His ex, our 1.5 year relationship. Me jealous?

LegacyUser

Hi there,

My other half can not beak ties with his ex. He has gone for weeks at a time without calling or texting her, but now this is too much. We've worked together in a hotel (both in management) since we both got our jobs on the same day, we met at the interview and it was a new establishment, and were both hired. I waited for him after he did his interview, we went for a drink toghetehr and got consecutive phone calls that day to say we were hired. It seemed like complete luck that we'd fall in love. We've talked of marriage, kids, house etc...down the line...

His ex popped on the scene within 4 months, when she came in to the workplace to drop something to him in a bag. I asked him who she was, that's how it began. They meet up behind my back, i find out through his mobile phone where they've been, but he hides all details from me. He leaves work early on occasion to see her. Insists she's just his friend now.

She'll be in our village again this weekend, her parents are visiting from abroad and she's going to be staying in the hotel with them upon his invitation. He's instructed that he wants them to be taken care of, drinks, food etc.. for the duration of their stay. I'm the only one who can approve this, and I have to. It's crushing me. I will have to witness this and sign off on bills. He will be there, she will be there. They'll be laughing and joking about old times.

This is not fair.

I will look like a fool.

Should I just get over my insecurities?

Bottle_of_Smoke

jealouscow wrote: »

Hi there,

My other half can not beak ties with his ex. He has gone for weeks at a time without calling or texting her, but now this is too much. We've worked together in a hotel (both in management) since we both got our jobs on the same day, we met at the interview and it was a new establishment, and were both hired. I waited for him after he did his interview, we went for a drink toghetehr and got consecutive phone calls that day to say we were hired. It seemed like complete luck that we'd fall in love. We've talked of marriage, kids, house etc...down the line...

His ex popped on the scene within 4 months, when she came in to the workplace to drop something to him in a bag. I asked him who she was, that's how it began. They meet up behind my back, i find out through his mobile phone where they've been, but he hides all details from me. He leaves work early on occasion to see her. Insists she's just his friend now.

She'll be in our village again this weekend, her parents are visiting from abroad and she's going to be staying in the hotel with them upon his invitation. He's instructed that he wants them to be taken care of, drinks, food etc.. for the duration of their stay. I'm the only one who can approve this, and I have to. It's crushing me. I will have to witness this and sign off on bills. He will be there, she will be there. They'll be laughing and joking about old times.

This is not fair.

I will look like a fool.

Should I just get over my insecurities?

Ouch, tough situation.

Bit of a cheek getting everything paid for by the employer. If he's that fond of them one would think he'd just pay their bill.

Are you allowed to approve this or will your superior just not find out about it?

OVerall though, shes not going to go away, they're mates. If you try and get in between that you'll look petty and unattractive

Sanjuro

To be honest, yes. Has he ever cheated on you? With her? Has he given you any reason to be jealous, or is this based on your own insecurities?

Some people are friends with their exes. Not all relationships end in disaster. I am good friends with one of my exes after years of us breaking up. Another ex had huge problems with it and never gave me a break over complaining that she didn't like the other girl and didn't trust her, despite me telling her time and time again that we were just friends. What we had before that didn't work out and we broke up. Otherwise we'd still be together. It ended up costing myself and the second girl our relationship. The first girl and I, however, are still friends.

Unless this guy has given you a reason to doubt him, don't. It'll make you miserable, and end up killing the relationship. Talk to the ex. It'll actually help you a great deal.

LegacyUser

Her family is known to our superiors unfortunately.

I am being jealous and petty. He says he has no feelings for her. Yet going behind my back to meet up with her all this time is just screaming at me .

They're flirtatious. It's as if the only thing wedged between them is me.

I don't think I am wrong. This is hard to deal with. I don't have any coping strategies, I can only feel myself burning up with resentment

nesbitt

On the surface this situation could be okay BUT he meets up with her and hides it from you and you find out through his mobile (I presume you mean checking his calls/texts).

OP this is a toxic situation.

He may or may not be cheating with her but that fact that it is not out in the open would be very hard for most folks in a relationship. Have you had an open and frank discussion about this situation.

Ask yourself if the roles were reversed would your guy tolerate you seeing an ex in this manner behind his back and looking after his family etc.

I had a seemingly great guy with an ex on the scene and he loved trying to make me jealous about it... I was not jealous or threatened by her just pretty fcuked off at his audacity and ego trip. So I ended it. No one needs this, making it work with someone can have enough ups and downs.

