Sibling fall out and Christmas - what to do?

LegacyUser

Right, long story short myself and one of my siblings had a pretty serious falling out a few months ago. I posted about it here and got some good advice. Things have improved with my parents but myself and my sister are very much still not speaking. I have no intention of trying to sort things out with her as I've quite simply had enough.

Anyway, the issue is Christmas. She's still living in my parents house and will obviously be there all over Christmas. I really, really don't want to go back there. I don't drive so it's not like I can pop down for a few hours and then leave again (no public transport and cant afford a taxi at christmas rates). My boyfriend has invited me down to his family home for the day but I dont want to intrude there. To be honest I just want a day of bloody peace and quiet and no hassle and would much rather spend it alone.

The past few times I've dropped home to see my parents and she's been there the atmosphere has been horrendous. I've been civil to her and have got nothing back but dirty looks and her smirking at whatever myself and my mam are talking about. I really dont want 2 or 3 days of this. There isnt even a bedroom I could disappear off to as I'll be the one that has to sleep on the sofa.

I have no doubt that my parents won't be impressed if I don't go back there but I also dont want the day to be ruined for the child with a horrible atmosphere.

I'm completely stuck as to what to do!

neuro-praxis

You live with your boyfriend. Why not go away together for a few days over Christmas? Also, what makes you think you'd be intruding if you went to his family?

symbolwoman

Go to the boyfriends house for Christmas. Phone home and talk to your parents at some point during the day. Don't spend Christmas day as a martyr to make some point to your sibling

OS119

Hi OP - again!

you should do what makes you feel happy. if being sat at home with pizza, ice-cream, Home-Alone 56 (Macauly Culkin spend christmas in Mordor) and a bottle of Chablis is what you want then you should do it - and if you fancy going to your BF's (assuming you get on with his folks and it all sounds like fun) then you should do that.


what you absolutely must not do is apologise to people who made your life shit- or did nothing while someone else did it in front of them - for, oddly enough, deciding not to spend christmas with them. if they don't like it, perhaps they should think a little harder about their behaviour. if their wit doesn't quite stretch to that cause/effect concept, you could take them through it in with crayons and short, easy to understand words, or just ditch them as being so stupid as to be beyond redemption!

have fun - my best xmas ever was spent on my own with the world's biggest indian take-away!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Yeah i think you should do what you want, christmas is hard enough, I am similar in that i have no family to spend it with and havent had for 10 years, i used to feel real upset but now i dont because life is so simple, its me and my BF and i cook a mean Turkey! lol

Anyway, you need to do this for you and for your future start as you mean to go on, no more family dramzz in your life, make your life as brill as you can, I literally wont receive one text or call from one family member this christmas, I never lived with my dad my mam fecked off when i was 18 and my sisters dont speak with me either, but you can turn it around and make it good too, my friends envy my christmas because me and my bf are together chillin,

Your parents have to understand that you are an adult now and you are your own person, they are aware that there is tension between you two so why should they put pressure on you to be there when it ruins your christmas, I hate when families try and out guilt on someone because they dont come home for christmas, you have a life too and you could honour it!

Good Luck, What will you do?

LegacyUser

Hi!

In our family, there is war between dad and my aunt on my mother's side. We spent every christmas together me, my brother, the cousins and the grandparents(on my mam's side also) and of course, my parents.
Unfortunately, the disagreement between dad and my aunt has ruined christmas as he refuses to be in the same place as my aunt.
Is it really such a big deal to spend one day with your sister and your parents? Your parents are stuck in the middle and you have to think of them.
At least try and have a discussion with your sister about tolerating each other for one day, for your parent's sake. You never know, you could even end up back on better terms.
I think it would be extremely selfish of you and your sister to ruin christmas on your parents. I know my mothers devastated that my dad and aunt won't do it for us.
That's just my opinion though.
Whatever you do, just realise it's not just you and your sister involved. Is it really that big of a deal that you would be so desperate to avoid each other on the most family orientated day of the year?

iguana

Unless you are 100% sure you won't be miserable spending the day by yourself you should spend it with your bf and his family. If your relationship is serious and you get on with his family you won't be intruding and will probably have a surprisingly lovely time. Take some time out to call your parents and wish them Happy Xmas and visit them for a few hours on St Stephen's Day with their gifts. As has been mentioned don't martyr yourself to prove a point to your sister, not letting her ruin your day will make the biggest point anyway but regardless of her your priority is to have a happy christmas.

The other thing is that as we grow up, we form a new family and don't always spend holidays with our parents. If your bf is the man you think you will marry and have children with, you will probably spend more and more holidays with him as he is your family too. I've spent every christmas since I met him with my husband, usually with his family but occasionally just the two of us. And it's great. It doesn't mean I love my family any less, just that my family has grown.

