small issue with my settled friends

LegacyUser

I have a small issue with my settled friends and am wondering if other people, especially girls, experience anything similar or if it's just me.

My friends who I grew up with (my core group of friends for want of a better word) are all settled/engaged/married and I am very much single. I am happy in my life and I either keep very busy and active or else keep very quiet and keep to myself.

Anytime we get together to go out, especially in the last year or so, I find all they want to do is to check out guys and obsess about looking at them or chat them up and flirt with them.

My problem is that they often ask me why I'm not the one chatting these guys up. And why amn't I interested in some hot guy in the corner or why don't I go up and talk to some guy I thought was cute.

They often say things like "Oh if I was single I'd be scoring with him" or "I'd definately chat him up if I was single". Thing is, they haven't been single in years and some of them have only ever had the one or two boyfriends. It makes me feel inadequate around them when I don't pursue guys.

I have other friends who I've known a few years and when I meet them it's never about guys, it's about us, the people who I am with. And the funny thing is I have no problem chatting to guys when I am in their company and I always have a better laugh.

I guess I'm wondering if I sound like the boring one when on nights out with my old friends, I can't seem to figure it out.

Thanks for reading

iguana

It sounds like they are looking for some vicarious smoochies to add a little gossip and excitement to their lives. Or possibly they are trying too hard to ensure you don't think they have gotten boring.

LegacyUser

Yeah your mates have lost touch with reality slightly.

They don't understand the rules or the reality of being single in the same way that single people sometimes forget that just because you have someone to cuddle up on the couch with doesn't mean you're deliriously happy.

Let them have their fantasies. You know that its all a much more subtle dance.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I am female and have a similiar issue with certain people. Some when I am in their company can only focus on my single status and are practically trying to set me up with the waiter, shop assistant, bus driver. This makes me withdraw even further as I feel uncomfortable. There is something also about certain settled people who somehow make you feel that something is wrong with you and that's why you're single. this can be very subtle but can still make you feel crap. For example saying "I'd snap him up if I were single" is another way of saying "what's wrong with you why are you not snapping him up" If you grew up with these people and they are all settled its understandable you may feel like the odd one out. However smug married/couples also project their own insecurities on to single people. Perhaps there life is not as perfect as they would like it to be and also they might fear being alone. So many people I find are scared of people who can be happy on their own as to them it's their biggest fear. so they try to make you feel insecure about it. I have found so many friends who are not settled hated being asked about their single status but forget very quickly and ask me about mine constantly. There is too much pressure from these core friends - they don't make you feel good about yourself and being single (their problem partly) and you are reacting to this. The fact that you feel more comfortable with other friends is evidence of this - you are not feeling the pressure, feeling the single freak with these other friends. I used to spend so much of my time going to friends kids parties, christenings etc where I was often feeling like the odd one out. So I stopped going. Without sounding cold I asked myself "what's in this for me?" Its shocking how insentive others are to single women. Go out with the people who you are comfortable with or if you decide to stick with these friends - don't accept their behaviour. Sometimes if you have been friends for a long time you feel you should stay friends forever but the reality is people move on, change, go through different stages, don't hold on to friendships that are not fulfilling. Good Luck

Peggypeg

satguest09 wrote: »

Its shocking how insentive others are to single women.

Hey OP,

I found the above statement very telling. If you agree with this and think the same, then I would agree with steering clear of those friends. Like the fact you guys are sensitive about it (assuming you are) is either because you are ;
a - unhappy about being single, that sounds wrong, you both sound happy and single. OR
b - these friends are bringing up your single status, directly or indirectly, to such an extent that you are actually becoming sensitive to it.
So yeah, I would tend to hang out with people who's company I enjoy most and who I have the most fun with.

LegacyUser

Hi PeggyPeg,

You make a good point - about the statment I made and you are correct in stating that its all some people focus on i.e being single that you start to doubt yourself and think is there something wrong me? Thanks for pointing out and clarifying.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your views it's nice to get a different perspective.

