Little Girls - Broken Hearts

LegacyUser

Am recently seperated, have 3 wonderful kids two of whom are very little and were pretty devestated by seperation. Things are settling down for the kids and they are happy. Untill now, ex dropped bombshell this week when asked what way he wanted to see kids over Christmas he has opted to work whole Christmas and won't see them at all. He had to work last year, he had no choice, but we told kids that if he worked last year he would be with them for next 3 Christmas's. He has just broken my little girls hearts again....They are devastated, particularly the 8 year old (daddy's girl).
I text him basically telling him he needed to look at his priorities, was v strong emotive text. I half regret it but my little ones can't speak up for themselves. Feel so sorry for my little ones. For me is fine cause he won't make my Christmas awkward. Not about me though is it?
Should I persue this and pressure him of just let it go?
Thanks

LegacyUser

Would you not call him on the phone instead of texting which, in fairness, is very juvinle, particularly when children are involved? Sounds like you both need to get over yourselves and remember that the children are better than being texted back and forth about. Go to mediation, get this sorted in an adult way and stop sending ratty texts about something this important. I'm always surprised when adult communicate about such important matters in such an immature way, although given how the two of you seem to act maybe I shouldn't be.
Go to mediation, work out an agreement and stick to it.

ash23

If there is one thing I learned (the hard way!), it's that you can't make someone do something.
Leave it. No point pressuring him as he will only see them over christmas if it's what he wants.
Instead focus on making Christmas special for the kids to help them.

I have offered to let ex have my daughter over Christmas 2 years running and he has refused both times. All you can do (for the kids sakes) is let him know he is welcome if there is a change in his plans.

Try not to make it out as such a negative thing for the kids. Tell them he will see them before christmas and in the new year and they can have another little christmas with dad then, when they can exchange gifts etc.
If you try to be positive about it then that positivity will rub off on them.

For eg, I told ex he was welcome to have little one (7) for the weekend before christmas, he was welcome to call over christmas morning for an hour or two, he could have her stephens day or over new years. Whatever suited him, I would try to accomodate.
He said he'd take her for a day the week before christmas and see her at some stage after the New Year :rolleyes:

But I didn't argue and didn't try and persuade him. Just bigged up my own plans for the little 'un and she doesn't seem to mind not seeing him over Christmas because we will be seeing other friends and family and doing other things.
On the other hand if I were arguing with him over not seeing her (which I have done before) then she would pick up on it (they are clever little creatures!)and be upset. They take their cues from their parents.

Easier said than done I know but put on the happy face

LegacyUser

I agree that our childrens needs and difficulties need to be worked out in a mature and adult way, I didn't mention that I did actually ring him first and asked him to try and make it down for some part of Christmas, but he refused to speak about it with me.

He is in a new relationship and now lives and works over 100 miles away. He will not communicate with me face to face. He made it clear he will not attend mediation and I am currently awaiting legal aid appointment to formalise seperation.
So the only way I have been able to communicate to arrange access etc is through phone calls and texts, they have on the whole worked well for us and have always been clear and civil sometimes even nice in their context and never ratty or juvenille.
The text I sent yesterday was polite and clear. I just explained that it's a very significant Christmas for them this year and he needs to put their needs ahead of his own needs.

If you re-read my post you will see that i am looking for advice on weather or not to let the Christmas access issue go or persue it. Is there any point? I posted my issue because I'm trying to help my children and am in need of good objective advice.
Communication is a two way process and I am restricted for now in my means of communicating with my ex. I am doing my best and trying to do what is right for my children.

To be honest you have no significant advice to offer me ,only judgemental comments on my communication methods. So I'd appreciate it if you'd keep them to yourself and please look at the advice you offer others, don't use boards to vent your own personal frustrations.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for your advice, that's exactly what I intend to do. I am not going to bring it up again with him, but I'll keep the invitation open for Christmas day and hope that if he doesn't take up the offer he'll make up for it. I have already planned on making it a super Christmas and am getting the girls surprise hamsters (yuch). Best of luck to you and your little one this Christmas, is it your first one seperated?
And even though it's a little early, Merry Christmas and best wishes for 2010.

ash23

Nope it's my second single Christmas. I was dreading last year but it was actually a really nice christmas, one of the best in a few years.

