long distance relationships and serious talks by phone

LegacyUser

This long distance thing is doing my head in. It's hard to know when and how to talk about certain things, usually it's just chatting about day-to-day stuff, but I know it's too easy to accidentally fight when talking by phone because you can't see the person and it's so hard to sense their emotions. When important 'relationship stuff' needs to be talked about, I'm not sure if it's better to do it over the phone or to wait until we see each other again. Skype isn't an option. But we need to talk about some stuff.

symbolwoman

It is really hard when you are doing the LDR to clear things up. If there are long periods of time between seeing each other then i would certainly say that you need to use the phone. Bottling everything up and dumping on one another everytime you meet up is not a way forward. You both have to work really hard to be tolerant and understanding that loosing the head on the phone can get out of control. More patience is required to make this work

niallon

I'm currently into my second month of a long distance relationship that will potentially carry on until May of next year. Whilst nothing serious that needs discussing has really come about just yet, my own personal look on it is keep the conversation whilst apart as light as possible. You need to be cheering each other up as much as possible, whether you realise it or not you both miss each other equally but should be showing that you can cut it. The main thing I try myself is to avoid as much as possible discussing the LDR scenario itself, act as if the two of you are only half an hour from each other but are just talking over the phone.

Definitely try save any more serious conversation until you are together, and make sure it is a good period of time you're together, don't find yourself going back to long distance after an argument or heated conversation only the day before!

Supercell

God, LDR!!, I'm writing this from Guangzhou in southern China (boards was blocked last visit but i digress) visiting my g/f, doesnt get much more LDR than what we have.

If skype isnt an option (why not? - I talk to her from Annamoe in the Wicklow mountains..where are you?)) then use the 24 hour rule - if you are not sure about something or really emotional about something ..then dont reply for 24 hours and see if you feel the same way as you did in hour 1.

Its a LDR, its easy for silly stuff to be over analysed as you are emotionally starved compared to the touchy feely couple that hears sees and touches eachother everyday.

If you want to talk about "important relationship stuff" in a LDR, then personally I wouldnt do it over the phone. its ad hoc, you can't see her/his face as you talk. Write it down, phrase it right, get the feelings from your heart across rather than wing it on the phone live without visual feedback.

Best of luck!!

TomBeckett

Supercell wrote: »

God, LDR!!, I'm writing this from Guangzhou in southern China (boards was blocked last visit but i digress) visiting my g/f, doesnt get much more LDR than what we have.

If skype isnt an option (why not? - I talk to her from Annamoe in the Wicklow mountains..where are you?)) then use the 24 hour rule - if you are not sure about something or really emotional about something ..then dont reply for 24 hours and see if you feel the same way as you did in hour 1.

Its a LDR, its easy for silly stuff to be over analysed as you are emotionally starved compared to the touchy feely couple that hears sees and touches eachother everyday.

If you want to talk about "important relationship stuff" in a LDR, then personally I wouldnt do it over the phone. its ad hoc, you can't see her/his face as you talk. Write it down, phrase it right, get the feelings from your heart across rather than wing it on the phone live without visual feedback.

Best of luck!!

Hello All Yes the LDR thing is very hard.. My gf is from Thailand she has been over here with me for the past month and only went back to bkk yesterday leaving her in dublin airport was just hell..!! aldough im going out there for xmas so its only 5 weeks its not so bad.. we text eashother every day as the phone is not an option because of the cost mabye once a week its ok but msn messinger is very good you can see eachother and talk to each other and its free....:D

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I am in a LDR for the last 2 years and yes it is ver very hard. I think it is good to talk about important things over the phone/Skype/msn as otherwise we would just have a go at each other when we meet cause we would bottle everything up. And even over the phone you can sense how your other half react or feels. Just make sure that you never hang up while your both angry at each other and if you do hang up whilst your angry ring your bf/gf back a few minutes later so he/she knows that you still love her and all.

LegacyUser

talking to your OH can be difficult at the best of times! i'm not in a LDR but it's virtually impossible to muster the courage to talk about things that bother me so can only imagine how difficult it is over the phone.

