Suicidal Mother

LegacyUser

Don't know what I expect to get from this but really feel the need to vent as I don't feel as if I can talk to anyone outside my family about this. Please bear with me as I know this post will be a bit long.

This month 9 years ago my father passed away from a brief and painful struggle with cancer. My mother-who suffers from general ill health, depression and alcoholisim and drank before she met my dad-proceeded to sink even further as the bereavement just made things worse.

I moved out straight away after my leaving cert to work and save up before college, couldnt stay at home because my mother is quite an abusive drunk both verbally and physically. After my mothers drinking got worse I eventually sought out counselling at college. Counsellor suggested i take a step back from shouldering my mother as a burden by myself and also go to alanon and im still trying to find the strength to go but thats another story.

Basically the long and short of it is I have made it clear to my mother and my two aunts that my relationship with my mother will not improve til she gets herself sorted out. I see her a handful of times a year. I can't deal with her, she erodes away at my patience, self esteem and sense of self worth at every chance she gets. Sober she is a tad more bearable,almost likeable but the underlying depression is still there and she isnt exactly in the best form most of the time.

This evening my aunt rang me to tell me my mother is suicidal. I suspect with my dad anniversary imminent, this may be causing it. My family are constantly giving me grief about how i dont visit (im on the other end of the country in college doing a really intensive masters) that I dont call,and basically sugggesting I don't care.

For me its hard to have a conversation with a raging alcoholic and recieve earfuls of shouting and abuse down the phone, it puts me in bad form for hours maybe days even after conversing or spending any amount fo time in her company. It literally stresses me out to the point of getting migraines when i knew a visit home at the weekend was imminent.

I don't know what the hell my family expect of me. Am i supposed to sort her out? and make her all of a sudden not suicidal? I have told them she needs to get help,but this will never happen as my mother is in denial about everything.

Now I fear, God Forbid should she do anything, that I am going to get pinned with the blame from my family.

Kevster

Hi,

It certainly sounds like the family is passing the responsibility for her (mother) onto you, which is entirely unfair. What i suggest you do is arrange to meet with your aunt to discuss how to proceed with this issue. Be completely honest with her and say that you have tried to help her before but nothing/little has changed.

I know that you love your mother, but there really does come a time when enough has to be enough. I don't think that time has quite arrived yet, and there are a few more avenues to explore. Firstly, please try what I mentioned about and see if anything positive comes from it. You could also seek advice from your local GP. I mean, if a pesron (i.e. your mother) is in a suicidal state, then it effectvely means that the responsibility she has for herself can be passed to someone else, be that a relative, doctor, or otherwise.

Kevin

Danniboo

worried_1 wrote: »

This evening my aunt rang me to tell me my mother is suicidal. I suspect with my dad anniversary imminent, this may be causing it. My family are constantly giving me grief about how i dont visit (im on the other end of the country in college doing a really intensive masters) that I dont call,and basically sugggesting I don't care.

Sorry hope you dont mind me saying but your aunts need to pull their heads out of the clouds. Seems they don't want to deal with this. I am in a situation similar to yours and my aunts and grandparents have been so supportive. You need to tell them your whatever age, you are the child not the adult and that you need to live your own life. They are the adults in the situation, i'm not saying you're a child as in 12 or that but you know what I mean. But it is as much their responsibility as it is yours, if not more so. I am sure you love your mam but that doesn't mean you have to love what she's doing. You are NOT responsible for her and if someone is suicidal they need professional help, and you can't stop her feeling this way only she can do that. You are a young woman starting out in life and you have the right to make a life for yourself without having to deal with the worry of your mam doing something stupid. You're aunts are very selfish for putting such a burden on your shoulders. Can I ask is there any small children in the house or are you an only child.

Beruthiel

worried_1 wrote: »

I don't know what the hell my family expect of me.

In fairness, they have no right to expect anything of you.

Am i supposed to sort her out?

No.
You are not.
She is a grown adult and is 100% responsible for her actions and behaviour.

and make her all of a sudden not suicidal?

Again. Only she can decide on her own actions.
You are not your mothers keeper.
In the normal course of a parent/child relationship, no parent has a child in order that they will take care of them later in life.
That type of thinking is grossly selfish.

I am going to get pinned with the blame from my family.

What a cop out.
Your mother is to blame for how her life turned out. You are not.

LegacyUser

Yeah I am an only child I'm afraid. Under duress from my aunt I rang her the next morning and she seemed fine. I really think shes just looking for attention with dads anniversary this coming week.

I have told my family numerous times she needs to face up to her own demons but they come at me with "oh shes lonely" and "blood is thicker than water". I don't know where they find the patience to deal with her because I have zero tolerance for her behaviour and attitude, and after years of trying im spent.

Danniboo

worried_1 wrote: »

Yeah I am an only child I'm afraid. Under duress from my aunt I rang her the next morning and she seemed fine. I really think shes just looking for attention with dads anniversary this coming week.

I have told my family numerous times she needs to face up to her own demons but they come at me with "oh shes lonely" and "blood is thicker than water". I don't know where they find the patience to deal with her because I have zero tolerance for her behaviour and attitude, and after years of trying im spent.

Well look at the positive side of this, if you had a young sibling in the house you'd spend your time probably worrying and looking after them. I really don't understand your familys attitude, sounds to me like they're in denial as well as your mam possible "Enablers". Do they think by you visiting that she'll stop drinking or something. Not going to happen. I completely understand why you have zero tolerance, you don't have to tolerate this behaviour. Have you ever considered Alanon it might give you a bit of comfort.