LegacyUser

Just_saying wrote: »

Hi!

In our family, there is war between dad and my aunt on my mother's side. We spent every christmas together me, my brother, the cousins and the grandparents(on my mam's side also) and of course, my parents.
Unfortunately, the disagreement between dad and my aunt has ruined christmas as he refuses to be in the same place as my aunt.
Is it really such a big deal to spend one day with your sister and your parents? Your parents are stuck in the middle and you have to think of them.
At least try and have a discussion with your sister about tolerating each other for one day, for your parent's sake. You never know, you could even end up back on better terms.
I think it would be extremely selfish of you and your sister to ruin christmas on your parents. I know my mothers devastated that my dad and aunt won't do it for us.
That's just my opinion though.
Whatever you do, just realise it's not just you and your sister involved. Is it really that big of a deal that you would be so desperate to avoid each other on the most family orientated day of the year?

Christmas does not have to be the most family oriented day of the year, its also the OP's christmas too, christmas can be an emotional time for many people and making the day run as easy as possible i think should be the main goal. I always feel that there is a lot of pressure from families to 'have to' be there on christmas day, especially if you see your family all the time, life should be a lot easier than this.


If the OP is going through a difficult time with her sister and needs time and space to work through this changing relationship then she should take this time out IMO, too many people do the opposite and ignore their true feelings because of guilt, feelings become repressed and swept under the carpet and the day is full of anxiety and dread, if people are feeling like this just for the sake of christmas it is not healthy or enjoyable.

Rantan

Just_saying wrote: »

Hi!

In our family, there is war between dad and my aunt on my mother's side. We spent every christmas together me, my brother, the cousins and the grandparents(on my mam's side also) and of course, my parents.
Unfortunately, the disagreement between dad and my aunt has ruined christmas as he refuses to be in the same place as my aunt.
Is it really such a big deal to spend one day with your sister and your parents? Your parents are stuck in the middle and you have to think of them.
At least try and have a discussion with your sister about tolerating each other for one day, for your parent's sake. You never know, you could even end up back on better terms.
I think it would be extremely selfish of you and your sister to ruin christmas on your parents. I know my mothers devastated that my dad and aunt won't do it for us.
That's just my opinion though.
Whatever you do, just realise it's not just you and your sister involved. Is it really that big of a deal that you would be so desperate to avoid each other on the most family orientated day of the year?

Agree totally with this - haven't looked back over the origins of the argument, but I think the point that has been overlooked is your relationship with her. You are looking at ways to avoid her, thats very negative. I think you should be looking at realistic ways to work out how to spend time at home, you are not just losing contact with a sister here by the sounds of it but your parents too. This is very destructive. There is no situation that cannot be resolved, I absoltely believe that. .
You've prob heard all this before, but you will regret this fight later in your life.

Kooli

Rantan wrote: »

Agree totally with this - haven't looked back over the origins of the argument, but I think the point that has been overlooked is your relationship with her. You are looking at ways to avoid her, thats very negative. I think you should be looking at realistic ways to work out how to spend time at home, you are not just losing contact with a sister here by the sounds of it but your parents too. This is very destructive. There is no situation that cannot be resolved, I absoltely believe that. .
You've prob heard all this before, but you will regret this fight later in your life.

I kind of agree with this. I don't think you and your sister should necessarily make up, but it seems unfair that you have to avoid your whole family because of her. Do you want to spend Christmas with your parents?

Also, this is not just about this Christmas - this is about every family occasion (including every Christmas) from here on in. So it's important to take the long term view on this, and think about how you would like things to be for your whole future. Is the only way to manage this situation to cut yourself off from your family?

If you think about it in a more long-term way, does that change anything? You say your desire not to go is about not wanting to be around her, which is fair enough. But has your desire not to go also got anything to do with making a point to someone? (maybe your parents) Or trying to spur someone on to action of some sort? Or trying to make it clear to people in the family just how serious this is, or just how p**sed off you are?

Just wondering...

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. To answer some of your questions:

neuro-praxis wrote: »

You live with your boyfriend. Why not go away together for a few days over Christmas? Also, what makes you think you'd be intruding if you went to his family?

Going away with the boyfriend isn't an option. He's dead set on going home which is totally fine as he doesn't see his parents all that often. He lives a few hours away from where we are and I don't have a very strong relationship with his parents, simply because we don't see each other often. I wouldn't feel 100% comfortable being there. Also, I have to work on Christmas Eve for a few hours and would be quite late getting there if I did go. Then I'm due back to work on the 27th. It just seems like a lot of hassle (God, I know that sounds bad but you know what I mean) when I'd much rather be by myself.

symbolwoman wrote: »

Go to the boyfriends house for Christmas. Phone home and talk to your parents at some point during the day. Don't spend Christmas day as a martyr to make some point to your sibling

I am in no way trying to be "a martyr". This isn't to make some stand against her treatment of me. I'm trying to look out for myself now. This is something that I never did before when it came to our relationship. She always came first and thats as much my fault as it is hers. I let it happen and didn't stand up for myself.

