Gauge of character

LegacyUser

Well it's like this...

I have been dating a girl recently, we only just met 3/4 months ago and then started dating soon afterwards.

I am trying to work out if she is the girl I believe her to be...however one or two things have been bothering me...in movies or tv shows she often admires the truly cunning types, the ones who manipulate people and live lives full of deception.....

She has openly expressed in reference to one character that she loves the fact that she makes everyone think she is lovely but in reality she is the comeplete opposite....

She has occasionally referred to herself as a 'bad girl' or 'very naughty' type of character, she initially told she had done some very bad things, but now she tells me that was just some light hearted humour.....

I have found her telling me one or two white lies, and have confronted her, but she 100% denies doing so despite me telling her I know she is lying. She knows I can't prove it and it is this upon which she seems to base her denial. The problem is I have developed very strong feelings for her, but I feel there is more to her than meets the eye...

I don't want to break up with her as I may be wrong, but the way she denied the lying so vehemently has bugged me...I gave her every chance to come clean, told her I don't care about the lie, I just want to know I can believe whatever she tells me....

I know we all tell lies, but she could just have come clean...

She then began to tell me I need help and I am just way too paranoid...


Ah, it's so frustrating, I'm nearly 30 and this is the first girl I thought I truly could connect with...

Kimia

Don't like the sound of that OP! Your instinct is telling you something here.

It's up to you really.You know she's been lying to you. Do you like her enough to ignore the bad stuff?

LegacyUser

Yeah it's tough to call....she is very good natured, but this admiration of such characters I find worrying. It just doesn't seem to me like something you would admire if you didn't think it was an appropriate way to behave....?....I can't stand cunning people, I would never admire someone who is cunning....

I guess the referencing to herself as 'naughty, bad etc' must have some basis as well...

I have really fallen for her, about as much as you could for anyone..but if we are to have a real future I need to work this one out..thanks Kimia, I think you may be right that my instinct is telling me something....

I need to give it more time I guess, but it's consuming me at the moment....

I want to try and just enjoy these times as otherwise things could not be better, but this is gnawing at me....

Terodil

I agree with Kimia. That's bad signs, and not too few of them. =/

That said, the picture some (if not most) people like to paint of themselves is not necessarily their true nature. I think men were particularly prone to this due to the expectations of their peers and society in general and made themselves look tougher and less sensitive than they actually were; now that the picture of women has changed substantially, there is some pressure on women to do likewise and be the 'bad girl' (just see the numerous titles in literature and women's mags along the lines of 'good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere'). Like the 'bad guy', it has the aura of the dangerous, of the fascinating around it. Maybe she's trying to impress you that way? (It does sound slightly juvenile though, I'd expect such behaviour from teens, but not late twens...)

Lying like that, however, and telling you that you have issues really is not on. I'm tempted to push the 'headwrecker' button...

LegacyUser

She is a few years younger alright, so that may explain the more immature aspect of it.

She has completely denied it, and got annoyed with me for bringing it up. There was something else I was worried about that I couldn't prove and when I raised it with her she completely denied it....I had no real proof, so I just told her that a number of small things made me suspicious without giving too much away....

Anyway she kept on asking me what proof I had...

I did some reading up on liars etc, they always base their denial on the weight of proof against them. Now maybe she was justified in asking what proof I had but would it not make more sense to just tell me to cop on instead of asking for the proof?

LegacyUser

Gut instinct is telling you that she's not for you !!!

I'm also with my gf about 3/4 months...we however get on fab 100%..no doubts...so maybe you need to move on..there shouldn't be doubts so early on !! IMO

SarahSassy

TBH you sound very very intense to me. You sound like you are trying to catch her out and we all say things we forget or maybe exaggerate when trying to impress someone at the start of a relationship.

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

TBH you sound very very intense to me. You sound like you are trying to catch her out and we all say things we forget or maybe exaggerate when trying to impress someone at the start of a relationship.

Yeah maybe your right....I don't wish to be intense....I guess I may be reading too much into it....

As I said I want to give it more time and I'll learn to trust her more...but at the same time, you have to be realistic....you can't just trust anyone

Otherwise the relationship could not be better, I really didn't think you could fall this much for someone, and she feels the same so I don't want to mess it up....