LegacyUser

Danniboo wrote: »

Well look at the positive side of this, if you had a young sibling in the house you'd spend your time probably worrying and looking after them. I really don't understand your familys attitude, sounds to me like they're in denial as well as your mam possible "Enablers". Do they think by you visiting that she'll stop drinking or something. Not going to happen. I completely understand why you have zero tolerance, you don't have to tolerate this behaviour. Have you ever considered Alanon it might give you a bit of comfort.

yeah my counsellor recommended alanon but iv chickened out of going a few times even when friends offered to go with me. I don't know what to expect at an alanon meeting so I guess thats part of it. Part of me thinks id break down in floods of tears if anyone asked me to speak or anything.

I don't think its denial so much as they will just leave her to her own devices for fear of backlash as you never know how she will react. So for peace sake I think they just go along with it. We talked of an intervention but I think they have to be sober for that and theres no timing when she will or wont be drinking so feel like were stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Emme

worried_1 wrote: »

Yeah I am an only child I'm afraid. Under duress from my aunt I rang her the next morning and she seemed fine. I really think shes just looking for attention with dads anniversary this coming week.

I have told my family numerous times she needs to face up to her own demons but they come at me with "oh shes lonely" and "blood is thicker than water". I don't know where they find the patience to deal with her because I have zero tolerance for her behaviour and attitude, and after years of trying im spent.

I'm an only child as well and have been in a similar situation. I don't mean to be arrogant but I am probably better qualified than anyone here to advise you. My father is depressive and my mother has a heart condition that flares up any time she is looking for attention. I have wasted years of my life trying to solve their problems and am still trying to get off the blocks - I'm in my late 30s.

I got the hassle from aunts as well. One Christmas I didn't go home as they had been really unfair to me and Christmas with them is hell anyway. The aunts rang me daily and when my mother ended up in hospital from the "strain" of me not coming home for Christmas they really gave me hell. Another time my father had attempted to strangle me and I didn't go down there for 6 weeks. That time one of the aunts invited me to her place for the weekend on the pretext of giving me sympathy and advice but the minute I walked in the door she gave me a lecture telling me my mother needed me - I still had bruises on my neck from the attack!

I know it sounds harsh, but focus on yourself and your masters and forget your mother. Otherwise you will never have a life and will end up like me, late 30s, full of regrets and getting bitter. If I'm scaring you then good. Focus on your masters and when you get it emigrate and make a life for yourself abroad. Tell the aunts to f*** off.

You will get nothing out of the situation by being nice and doing the right thing. Do the right thing by yourself and f*** everyone else. They don't care how the situation is affecting you so you have to look out for No. 1 - that's yourself in case you need reminding. Believe me, I needed reminding many times as I ended up putting my family first and paying the price for it.

I'd pm you only you're not registered here. Take care and look out for yourself. You have only one life - it's yours, don't let anyone else hijack any more of it.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

I'm an only child as well and have been in a similar situation. I don't mean to be arrogant but I am probably better qualified than anyone here to advise you. My father is depressive and my mother has a heart condition that flares up any time she is looking for attention. I have wasted years of my life trying to solve their problems and am still trying to get off the blocks - I'm in my late 30s.

I got the hassle from aunts as well. One Christmas I didn't go home as they had been really unfair to me and Christmas with them is hell anyway. The aunts rang me daily and when my mother ended up in hospital from the "strain" of me not coming home for Christmas they really gave me hell. Another time my father had attempted to strangle me and I didn't go down there for 6 weeks. That time one of the aunts invited me to her place for the weekend on the pretext of giving me sympathy and advice but the minute I walked in the door she gave me a lecture telling me my mother needed me - I still had bruises on my neck from the attack!

I know it sounds harsh, but focus on yourself and your masters and forget your mother. Otherwise you will never have a life and will end up like me, late 30s, full of regrets and getting bitter. If I'm scaring you then good. Focus on your masters and when you get it emigrate and make a life for yourself abroad. Tell the aunts to f*** off.

You will get nothing out of the situation by being nice and doing the right thing. Do the right thing by yourself and f*** everyone else. They don't care how the situation is affecting you so you have to look out for No. 1 - that's yourself in case you need reminding. Believe me, I needed reminding many times as I ended up putting my family first and paying the price for it.

I'd pm you only you're not registered here. Take care and look out for yourself. You have only one life - it's yours, don't let anyone else hijack any more of it.

Thanks for your reply and I don't think your being arrogant atall. I have another friend who is also a counsellor and shes told me the same things.
Go to alanon. Dont let your family guilt trip you and you are not responsible for your mothers decisions.
My mother just text me asking me if I was going to my dads mass on Sunday, I can't make it because I have other commitments and im snowed under with other college work, no doubt I will get a truckload of grief from everyone in my family about it but I shouldnt have to tell them that I don't need to go to an anniversary mass to remember my dad, I think about him every day and hes with me all the time. Thats not how they will see it though.

BTW I am a registered user here and I appreciate the offer to PM, just going unregged for this one.

dudara

Look, you know you love your mother (underneath it all) and you don't need your family guilting you. They're trying to pass the buck here and bring you back into the fold, so as to ease their own guilt/conscience. They're as responsible for her as you are.

There really is only so far you can go in supporting someone who doesn't want to help themselves. It's a brave thing to do but you've made that call.

username123

worried_1 wrote: »

yeah my counsellor recommended alanon but iv chickened out of going a few times even when friends offered to go with me. I don't know what to expect at an alanon meeting so I guess thats part of it. Part of me thinks id break down in floods of tears if anyone asked me to speak or anything.