What are the issues you want to talk to your bf/gf about? If you think you want to break up well then it's going to be very tricky because over the phone is just not very nice and if you have to go all the way over to see her/him then that's horrible as well

hopefully you can sort it out.

niallon

inLDRtoo wrote: »

Hi OP,

I am in a LDR for the last 2 years and yes it is ver very hard. I think it is good to talk about important things over the phone/Skype/msn as otherwise we would just have a go at each other when we meet cause we would bottle everything up. And even over the phone you can sense how your other half react or feels. Just make sure that you never hang up while your both angry at each other and if you do hang up whilst your angry ring your bf/gf back a few minutes later so he/she knows that you still love her and all.

inLDRtoo has a good point for you OP, how long is the LDR set up set to go on for? inLDRtoo already has 2 years down and at that level it obviously is improtant to discuss the serious stuff too, my situation's a little different as there's an expiry date on the LD side of things!

dublingal80

qwerty3964 wrote: »

This long distance thing is doing my head in. It's hard to know when and how to talk about certain things, usually it's just chatting about day-to-day stuff, but I know it's too easy to accidentally fight when talking by phone because you can't see the person and it's so hard to sense their emotions. When important 'relationship stuff' needs to be talked about, I'm not sure if it's better to do it over the phone or to wait until we see each other again. Skype isn't an option. But we need to talk about some stuff.

If its something thats really important that you need to talk about, and if you dont trust the phone etc, definitely wait until you meet in person and try and make it sooner rather than later

Emme

Good luck to the people in LDRs but to all of you fellas who are looking East, what is wrong with Irish women? There seems to be a disproportionate number of Irish men forming relationships with women overseas, yet there is a disproportionate number of Irish women who are single. I have nothing against inter-country/inter-racial relationships, but so many Irish women are single and can't meet anyone! Where are we Irish women going wrong?

OK, maybe that's a topic for another thread.

I was in a LDR myself. It ended because we had no definite plans for the future and no commitment. That's the important thing with a LDR - you need to have a definite goal in mind and trust each other.

Damo666

Didnt work for me , communication was main problem , also lack of sexlife and I guess neither of us enjoyed living our lives so far apart

Rows are harder to sort out , Jealousy is an issue and when you do meet up it can take time you dont have to get the comfortableness back

But thats my story not everyones , best of luck

chicken_food

In a LDR myself for about 6 months so far. My 2c so far are - Skype is a savior!! For 3 euro a month I can call her american cell for free, which makes communicating alot easier for both of us. There are a lot of free text programs/websites to use too, so there is no excuse for not communicating.
We have a rule and its worked out so far - don't ever go to bed angry. It can be so easy to misinterpret a text the wrong way-if it bothers you let the other one know. Something you read one way-can probably be explained in 5 seconds by the other person.

When it comes to serious stuff, we usually email our thoughts to eachother first and then later in the day we talk about it over the phone. That way we've both had time to think about the what ifs and maybes before we have to speak to eachother. It really helps out.

You have to have a 100% open and honest policy. I know I can bring up anything from marriage/where we're going to end up etc anytime I feel its neccesary. It should never be an issue, you're both in the same boat - so be open to talk about anything. Anything you're feeling, chances are they're feeling the exact same way.

There's no excuse why you aren't skyping/video chatting eachother. If you both don't own a laptop/computer - then there are plenty of internet cafes. You cannot underestimate the effect that seeing eachother has!! It can resolve a petty argument in seconds!

LDRs are tough and can be a nightmare at times - but at the same time, can be amazing. You really do get out of it whatever you put into it.

I'd also like to say what another poster said-never hang up on eachother if you're angry. Its so easy to get pissed off at eachother for petty reasons, just be aware that half the fights would never be an issue if you were face to face!!

Last but not least. Personally I think its important to set goals. So my goals are to see my gf at christmas, then in March for her birthday and hopefully I'll be over there for good in May/June. It may not work out like this, but its the goals we're working towards. It doesn't who flies where - we both share the cost of flights, because we both benefit from the visits.