Just_saying wrote: »

I think it would be extremely selfish of you and your sister to ruin christmas on your parents. I know my mothers devastated that my dad and aunt won't do it for us.
.....
Whatever you do, just realise it's not just you and your sister involved. Is it really that big of a deal that you would be so desperate to avoid each other on the most family orientated day of the year?

First of all, I think it's incredibly unfair to say that my not being there would "ruin Christmas". In my opinion, being there with her, having an atmosphere and having the inevitable row (yes, inevitable) would do more damage. Why on earth should I be miserable for a few days for the sake of some facade of family unity..this misery would then of course make everyone else miserable. As for christmas being "the most family orientated day of the year", perhaps in your family, certainly not in mine.

Afriendy wrote: »

If the OP is going through a difficult time with her sister and needs time and space to work through this changing relationship then she should take this time out IMO, too many people do the opposite and ignore their true feelings because of guilt, feelings become repressed and swept under the carpet and the day is full of anxiety and dread, if people are feeling like this just for the sake of christmas it is not healthy or enjoyable.

Thanks. This is pretty much how I feel. I know how this works in our house and things have a habit of just exploding, particularly after a few drinks. Its really just something I don't want or need. I'm tired of the arguments, the snide glances and smirks, the bitchy comments. I most definitely don't want to be stuck with all of this when there is essentially no escape from it.

Rantan wrote: »

Agree totally with this - haven't looked back over the origins of the argument, but I think the point that has been overlooked is your relationship with her. You are looking at ways to avoid her, thats very negative. I think you should be looking at realistic ways to work out how to spend time at home, you are not just losing contact with a sister here by the sounds of it but your parents too. This is very destructive. There is no situation that cannot be resolved, I absoltely believe that.
You've prob heard all this before, but you will regret this fight later in your life.

I don't mean to be offensive, but if you haven't taken the time to read the origins of the argument then I really don't see why you would post here. You clearly don't know what happened between us and I believe this is a very important aspect of this matter. As I said in my original post, my relationship with my parents has improved dramatically and I talk to them and see them often. I don't see how one day is going to result in me losing contact with my parents.

I'm an adult, a grown woman with my own life and I feel that any decision I make on this matter should be respected by my parents.

As for regretting this fight, I find your comments quite patronising when you haven't bothered to read the original thread. Do I regret cutting any toxic person out of my life? Absolutely not. Why would I? People who make my life miserable don't deserve to be in it. Having the same parents doesn't give anyone the right to treat others like dirt.

Kooli wrote: »

I kind of agree with this. I don't think you and your sister should necessarily make up, but it seems unfair that you have to avoid your whole family because of her. Do you want to spend Christmas with your parents?

Also, this is not just about this Christmas - this is about every family occasion (including every Christmas) from here on in. So it's important to take the long term view on this, and think about how you would like things to be for your whole future. Is the only way to manage this situation to cut yourself off from your family?

If you think about it in a more long-term way, does that change anything? You say your desire not to go is about not wanting to be around her, which is fair enough. But has your desire not to go also got anything to do with making a point to someone? (maybe your parents) Or trying to spur someone on to action of some sort? Or trying to make it clear to people in the family just how serious this is, or just how p**sed off you are?

Just wondering...

I can see where you are coming from and I understand what you're saying, but there is no family event quite like Christmas. By that I mean, it is the only family event which involves staying in the family home for a number of days. This is where my issue lies. I can't leave if things get too much or if shít starts with her. I don't drive and I'm unbelievably broke at the moment so I can't afford extortionate taxi fares.

I am most certainly not trying to make a point to anyone. My parents know how I feel about their initial response to the whole thing and how upset I was. It's been talked about and resolved. I don't care what my sister thinks of me. Genuinely don't. I just want to make life easy for myself to be perfectly honest.

Dizzyblonde

So, I may be wrong but what I'm getting is this:
You're only off for 2 days so you won't go to your boyfriend's parents' house because it's not long enough.
You won't go to your own parents' house because it's too long.

How are all the people you claim to love supposed to enjoy Christmas knowing you're home alone? Oh I think you're definitely trying to make a point, and it may well backfire on you. You say you're a mature adult but you're not acting like one. You seem to be punishing a lot of people.