Liam Byrne

Masked wrote: »

I really didn't think you could fall this much for someone, and she feels the same so I don't want to mess it up....

Masked wrote: »

you can't just trust anyone;

Sentence 1 : She's amazing and I'm falling for her

Sentence 2 : I'm referring to her as just "anyone" and I'm using phrases like "falling for her" even though you don't trust her. :rolleyes:

Falling for someone INCLUDES trusting someone. Whatever about "early-days-doubts", the initial days should - for want of a better phrase - be "trust-neutral"; you've no reason to either trust or distrust someone, and their actions lead you one way or the other.

It's up to you if you want to overlook the above, but you didn't come on here looking for advice for no reason.

daisybelle2008

Masked wrote: »

She is a few years younger alright, so that may explain the more immature aspect of it.

She has completely denied it, and got annoyed with me for bringing it up. There was something else I was worried about that I couldn't prove and when I raised it with her she completely denied it....I had no real proof, so I just told her that a number of small things made me suspicious without giving too much away....

Anyway she kept on asking me what proof I had...

I did some reading up on liars etc, they always base their denial on the weight of proof against them. Now maybe she was justified in asking what proof I had but would it not make more sense to just tell me to cop on instead of asking for the proof?

In all your posts you mention you had no proof for her lies. Can I ask how you can be so certain then that she is lying? You really cannot go around accusing people of being liars without evidence.
Everyone would defend themselves without a burden of proof, this does not mean they are liars.

I just say the above because you do seem a bit intense and u say this is the first woman you have connected with at almost 30 yo. Are you usually suspicious of women?

However,I totally agree you should go with your gut instinct which seems to be giving you signals.

magneticimpulse

I think your going abit to extremes from what i can tell by your post. Sounds like my ex. When we 1st met, i told him some stories of things i did...nothing far from the ordinary. then months later my friends showed a funny movie of the event. he turned around and said...wow you were actually telling the truth about that and it wasnt lies. I like interesting characters in movies too and he would get supiscious. seriously you need to dawson creek a bit less.

to me sounds like you have had say 2 or 3 serious relationships in the past (ok i know assumptions), but sounds like something happened for you not to trust girlfriends. i would look into why you have these doubts and why you find it hard to trust her. could there be some event in the past which occurred with an ex where they lied to you?

Gyalist

Pay attention to your instinct. Something's not quite right and you know it. You just can't put your finger on the source of your unease.

This woman has been telling you exactly what sort of person she is. In the earliest interactions, people tend to reveal clearly what sort of person they are and how they want the relationship to progress. However, because we get caught up in the passion and lust we tend to let that override our good judgement. Men tend not to understand clearly what women are saying or blow it off as a joke.

IT IS NOT A JOKE!!

This woman is waving some large red flags at you!!

If a woman tells you that she is a "bad girl" or "very naughty" she is serious even if she tries to row it back later and say it was just lighthearted banter. She is in effect warning you as to the type of person that she is. When the self-destruction starts she will then blame you as in her mind she has already told you what sort of person she is and that by continuing the relationship you tacitly accepted her terms.

I'd be inclined to believe that, in your case, she is hiding a materially relevant part of her history from you.

Here's an example of something that women say that men tend to dismiss:

Woman (laughingly) says, "I'm high maintenance" or "I am a princess" or "I
like rich men."
She is not joking or being ironic or sarcastic. She is telling you that you have a gold-digger on your hands.

As for her calling you paranoid because you caught her out in her lies, this shows a very manipulative person. Be very careful. Always screen carefully before entering relationships and not be afraid to walk if you don't like what you find.

kenbrady

Post 9 & 10 are what I think.

I think you have trust issues and are convinced she is telling lies, but you have no proof. Even the nicest, sweetest girls like to be though of as being naughty and bad sometimes.

Monkey61

I think worrying about her admiring clever and cunning types on TV is a bit much. It is a perfectly normal thing to do and not a sign of a major personality flaw. Confidence, intelligence and power are very attractive things and that is what I would imagine she appreciates.

opinion guy

Hmmm when you accused her of lying how did she react ?
Did she get angry ?

Cause if it were me, if I was dating someone and they accused me of lying over several things a) I'd be pissed off b) I'd probably dump them unless there was a very good explanation. So I'm wondering how did she react?