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

chicken_food wrote: »

I'd also like to say what another poster said-never hang up on eachother if you're angry. Its so easy to get pissed off at eachother for petty reasons, just be aware that half the fights would never be an issue if you were face to face!!

in a hiberno-australian LDR myself for the next couple of months (59 days, 4 hours and 24 minutes exactly, but who's counting?) and this is the most important thing if you want to make things work. typos, missed humour, misconstrued impressions and the devil of imagination will eat you up unless you are open and deal with things when they spring up.

good luck with it.

kaki

Currently in a LDR Italy-Ireland (I'm the one in Italy )

Firstly, I've found that the standard means of communication compare something like this:

Video chat > Voice chat > Instant messaging > E-mail

-because of the immediacy, and also being able to hear the other person's tone of voice, being able to see their face/read their body language a little.

Also, I dunno about women in general, but I'm awful for clamming up and going monosyllabic when I'm pissed off at something, which could also be read as boredom or disinterest by him - so there's an onus on both you and her to be honest and show the other person how they're feeling, and not just hide behind the anonymity of distance/the internet.

Unlike some of the other posters, I think it's crucial that if either of you is pissed off, to have it out as soon as the time difference permits - msn, skype, phone, whatever. Preferably not email - there's too much time to read, reread, formulate the perfect response...and waiting like a person on death row for the response ain't the nicest. Because I guess relationship needs a good fight every now and again, just to be healthy.

And I find it very hard, you're not alone. I've been with my boyfriend since August 08, and we've been apart since I moved over here in September 09. Not so long, but I've hated these 3 months so much - the distance, jealousy are all heightened by the separation, not to mention the lack of physical contact.

The best plus I can offer you is that, if your relationship can survive turning LD for a while, then you've got something I wouldn't throw away in a hurry

Hope it works out for you op.

prinz

Hey OP, I've been in a LDR for over 3 years now ( set to end in a few weeks thank God ) and have learned everything the hard way during that time.. first bit of good advice is this..

inLDRtoo wrote: »

Just make sure that you never hang up while your both angry at each other and if you do hang up whilst your angry ring your bf/gf back a few minutes later so he/she knows that you still love her and all.

I agree completely. If you need to hang up do it, count to 100 or something and call back, even if the second call is to tell her you love her/say goodbye properly etc. I would say never, ever leave it. Whatever the argument was will play in your head, and your OH's, and fester. Have it out, or put it aside and get on with your chat and agree to come back to it later.

Emme wrote: »

Where are we Irish women going wrong?
OK, maybe that's a topic for another thread.

There's a thread in After Hours on this. 80% rubbish but there are some excellent posts in there on this.

inLDRtoo wrote: »

I was in a LDR myself. It ended because we had no definite plans for the future and no commitment. That's the important thing with a LDR - you need to have a definite goal in mind and trust each other.

+1, OP, IMO you really need to have the trust and faith in each other that some day the distance will be gone. I think any LDR based on a 'wait and see' approach wil be very unlikely to succeed. It doesn't mean that you have to mark a day on the calendar and say we'll be together on x day, but there does have to be light at the end of the tunnel that you both are working towards.

kaki wrote: »

Also, I dunno about women in general, but I'm awful for clamming up and going monosyllabic when I'm pissed off at something, which could also be read as boredom or disinterest by him...

I was awful for doing that and I'm the fella it happens some times, eventually my OH came to understand it didn't have anything to do with her in particular, and yes it also happened that sometimes it was boredom. Maybe not exactly boredom but it was definitely a form of mental exhaustion. There were times when I just couldn't face another phone call.

kaki wrote: »

Unlike some of the other posters, I think it's crucial that if either of you is pissed off, to have it out as soon as the time difference permits -

+1, have it out OP. Keep your cool and just have the serious talk whatever it is. IMO meeting face to face should be about having fun and enjoying your time together. Yes, you can have serious talks then too, but I don't recommend bottling anything up. IMO it would be much more likely to lead to an ugly face to face fight, and noone wants that when they are in a LDR.

kaki wrote: »

The best plus I can offer you is that, if your relationship can survive turning LD for a while, then you've got something I wouldn't throw away in a hurry

+1 Best of luck OP, and if you want to PM me.