LegacyUser

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

So, I may be wrong but what I'm getting is this:
You're only off for 2 days so you won't go to your boyfriend's parents' house because it's not long enough.
You won't go to your own parents' house because it's too long.

How are all the people you claim to love supposed to enjoy Christmas knowing you're home alone? Oh I think you're definitely trying to make a point, and it may well backfire on you. You say you're a mature adult but you're not acting like one. You seem to be punishing a lot of people.

The people I "claim" to love?? Wow. Thats so very offensive. I don't love my family because I want to spare everyone (and yes I do include myself in that) the bad atmosphere and inevitable fight that myself and my sister being together will bring?

Also, did you miss the part where I said I hadn't spent a lot of time with my boyfriends parents and therefore don't know them very well? Or are we just picking and choosing what suits the argument?

There is no point to be made. We don't talk to each other. She treated me badly for years and I finally cut her out. Its really that simple. Surely it's fair enough for me not to want to spend time with her? I'm quite confused as to what you think is going to backfire on me.

How am I punishing a lot of people? Being together will cause far more misery than me not being there will. I have absolutely no issue with spending christmas by myself, so why the hell should it concern anyone else?

Dizzyblonde

Believe me, you won't be doing your parents or your boyfriend any favours by staying home alone for Christmas. Unless they're all completely uncaring they'll be distraught at the thought of you being alone and that will ruin it for them. Is that what you want?

No, I'm not just picking and choosing what suits the argument, in fact I didn't think it was an argument. I've read your other thread and I find it odd that in over 5 years you haven't gotten to know your boyfriend's parents enough to be able to spend Christmas day with them. To each their own, I suppose.

The mature thing to do would be to see your parents for Chistmas and make a big effort to be polite to your sister, regardless of her behaviour. As an adult you should be able to rise above it, and your love and respect for your parents should prevail.

dmy1001

Ok so these things happens in many many families.

you can sit home alone but don't tell your parents that or you will look like you are playing a pity game, anyone who says i am not going to BF's parents (although he is going) and i am not coming to yours but will sit here by myself on Xmas day will look like they are in a sulk, even if they are not! it will not bode well for your relationship with your parents.

you will never get to know your boyfriends family if you do not make the effort. if you are invited then they want you there.

why do you not invite your parents around to yours and cook for them, your BF and you over the holidays if you are not spending the day with them and stay clear of herself. make these arrangements ahead of time before it becomes an issue.

bSlick

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

Believe me, you won't be doing your parents or your boyfriend any favours by staying home alone for Christmas. Unless they're all completely uncaring they'll be distraught at the thought of you being alone and that will ruin it for them. Is that what you want?

No, I'm not just picking and choosing what suits the argument, in fact I didn't think it was an argument. I've read your other thread and I find it odd that in over 5 years you haven't gotten to know your boyfriend's parents enough to be able to spend Christmas day with them. To each their own, I suppose.

The mature thing to do would be to see your parents for Chistmas and make a big effort to be polite to your sister, regardless of her behaviour. As an adult you should be able to rise above it, and your love and respect for your parents should prevail.

If the OP is getting very badly treated at home by her sister, and it sounds like she is, why should she go and spend several days there in a situation she is dreading? What good will that do anyone? Her sister is complete knob-end given the description in the other post - the OP should just say to the parents that she will only be visiting in future when the sister is not in the house or until the parents have a word with the sister and tell her to cop herself on.

And I don't agree on going out of your way to be polite to your sister, if someone shows you no respect that's what they should expect back - I'm not suggesting more rows with her, I'm recommending completely blanking her. In future, just walk/talk right by her as if she she doesn't exist. Because until she stops acting like such a twat you should have absolutely nothing to do with her.

iguana

UpsetSis wrote: »

He lives a few hours away from where we are and I don't have a very strong relationship with his parents, simply because we don't see each other often. I wouldn't feel 100% comfortable being there. Also, I have to work on Christmas Eve for a few hours and would be quite late getting there if I did go. Then I'm due back to work on the 27th.

Don't you think that spending Christmas with them will strengthen your relationship? I know it might seem a bit stressful but if it helps cement your relationship it would be worth it. Your bf's parents seem important to him so do consider getting to know them better. In addition your parents will probably be more upset by you spending the day alone than if you spend it with your partner.

However if being alone for a few days is really, honestly what you want there is nothing wrong with that whatsoever. Just be 100% sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

LegacyUser

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

Believe me, you won't be doing your parents or your boyfriend any favours by staying home alone for Christmas. Unless they're all completely uncaring they'll be distraught at the thought of you being alone and that will ruin it for them. Is that what you want?