If your GF didn't at least get a little angry I'd be wondering why

magneticimpulse

this gets the dawson creek award of looking into things too much. for example my brother gave me "election" for a christmas present one year (as a joke) and i watched it with my ex. as i joke, i was like yeah my bro gave me this as he thinks it represents me very well. now come on!! if ya cant take that as a joke, something seriously wrong. ive never been in an election and ive never torn up peoples posters in rage. i just saw reese as a very funny character. i would compare myself to her in legally blonde, but doesnt mean i wear pink and carry a dog in my hand bag or that im high maintenance. i always joke im high maintenace, but i only wear make up like every now and again at weekends. im well able to rough it up hiking in the mountains and camping. girls just make these jokes as they are stereotypes of girls. like how to loose a guy in 10 days. its all stereotypes.

if you find it difficult to gauge her character. what are the people like around her? what are her friends like? her family like? are they all complete raving crazy psychos bunny boilers with tazer guns?? i bet not. i think you have completely lost the plot by judging someone based on a movie character. thats fiction, she is reality, big difference between the two.

back to the question about trust in previous relationships? you never answered if this was ever an issue. if a girl ever lied to you. i think if its true, then thats your problem. if you dont sort it out, you will never be able to trust any girl. no matter if she is cinderella.


just to add, what about porn movies?? people watch them, but doesnt mean they actually act or behave in that way. its all fiction and fantasy. so comparing someone to a movie...(unless she is a hot babe in a porn movie) i wouldnt worry about

Aurora Borealis

There's something about the tone of this post that makes me think you are being a bit paranoid. What do you think she lied about before, is it something of consequence or white lie zone?

All I know is being quizzed when you're telling the truth is awful, as is the feeling someone is examining your reaction to judge its veracity. What do you think she has to lie about? I think we've all been burned at some stage with someone telling lies, cheating whatever but I don't think it's healthy to expect it of people. My take is to think the best until proven otherwise and not waste my happiness searching for a reason not to be.

XarcherX

hey OP. don't take this the wrong way but you are coming across as a bit paranoid. It's normal to have niggling doubts about a relationship but you seem absolutely determined to prove she is lying to you..
Try letting up on it as you have no actual proof that she's lying about anything and the more you go on at her the more she will back away.. I speak from experience that being constantly doubted and questioned by your bfriend can be very frustrating, especially if you've done nothing wrong! Some people can't stand being doubted.
this can only get to you because you are letting it and over-thinking things. Try not to let it get to you so much and try to relax around her...

good luck x

LegacyUser

Hi all,
Thanks for the various responses...I have got some issues regarding trust, that is definitely a factor, what I am trying to work out is if it's the only factor, or if there is something else here...It is possible to be paranoid and be right sometimes as well !....


Since I posted last she finally admitted that she had been lying to me about the "White Lie" event, so that's a relief that she came clean, after some serious persuasion where I was really made to doubt myself...anyway that's cool now....

I still have a niggling feeling about another more serious suspicion about which I am worried...I'll just have to put it to the side I guess....


Someone asked how she reacted, she was very defensive and kept asking why I would think such a thing.....she has told me she found it heartbreaking and still hasn't quite gotten over it....


Things are going great between us and we get on incredibly well, maybe this is my untrusting paranoid side trying to sabotage a perfect relationship or maybe I am being misled....

metrovelvet

For her to be honest with you, she has to trust you also. She has to trust that you wont reject her or fly off the handle. Honesty demands safety.

People who lie, outside of con artists, usually lie because they are either ashamed, feel the truth isnt good enough, or they dont want to deal with your pain. Sometimes the other's pain is warrented and sometimes it really is just a pain in the ass.

Just another two cents.

LegacyUser

Yeah that's completely true, I told her I dont' care what she tells me as long as it's the truth....when she confessed to lying to me regarding the white lie I was delighted, as I felt we are getting somewhere...

On the flipside if it was that hard for her to confess to the smallest of issues, there is slim hope of her feeling safe to confess to anything greater....at the end of the day I don't want to second guess anyone....

Mu gut feeling with this girl is that she has something to hide from me, that she loves me desperately and wants to tell me but is terrified of losing me....so she never will....I am not ready to walk away over a gut feeling, based on the chance that I may be wrong....


