No freedom in house-share

LegacyUser · 15-11-2009 1:01pm #1

I can't believe I'm posting this, but this issue is wrecking my head and I just want to see what others think about it.

I'm currently renting a room in a house-share in south Dublin with five other people. It's a big house, but the walls between the rooms are paper thin so every creak in the floorboards is heard etc.

I've been here nearly two years and get on well with all housemates - we're all pretty civil and respectful towards one another.

Last night I went out and brought a guy home. This is my first time doing this in all my time living here, but we got back at about 4am and had sex.

I don't think we were particularly loud, but it was a Saturday night, most of my flatmates have gone home for the weekend, and we did the deed, and whoever was in the house would have heard it. Just like I have heard some of my flatmates at it on a regular basis.

This morning I get a text from my landlord, which was sent to all tenants, saying 'if I hear about any more disturbances, or abusive behaviour in the house, day or night, I will call over with the Gardai and evict the culprit with immediate effect. I will not have ordinary decent tenants feeling unsafe in their own home.'

I am baffled, upset and p1ssed off at this, as I cannot think of what else she is referring to if not my activities last night. We came home, he went to the bathroom, we went to my room, chatted and had sex for about an hour. How is this abusive, or making anyone else feel unsafe?

Standard enough behaviour for a Saturday night I would have thought, and my first time to do it since I moved in, with the house more than half empty.

I now feel like I want to move out, if I am going to be unable to relax or feel free to bring anyone home in the future, for fear of being evicted.

What should I do, and what are other people's takes on this? Has anyone faced this same issue in a house share?

StormWarrior · 15-11-2009 1:12pm

I personally wouldn't call bringing random men home for sex "standard behaviour for a Saturday night." Perhaps another tenant felt unsafe having a strange man in the house at that hour, there have been plenty of news stories and stories in magazines of women bringing men back to their place and the man robs the house or rapes someone. Not to mention I wouldn't be happy being woken up at 4am by that. Just learn your lesson and don't do it again if you don't want to be evicted. And btw, talking and having sex at 4am when you know others who are trying to sleep can hear you, I would call that abusive.

fend · 15-11-2009 1:23pm

I disagree, How did your housemates know it was a total "randomer"? For all they know it could have been one of your friends/someone you knew.

If your relationship with everyone else in the house is grand, there should be no problem is discussing this with them?

A simple "What was the text message about?" will suffice. If they reply they do not know, ask them was it anything to do with you bringing your fella phone... Get to the bottom of it. Obviously someone had a problem with you doing this and in it will only eat you up inside wondering who it was if you don't address this issue.

If, like you said, the others do this on a regular basis, and on this one Saturday night, for the first time in your record of being in the house you do it, explain you feel it is unfair that YOU should have to put up with everyone else's behavior on any other night when you are just as equally allowed to have people over. Tell them you willl have no problem calling the landlord the next time any of them feel the need to have sex or have "randomers you dont know" around until all hours.

If you are all going to live in the same house, then you should all at least live by the same rules. If they can bring their significant others around, then why shouldn't you.

I would address this straight away. What happens if you wish to bring your significant other over again? Or the the landlord throws you out of the house the next time? For what? for having sex? For bringing a friend over? Unless they physically or verbally harmed another house tenant, then no.

StormWarrior · 15-11-2009 1:30pm

She said she'd heard the others having sex, she didn't say she'd heard them come home at 4am and start doing it. It doesn't sound like this was her "significant other" and there is a danger in bringing random people home who you met on a night out. Maybe another flatmate was worried they'd be faced with some random man wandering around half-dressed, not everyone would feel comfortable with that. But the main thing as far as I can see is coming home at 4am and being noisy at that hour when you know they can hear. Maybe time to sit all the people down and work out some house rules you're all happy with?

fabbydabby · 15-11-2009 1:34pm

Keep that text message, do not delete it.

Your landlord is not entitled to 'get the gardaí and evict you'. This is totally illegal and essetially just scaremongering on his part. In order to evict you, he must go through the private residential tenancies board which enforces legislatioin that is heavily weighted in favour of the tenant. This process can take MONTHS, if not, years.