This is what I don't get. Why on earth is it so alien for someone to not buy into this complete bullshít of "we all have to play happy families at christmas"? I'm not into christmas, I never have been. I find it incredibly boring and I see it as just another day. There will be a person there that I really don't want to spend time with. Someone who will make the time completely miserable and get away with it scott-free. Why on earth should I have to put up with that behaviour because others can't accept the fact that I won't be miserable at home by myself, I'm not going to sit there in tears and I'm not going to slit my wrists. If anyone is "distraught" at this then, to be frank, it's an emotion they are choosing for themselves based on what they *think* I should be feeling.

I have talked at length with my boyfriend about this issue last night and he has assured me that once I'm ok with being alone then so is he.

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

I've read your other thread and I find it odd that in over 5 years you haven't gotten to know your boyfriend's parents enough to be able to spend Christmas day with them. To each their own, I suppose.

The situation with my boyfriend's parents is completely irrelevant.

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

The mature thing to do would be to see your parents for Chistmas and make a big effort to be polite to your sister, regardless of her behaviour. As an adult you should be able to rise above it, and your love and respect for your parents should prevail.

Efforts to be polite to my sister have failed and I have no intention of wasting my time further. I also don't see how electing not to create an atmosphere for myself and everyone else is immature. But hey, to each their own.

dmy1001 wrote: »

you will never get to know your boyfriends family if you do not make the effort. if you are invited then they want you there.

iguana wrote: »

Don't you think that spending Christmas with them will strengthen your relationship? I know it might seem a bit stressful but if it helps cement your relationship it would be worth it. Your bf's parents seem important to him so do consider getting to know them better. In addition your parents will probably be more upset by you spending the day alone than if you spend it with your partner.

Ok, just to comment on the boyfriends parents aspect. His parents havent invited me, my boyfriend did. They know nothing about it. His mother is a lovely woman but a massive worrier, she would implode if she thought I was coming to stay over christmas.

How well I do or don't know my partner's family is nobody's business but mine and my partners. You can call it weird, find it odd, whatever. I'm not about to divulge any information on how well he or I get along with his family or what the circumstances are. It's not what I'm asking about so I'd appreciate it if people would leave this aspect alone.

dmy1001 wrote: »

why do you not invite your parents around to yours and cook for them, your BF and you over the holidays if you are not spending the day with them and stay clear of herself. make these arrangements ahead of time before it becomes an issue.

Thats a lovely idea but unfortunately not very feasible given our current living situation. Some kind of compromise like this would be nice.

I guess I'm just trying to understand why the first instinct to this suggestion of spending the day alone is met with such horror. The assumption that I'm making some sort of sulky, huffy point to my sister or I'm going to spend the day absolutely miserable. I'm really not. I simply don't want to fight. I don't want to ruin the day for the kid, my parents or for myself. And believe me, I'm definitely not trying to be a martyr because I also want to be able to sleep in a bed too instead of an uncomfortable sofa.

I'm just sick of the whole situation in general and I'm tired of so much negativity over one bloody person. I don't see forced smiles, simmering anger and an inevitable explosion as a better solution for all those involved.

Rantan

UpsetSis wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. To answer some of your questions:



Going away with the boyfriend isn't an option. He's dead set on going home which is totally fine as he doesn't see his parents all that often. He lives a few hours away from where we are and I don't have a very strong relationship with his parents, simply because we don't see each other often. I wouldn't feel 100% comfortable being there. Also, I have to work on Christmas Eve for a few hours and would be quite late getting there if I did go. Then I'm due back to work on the 27th. It just seems like a lot of hassle (God, I know that sounds bad but you know what I mean) when I'd much rather be by myself.



I am in no way trying to be "a martyr". This isn't to make some stand against her treatment of me. I'm trying to look out for myself now. This is something that I never did before when it came to our relationship. She always came first and thats as much my fault as it is hers. I let it happen and didn't stand up for myself.



First of all, I think it's incredibly unfair to say that my not being there would "ruin Christmas". In my opinion, being there with her, having an atmosphere and having the inevitable row (yes, inevitable) would do more damage. Why on earth should I be miserable for a few days for the sake of some facade of family unity..this misery would then of course make everyone else miserable. As for christmas being "the most family orientated day of the year", perhaps in your family, certainly not in mine.



Thanks. This is pretty much how I feel. I know how this works in our house and things have a habit of just exploding, particularly after a few drinks. Its really just something I don't want or need. I'm tired of the arguments, the snide glances and smirks, the bitchy comments. I most definitely don't want to be stuck with all of this when there is essentially no escape from it.



I don't mean to be offensive, but if you haven't taken the time to read the origins of the argument then I really don't see why you would post here. You clearly don't know what happened between us and I believe this is a very important aspect of this matter. As I said in my original post, my relationship with my parents has improved dramatically and I talk to them and see them often. I don't see how one day is going to result in me losing contact with my parents.

