up wrong because I over analyse things...I'm working on that Good luck, I hope it works out fine.

laura l

i wouldn't appreciate my other half calling me "friend" or "pal" either.
i'd find it a bit strange as a pet name. Perhaps you could pick up on another pet name for you that he's used before and tell him you prefer that one?

RossFixxxed

Also no guy is gonna be romantic 1000% of the time and speak in poetry to ya! But the fact he got aggressive is the problem I think.

You'd want to see the names I call my OH at times, affectionately, they'd be horribly offensive to anyone else, but we both giggle about it, or she just does the *ssiiiighhhh* very well

Your lack of communication and his not taking your feelings into account is the issue not the word pal.

miec

Also when you say lower drive than you, are you talking sexually or drive for life?

Both actually, I wasn't sure whether I should answer this question. The thing is I overreacted to the name, or term of enderment. I have a huge capacity for life, my partner is the opposite. He plays it safe. I will try something or give it a go, he won't. I am sociable, he is shy and as a result we don't go out. He has no friends, I have a few and find it easy to make new friends. I am making a life for myself in a new place and will build up friends soon enough but I sometimes wish that we as a couple went out.

As for sex drive, again mine is higher, he cannot help that he has a low drive. I try very hard to accomodate that, it is beyond his control. When it is good between us it is wonderful, really so. I really like and love my partner but it is very hard work and there is a lot to compromise with and I wonder do I comprise too much. None of you can answer that, only me, but the calling of pal, etc well that was miniscual in comparision to our other issues really but thanks for the insights.

SarahSassy

Is he maybe jealous of you and trying to make you feel small or insignificant by calling you 'pal' when he knows it upsets you?

miec

I don't know, I'd like to think no, he isn't.