Short Film Script... help?

Old Man WInters

Long story short, I had this due for college yesterday but a ridiculous bout of flu (thankfully not swine flu, though the doctor was sure it was for a week or two!) has meant I have basically been doing my best paraplaegic impression for the last while and am running late with it. I have missed some lectures where we were going over each others first-and-second drafts and critiquing them and whatnot, so now... I basically am stuck with a first draft to hand in as the final product. If that weren't enough, it's worth 80% of the total marks for the class (no exam). Whoopedy-feckin' doo-daa.

It is intended to be farcical, and the Jack's (the protagonist) failing to really question what is going on around him is supposed to basically signify the nonsense that we as a nation put up with (moaned about yeah, but never acted upon) from banks, politicians, retailers, etc until it was too late financially speaking.

The banks basically act as the whole public sector - nameless, faceless, beurocratic, entirely overbloated, overpaid and ungrateful for it, only efficient at wasting taxpayers money.

Also a bit of a personal chip on the shoulder about the emergency tax bit - it took me 10 months and 3 weeks to get mine back (just got it two weeks ago) despite the fact that... well let's face it, the tax office is hardly up to their ears in emergency tax forms the last year or so, now are they?

Anyway, here is it - be as harsh as you want, but please offer a way for me to improve this if you do. It is a first draft so it's obviously going to be a bit crap, but I need to get it fixed up ASAP and am struggling to find means by which to do so here it is (it's only 14 pages long - in format - so shouldn't takem ore than 10-15 minutes to glance through).

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http://drop.io/ikvhzao
- You might need to click zoom once or twice. This is a really handy website for uploading stuff btw, .doc, .txt, .pdf - it seems to accept any kind of text document, doesn't require signing up and is just generally really, erm, handy.
(no, I don't work for them )

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The main questions I am wondering myself are:
Am I revealing First Legal to soon?
- As opposed to building them up as a potential mafia-like threat?

What is right and wrong with the formatting?

Are there many noticeable errors in the structure?
- Is is too stop/startish? (e.g. a series of meetings rather than an unwinding story)
- If so, what could remedy this?

Do I make Jack likeable enough? If not, why?
- His betrayal at the end (gambling) is integral to the story though.

Is the dialogue too rigid? Any advise on how to loosen it up a bit?
- Could Jack's words express him better?

Anything else?

pickarooney

I can't open the PDF. Clicking does naaathing.