I'm an adult, a grown woman with my own life and I feel that any decision I make on this matter should be respected by my parents.

As for regretting this fight, I find your comments quite patronising when you haven't bothered to read the original thread. Do I regret cutting any toxic person out of my life? Absolutely not. Why would I? People who make my life miserable don't deserve to be in it. Having the same parents doesn't give anyone the right to treat others like dirt.


I can see where you are coming from and I understand what you're saying, but there is no family event quite like Christmas. By that I mean, it is the only family event which involves staying in the family home for a number of days. This is where my issue lies. I can't leave if things get too much or if shít starts with her. I don't drive and I'm unbelievably broke at the moment so I can't afford extortionate taxi fares.

I am most certainly not trying to make a point to anyone. My parents know how I feel about their initial response to the whole thing and how upset I was. It's been talked about and resolved. I don't care what my sister thinks of me. Genuinely don't. I just want to make life easy for myself to be perfectly honest.

you must be a very sensitive person, my comments are relatively harmless, I have read your original post, it doesn;t change my opinion. If you just want people to say what you want to hear well then spend Cristmas on your own and save yourself the hastle, your parents, who sound like they are normal decent parents who love their children will be upset, but you know what, they'll get over it eventually and forgive you.

dellas1979

While I totally understand where you are coming from, I would bite the bullet and go to your parents. 48hrs or less is very doable.

In avoiding your sister, you will cut yourself off. Right now you cant see how this will affect you in the future, but if you stay on your own out of choice, you are being a bit selfish. There are plenty out there with no families and noone to turn to at Christmas. You are only setting the bar for next christmas and the following and the following....BE THE BIGGER PERSON!

LegacyUser

Rantan wrote: »

you must be a very sensitive person, my comments are relatively harmless, I have read your original post, it doesn;t change my opinion. If you just want people to say what you want to hear well then spend Cristmas on your own and save yourself the hastle, your parents, who sound like they are normal decent parents who love their children will be upset, but you know what, they'll get over it eventually and forgive you.

I'm not very sensitive at all. I just don't appreciate uninformed opinions.

I don't want people to tell me what I want to hear, I want to try and understand what all the fuss is over. So far I just don't get it.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Op dont listen to anyone else here who is putting you down and judging you, its not an easy thing to do what you are doing and also there is a lot of realization about your family you have to come to terms with in that they are shutting you out! but of course the parents and their needs are expected to come first before your own. Its guilt.

For the first time in your life your standing up to the bully that your sister is, if your parents can not see this then what choice do you have but protect yourself.

So your in a situation here where many posters feel you are being selfish because you want to have a good christmas yourself, your not getting a lot of time off from work and posters are suggesting you spend it in the worst way possible.

As an adult you get to be in control of your life, this issue with your sister has been effecting you for long enough and christmas or no christmas it is time to address it and not have her hurt you any longer. That to me is believing in yourself and being true to yourself, some people think that its not ok to do this and be selfish, its your life, its your christmas and no one has the right to ram their views of how you should spend it down your neck.

Rantan whats wrong with her being sensitive, anyone would be sensitive about this issue if they were in it, to put her down about it makes no sense, why are you trying to dictate to her what 'she' needs to do rather than understanding and hearing what she is really saying.

dmy1001

OP
to be honest this looks to me now from your responses like you really do not want opinions at all. all you seem to be doing is shooting down everything everyone is saying to you.

nobody said that you were sulky or huffy but that is exactly what it will look like if you tell your parents you are sitting at home on Xmas day. Like it or not Xmas day means a lot to MOST parents, that is the reason you are getting these responses.
you are right it is nobodys business what your relationship is with your BF's family.........you could simply have said nothing at all about going there or said it is not an option....you brought it up and people are only trying to help you.
You have a million and one ways of staying home by yourself Xmas day...including a 5 second phone call on Xmas morning to say you have a stomach bug and can't make it. It all depends on how much you really care about your parents feelings.
if you cannot have them over you could go out to eat.................

Good Luck

Dizzyblonde

OP, I have absolutely no problem whatsoever with people spending Christmas in the way they want to - in fact I always remind my adult children that they are never to feel they have to be home for Christmas.

What puzzles me is that you're saying you're perfectly happy to spend Christmas alone and that your boyfriend is happy for you to do that. That's all fine and dandy, but at the end of your first post you said that you were stumped as to what to do

If you feel that everything will be as normal after you spend Christmas alone and that it won't affect any of your relationships, then go ahead - you don't need anyone's permission, and you certainly don't need the permission of strangers on a website.