Long story short, I suspected something happened between her and a mutual friend, lets call him Paul....never said it to her, one day I asked if she ever thought "Paul" had cheated on his girlfriend, she was sitting on a chair and her foot started to tap like crazy,...she was pretty adamant that he never would do it on his girlfriend...I changed topic, foot stops tapping....


Anyway, a few days later, I am in a bar with them both and I go to use the toilet, upon my return via a different door see her talking to him, and constantly watching the door she expected me to re-enter the area by....then when I arrive back in she is sitting back as if they were hardly talking....


I know I sound like a jealous Inspector Clueso but those two things struck me as odd....

Kanye

Sounds almost identical to my ex girlfriend. It doesn't help that you seem to be taking (logical) steps in your head that are making you suspicious, but I suspect that's some sort of self-preservation instinct that can't be helped.

Anyway, my best advice is to break things off and be happier for it. You'll only be miserable in the long-run because either (a) she won't tell you anything and you'll always suspect it and try to catch her out or (b) she tells you something and it destroys you/your relationship/the trust.

Either way, if you're finding yourself in a situation where you're constantly down about it, you have to get out of that situation. I was lucky enough that my situation only lasted 6/7 months.

daisybelle2008

Masked wrote: »

Yeah that's completely true, I told her I dont' care what she tells me as long as it's the truth....when she confessed to lying to me regarding the white lie I was delighted, as I felt we are getting somewhere...

On the flipside if it was that hard for her to confess to the smallest of issues, there is slim hope of her feeling safe to confess to anything greater....at the end of the day I don't want to second guess anyone....

Mu gut feeling with this girl is that she has something to hide from me, that she loves me desperately and wants to tell me but is terrified of losing me....so she never will....I am not ready to walk away over a gut feeling, based on the chance that I may be wrong....


Long story short, I suspected something happened between her and a mutual friend, lets call him Paul....never said it to her, one day I asked if she ever thought "Paul" had cheated on his girlfriend, she was sitting on a chair and her foot started to tap like crazy,...she was pretty adamant that he never would do it on his girlfriend...I changed topic, foot stops tapping....


Anyway, a few days later, I am in a bar with them both and I go to use the toilet, upon my return via a different door see her talking to him, and constantly watching the door she expected me to re-enter the area by....then when I arrive back in she is sitting back as if they were hardly talking....


I know I sound like a jealous Inspector Clueso but those two things struck me as odd....

You sound like a very insecure person with trust issues. Worringly this could manifest itself in you spying and ultimately trying to control her and generally driving yourself and her nuts..
I would agree you should break up, you are not in a good 'place' for a relationship and a very unhealthy pattern will develop here.
The interrogation over minor issues with no proof is just the start of where you are going with this.

Eve_Dublin

Gyalist wrote: »

Pay attention to your instinct. Something's not quite right and you know it. You just can't put your finger on the source of your unease.

This woman has been telling you exactly what sort of person she is. In the earliest interactions, people tend to reveal clearly what sort of person they are and how they want the relationship to progress. However, because we get caught up in the passion and lust we tend to let that override our good judgement. Men tend not to understand clearly what women are saying or blow it off as a joke.

IT IS NOT A JOKE!!

This woman is waving some large red flags at you!!

If a woman tells you that she is a "bad girl" or "very naughty" she is serious even if she tries to row it back later and say it was just lighthearted banter. She is in effect warning you as to the type of person that she is. When the self-destruction starts she will then blame you as in her mind she has already told you what sort of person she is and that by continuing the relationship you tacitly accepted her terms.

I'd be inclined to believe that, in your case, she is hiding a materially relevant part of her history from you.

Here's an example of something that women say that men tend to dismiss:

Woman (laughingly) says, "I'm high maintenance" or "I am a princess" or "I
like rich men."
She is not joking or being ironic or sarcastic. She is telling you that you have a gold-digger on your hands.

As for her calling you paranoid because you caught her out in her lies, this shows a very manipulative person. Be very careful. Always screen carefully before entering relationships and not be afraid to walk if you don't like what you find.