I'm in the same boat in terms of communication. Ex was with someone else and she has forbidden contact aside from email :rolleyes: which makes organising things difficult and means a lot of crossed wires and misread intent etc.

I have totally given up on trying to get him to do anything. Total waste of time and energy and only got me upset and the kiddo. I organise things the way I want them now, then fill him in and he can choose what he wants to do. I used to sort of try to arrange my plans around him but that left me upset when he wouldn't make the same effort if you know what I mean. I even ended up bringing the child to see his family as he wouldn't take her last year.

Now I'm doing things totally differently.
I have my plans and I have told him when she'll be at home and when he is welcome to call. If he wants he can. If not it's no difference to me as I'm not rearranging things or seeing my daughter let down.

It gets easier, you'll start caring less and less, the kids will adjust and not be so upset and so full of questions. It becomes more normal to be without him than with him.


My daughter was distraught when we broke up but she is fine now. She keeps trying to find me a new boyfriend It's amazing how much easier it gets. I found the "first" of everything the hardest. Actually, scrap that! It was the thoughts of the first of everything. The actual events were fine! Christmas, birthdays, would be anniversaries...for weeks before I'd be stressing and worrying about how terrible they were going to be and then they'd arrive and it'd be fine, great even!

Best of luck and I hope you and the kids have a lovely Christmas!

LegacyUser

Ash 23, the message I posted was for "grow up" and not aimed at your reply, I just wanted to clarify that. And apologies I reailse that this is not your 1st Christmas in this position, so again thanks for your great advice.

LegacyUser

I'm so glad it was a happy Christmas for you both last year, and I find that very reassuring. To be honest our last Christmas wasn't great. So this one will have to be an improvement.

Like you I think it's the thoughts of these things that are worse than the events.

I am learning though, I had been basing all our plans etc., around his schedule.
Is the worst thing in the world to see your children hurting.
So he will just have to fit in with our lives from now on.

Best of luck to you both and maybe if you little one asks Santa for a nice new man for her Mammy he'll oblige..
Take Care

opinion guy

Can I give a little advice that's slightly off-topic?

Having seen a friend recently have difficulties relating to ex and access to their daughter etc, I'd STRONGLY advise that you keep a written record of any problems you are having with your ex with regard to making arrangements to mind/collect/deliver the little one, getting child support etc etc etc etc. I say this because if you get to point of legality and deciding custody etc etc etc, if you have a record of all this stuff. For example if you can say: as of 20th Nov he owes 2000EUR in unpaid child support, on 20th november he was due to pick her up from school and worked late instead, or whatever it may be - having a record of all that would be of great help if there were any formal custody arrangements to be made

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice, my sister just mentioned the same thing last night. I have just started keeping a diary of the but am missing some information details, I'll keep going though. Seems such a clynical way to end up but I suppose it's what needs to be done to protect my family.
Thanks again.

seahorse

Hi Sadmammy; I can kind of relate because I'm a single mother also. I haven't read all the responses, but if I were you I'd pull out all the stops and do all in my power to ensure that he faced his emotional responsibilities towards his kids; they're every bit and probably more important than his financial ones.

Your kids, especially your eight year old, really need thier dad this Christmas and every Christmas and I wouldn't be letting him forget that lightly if I were you. In fact in your shoes I'd be so annoyed I'd be likely to get him by the... Oh no wait, I can't say that cause it'd get me banned!

Best of luck to you and I hope you and your girls have a happy Christmas one way or the other.

martdalto

Absolutely, 100% agree with everything ash advises. In particular the part about kids taking their leads from us. If you start telling them something and, start out like it's bad news, they will take it as bad news. If you "big it up" as something different and exciting (another little Christmas with dad for example) they will go with you. They might still be a bit disappointed, understandably, but if you don't wallow, they won't either.

Just be careful about promising them specific days that their dad is going to show up.. because he mightn't! Don't tell them on Monday that he is collecting them the following Thursday or Friday etc, wait until you are definite that he is on his way, and then tell them.

It's a pain in the backside having to be the one that picks up the pieces, but unfortunately, you can't make your ex do anything. So the best you can do is work with what you have - but if possible, no matter what happens or how ever often plans change tell the kids with a happy face and try turn it into a positive.. easier said than done, I'm sure!