Sophsxxx

OP, If you don't want to go then don't go. It's pretty simple really. If you consider xmas to be overrated or whatever, then it's not a big deal.
If anyone feels like **** over you being on your own or are giving you a hard time over it, then just tell them it's your decision and your happy for the day to yourself.

Rantan

Afriendy wrote: »

Hi,

Op dont listen to anyone else here who is putting you down and judging you, its not an easy thing to do what you are doing and also there is a lot of realization about your family you have to come to terms with in that they are shutting you out! but of course the parents and their needs are expected to come first before your own. Its guilt.

For the first time in your life your standing up to the bully that your sister is, if your parents can not see this then what choice do you have but protect yourself.

So your in a situation here where many posters feel you are being selfish because you want to have a good christmas yourself, your not getting a lot of time off from work and posters are suggesting you spend it in the worst way possible.

As an adult you get to be in control of your life, this issue with your sister has been effecting you for long enough and christmas or no christmas it is time to address it and not have her hurt you any longer. That to me is believing in yourself and being true to yourself, some people think that its not ok to do this and be selfish, its your life, its your christmas and no one has the right to ram their views of how you should spend it down your neck.

Rantan whats wrong with her being sensitive, anyone would be sensitive about this issue if they were in it, to put her down about it makes no sense, why are you trying to dictate to her what 'she' needs to do rather than understanding and hearing what she is really saying.

thats an unfair claim, where have I dictated anything? I offered my opinion on the situation which she has presented and she called me patronising for that, that is a bit unfair and a little insulting. Everone has family disputes, she is not unique in hers. I stand by my belief that it is wrong to cut off a family member following a dispute, no matter how hurtful people have been, no argument cannot be overcome. It is a course of action that will only lead to regret years down the line, I have personal experience of it and i'm sure others will agree on this point.
If I am putting her down and am being patronising I appologise to you upsetsis and will not contribute further to this thread.

LegacyUser

Rantan wrote: »

thats an unfair claim, where have I dictated anything? I offered my opinion on the situation which she has presented and she called me patronising for that, that is a bit unfair and a little insulting. Everone has family disputes, she is not unique in hers. I stand by my belief that it is wrong to cut off a family member following a dispute, no matter how hurtful people have been, no argument cannot be overcome. It is a course of action that will only lead to regret years down the line, I have personal experience of it and i'm sure others will agree on this point.
If I am putting her down and am being patronising I appologise to you upsetsis and will not contribute further to this thread.

I thought it was patronizing and insulting to say to her she was a sensitive person, do you know exactly what it is like to be bullied by a family member for a long period of time, why wouldnt she be sensitive is my point? And what you were saying to her may work for you in your family but may not be the right choice for her, do you not think you were pushing your views on her rather than listening to what her experience was.

Also there are many people in the world who have had to cut off family members where the relationship is too toxic and it is not healthy to continue the toxic dynamic, the OP is not saying she even wants to cut off from her sister forever but she might want to change the dynamic and she might need some time to process this, so what if she takes a year out this christmas to deal with this, it is an incredibly traumatic thing to have to go through because your family are the most important people to you in life calling her sensitive is an attack on her strength to actually stand up to this bully in her life.


I have also gone through huge family traumas and i have a lot of experience in relationships, one thing i know for sure is that you dont heal as a person if you dont trust yourself and stand firm to anyone in your life who is having a negative impact on you, you have to have the self esteem to work through it, you cant always be responsible for the family dynamic and have to keep it sweet all the time, the OP sounds like she is trusting herself for the first time in her life and she is being put down here because she doesnt want to spend christmas with her family because she knows its going to be tense and stressful.

Youd be better off saying to her yeah do spend it on your own, yeah do get some space, see how you feel after you process it a bit more, unfortunately christmas is getting in the way but just because its christmas doesnt mean she has to put her feelings on hold. Imagine how hard it is going to be for her, so cut her a break peeps.

LegacyUser

Rantan wrote: »

Everone has family disputes, she is not unique in hers. I stand by my belief that it is wrong to cut off a family member following a dispute, no matter how hurtful people have been, no argument cannot be overcome.

Hi OP,

I have to agree to this.

Ignoring someone as a human being is an extremely ignorant thing to do. You'd swear your sister did something dreadful - it sounds as if she's just a little troubled and needs help. Almost like a sickness. Who knows maybe the drugs messed her up. People are human. They make mistakes. For you not to realise this and to continue ignoring your sister is absolutly stupid and ignorant. Ignoring someone solves nothing.

I have a sister who will not speak to me and hasn't spoken to me in over a year over something so small and stupid. I have tried to apologise but it wasn't good enough even though she was in the wrong as well over the dispute that we fell out over. I'm at my wits end as to what to do.