Calling yourself a "bad girl" is relative and has all kinds of connations that I´m guessing the OH´s girlfriend intended. For example, women often refer to themselves as a "bad girl" or "naughty" in the bedroom behind closed doors and this would imply that they´re sexually adventurous. Calling yourself a bad girl is not admitting you´re a bad person. I would call myself a "bad girl" because of some of the things I´ve done in the not so distant past....but this is not the same as admitting I´m a bad person. I´ve done nothing intentionally terrible to someone else....but I´ve done things some sectors of society and the law might frown upon but didn´t involve hurting someone else. It´s kind of a cheeky comment to be taken with a pinch of salt...and I´m guessing this is what the OP´s OH meant. I think this seems very obvious actually.

Admitting you like rich men (that´s just admitting a preference for a men with money and status and is not necessarily negative....men can be equally superficial about other things) or admitting your a "princess" is not the same as admitting you´re cunning or a liar or essentially bad. There´s a niavety in those comments and although they might be confessional and true, they wouldn´t turn all guys off immediately, like admitting you´re a bad person would. Some men might even find the honesty of this admission endearing whereas I think very few people would find someone admitting they like to torture puppies attractive (and if you´re a bad person, this could only be the tip of the iceberg).

OP, relax, you´re reading waaaaaaay too much into this girls actions. I´ve told many a white lie in my life as I´m guessing everyone has (or embellished the truth slightly) and I´ll tell many more, no doubt. We´re story tellers, we embellish the mundane to impress people we like. There´s a big difference between saying I´m a doctor, my dad was Phil Lynnot and I travel to work my hot air ballon everyday and just saying, "I play the guitar brilliantly (when you only know three cords)". She´s human so let her be human sometimes and let these ridiculous things slip. If you like this girl as much as you say you do, then her good qualities outweigh her bad. If this is NOT the case and you can never trust her, then finish it.

Oh and I´ve always found the bad guy/gal in films much more interesting than most of the samey characters churned out by Hollywood. I´m in awe of them in a kind of perverse way because they act in a way that I never could and it intrigues me to watch people their lives so completely opposite to mine and get away with it. I think that´s very human, actually. A bit like our on-going facination with the Nazi Regime. We´re disgusted, we can´t believe it happened and happened so recently, but we still tune into any documentary or film based on it.

That´s just what I think.

Eve_Dublin

Sorry Terodil, think I just kind of said what you said in different word...

Terodil

Firstly, I agree with most of what you said, Eve, just a few comments...

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Admitting you like rich men (that´s just admitting a preference for a men with money and status and is not necessarily negative....men can be equally superficial about other things) or admitting your a "princess" is not the same as admitting you´re cunning or a liar or essentially bad.

Well, it depends on what you define as 'bad'. To me that would be bad and an immediate turn-off, because it reeks of a degree of superficiality that I wouldn't want to put up with... but

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

I think very few people would find someone admitting they like to torture puppies attractive (and if you´re a bad person, this could only be the tip of the iceberg).

is pretty darn hot!

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

"I play the guitar brilliantly (when you only know three cords)". She´s human so let her be human sometimes and let these ridiculous things slip.

Ugh... tbh... I have a problem with what the opposite of 'insecurity' is generally understood to be -- and so also with this. Yes, I agree with you -- we do tend to embellish a few things, but turning yourself from a scrub into a pro (ironically) shows a sense of insecurity that's far more unattractive than if you had been honest about your merely budding skills (which I would consider endearing and actually interesting because it shows drive rather than accomplishment).

(Eve, I'm not saying you're a proponent of the ostentatious, almost exhibitionist peddling of one's own qualities -- I just mean to say that even so-called 'white' lies are still wrong and most importantly, counterproductive.)

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

If you like this girl as much as you say you do, then her good qualities outweigh her bad. If this is NOT the case and you can never trust her, then finish it.

Agreed!

And this...

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Oh and I´ve always found the bad guy/gal in films much more interesting than most of the samey characters churned out by Hollywood. I´m in awe of them in a kind of perverse way because they act in a way that I never could and it intrigues me to watch people their lives so completely opposite to mine and get away with it.

is so spot-on, for me as well.

I love (sometimes love-hate) evil people in books, especially if they're shown as intelligent, attractive, witty, superficially caring etc etc, but devious and thoroughly corrupted or egoistic. Usually more so, in a twisted sense, than the typically bland goody-goody-two-shoes hero or heroine. In roleplaying games, I will play ~50% of my games as a sophisticated, but throughly evil character. It's a fantasy, I would never do such things in real life, but it's fun, prickly, and an escapist way of overstepping bounds that you couldn't in real life. Nothing wrong with engaging in a bit of bad/naughty fantasy / play (e.g. in the bedroom), as long as you know that it is just that, and keep it that way.