IMHO I would not be into this situation at all and run for the hills.

LegacyUser

Talk to her?

I have no idea what to say.... I'll be pleasant to them as it's how I am with all who are there... I just don't know how I'm going to cope with this. I'd cope better not knowing they were going to be there. It's more the fact that they will be going out that night together and I am not invited. Him and her family. Does that not just seem completely warped? They were only together 6 months. She left him to go working on a J1 with her friends. He was gutted. He told me this when we first started out.

nesbitt

jealouscow wrote: »

Talk to her?

I have no idea what to say.... I'll be pleasant to them as it's how I am with all who are there... I just don't know how I'm going to cope with this. I'd cope better not knowing they were going to be there. It's more the fact that they will be going out that night together and I am not invited. Him and her family. Does that not just seem completely warped? They were only together 6 months. She left him to go working on a J1 with her friends. He was gutted. He told me this when we first started out.

Talk to HIM OP, tell him how you feel. IMHO this is warped....

Kimia

Why are you putting up with this nonsense? I'm so sorry but it sounds completely ridiculous. He is meeting up with her behind your back, he is hiding things from you, you aren't invited out with her and him - it's complete and utter b*llox!

Have you said that any of this bothers you? What was his reaction?

LegacyUser

Yes, agreed on the warped aspect.. I did talk to him, he said i was being childish. He also says that she and he get along so well. I was two seconds away from telling him to get a life with her if the one with me was no longer suitable for him. But I didn't because, that'd be me throwing everything away on a whim.

I just don't know where to go from here.

I don't know anyone who has had to put up with this kind of thing before. There's nothing in google, and there's nothing anywhere that can point me in the right direction for how I should act, how I should feel.

How I honestly feel is that I want her to not be there with her flirtatious text messages going on like she knows him better than I do, I want him to not be looking after her family and criticising mine (another story) and I want him to be exclusively my boyfriend.
But then that's too much to ask of a man in this type of situation.

Kimia

You're not throwing away anything on a whim, he's throwing away everything because of his ex!

Seriously you really really need to stop this nonsense. It's not often this clearcut. Get rid!!!

opinion guy

His ex, our 1.5 year relationship. Me jealous?

mmmm. Yoda, you are. yes?

jealouscow wrote: »

I am being jealous and petty. He says he has no feelings for her. Yet going behind my back to meet up with her all this time is just screaming at me .

They're flirtatious. It's as if the only thing wedged between them is me.

I don't think you are being jealous and petty. I think he's treating you badly. It doens't seem as thou he's taking your feelings seriously.

jealouscow wrote: »

Talk to her?

NOOOOOOooooooooo. Don't give her the idea that you see her as a threat - it might only encourage her. Talk to him. Lay down the law. To be honest I woulnd't have a problem with him meeting the friend - but the doing it behind your back thing I find problematic. You need to let him know thats not on.

nesbitt

Having read over these posts, I think anyone reading this would feel, jealous, upset, left out etc.

You are not a robot, you are entitled to your feelings, you are not being childish (he is and selfish). He is taking the pixx out of you royally.

Lollipops23

Sorry OP there's a multitude of reasons you should get out.

1 He is sneaking around behind your back

2 He is not considerate of your feelings, not even prepared to meet you in the middle or see your point of view

3 He is deliberatly ignoring you and your feelings about the situation

4 It's unlikely to ever change; he's not going to cut her out.

I don't say this lightly,but get out now.

LegacyUser

Thanks for that.

Yeah the thing is I have told him time and time again I disapprove. His most recent answer was " Do I have to contact you every time i ring someone? What about my best friend? Can I contact him?" He seems overly defensive. He told me to get away from him when I was discussing this, that I was saying really horrible things when I said "When you are returning the flirtatious behaviour then you are condoning it, and that makes me look like a fool for being your partner." He said they are friends, she makes him laugh a lot, her dad's an interesting guy etc etc.. He said after we had this conversation am I trying to break up with him, because I was saying "such awful things about him he couldn't think of any other reason for why I would be saying this kind of thing"

He knows it's not on, yet still does it. He knows it hurts me, yet does it becaue he says he thinks it's funny how it drives me so mad all the time. He loves seeing my reaction he said because he thinks it's something we can laugh about. When I get frustrated and cry he gets a good laugh out of it because he thinks I'm stupid for being so sensitive about it. He claims it is not an issue....