Youre aunties etc...Theyre all enabling the alcoholism. Youve done the right thing getting away and living your own life. Im still being blamed for my own fathers alcoholism by his siblings who havent a clue how the family dynamic works in an alcoholic home.

Go to Alanon - heres what to expect:
A group of people meet in a room. There is a chairperson and a speaker at the top. You sit where you like and people dont bother you except to smile, say hi, be generally welcoming if you catch their eye. The meeting opens with the person chairing it reading the welcome note, part of this note is to welcome newcomers, they will usually ask people to raise hands if new, and occasionally ask your name - thats it. Then the speaker is introduced and they share for a while on their own experiences. After the speaker the meeting is opened to thr floor, everyone looks at the ground and squirms so they wont be first to talk. Either the person chairing asks someone to speak or someone volunteers. If asked to speak directly, by name or by description (yourself in the red hat), and you do not wish to speak you simply mutter 'no thanks' and they move on. You do not have to speak, no one forces you to speak.
The sharing from the floor goes on for the rest of the hour. At the end the closing note is read out and then people generally mill about stacking chairs, some meetings have tea available, and chatting to each other. This is an opportunity to speak to someone you related to. Its also an opportunity to leg it if you dont want to interact.

Thats it. Its easy, its nice and it helps a lot. You learn a lot from other peoples experiences, you get a lot of support, you start to see things differently. Its very peaceful and totally non judgemental. I used to frequently comment on how I wanted to murder my father and no one batted an eyelid. I also told how I hated the guts of all his family and just wanted to burn their houses down (I was very angry when I started going ). I cried loads of times, along with other people who needed a cry too. I remember one occasion when I was crying so hard I couldnt get the words out, I was just hitching - and everyone just stays quiet and gives you time to collect yourself and finish. I also laughed loads and learned loads and made loads of nice friends. It changed my life.

I hope this helps - the hardest part of Alanon is going to the first meeting, after that its easy and nice.

MizzLolly

Jeez OP I dont know how to help but I just want to say that you sound like such a strong person. You've had such a bloody rotten time and you still managed to get yourself into college and into a Masters without the support of your family. That's a fricken amazing achievement. You should be so proud of yourself.

Well done.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

Youre aunties etc...Theyre all enabling the alcoholism. Youve done the right thing getting away and living your own life. Im still being blamed for my own fathers alcoholism by his siblings who havent a clue how the family dynamic works in an alcoholic home.

Go to Alanon - heres what to expect:
A group of people meet in a room. There is a chairperson and a speaker at the top. You sit where you like and people dont bother you except to smile, say hi, be generally welcoming if you catch their eye. The meeting opens with the person chairing it reading the welcome note, part of this note is to welcome newcomers, they will usually ask people to raise hands if new, and occasionally ask your name - thats it. Then the speaker is introduced and they share for a while on their own experiences. After the speaker the meeting is opened to thr floor, everyone looks at the ground and squirms so they wont be first to talk. Either the person chairing asks someone to speak or someone volunteers. If asked to speak directly, by name or by description (yourself in the red hat), and you do not wish to speak you simply mutter 'no thanks' and they move on. You do not have to speak, no one forces you to speak.
The sharing from the floor goes on for the rest of the hour. At the end the closing note is read out and then people generally mill about stacking chairs, some meetings have tea available, and chatting to each other. This is an opportunity to speak to someone you related to. Its also an opportunity to leg it if you dont want to interact.

Thats it. Its easy, its nice and it helps a lot. You learn a lot from other peoples experiences, you get a lot of support, you start to see things differently. Its very peaceful and totally non judgemental. I used to frequently comment on how I wanted to murder my father and no one batted an eyelid. I also told how I hated the guts of all his family and just wanted to burn their houses down (I was very angry when I started going ). I cried loads of times, along with other people who needed a cry too. I remember one occasion when I was crying so hard I couldnt get the words out, I was just hitching - and everyone just stays quiet and gives you time to collect yourself and finish. I also laughed loads and learned loads and made loads of nice friends. It changed my life.

I hope this helps - the hardest part of Alanon is going to the first meeting, after that its easy and nice.

thanks so much... I think when i was more messed up about it, going home at the weekends is when I really should have been going most to get the most from it. Since then iv been slowly distancing myself from her , so now we only see each other about two three times a year max. I know it sounds heartless and cruel but Im honestly a better person for not spending time with her, i know its such an awful awful thing to say but the way she is, its like her depression and drinking is malignant? It puts me in bad form any amount of time with her. Horrible thing to say about your own mother but just is the way it is. Guess il try go to the alanon meeting when i have more time, just dont feel i have the mental capacity for it right now, need to stay focused on the auld MA at hand....

MizzLolly wrote: »

Jeez OP I dont know how to help but I just want to say that you sound like such a strong person. You've had such a bloody rotten time and you still managed to get yourself into college and into a Masters without the support of your family. That's a fricken amazing achievement. You should be so proud of yourself.

Well done.

Thats so nice of you , really it is, ah well like most families like that they dont mind piggy backing on your achievement once graduation time rolls around....!

username123

worried_1 wrote: »

thanks so much... I think when i was more messed up about it, going home at the weekends is when I really should have been going most to get the most from it. Since then iv been slowly distancing myself from her , so now we only see each other about two three times a year max. I know it sounds heartless and cruel but Im honestly a better person for not spending time with her, i know its such an awful awful thing to say but the way she is, its like her depression and drinking is malignant? It puts me in bad form any amount of time with her. Horrible thing to say about your own mother but just is the way it is. Guess il try go to the alanon meeting when i have more time, just dont feel i have the mental capacity for it right now, need to stay focused on the auld MA at hand....