LegacyUser

Hi all,
Thanks for all the responses and opinions offered. I would say that I am actually a very confident person, but that I have considerable trust issues. I appreciate that these issues can manifest themselves in terribly confusing fashion, leading me to see the world through a 'green' jealous lense. I am dealing with these issues, and have been getting professional help with this issue. The reason I came on here is to get a number of other viewpoints that maybe I can't see initially as my distrusting reflexes kick in.

I am doing my best to respectful of this girl, as we have the perfect, and I mean perfect combinbation otherwise. I don't grill her, I let her live her life, and actively encourage her to live and independent life of me, and I try to do the same, as that is the way a relationship should be. I am terribly aware of my own flaws, but I am not willing to succumb to them.


I am trying to be realistic here, so thanks for the responses. I will post in a few weeks and let you know how things progress.

magneticimpulse

yeah masked sort yourself out. you sound like your in the military not a boyfriend...analyzing when she taps her foot??? wtf?? thats freaky stuff. my ex kept analyzing me and kept making out i was sleeping with other people. turned out he was the one sleeping with other people. when we were on off he even gave me a box of condoms and said, here have safe sex?? i was like whats that meant to mean? have i even had sex now im single? no!!! let alone with anyone else when i was with him.

my ex seemed to have MAJOR issues from an ex girlfriend and i was being punished for whatever mistake or lies she made. im sorry but you sound to have completely lost the plot!!!

G-Money

I think by her saying she's a "bad girl" it can lead indirectly to thoughts that you can't trust her. Or make you think that she will eventually do something to hurt you. It really depends on the tone that it was said in I guess and what her personality is. I think if a girl started saying stuff like that to me, I'd be getting wary as I reckon she might stick with me for a while then f*** off with someone else and/or cheat on me.

I think any girl saying that to a guy would cause him to be suspicious or have doubts and I think it's naive (at best) to say otherwise.

petethebrick

You sound like a bit of a paranoid nut to me OP.
- I mean having doubts about someone based on TV characters they like wtf???
You need to relax, if you like this girl and are getting on well together why try to ruin it by acting so intense and paranoid. Again - relax!!!!

LegacyUser

I should have made it clearer, she said she had done some very bad things in the past.

Eve_Dublin

Terodil wrote: »

Firstly, I agree with most of what you said, Eve, just a few comments...

Well, it depends on what you define as 'bad'. To me that would be bad and an immediate turn-off, because it reeks of a degree of superficiality that I wouldn't want to put up with... but

is pretty darn hot!

Ugh... tbh... I have a problem with what the opposite of 'insecurity' is generally understood to be -- and so also with this. Yes, I agree with you -- we do tend to embellish a few things, but turning yourself from a scrub into a pro (ironically) shows a sense of insecurity that's far more unattractive than if you had been honest about your merely budding skills (which I would consider endearing and actually interesting because it shows drive rather than accomplishment).

(Eve, I'm not saying you're a proponent of the ostentatious, almost exhibitionist peddling of one's own qualities -- I just mean to say that even so-called 'white' lies are still wrong and most importantly, counterproductive.)


Agreed!

And this...

is so spot-on, for me as well.

I love (sometimes love-hate) evil people in books, especially if they're shown as intelligent, attractive, witty, superficially caring etc etc, but devious and thoroughly corrupted or egoistic. Usually more so, in a twisted sense, than the typically bland goody-goody-two-shoes hero or heroine. In roleplaying games, I will play ~50% of my games as a sophisticated, but throughly evil character. It's a fantasy, I would never do such things in real life, but it's fun, prickly, and an escapist way of overstepping bounds that you couldn't in real life. Nothing wrong with engaging in a bit of bad/naughty fantasy / play (e.g. in the bedroom), as long as you know that it is just that, and keep it that way.