Silverfish

jealouscow wrote: »

He knows it's not on, yet still does it. He knows it hurts me, yet does it becaue he says he thinks it's funny how it drives me so mad all the time. He loves seeing my reaction he said because he thinks it's something we can laugh about. When I get frustrated and cry he gets a good laugh out of it because he thinks I'm stupid for being so sensitive about it. He claims it is not an issue....

Forget her for a minute - what about this? Is this what you would choose for yourself in a partner? Someone who hurts you, then laughs at you? Really?

SarahSassy

jealouscow wrote: »

. When I get frustrated and cry he gets a good laugh out of it because he thinks I'm stupid for being so sensitive about it. He claims it is not an issue....

WHAT?????????????????:eek:

Come on - you know this is not normal.. He is TBH playing you for a fool. He is doing exactly what he wants, with whomever he wants (aka ex gf) without any consideration for your feelings and then he laughs when you are upset. This guy is a monster in agood suit...

username123

OP - I dont want to sound harsh - but have some self respect. He hurts your feelings, then LAUGHS about it!!!!!

No, no, no, no, no. There are some things in a relationship that are sacrosanct, and taking your feelings into consideration is one of those things.

I know people can be friendly with ex's and Im sure that if it was all out in the open and just the odd 'how are you keeping' type call/text you wouldnt mind. But the way its being approached is totally inappropriate. He is maintaining a relationship with his ex, behind your back, knowing it upsets you, laughing at your upset, forcing you to be nice to her and her family.

If I were you Id just quietly break up with him, I wouldnt even bother getting into all of the stuff about the ex because he clearly has no empathy or respect for you on that front anyway. Just tell him that you deserve better treatment than he is willing to give and be on your way.

dsmythy

Outside of all the other issues to play devil's advocate...

He could feel forced to meet his ex behind your back. Especially when everytime he tells you he saw her you make an issue out of it despite various times him saying it's only as a friend.

nesbitt

dsmythy wrote: »

Outside of all the other issues to play devil's advocate...

He could feel forced to meet his ex behind your back. Especially when everytime he tells you he saw her you make an issue out of it despite various times him saying it's only as a friend.

Hmmn, of course he may feel forced to be secretive as this behaviour is IMHO wrong in a normal healthy relationship. I don't think that it is only as a friend that he is meeting up with the ex, if it was they would have no issue including the OP to go along and indeed the ex GF would bring along her BF if she has any;)

mollmo

I would be exceptionally good friends with an ex (we were together for 3+ years, broken up for nearly 3 years) and have been with my new guy for the past year. I don't always tell my OH about talking with/meeting up with my ex, just as I don't always share similar interactions with other friends. Thankfully my OH and I are rock solid and I adore him (and vice versa ), so if he ever implied or told me that he was uncomfortable or unsure I would be mortified that I put him in that position. Even knowing that my friendship with my ex is just that, my OH's comfort and piece of mind is worth more to me to be honest.

For what it's worth I think your guy should be more considerate of your feelings. Given your original and follow-on posts I would certainly be reconsidering my relationship if I were you.

LegacyUser

thank you for that.

I might add, i don't recall if i put it in. They were briefly together for 6 months. It is nothing in comparison to what we have of one and a half years and a life together, bills in our name, trips abroad together, mutual friends, everything....

She and he had a brief relationship. It didn't last because she was not staying anyway. His best friend told me there was something that used to really bother him about her when they were together in the first place, partially her drinking and being with other men on nights out/ staying in their houses etc.

He said he thinks all this is in my head.

SarahSassy

jealouscow wrote: »

He said he thinks all this is in my head.

It doesnt matter how long they were together, it doesnt matter why they broke up all that matters is that he laughs when you cry and he is telling you your upset about his secrecy is all in your head.. Come on. TBH I dont think you are going to do anything about this. You know what you should do but you dont sound ready.

There is nothing stopping him bringing you out for the night out with her family - nothing.

XarcherX

it sounds like he's being totally insensitive and probably getting enjoyment out of making you jealous... it's his ego boost or whatever but it's definately not normal!
OP if he sees that you put up with it, he'll presume it can carry on... If i were you i'd put the foot down or walk cos it's only wrecking your head

Shin Bet

op
I used to have an ex like that, she would go off and meet them behind my back she would leave me alone in a club for an hour while she went off to talk to them she would be on the phone at all times during the day and night. like you I got the youre being supid and the defensive **** truth is usually when the defensive starts its because he has something to hide.
now Im not saying in your case its the same but my ex did sleep around on me. maybe theres something going on like he has a crush on her now all the old memories have come flooding back. or there having an emotional affair which is just as bad imo.
the last time my ex cheated on me it was with her work college she got the boot not long after.
today over a year later Im happier than ever because I dont have someone who plays mind games or treats me like a piece of dirt under a shoe.
you should prepare for a break up because it will happen I just hope its you who dumps him befre you find out hes back with her.
good luck
Shabak

martdalto

He dost protest too much!