There have been cases of Landlords throwing out tenants without following the due process and the tenants end up getting reinstated free of charge and getting a significant payout from the landlord for damages.

The law is set up so that you can rent a home without feeling all the time like you are going to get turfed out on the street.

The reason I know this is because I am an ex landlord.

It is none of his, or anyone else on here's business what you do on a Saturday night, and whether or not this is standard behaviour is totally irrelevant to this matter.

You have significant rights in this matter. Check out the website www.prtb.ie or the tenants organisation www.threshold.ie but if you are seeking resultion from the PRTB, don't expect results this side of 2011, it is a farce of an organisation.

There are plenty of PRTB determination rulings on their site from lots of different dispute, have a read through them for a flavour of the system.

Thats the legality.

From a personal point of view, I would be of the opinion that this landlord is a spineless b*****d who can't even ring you or call over for a chat to air his/ her grievances and needs to do so by text.

I strongly suggest you do you homework, find you what your rights are (you have lots of rights, much more than your landlord does) and give him a call to find out exactly what his fking problem is, the fking pr1ck.

fend · 15-11-2009 1:42pm

here here 110% agree with fabbydaddy.

So what if she hadn't heard them doing it at 4am? Maybe she has... And if not 4am? Then what about 11pm? 7am? 3pm?

Strange men can parade through peoples houses at ANY time of the day, and I do believe rapes and other offenses don't just happen though the night. I am just as convinced that if the OP had brought someone back at 2 o clock in the afternoon and had sex, the same thing would have occurred.

Im pretty certain the housemates have brought people back during the day also that the OP may not have know. Regardless, the OP should is allowed to have whoever they wish come back with them. Her house guest did not verbally attack another housemate, did not physically attack another housemate, and they did not wreck the common areas of the house or trash the place. This was int he privacy of the OP's own paid for room, in their own home.

LegacyUser · 15-11-2009 2:14pm

Hi Op,

It does sound strange that the landlord said this was abusive behaviour, unless you were screaming at the top of your lungs. Is there others in the house who have never done this and maybe they are sick of hearing it.

TBH i wouldnt want to live in a house like this as i like my privacy in my room and hearing others have sex around the house would make me feel uncomfortable especially if i was woken up by it.

I think its time to move on from this place, if you want to have more guys over in future i think it would be better that you found a place with thicker walls so you could respect the house and the other people that live there because i think anyone who thinks others can hear them at 4am is not being very respectful, just because others have done it does not make it alright IMO, but you could find somewhere else to live where you can be private about having sex and where you an have your space which you are in-titled to but its not nice to continue thinking that this is all an ok set up when clearly others in the house are upset by it.

Denerick · 15-11-2009 2:29pm

If its a one off, fair enough, but if one of my flatmates brought someone home, had sex and made a lot of noise at 4 in the morning I would rightly be pissed. I'd be half inclined to barge in and tell them to quieten down.

StormWarrior · 15-11-2009 2:31pm

The fact is that making noise that you know others can hear (especially spending a whole hour talking and having sex) at 4am when you know people are trying to sleep is just downright inconsiderate, and makes me wonder what other disturbances she may have caused in the past. Perhaps this was the last straw for whoever reported her? Let's not forget we only have the OP's side of the story. Had you been drinking OP? Maybe you don't realise just how loud and annoying you may have been? People don't usually complain to their landlords for no good reason. Why don't you just sit down with your housemates and work out house rules that everyone is happy with?

StormWarrior · 15-11-2009 2:33pm

fend wrote: »

Im pretty certain the housemates have brought people back during the day also that the OP may not have know. Regardless, the OP should is allowed to have whoever they wish come back with them.

If they did so and she didn't know, maybe it's because they were being quiet. Evidently the OP was not being quiet, which is the problem. The OP may have whoever they wish back with them but that doesn't mean she has the right to act loudly and disturb the others at a time when people are sleeping.