I dont think it sounds a bit heartless and cruel!! If a family members toxic behaviour is impacting on your health and well being then you only make yourself 'sick' by being around it. The horrible insidious tendrils of alcoholism will start strangling all around and if you dont help yourself youre no use to anyone.

Go to Alanon when youre ready, its actually very useful no matter what stage youre at. Even years after living with alcoholism you dont realise but youre still being affected, your own thoughts and behaviours have been shaped by it. So its good to go no matter where you are in your own life. Ive met people in it who are years and years free of living with active alcoholism who get good results from going.

I agree with the poster who said well done to you and it IS an amazing achievement you have managed, however (and I say this with a smile), its no surprise either, us children of alcoholics are often over achievers, just one of those behaviours we've picked up as a defense mechanism

You might find it useful/interesting to google ACOA, it means adult child of an alcoholic, its a reasonably well studied subject and there are a lot of things that may become clear when you read up on it, it might help explain why you feel how you do about certain things, why you behave the way you do etc... I personally found a lot of useful and thought provoking stuff when I studied it a little.

Whatever you do, never feel bad for looking after yourself. You are only responsible for your own behaviour, not someone elses. And your mother is an adult, responsible for her own behaviour.

I had a line I used to use with relations when they phoned to give me grief about my alcoholic father:
I am suffering the effects of being the child of an alcoholic, it has caused a variety of emotional and behavioural issues that I am currently working on. If you dont have something constructive or useful to say to me about my own recovery then I dont have time to take this call.
It used to make them back off pretty quick I can tell you

Emme

worried_1 wrote: »

thanks so much... I think when i was more messed up about it, going home at the weekends is when I really should have been going most to get the most from it. Since then iv been slowly distancing myself from her , so now we only see each other about two three times a year max. I know it sounds heartless and cruel but Im honestly a better person for not spending time with her, i know its such an awful awful thing to say but the way she is, its like her depression and drinking is malignant? It puts me in bad form any amount of time with her. Horrible thing to say about your own mother but just is the way it is. Guess il try go to the alanon meeting when i have more time, just dont feel i have the mental capacity for it right now, need to stay focused on the auld MA at hand....

You're not heartless and cruel and well done for staying away from her. It isn't easy, especially when there's nobody else in the family and people are putting a guilt trip on you.

There isn't any alcoholism in my family so Alanon isn't an option. Dad is depressed, Mum is nearly always ill with different things - nothing life-threatening thank goodness but it always seems to demand immediate attention. I've had counselling but find counsellors have nothing practical to say and it's expensive anyway.

Anyway, good luck with the MA and don't let anything stop you - get the next plane out of Ireland once you get the letters after your name!

LegacyUser

Emme - Why do you feel the need to post saying your the most qualified on here to give advice. No offence, i'm not undermining your situation as it sounds rotten. But there is plenty of people on here who have to deal with alcoholic parents and unless you've lived with an alcoholic there's no possible way you can understand.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

I too would have to agree with a previous poster and say forget your mother, concentrate on your masters and make a life for yourself. I speak from experience when I say that and wish I had support at your age to get out of my family situation.

I am now in my 40s. I have a very large family of men - no sisters (I'm female) and my mother was ill for a very large part of my life. My (male) family members spent most of my life making me feel guilty as the only girl in the house who should have been caring for my mother. They saw it as my job/role in the family to care for her. My mother and I did not have a good relationship and I rebelled against everything she said and did. I spent most of my 20's moving out of home, moving back home, moving out of home etc. The cycle never really stopped until she died when I was 30. So I wasted about 15yrs of my life, racked with guilt for not caring for this woman, who by the way, didn't really care about me.

At the time she died, we hadn't spoken in over a year. Her death/funeral were a nitemare to say the least. I was blamed for her death by all my brothers and my father (although I'm not given as the cause of death on her death cert!!!!!), and took on that blame and guilt for another 5yrs.

I eventually went to a counsellor at 35 and after 5long years, am finally free of that feeling and just begining to live my own life. My mother was responsible for her own life and i was not to blame for her illness or her death.

What I would say OP is that you are young, time is on your side. Don't allow anyone to ruin your life the way I did. Learn from people like me and that other poster who tell you to forget your mother, until she sorts herself out and can offer you a 'real' relationship.
The very, very best of luck to you.

Emme

username21 wrote: »

Emme - Why do you feel the need to post saying your the most qualified on here to give advice. No offence, i'm not undermining your situation as it sounds rotten. But there is plenty of people on here who have to deal with alcoholic parents and unless you've lived with an alcoholic there's no possible way you can understand.

Do not judge me unless you have walked a mile in my shoes, username21.

I understand that alcoholism is detrimental to a family - a friend of the family has an alcoholic wife and despite this their three children are doing very well. Alcoholism is not the only cause of dysfunction in a family. Depressive family members can have an equally detrimental effect. Having said that alcoholism and depression often go hand in hand.

I may not have alcoholic parents, but like the OP, I have a depressive parent. My mother is often ill. I am an only child. I have been under constant pressure all my life to come back to the family home and sort things out. I have two aunts who take it upon themselves to call me and tell me to do this if they think I'm neglecting my parents. Parallels, non?

Having no siblings is a unique sort of pressure that you cannot understand unless you have no siblings yourself. It really adds to the pressure of family problems - you have to deal with all yourself and you have no siblings to confide in.