The whole "should I ask your permission to phone my best mate" is a real example, of attack is the best form of defense.

Winding you up about her, and then laughing at you when you're upset about it... the man sounds like a pig, and I really don't know why you think you should have to put up with this sort of treatment!

You wouldn't put up with someone else treating you like that, so why put up with it from him? Is he really "all that"?

Flirting with her, is making you look like a fool. She will be having a right laugh at you when they are in the hotel, thinking to herself.. I could have her boyfriend anytime I want.

If he's not prepared to see how this upsets you and, maybe not cut her out completely, but at least cut out the "inapppropriate" behaviour of someone in a relationship... sneaking out to meet her, flirting via texts etc, then I think you'd have to consider are you happy and prepared to spend the rest of your life living like this and being treated like this by someone who comes across as very childish.

He's not over her. The relationship ended because she went away, and not because they "broke up" over something else. It didn't come to a natural end, so in my opinion, it's not ended, and there's some unfinished business between them (maybe?)

laura l

it seems like he is putting time and effort into his current relationship with her and by trying to impress her and her family. Perhaps she'll see what a great guy he is and want to rekindle her past relationship with him?. he isn't exactly going to the same lengths to keep the relationship healthy between the both of you, is he? you're not being included either - big red flag.
i think you should definitely step back from this situation and not continue the relationship, i don't see what's in it for you.

Wibbs

martdalto wrote: »

He's not over her. The relationship ended because she went away, and not because they "broke up" over something else. It didn't come to a natural end, so in my opinion, it's not ended, and there's some unfinished business between them (maybe?)

That would be a lot of my take too TBH. Now it doesnt always mean that he wants her back. It could mean that she provides something you don't and vice versa of course otherwise he wouldnt be going with you. Clearly you provide more as he is going with you. It could be a simple ego boost too. Or it could be something else on an emotional level.

Being friendly with exes is fine for some. Some can do it, but not to the detriment of the current relationship. If someone needs an ex in their emotional landscape, some connection that they find hard to drop, it would suggest to me that something is missing in their minds from the current relationship. Whatever that something is or how important that is is for the individuals to figure out, but it's not healthy IMHO to be making up a "perfect" couple with three people involved. That's the only issue I have with the ex as mates dynamic.

LegacyUser

Thank you for all the replies this far, i've been following the thread.

To update you, the whole ordeal kicks off on Friday and I've already done something to spike him up and make him leave the house angry. I made remarks about a course that his ex is doing , because a friend of mine had said it was very easy, I said "When I was in college I should have gone and done X because it's piss easy and infallible instead of what I actually did " .......she (his ex) on the other hand failed the year and ended up repeating, which I found out through a friend of his when asking about why he would fly off the handle about something so trivial. So two plus two makes truth.

He's still been talking to her through text, is trying to get me to take the weekend off now (it's my mother's birthday on Sunday ...) So now the pieces are coming together

I am thinking of how one person said here that maybe he's getting from her something that he's not getting from me , and the more i think of it the more it is probable.

It's driving me insane thinking of it....

SarahSassy

I dont understand the implication of you taking the weekend off? do you think he is trying to get rid of you?

LegacyUser

I don't know what he's up to. He behaves so normal it's making me suspicious even more. He's maintaining his calm and cool and it's making me wonder if this is all in my head now.

Storming off out of the house under a pretense that I'm showing an awful side of myself etc..

I don't know.


I'm starting to fall apart I can't cope with this pressure. I've begun doing things with my appearance so I'll stay attractive to him, somewhat appealing but i'm beating myself up all the time, nothing is working, he's still going to maintain this with her, she'll still be around and they'll stay flirtatious, and I don't know whether with drink on him this weekend he'll take it any further or not, it's all on my mind and I can't say anything anything at all.

dublingal80

yeah i dont get that either but i cant believe your oh is so insensitive to you about it all. is he really worth it?
If he hasnt stopped contacting her after being with you a year and a half... how will things be in another year and a half time!