Yep, I know what you´re saying. If someone admitted to being "a princess" or "high maintenance", I would immediately be turned off...but my point is not all men would be. Some men like to treat women like a princess, are happy enough to indulge these women´s every whim and wouldn´t really know how to handle a woman who´s low maintenance and independent financially.It´s a negative quality in our eyes but that´s subjective. I know plenty of guys going out with exceedingly high maintenance girlfriends and are willing to put up with it...but I think there´s very few men who´d go out with an out-and-out bad person.

Okay, no doubt this kind of lying or embellishment of the facts is an insecurity but perhaps I´m only speaking for myself (and maybe the OP´s OH) on this one then. I´ll be honest and say I´ve embellished stories in the past when I´ve met someone I´ve been attracted to out of nerves mainly and yeah, I guess out of an initial insecurity and a desire to be liked in return. This has usually happened at the initial stages. These weren´t premeditated fibs, they kind of slipped out and I immediately regretted saying them once I did. When I say white lies, I mean tiny little embellishments of the truth...I haven´t even lied to the extent of pretending to be a pro at playing an instrument...I´d usually play any kind of talents down actually. Typically Irish and self-deprecating. Okay, for example, I travelled around South America on my own for 11 months and I might just round that off to a year. Or the fact I found it a lot easier than some might expect because everyone pretty much follows the same route, you meet lots of people on the way to travel with, transport was good, I felt safe and was never attacked or mugged etc. I met a handsome man last week, he commented that I was very brave for doing this....and I didn´t challenge that comment by telling him it was actually a big, long holiday and a piece of pee for me. That kind of thing.

In the OP´s case, it really depends on the extent of these fibs or if it´s little ones he´s willing to let slide.

SarahSassy

magneticimpulse wrote: »

yeah masked sort yourself out. you sound like your in the military not a boyfriend...analyzing when she taps her foot??? wtf?? thats freaky stuff. my ex kept analyzing me and kept making out i was sleeping with other people. turned out he was the one sleeping with other people. when we were on off he even gave me a box of condoms and said, here have safe sex?? i was like whats that meant to mean? have i even had sex now im single? no!!! let alone with anyone else when i was with him.

my ex seemed to have MAJOR issues from an ex girlfriend and i was being punished for whatever mistake or lies she made. im sorry but you sound to have completely lost the plot!!!

I second this - OP you are coming across to me as very scary...

Eve_Dublin

masked wrote: »

I should have made it clearer, she said she had done some very bad things in the past.

Hmmm very ambiguously ominous. Did she tell you what kinds of things? Obviously if she´s done very bad things that are considered bad by all, then it´s up to you if you want to forgive her and on your conscience it lies. If she hasn´t told you what types of things she´s done, then I´d wonder why..and this would suggest they were pretty bad. If the person I was with did very bad things that caused another person to suffer extensively (besides from breaking someone´s heart), then I´d run a mile. If they were bad things that only hurt themselves (drugs and the likes), then I´d forgive her because I´m far from perfect myself. Does this just boil down to the fact that she´s a bit of a drama queen with all this, "I was a very bad girl" malarky? I personally couldn´t handle that. It´s a personal thing, OP and you really need to find out what she´s done before you can make a judgement here.

metrovelvet

If you are not careful you are going to get yourself into a vicious circle.

The more you act paranoid, the more she is going to sense it and feel hunted, and the less she will be above board and then you will have reason to be suspicious and then she will feel even more hunted etc etc until you find yourself stalking your own girlfriend.

Take it easy. Some girls just like to portray themselves as bad or worse then they are because it keeps you on your toes. The truly bad ones are much better at hiding it.

Eve_Dublin

metrovelvet wrote: »

Some girls just like to portray themselves as bad or worse then they are because it keeps you on your toes. The truly bad ones are much better at hiding it.

Agreed.

magneticimpulse

just dump here because im really getting fed up listening to your paranoid messages. everything is so vague and your actions freak me out let alone what your girlfriend must think.

relationships is all about trust, you dont have that. so break it off. its not because i think she is a bad person or has done anything wrong, its because i think your incapable of trusting her. which is worse? what you waiting for, someone to jump out with a sign that says haha gotcha?? just finish it and stop being crazy military detective

LegacyUser

Magnetic Impulse-I am looking for useful advice, not to be told I'm scary or that I'm upsetting you...don't bloody read it if you don't like it. I'm glad your so perfect.I never denied I had trust issues, I am dealing with it, I came on here looking for help, if that's your best attempt I can do without it.