I'm glad that Alanon exists to help the family members of alcoholics, but IMHO depression can be just as detrimental to a family and there should be support for the families of depressives too.

By the way, I had an alcoholic boyfriend for 4 years on and off at his whims. He was successful and held down a very responsible job but he was hell to live with. I tried to help him but he didn't want to help himself so I had to leave. The amount of times I sat through dinners in restaurants watching him drink cocktails, a bottle or two of wine and then shorts, insulting the staff into the bargain and often turning on me. Arriving at his house for a date to find him plastered even though he promised he wouldn't drink. So don't tell me I don't know about alcoholics.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

Do not judge me unless you have walked a mile in my shoes, username21.

I understand that alcoholism is detrimental to a family - a friend of the family has an alcoholic wife and despite this their three children are doing very well. Alcoholism is not the only cause of dysfunction in a family. Depressive family members can have an equally detrimental effect. Having said that alcoholism and depression often go hand in hand.

I may not have alcoholic parents, but like the OP, I have a depressive parent. My mother is often ill. I am an only child. I have been under constant pressure all my life to come back to the family home and sort things out. I have two aunts who take it upon themselves to call me and tell me to do this if they think I'm neglecting my parents. Parallels, non?

Having no siblings is a unique sort of pressure that you cannot understand unless you have no siblings yourself. It really adds to the pressure of family problems - you have to deal with all yourself and you have no siblings to confide in.

I'm glad that Alanon exists to help the family members of alcoholics, but IMHO depression can be just as detrimental to a family and there should be support for the families of depressives too.

By the way, I had an alcoholic boyfriend for 4 years on and off at his whims. He was successful and held down a very responsible job but he was hell to live with. I tried to help him but he didn't want to help himself so I had to leave. The amount of times I sat through dinners in restaurants watching him drink cocktails, a bottle or two of wine and then shorts, insulting the staff into the bargain and often turning on me. Arriving at his house for a date to find him plastered even though he promised he wouldn't drink. So don't tell me I don't know about alcoholics.

You are totally undermining the OP and thousands of others who have spent their whole lives living with an alcoholic. 4 years with a bf that was your choice unlike you we don't have the choice to walk away so easily. 4 years and now your away from him, it's not the life time the OP has had to deal with.

I'm sorry you feel im judging you and i've no desire to walk in your shoes i've had my own crosses to bare.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

I dont think it sounds a bit heartless and cruel!! If a family members toxic behaviour is impacting on your health and well being then you only make yourself 'sick' by being around it. The horrible insidious tendrils of alcoholism will start strangling all around and if you dont help yourself youre no use to anyone.

Go to Alanon when youre ready, its actually very useful no matter what stage youre at.

I agree with the poster who said well done to you and it IS an amazing achievement you have managed, however (and I say this with a smile), its no surprise either, us children of alcoholics are often over achievers, just one of those behaviours we've picked up as a defense mechanism

You might find it useful/interesting to google ACOA, it means adult child of an alcoholic, its a reasonably well studied subject and there are a lot of things that may become clear when you read up on it, it might help explain why you feel how you do about certain things, why you behave the way you do etc... I personally found a lot of useful and thought provoking stuff when I studied it a little.

Whatever you do, never feel bad for looking after yourself. You are only responsible for your own behaviour, not someone elses. And your mother is an adult, responsible for her own behaviour.

I had a line I used to use with relations when they phoned to give me grief about my alcoholic father:
I am suffering the effects of being the child of an alcoholic, it has caused a variety of emotional and behavioural issues that I am currently working on. If you dont have something constructive or useful to say to me about my own recovery then I dont have time to take this call.
It used to make them back off pretty quick I can tell you

I will definitely check out that website, might be my first step before I go to a meeting. I will probably find it a bit easier going to one in Dublin city rather than Galway, guess with smaller city you always - well i do- think you will run into someone you know, id feel mortified. I know I shouldnt but I just do. Something the counsellor tried to get me out of thinking was that, i felt my mothers drinking reflects directly on me and what i do. (I grew up in a small town , everyone knowing your business so I always felt that people pitied me and were somehow patronising me)

Unreggg wrote: »

Hi Op,

I too would have to agree with a previous poster and say forget your mother, concentrate on your masters and make a life for yourself. I speak from experience when I say that and wish I had support at your age to get out of my family situation.

What I would say OP is that you are young, time is on your side. Don't allow anyone to ruin your life the way I did. Learn from people like me and that other poster who tell you to forget your mother, until she sorts herself out and can offer you a 'real' relationship.
The very, very best of luck to you.

Thankyou so much, I fear at this stage she will never ever sort herself out, she seems perfectly content wallowing in self pity and has taken on this martyr role. . examples are just being deliberatly obtuse and stubborn for no reason to guage a reaction. eg- invited up the country to stay with family for Christmas, will say no at the last minute (Christmas Eve) so she gets a barrage of pleading and begging before she will relent.

Emme wrote: »

My mother is often ill. I am an only child. I have been under constant pressure all my life to come back to the family home and sort things out. I have two aunts who take it upon themselves to call me and tell me to do this if they think I'm neglecting my parents. Parallels, non?

Having no siblings is a unique sort of pressure that you cannot understand unless you have no siblings yourself. It really adds to the pressure of family problems - you have to deal with all yourself and you have no siblings to confide in.

I'm glad that Alanon exists to help the family members of alcoholics, but IMHO depression can be just as detrimental to a family and there should be support for the families of depressives too.

Counsellor said this aswell, that in every family with alcoholism theres always one child who ends up shouldering the burden for some reason and that the other siblings somehow manage to distance themselves from it, but its worse then when its an only child you are totally shouldering the burden whether you like it or not.