Eve_Dublin · 15-11-2009 2:47pm

StormWarrior wrote: »

If they did so and she didn't know, maybe it's because they were being quiet. Evidently the OP was not being quiet, which is the problem. The OP may have whoever they wish back with them but that doesn't mean she has the right to act loudly and disturb the others at a time when people are sleeping.

But it was a weekend night, most housemates had gone home, she doesn´t do this very often if at all. I´d say 99% of one night stands with randomers in Ireland never result in trouble. You´re being slightly paranoid there, StormWarrior. If it was a regular occurance, the housemates have a right to be peed off but just for the sake of getting along, would you not let her off the hook just this once? If you share with other people, particularly five other people, you have to make allowances for the occasional bit of noise. I think it´s incredibly sneaky and a total overreaction to approach the landlord first instead of having a quiet word with the OP. This would be the normal, rational thing to do. Your housemate sounds like the ultimate party-pooper and it sounds as if he or she was a little bit resentful and acted upon that feeling instead of giving you a break or approaching you themselves.

I would definitely consider moving house. Too much bad air for it to feel like home.

LegacyUser · 15-11-2009 2:54pm

For clarification, I am not a 'noisy' flatmate and even for acts like going to the bathroom late at night I am always conscious of keeping it down and not waking other flatmates.

In fact, other housemates coming home late at night or getting up early and prancing around downstairs like a horse extremely p1sses me off and makes me even more aware of the need to be as discrete as possible.

I'm by no means perfect, and will admit that I had a few to drink last night and was more uninhibited with the sex, because as far as I was aware, there was no-one at home.

I would actually rather someone had burst in on me last night, however embarrassing it would have been, rather than texting my landlord and getting me reprimanded in this way. I feel like I'm being treated like a naughty school girl and I'm 24 years old, perfectly within my rights to have sex in the privacy of my room with whomever I choose.

Admittedly, I clearly should have kept it down, but the 'gardai' and 'eviction', for what is essentially a one-off incident???

implausible · 15-11-2009 3:17pm

Wow, there's a couple of problems here. First of all, one of your housemates rang the landlord instead of speaking to you. Second of all, he sent a text message, talk about another spineless git! Thirdly, he has no right, as other posters have said, to throw you out for this.

Ask your housemates what the message was about and if they got it (probably didn't). Mention that you thought it would have been more appropriate if he/she had just spoken to you about it, you didn't mean to make anyone 'feel unsafe'. It's a bit rich when you have heard other people at it.

In fairness, despite what other posters have said, it's pretty much standard in a house of 5 people that one or more of them will bring someone home at some stage on a Saturday night. You've never done it before and when you did, it was on a night when the house was nearly empty.

You're living with a right drama queen by the sound of it, who didn't complain before, but decided to on a night when some of the other housemates were away.

fend · 15-11-2009 3:41pm

At least you can narrow it down to the person who "taddle tailed" on you. Talking about his issue will cause friction, there is no doubt about that. very rarely do these things ever work out and go back to normal the next day, im sorry to say....

Perhaps its time to move on and move out?

You can't be forced to be step on eggshells in your own home. I'm aware moving out shouldn't even be an option here, but threats like this are outrageous and just prove what a numpty your landlord is!!!

mood · 15-11-2009 5:17pm

fabbydabby gave good advice.

If it was me I would just move out. Less stress, less hassle, hopefully nicer house mates and ticker walls.

It was OTT for your house mate to ring the landlord considering others bring home people. How did he/she even know you just meet this guy! You could be seeing him months or you could have got back with a long term ex. If you were doing it ever weekend it would be different.

15-11-2009 5:45pm

On one hand, I think it's pretty selfish to bring randomers back to a shared house. I've lived with girls who did it and it does make you feel uncomfortable - not only did I have my laptop and other possessions around, but I don't particularly want to bump into a strange man (and several times, strange naked man) in the middle of the night in my pyjamas. It's just really awkward and it does make you feel uncomfortable in your own home. Also, having noisy sex is inconsiderate, and the 'I thought no-one was home' excuse is lame. If you live in a shared house, you should always anticipate someone being home. I know myself I've felt silly after spending all night whispering and tiptoeing around only to realise the place was empty, but better to be considerate than not.