NightOwl91

Dude..end it.

I was in a long distance relationship. It ended badly.
It was hard because he wanted "closeness"...
Despite charming me and being everything you'd wish for in a guy..
He destroyed me.
He cut me out of his life after a huge arguement when I threatened to walk away. Blocked me etc
I still search for him but hes gone..
I cant call because its been 4mths..
End it...you have no idea how hard it is.
Its harder to break up in a long distant relationship as you go through a "what if" depression...
please...if you care, walk away...
I wish someone had said this for me before I was destroyed..
You have no idea:(

judas101

NightOwl91 wrote: »

Dude..end it.

I was in a long distance relationship. It ended badly.
It was hard because he wanted "closeness"...
Despite charming me and being everything you'd wish for in a guy..
He destroyed me.
He cut me out of his life after a huge arguement when I threatened to walk away. Blocked me etc
I still search for him but hes gone..
I cant call because its been 4mths..
End it...you have no idea how hard it is.
Its harder to break up in a long distant relationship as you go through a "what if" depression...
please...if you care, walk away...
I wish someone had said this for me before I was destroyed..
You have no idea:(

Wow! I never post in RI but have to give my 2cents on this

Every relationship is different.

You obviously got messed up badly but that doesnt mean all LDRs end badly.
It 100% depends on the people and the level of commitment.

Ive done it for a while and if anything the relationship was better for it as we appreciated the time we had together more.

NightOwl91

judas101 wrote: »

Wow! I never post in RI but have to give my 2cents on this

Every relationship is different.

You obviously got messed up badly but that doesnt mean all LDRs end badly.
It 100% depends on the people and the level of commitment.

Ive done it for a while and if anything the relationship was better for it as we appreciated the time we had together more.

Yeah every LDR is different but if it ends badly and he's insecure already..I know whats gonna happen..It happened to me.
LDR's are bad news..IMO anyways as I was the one hurt ..
I certainly hope their LDR is strong...because the pain is...just unbearable..
Good luck but be cautious

LegacyUser

2 months ago, I felt bad but felt our relationship was unassailable, we'd come through it no matter what.

This month, I've had a shock. I simply wasn't prepared for feeling that our relationship would be on hold until I finish this job. I'm in a state of shock and what it means for future plans. It's making me feel very anxious and tired. I'm not eating, I try to keep active. It's impossible to talk about this over the phone.

The other thing is, simply, I'm very homesick. I'm finding it very tough to balance trying to settle in here by forgetting home and feeling guilty about forgetting home, which is in a way necessary to bed down here. We're in contact most of the time, though, and do OK pretending there's no distance between us. But the experience is really making me question my sanity. If things don't get better, I don't know what'll happen.

LegacyUser

I have done the ldr thing. We are married now. We wrote to each other every day, yes really. There is nothing like writing it all down. Phone calls were infrequent and sometimes stilted. If you really love each other, you will get through it. And its great to look forward to the post every day.

prinz

qwerty3864 wrote: »

This month, I've had a shock. I simply wasn't prepared for feeling that our relationship would be on hold until I finish this job....But the experience is really making me question my sanity. If things don't get better, I don't know what'll happen.

It happens. I went through a patch like that about three times a year. Seriously, it will get better, if you want it to. You have to decide if you want the relationship to work. It's something you really have to take time over, for both your sakes. Once you decide you want it to work.... it can be made to work ok with a lot of work and effort.

juneau wrote: »

I have done the ldr thing. We are married now. We wrote to each other every day, yes really.