Emme

username21 wrote: »

You are totally undermining the OP and thousands of others who have spent their whole lives living with an alcoholic. 4 years with a bf that was your choice unlike you we don't have the choice to walk away so easily. 4 years and now your away from him, it's not the life time the OP has had to deal with.

I'm sorry you feel im judging you and i've no desire to walk in your shoes i've had my own crosses to bare.

I'm not going to argue with you. The only way to rationally compare the effects of alcoholism with the effects of depression would be to do an academic study and this wouldn't be straightforward because of the grey area where alcoholism and depression are combined. Depressives can exhibit similar behavioural traits to alcoholics - family members feel that they are walking on eggshells all the time and they can never feel secure in the presence of such a person. Both alcoholics and depressives can be violent and abusive - both verbally and physically. Alcoholism may be the most common family dysfuntion in this country, but it is by no means the only family dysfunction.

We can choose our friends, but not our families.

Peggypeg

Ah come on EMME and username123, stop fighting over who is most qualified to give advice, it's no use to the OP, both of you have had a crap time of it to be sure and have good advice for the OP.

OP - just wanted to say well done, fair play to you for working on making a life for yourself!!! My advice is much the same as everyone else, stay the hell away!!! You are not responsible for your mother and you are under no obligation to explain yourself to your family, I would just hang up on them if I were you. I would stay away from your mother until/if she sorts herself out, and she is defo the only one that can do that. Only talk to her if she sort herself out and can be a mother and offer you a healthy relationship with her.

Best of luck, BIG BIG pat on the back and a BIG BIG hug to you.

username123

Peggypeg wrote: »

Ah come on EMME and username123, stop fighting over who is most qualified to give advice, it's no use to the OP, both of you have had a crap time of it to be sure and have good advice for the OP.

Eh, it was actually Emme and username21 - not me!

OP - the only person who's behaviour you can change is your own. Surprisingly, when you do make positive changes it can reflect back on the other person (your mother in this case) and actually bring about change there as well. But you cant force anyone to change themselves.
Its possible that your mother will not change. But you cant be worrying about things you cant control. I think its to be well commended how clearly you can actually SEE the realities of the situation, its very common that the person in your position is so wound up in love and guilt and confusion that they cant see the situation clearly, the distance helps Im sure.

I was often patronised for my fathers drinking. He was well known as the local drunk. People would in fact be surprised that I was bright and well educated when they met me. You just have to remember the old adage - you cant pick your family!! You absolutely cannot judge people based on their families behaviour - you know that first hand right? Well, a lot of other people know that too so although you may have worried about your mothers behaviour reflecting badly on you - it really really doesnt.

If you ever ran into anyone you knew in an Alanon meeting you can be sure they would be feeling exactly the same way you do!! Its unlikely you would so long as you were a few miles from home, but if you did itd actually be alright - I know how you feel though.
Theres a huge one that goes on in Dublin in Abbey St, its very big and anonymous, its a nice meeting too, Ive been a few times. Itd be an easy one to slip into and hide at the back if you wanted to.

For Emme - you actually can go to an Alanon meeting if you wish, Ive known a number of members who came because of dysfunction in their family that was unrelated to alcoholism. If you do go just be honest about why you are there and that many of the issues you face are similar so you came to see if it would help - you would be welcomed, I can assure you of that. The downside would be that many very specific behaviours that are only related to alcoholism are bounced about and discussed and that may be of no use to you. An old joke in a meeting I used to go to was that everyone in this country knows or knew an alcoholic, so everyone would be welcome at a Alanon meeting!!

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

We can choose our friends, but not our families.

And my twist on that is "Friends are The Family We choose For Ourselves"

Peggypeg wrote: »

OP - just wanted to say well done, fair play to you for working on making a life for yourself!!! My advice is much the same as everyone else, stay the hell away!!! You are not responsible for your mother and you are under no obligation to explain yourself to your family, I would just hang up on them if I were you. I would stay away from your mother until/if she sorts herself out, and she is defo the only one that can do that. Only talk to her if she sort herself out and can be a mother and offer you a healthy relationship with her.

Best of luck, BIG BIG pat on the back and a BIG BIG hug to you.

username123 wrote: »

OP - the only person who's behaviour you can change is your own. Surprisingly, when you do make positive changes it can reflect back on the other person (your mother in this case) and actually bring about change there as well. But you cant force anyone to change themselves.
Its possible that your mother will not change. But you cant be worrying about things you cant control. I think its to be well commended how clearly you can actually SEE the realities of the situation, its very common that the person in your position is so wound up in love and guilt and confusion that they cant see the situation clearly, the distance helps Im sure.

I was often patronised for my fathers drinking. He was well known as the local drunk. People would in fact be surprised that I was bright and well educated when they met me. You just have to remember the old adage - you cant pick your family!! You absolutely cannot judge people based on their families behaviour - you know that first hand right? Well, a lot of other people know that too so although you may have worried about your mothers behaviour reflecting badly on you - it really really doesnt.

If you ever ran into anyone you knew in an Alanon meeting you can be sure they would be feeling exactly the same way you do!! Its unlikely you would so long as you were a few miles from home, but if you did itd actually be alright - I know how you feel though.
Theres a huge one that goes on in Dublin in Abbey St, its very big and anonymous, its a nice meeting too, Ive been a few times. Itd be an easy one to slip into and hide at the back if you wanted to.