Beruthiel

OP

When my daughter was 7 I seperated from her father.
From then on we took alternate days - One of us got Christmas Day every second year and the other St. Stephen's Day.

Can ye not come to some sort of arrangement like the above?
Even if he has to work over Christmas, can he not just take one day for them?

opinion guy

Can ye not come to some sort of arrangement like the above?
Even if he has to work over Christmas, can he not just take one day for them?

I think the point is that he doesn't want to and is refusing to engage with her

nesbitt

Hi Sadmammy,

I am seperated for a few years now, 1st Christmas ex did the wounded duck routine on us and opted to 'work' and not see us over Christmas (read sulk) and nearly as far as New Year. I handled it in a diplomatic way and said well if you change your mind call over for dinner etc. we can always set another place at the table etc. He did not call but phoned drunk on Christmas day.....

Anyway 2nd Christmas was much better with a lot of water under the bridge that year. I do think some of the progress made is down to my stoic diplomacy and 'we will carry on anyway attitude', live and let live etc.:)

I agree with others here that you should log these events and issues sadly that is sometimes necessary when dealing with toxic ex.

I would say have a good Christmas with your friends and family, don't shut him out but don't be messed about either. Always have a plan B option for when your ex lets the kids down that way you can step into the breach without them being too hurt. Believe me as they get older kids really know whats going on, teenagers have a great sense of letting adults know the truth whether they want it or not.

Life moves on and it wont always be this raw, annoying and disruptive. All the best.

LegacyUser

To all , thanks so much for taking the time to reply to my post.

Opinion guy you are bang on the money, he won't engage and sticks his head in the sand, it was always his way of dealing with things he found difficult.
He's an ostritch and someday someone will come along while he's in this position ,and kick him up the arse..
And I hope I'm there to see it.

Beruthiel I'd love to have the arrangement you have, even if he might take the kids for a few hours but he has chosen to work, (he had Christmas off and the kids knew this)

Nesbitt, Martdalto, Ash23 and Seahorse, I will take on board all of your great advice.
I will try to be best example of " stoic diplomacy " I can be, following nesbitts advice. I will keep the door open for him, and keep positive and upbeat.
And I will always have a plan B.

I have promised the kids a very special christmas.
I brought them into the petshop yesterday and I let them pick their hamsters so they are all excited and now the "daddy thing" is not the 1st thing they think of when Christmas is mentioned, he's been sidelined for a pair of rodents ha ha.....

Again you advice is greatly appreciated, it is absolute gold to me, as I don't have anyone I know that's been in this situation.

I'll probably be shot for saying this but Merry Christmas to you and you're loved ones and Best Wishes.

Beruthiel

sadmammy wrote: »

Beruthiel I'd love to have the arrangement you have, even if he might take the kids for a few hours but he has chosen to work, (he had Christmas off and the kids knew this.

If he does not get or understand how important it is to make good memories with his children for them to look back on. If he doesn't actually care about that. Then there isn't a damn thing you can do.
I don't get or understand how any parent would do that, but there is no point you banging your head off a brick wall.
He's a grown man, he shouldn't need you telling him how to behave towards his children. It should come to him naturally at this stage.
He is selfish and is only thinking of himself.
Leave him to it and give those girls the best damn Christmas you can!

ash23

^^ +1

Just think, in years to come, when your kids think back on their fondest memories, they will be memories shared with you that he has missed out on.
You have the best bits, the kids. It's tough going and at times it might feel like he is the one with the best of everything (kids are a drain on our resources, financially, emotionally and time wise) but they pay it back a billion times over.

Chin up and every time the negative creeps in, just think about putting up the tree, leaving out the cookies for Santa, their faces on Christmas morning......

He's made his choice (the wrong one imo) but he will be the one missing out and you will be the one with all the happiness.
It's damn hard being a single parent, especially with a reluctant/absent other parent. But they're worth it (most of the time )

opinion guy

he's been sidelined for a pair of rodents ha ha.....

LMAO!!! :D:D

LegacyUser

Guys your support is greatly appreciated,, because of all your encouragement my kids are in flying form and all excited about Christmas as am I.

Beruthiel, I'm only really seeing him for what he really is in the last while????? I was so blind.

Am considering it a lucky escape, as me and the kids are much happier now then we were this time last year.

Take care x