Satguest09 I think we have similar issues. I do need to spend more time with other people so that when I am with my old friends I am not affected as much by their expectations/comments as I currently am. Hopefully they'll realise that I am actually happy in my life and have a life outside of them and outside of a boyfriend.

I think I need to bite my bottom lip and let them get on with it as to be fair to them they don't get to go out as much as I do. It's hard to accept that we have drifted over the years but it's also not something big enough to warrent loosing friends over.

Next time one of them says she'd snap the waitor up if she was single I shall dare her to go on do it until she shuts up

martdalto

I tihnk it's more a case of your engaged/married friends feel "safe" flirting with these fellas because they know nothing is going to come of it. They're not risking being knocked back by trying to get off with them (assuming they are not trying to get off with them!) So to them it's just a bit of harmless fun out in the pub. They're not looking for a relationship - they're not looking for a fellas number to organise a date, and they, possibly, think they are doing you a favour by "helping" you get yourself a fella.

If you think it's worth bringing it up with them and telling them you're not that desperate, then tell them you'd prefer to have a night out that's not all about fellas. If you think it's not going to make any difference, and they are going to carry on for their own gratification, then maybe limit the time you spend with them. Just because they are your "core" group of friends, doesn't mean that you have to spend your adult life being friends in the same way you did growing up.

mood

I also have the same problem but only with a small number of people including family. For example I have had them try to set me up with a a guy who is a little slow, guy who is suffering from server from long term depression and a man twice my age! All this was not because they thought we would get on but just because they were available! I try to just ignore it but it's very hard.

Dord

There are times in your life when you need to stop and have a look at the people you are friends with. Sometimes you're not on the same page with some of them anymore and the friendship just doesn't work. I've been there a few times.

prinz

martdalto wrote: »

I tihnk it's more a case of your engaged/married friends feel "safe" flirting with these fellas because they know nothing is going to come of it. They're not risking being knocked back by trying to get off with them (assuming they are not trying to get off with them!) So to them it's just a bit of harmless fun out in the pub.

+1
As a fella in a LTR and soon to be married I agree with this. tbh for the last few years I have found myself to be much, much more forward and outgoing with people when I am out socially, especially with the girls. I have single friends but if I feel like meeting people and chatting to cute girls this has nothing to do with them. I think you may be over analysing the situation.

martdalto wrote: »

They're not looking for a relationship - they're not looking for a fellas number to organise a date, and they, possibly, think they are doing you a favour by "helping" you get yourself a fella..

Yes and no. If I got chatting to someone I would introduce them to friends etc, if that friend happens to be single what of it. He can chat to her or not. It's not that big a deal.

mood

Dord wrote: »

There are times in your life when you need to stop and have a look at the people you are friends with. Sometimes you're not on the same page with some of them anymore and the friendship just doesn't work. I've been there a few times.

How does the saying go - 'you can choose you friends but not your family!'

RossFixxxed

They're vicariously trying to be single. Or they really want to chat the guys up and are looking for an 'ok' or something. Ask them to stop, if they don't... see ya.

symbolwoman

They sound like they want you to meet someone and settle down too. Then you can all be in the same stage in life as them.
Tell them that you are not interested in joining them in this. Just be open and honest with them. If they are true friends they will understand

LegacyUser

soltz wrote: »

My problem is that they often ask me why I'm not the one chatting these guys up. And why amn't I interested in some hot guy in the corner or why don't I go up and talk to some guy I thought was cute.

They often say things like "Oh if I was single I'd be scoring with him" or "I'd definately chat him up if I was single".

Thanks for reading

Hi OP,
I can relate to you a lot, and especially to the above!! It bugs the hell out of me, when I get told, "oh go on over to him and chat, I'd go if I was single". I know full well that none of these friends of mine would ever get off a seat and walk straight up to a guy. So why should I. Am I that desparate? It really bugs when they talk down to me. I find it patronising.

There's nothing you can do. As other posters said, maybe their own relationships aren't all that great, and they like chatting to new guys to get a buzz. take no notice, and hang around with people who make you feel good!!

You go our own way, and you'll get your just deserves in the end!