For Emme - you actually can go to an Alanon meeting if you wish, Ive known a number of members who came because of dysfunction in their family that was unrelated to alcoholism. If you do go just be honest about why you are there and that many of the issues you face are similar so you came to see if it would help - you would be welcomed, I can assure you of that. The downside would be that many very specific behaviours that are only related to alcoholism are bounced about and discussed and that may be of no use to you. An old joke in a meeting I used to go to was that everyone in this country knows or knew an alcoholic, so everyone would be welcome at a Alanon meeting!!

Many Thanks for your advice and support, it is more appreciated than you could imagine. If only to know that Im not mental/selfish/ for thinking/feeling the ways that I do. Im going to google alanon meetings in Dublin city centre now, god knows If i feel even slightly better after posting here im sure a meeting would be enormously beneficial. Think I may suggest my family to start going aswell because there is clearly something wrong with they way they continue to let her monoplise situations and get away with it.

Things reached a head this evening, my mothers pedantic attention seeking behaviour has reached a new low and I wont be spending Christmas with her or my family. I can't cope with her and I can't cope with their enabling behaviour either. Iv had enough and Im cutting them off. Spoke to my counsellor/friend and she said it was probably the best for my own mental health and surely it is.

I have a very intensive workload on for the next 8 weeks and I just dont need them all adding to it. I will write them letters to explain and if any of them call or text they will just get the reply "I am suffering the effects of being the child of an alcoholic, it has caused a variety of emotional and behavioural issues that I am currently working on. If you dont have something constructive or useful to say to me about my own recovery then I dont have time to take this call"

Hopefully they will understand.

Emme

worried_1 wrote: »

Things reached a head this evening, my mothers pedantic attention seeking behaviour has reached a new low and I wont be spending Christmas with her or my family. I can't cope with her and I can't cope with their enabling behaviour either. Iv had enough and Im cutting them off. Spoke to my counsellor/friend and she said it was probably the best for my own mental health and surely it is.

I have a very intensive workload on for the next 8 weeks and I just dont need them all adding to it. I will write them letters to explain and if any of them call or text they will just get the reply "I am suffering the effects of being the child of an alcoholic, it has caused a variety of emotional and behavioural issues that I am currently working on. If you dont have something constructive or useful to say to me about my own recovery then I dont have time to take this call"

Hopefully they will understand.

Well done for making the decision. If it's the first time you spent Christmas away from home it will be a tough one, but stick to your guns. If you're in Dublin for Christmas Day it might be a good idea to volunteer your services and help serve festive dinners to the homeless in the RDS. I did that the Christmas I was away from home. It was such a positive experience and a real eyeopener for me. The sort of dysfunctional behaviour I took for granted at Christmas with the family simply wasn't tolerated in the RDS. The people who go there have to behave or else they will be thrown out.

If you can, change your mobile number between now and Christmas because you will get phone calls from family. Download all the phone numbers you need, get a new sim card and put those numbers on it.

Good luck.:)

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

Well done for making the decision. If it's the first time you spent Christmas away from home it will be a tough one, but stick to your guns. If you're in Dublin for Christmas Day it might be a good idea to volunteer your services and help serve festive dinners to the homeless in the RDS. I did that the Christmas I was away from home. It was such a positive experience and a real eyeopener for me. The sort of dysfunctional behaviour I took for granted at Christmas with the family simply wasn't tolerated in the RDS. The people who go there have to behave or else they will be thrown out.

If you can, change your mobile number between now and Christmas because you will get phone calls from family. Download all the phone numbers you need, get a new sim card and put those numbers on it.

Good luck.:)

Yep this will be my first ever, I really don't mind, Im old enough know to know better. It is funny you should say that because I was actually thinking about looking into this when i made my decision today, would also help me keep my mind occupied, thats great the RDS is really near where I live, would love to do that.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

I'm not going to argue with you. The only way to rationally compare the effects of alcoholism with the effects of depression would be to do an academic study and this wouldn't be straightforward because of the grey area where alcoholism and depression are combined. Depressives can exhibit similar behavioural traits to alcoholics - family members feel that they are walking on eggshells all the time and they can never feel secure in the presence of such a person. Both alcoholics and depressives can be violent and abusive - both verbally and physically. Alcoholism may be the most common family dysfuntion in this country, but it is by no means the only family dysfunction.

We can choose our friends, but not our families.

While I can see where you're coming from, you can't say addiction and depression are the same thing. Depression doesn't make you want to lie to people or steal from people to get your next hit. Depressed people don't end up in hospital after one drink related injury after another. Alcoholics can go missing for days on end an a bender. Maybe there's similarities but they are not the same thing and you've no experience of the heart ache it causes. 3 times in the last year and a half my mam has been in hospital due to injuries when she was drunk, she's lucky to be alive. I've practically had to give up my life to mind my sister when she goes off on a 3 or 4 day bender. Addiction and depression are not the same thing.

LegacyUser

Peggypeg wrote: »

Ah come on EMME and username123, stop fighting over who is most qualified to give advice, it's no use to the OP, both of you have had a crap time of it to be sure and have good advice for the OP.

OP - just wanted to say well done, fair play to you for working on making a life for yourself!!! My advice is much the same as everyone else, stay the hell away!!! You are not responsible for your mother and you are under no obligation to explain yourself to your family, I would just hang up on them if I were you. I would stay away from your mother until/if she sorts herself out, and she is defo the only one that can do that. Only talk to her if she sort herself out and can be a mother and offer you a healthy relationship with her.

Best of luck, BIG BIG pat on the back and a BIG BIG hug to you.