I know another family where a sister hasn't spoken to her brother in over 16 years over something so stupid. People like this are ignorant and bullies themselves.

LegacyUser

unreg.person wrote: »

Hi OP,

I have to agree to this.

Ignoring someone as a human being is an extremely ignorant thing to do. You'd swear your sister did something dreadful - it sounds as if she's just a little troubled and needs help. Almost like a sickness. Who knows maybe the drugs messed her up. People are human. They make mistakes. For you not to realise this and to continue ignoring your sister is absolutly stupid and ignorant. Ignoring someone solves nothing.

I have a sister who will not speak to me and hasn't spoken to me in over a year over something so small and stupid. I have tried to apologise but it wasn't good enough even though she was in the wrong as well over the dispute that we fell out over. I'm at my wits end as to what to do.

I know another family where a sister hasn't spoken to her brother in over 16 years over something so stupid. People like this are ignorant and bullies themselves.

Do you not think the OP needs some time to process whats happened with her sister? How do you know if she is never going to speak to her again? Maybe she reached a peak with the bullying from her sister and needs a rest from it, once the OP process it she can then decide what to do, everyone is pushing their personal experiences onto her,

Its not wrong to cut off a family member if there is bullying involved, it can be an immediate response and later the relationship can be revisited, again the OP has never said she is cutting her out of her life forever, there are a lot of presumptions being made here. Who knows the sister might miss her and see the error of her ways if she sees the OP as a stronger person who will stand up for herself she may not bully her again.

Rantan

Afriendy wrote: »

I thought it was patronizing and insulting to say to her she was a sensitive person, do you know exactly what it is like to be bullied by a family member for a long period of time, why wouldnt she be sensitive is my point? And what you were saying to her may work for you in your family but may not be the right choice for her, do you not think you were pushing your views on her rather than listening to what her experience was.

Also there are many people in the world who have had to cut off family members where the relationship is too toxic and it is not healthy to continue the toxic dynamic, the OP is not saying she even wants to cut off from her sister forever but she might want to change the dynamic and she might need some time to process this, so what if she takes a year out this christmas to deal with this, it is an incredibly traumatic thing to have to go through because your family are the most important people to you in life calling her sensitive is an attack on her strength to actually stand up to this bully in her life.


I have also gone through huge family traumas and i have a lot of experience in relationships, one thing i know for sure is that you dont heal as a person if you dont trust yourself and stand firm to anyone in your life who is having a negative impact on you, you have to have the self esteem to work through it, you cant always be responsible for the family dynamic and have to keep it sweet all the time, the OP sounds like she is trusting herself for the first time in her life and she is being put down here because she doesnt want to spend christmas with her family because she knows its going to be tense and stressful.

Youd be better off saying to her yeah do spend it on your own, yeah do get some space, see how you feel after you process it a bit more, unfortunately christmas is getting in the way but just because its christmas doesnt mean she has to put her feelings on hold. Imagine how hard it is going to be for her, so cut her a break peeps.

I have apologised already and said I will not contribute further to this post. I do not think I need to apologise again.

LegacyUser

Rantan wrote: »

I have apologised already and said I will not contribute further to this post. I do not think I need to apologise again.

Apologies to you too Ratan, i was merely expressing my opinion as you did yourself. No bad feeling intended.

Rantan

Afriendy wrote: »

Apologies to you too Ratan, i was merely expressing my opinion as you did yourself. No bad feeling intended.

Thanks, no problem.

deisemum

OP If you do not want to spend time in the company of your sister then don't and don't feel guilty for it. Just because it's christmas doesn't mean you have to tolerate being in the company of someone who's a rip to you. I've got more self-respect for myself than put myself through that.

Just a thought but it's what I used to do when I lived abroad and didn't have family around for christmas, would you consider volunteering helping out at an old-peoples home or church hall or shelter that's providing meals for the homeless.

Not only is it removing you from having to endure your sister or spending the day by yourself but you get to do something good for other people which is more in the true spirit of christmas, plus it would be a more acceptable excuse/reason for your parents to get their heads round and it's also and enjoyable day.

Also as you don't drive if you volunteer for something the organisers will normally arrange lifts for people.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I've got pretty much the same problem as you - I haven't spoken to my younger sibling in a couple of years and I always dread spending Christmas at home (they still live at home too). I hope whatever you decide to do, your parents and boyfriend support you 100%. I know exactly how horrible it is to be stuck at home with my sibling. I often feel that I am the one who is ruining Christmas by coming home, and to be honest I'd avoid it at all costs if I could - but I can't. To be honest, if you get on well with your bf's parents, why not head to them? Could it possibly be any worse than staying at home? I don't really have more any advice for you, I just wanted to empathise. It's a fairly crap time of the year. xxx