+1 on this. I have done this too with my OH. Not everyday but a couple of times a week, maybe 2 letters, maybe 3. Or even just a card, good one I used was buying valentine's day cards, after Valentine's day when they're dirt cheap and then sending one each month after that just to say I love you. It worked ( as long as the card doesn't have Valentine's day on it! A non descript love/romance card is nice )

NightOwl91 wrote: »

Dude..end it.
please...if you care, walk away...
I wish someone had said this for me before I was destroyed..
You have no idea:(

NightOwl91 wrote: »

LDR's are bad news..

No offence but what happened to you has nothing to do with long distance relationships. You threatened to end it, your OH did it for you.. what's the problem? Telling someone to end his relationship because you came out the wrong side of a lover's tiff is a bit..meh.

LegacyUser

"This month, I've had a shock. I simply wasn't prepared for feeling that our relationship would be on hold until I finish this job. I'm in a state of shock and what it means for future plans. It's making me feel very anxious and tired. I'm not eating, I try to keep active. It's impossible to talk about this over the phone".

OP I think thats something which all couples in LDR know and i know that you think you can't talk about this on the phone but you CAN! I actually think it would be pretty important for you to talk about this with your other half cause as long as she/he doesn't know how you are doing he/she can't cheer you up. I think pretending that everything is alright is not the right way. I have tried this myself but after a while I just exploded and had a go at my bf, he didn't know what was happening to him. Since that time I am telling him how I actually feel and yea sometimes we end up crying on the phone. But that feels way better then pretending and we are always trying to cheer each other up afterwards. I am not saying it's easy. A LDR is lots of work and pretty hard as you miss each other so much but you do appreatiate each other a lot more when you are toghter. If you love you gf/bf I think it is worth fighting for.

NightOwl91

prinz wrote: »

No offence but what happened to you has nothing to do with long distance relationships. You threatened to end it, your OH did it for you.. what's the problem? Telling someone to end his relationship because you came out the wrong side of a lover's tiff is a bit..meh.

But didnt he say it was difficult or..?
yeah ur right..it is meh of me to say that. And I apologise. And hope his was stronger than mine. Truly hope thats the case

LegacyUser

LDRs are just not for everyone. I've been through 2, and neither ended well. Though I doubt either would have lasted even if they lived near by to be honest. I would not go through another, personally.

But I do know someone who had a LDR for years - him here, her in the states and they're now married. So it does work for some people.

dubdcugirly

LDR's are bloody hard BUT I do wholeheartedly agree with previous posters - you get out of it what you put in, and since you've to put in a lot more effort than usually you get ALOT more out of it!

Also sounds cheesey but absence does make the heart grow fonder; my OH and I were not together a long time (seeing each other a few months) before he had to move to London to work (stoooppid recession). We know how lucky we are to be able to fly over but nothing bugs me more than when people say "ah sure its only London" as they sit beside their boyfriends on a weeknight curled up on the couch! But anyhu - Skype phones have saved my life due to the fact that between phone bills, flights and spending more money than usual "on quality time" stress of money leads to arguments etc etc etc. So there are ways and means to keeping your relationship fresh and close without alot of disruption.

With regard to arguments, NEVER EVER leave an argument,,,for us in LDR we do not have the ease of having a massive argument and seeing our OHs that night for a hug and a face to face apology. You both need to recognise that arguments occur because you are missing each other too and therefore they need to be sorted pronto. I would personally agree with those who would have a video call/call rather than those saying wait to see her face to face.

Finally I think you both need to respect that both find it equally as hard. My bf and I would argue when I was down because he was homesick/hating work etc etc and yet I was the upset one. Whereas for my point of view he had a whole new routine whereas he left a void in mine and I was "left at home" bored. Also I do agree that if there was no light at the end of the tunnel and if the mood is permanent/life long it will be a lot harder to keep things strong unless there is a plan in place.

Overall I think LDRs can absolutely work. They keep you remembering how in love you are and you make sure the other knows that too. It makes you act like adults and sort arguments when you may leave them to stew if you had the ease of being in the same country. After coming on 6months of an LDR, I do believe that if you can get through this you will be able to face ALOT more in the long term.