I completely agree with you. Sorry OP for hijacking your thread. I don't think it matters who is "qualified" so to speak or who is not, which is my whole point. Everyone can offer good advice on her. But I personally and i'm not saying its anyone elses view on here, find it a bit patronising for someone who chose an to spend four years with an alcoholic bf to say I'm probably the most qualified on here to advice you and to think this equates to spending your whole life living with an alcoholic parent(s). It's like saying i've a broken arm and chiropodist saying I'm most qualified to fix that for you. I have two alcoholic parents but if someone came on here and both have dabbled in drugs but if someone here said they're parents were drug addicts I wouldn't dream of saying I'm most qualified to help you with that. Again OP i'm sorry for hijacking your thread but this has really hit a nerve with me.

LegacyUser

OP - Well done for being able to speak to your aunts and for being so brave. I'm sure it's not easy not being with your mam at Christmas but I think you've made the right decision. Username123 has offered a lot of good advice on here, some which I will take note of myself.

username123

HI OP,
well done on making a stand for yourself. You will be totally shocked at how nice xmas day is away from all the dysfunction. The first year I didnt go home for xmas I spent most of the morning and afternoon by myself, I went for a lovely walk, watched some xmas telly, listened to music, ate mince pies etc... It was actually lovely, so peaceful and nice and not having to suffer my familys behaviour, just heaven really!!! Its only a day and its much nicer to spend it doing peaceful relaxing things than being stressed and upset. You'll probably feel a bit down about having to spend it without your family, Im sure all children of alcoholics go through the 'why me with the crappy family' thoughts, but forget that, we can only change some things, and who we spend time with is one of them.

TBH I wouldnt even bother with the letters, Id just drop off the horizon quietly and as people contact you be brief and clear with them - word will travel I assure you once youve told one or two people that youre no longer interested in the situation they will all tell each other. At that point they may make a concerted effort to pull you back in, guilt trip you etc...but if you stay strong for just a few weeks theyll get sick of it. You just do whatever suits yourself. You deserve some time to heal yourself, do your own thing, enjoy your life and put all this crap behind you.

The road ahead for you is a journey that only contains healing, so dont you worry, you will come through and out the other side of all this. I did, and so do many many others.

LegacyUser

username21 wrote: »

OP - Well done for being able to speak to your aunts and for being so brave. I'm sure it's not easy not being with your mam at Christmas but I think you've made the right decision. Username123 has offered a lot of good advice on here, some which I will take note of myself.

username123 wrote: »

HI OP,
well done on making a stand for yourself. You will be totally shocked at how nice xmas day is away from all the dysfunction. The first year I didnt go home for xmas I spent most of the morning and afternoon by myself, I went for a lovely walk, watched some xmas telly, listened to music, ate mince pies etc... It was actually lovely, so peaceful and nice and not having to suffer my familys behaviour, just heaven really!!! Its only a day and its much nicer to spend it doing peaceful relaxing things than being stressed and upset. You'll probably feel a bit down about having to spend it without your family, Im sure all children of alcoholics go through the 'why me with the crappy family' thoughts, but forget that, we can only change some things, and who we spend time with is one of them.

TBH I wouldnt even bother with the letters, Id just drop off the horizon quietly and as people contact you be brief and clear with them - word will travel I assure you once youve told one or two people that youre no longer interested in the situation they will all tell each other. At that point they may make a concerted effort to pull you back in, guilt trip you etc...but if you stay strong for just a few weeks theyll get sick of it. You just do whatever suits yourself. You deserve some time to heal yourself, do your own thing, enjoy your life and put all this crap behind you.

The road ahead for you is a journey that only contains healing, so dont you worry, you will come through and out the other side of all this. I did, and so do many many others.

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hi OP

My heart goes out to you - your post struck a chord with me as for most of my adult life I have carried guilt that I should be in Australia (where I was born and where my mother lives). She is not an alcoholic but suffered abuse as a child and never managed to move on from it. She suffered breakdowns all through my childhood and myself and siblings were her carer.

I read a book a while ago called Toxic Parents - can't remember the author, but it is a bestseller and I would thoroughly recommend it.

It tackles all those thoughts you have, as I did, of guilt and loyalty.

We all have one shot only at life and it is up to us to do what makes us happy/is best for us. It's taken me a long time to realise my life is my own.

I really wish you well,

sf xx

Thanks for all the posts of support, yeah at 23 I guess it does suck not being with family for Christmas but is only one day after all, so much hype! Iv enough college work to keep me occupied, and il be cooking a bog feast and atching loads of dvds so Im not at all bothered. Think I came across some book with Toxic parents in the title alright, will look at it again properly.

Had a good look at all the ACOA stuff online last night and so many of the symptoms are just so so spot on its scary. It really has made me look at how its been affecting my own interpersonal relationships with my own friends and colleauges. Never thought it was affecting me so much.

Emme

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hi OP

My heart goes out to you - your post struck a chord with me as for most of my adult life I have carried guilt that I should be in Australia (where I was born and where my mother lives). She is not an alcoholic but suffered abuse as a child and never managed to move on from it. She suffered breakdowns all through my childhood and myself and siblings were her carer.

I read a book a while ago called Toxic Parents - can't remember the author, but it is a bestseller and I would thoroughly recommend it.

It tackles all those thoughts you have, as I did, of guilt and loyalty.

We all have one shot only at life and it is up to us to do what makes us happy/is best for us. It's taken me a long time to realise my life is my own.

I really wish you well,

sf xx

The author of Toxic Parents is Susan Forward.

Again, OP I wish you well. Stay strong and change your mobile number ASAP.