Saying that, people do have lives and bringing someone back the ODD time isn't really unreasonable. It's always annoying, but I'd say it's something you have to expect in a houseshare. And if your flatmates did have a problem with it, they should have said it to you, not the landlord. I would have very little patience for such childish, tittle tattling behaviour. And talking about the gardai and eviction is ridiculous. Even if you were screaming loudly, it was the one time. Nobody is always the perfect flatmate. I'd tell your flatmates this, that you don't appreciate being reported to the landlord for having noisy sex once, and that it won't be happening again.

mood · 15-11-2009 5:51pm

When the other have brought people home then the OP should be able to do the same. They can't have one rule for her and another for themselves.

I wonder if the person who rang the landlord has ever brought home anyone!

Zaph · 15-11-2009 5:52pm

Is it possible that this was just coincidence and the landlord is actually referring to something completely different? As long as you're quiet about it I don't think bringing someone home for sex is unreasonable behaviour if that's what you want to do, especially as it was the first time in 2 years. I'd be inclined to have a chat with your housemates first and find out what's going on. If none of them own up to contacting the landlord, a quick text to him asking for clarification as you don't know what his text refers to would be the next step.

scarymoon1 · 15-11-2009 6:17pm

if i were in this situation id move out. Who do they think they are to tell the landlord and they do it all the time?? Maybe they secretly want you out anyway and this is their excuse? Or the person who rang is just a bitter dried up bore! As you say in your title - NO FREEDOM in house share - why would you want to stay with people like that! Yeah its a hassle to move but if it were me - id want to live with more easy going people.

Didymus · 15-11-2009 6:57pm

Just so they have as little as possible to throw at you, I'd lie and say you did know him.

If they want peace and quiet, they should pay more rent and live with less people.

I have lived with lots of people and if ever I heard them having sex during the night, I'd make sure to try and get a look at them the next day to slag them over whether they were minging or a good score.

I mean, what were you supposed to do, get a garda clearance on him before you brought him into the house??? Come on. I expect your own personal screening of him was good enough if you brought him home;)

If they did text your landlord, you are living with thee biggest prude in the planet and no amount of talking to them will win them over. But I'd still recommend talking to them so to stand your ground as adults and don't let them make you feel bad about it, you did NOTHING wrong.

Thoie · 15-11-2009 10:16pm

If the walls are that thin, are you sure it wasn't a neighbour who complained to the landlord, and not a housemate? It's also possible if you only got home at 4am that there could have been earlier disturbances that had been quietened down by the time you got home, only for you to start up at 4am.

I'd start with asking around the housemates to see if anyone knows what disturbance was being referred to.

Toots · 15-11-2009 10:46pm

Thoie wrote: »

If the walls are that thin, are you sure it wasn't a neighbour who complained to the landlord, and not a housemate? It's also possible if you only got home at 4am that there could have been earlier disturbances that had been quietened down by the time you got home, only for you to start up at 4am.

I'd start with asking around the housemates to see if anyone knows what disturbance was being referred to.

Good point. OP, you say you've heard other housemates at it before, so if the neighbours could regularly hear the people in your house having sex, your night could have just been the straw that broke the camel's back. If nobody in the house knows what disturbance was being referred to, I'd agree with Zaph's suggestion to text or phone the landlord and ask exactly what happened to spark off this text.

LegacyUser · 15-11-2009 11:00pm

Just to put this thread to bed...

False alarm! It turns out the text referred to another flatmate, his mates and a shouting match a few hours before I came home. So noisy sex not the culprit on this occasion!!

Thanks for all your insight nonetheless!

dudara · 15-11-2009 11:36pm

flatmate1 wrote: »

Just to put this thread to bed...

False alarm! It turns out the text referred to another flatmate, his mates and a shouting match a few hours before I came home. So noisy sex not the culprit on this occasion!!

Thanks for all your insight nonetheless!

Glad to hear it. I must admit that this was the first thought that crossed my mind upon reading this post - that you'd been caught in crossfire. Glad to hear it's all OK now.

No freedom in house-share

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