BF lied... forgive him or forget him??

LegacyUser

with my BF 6 years... years ago he lied about txting other girls, but we moved on and moved in together. I cheated too... and was probably the more guilty party as he does not know about my iindiscretions!

Over the last year it has felt really good and trusting... thinking about weddings, children etc.
So, we decided to buy a house together and began saving heavily. Last month I asked how much he had saved and, together with my sizeable savings we had enough to buy a house. Found dream home, got mortgage approval based on savings and income...
Today, he went to the bank to take out his savings so that we could merge them in one account. Today is the day that he has chosen to tell me that he hadn't really been saving all along, and only has a couple of thousand euro.

I am SO ANGRY.

Don't care about the money or the house, just the trust and lies...
Feel so let down... have invested so much in the relationship but I feel the continuous breaches of trust have ruined our relationship.
How do you know when to let go and move on, cut my losses so to speak??
Just don't know when to say enough is enough... and have to decide quickly before buying a new place together!

John_Mc

please help me1 wrote: »

with my BF 6 years... years ago he lied about txting other girls, but we moved on and moved in together. I cheated too... and was probably the more guilty party as he does not know about my iindiscretions!

Over the last year it has felt really good and trusting... thinking about weddings, children etc.
So, we decided to buy a house together and began saving heavily. Last month I asked how much he had saved and, together with my sizeable savings we had enough to buy a house. Found dream home, got mortgage approval based on savings and income...
Today, he went to the bank to take out his savings so that we could merge them in one account. Today is the day that he has chosen to tell me that he hadn't really been saving all along, and only has a couple of thousand euro.

I am SO ANGRY.

Don't care about the money or the house, just the trust and lies...
Feel so let down... have invested so much in the relationship but I feel the continuous breaches of trust have ruined our relationship.
How do you know when to let go and move on, cut my losses so to speak??
Just don't know when to say enough is enough... and have to decide quickly before buying a new place together!

So cheated on him, but didn't tell him about it. Now he's lied to you about money and you think you have the right to talk about trust and honesty?

This is the definition of double standards. I think you should do him a favour and "cut your losses".

kjl

The fact of the matter here is, that he lied to you about a big thing, but you are lying about infidelity. I think your lie trumps his one, so either put up and shut up, or confess your mistermeaners to him.

Oh and texting other girls in a minor offence compared to actually cheating on someone. I think you need to get off your high horse. You are clearly not the model girlfriend you try to make yourself out to be.

Moomoo1

at least he admitted it.

OS119

OP, i'd side with you on this one - the cheating thing is the past, its not 'i'm out every weekend getting roared-up by the local rugby team and all his mates', whereas the saving thing is a 'future' thing - in effect he's lying about how commited he is to the relationship over a long period, your cheating was about how commited you were to the relationship at 2am on a saturday night...

regardless, the trust is gone, lots of bitterness. relationship over.

John_Mc

OS119 wrote: »

OP, i'd side with you on this one - the cheating thing is the past, its not 'i'm out every weekend getting roared-up by the local rugby team and all his mates', whereas the saving thing is a 'future' thing - in effect he's lying about how commited he is to the relationship over a long period, your cheating was about how commited you were to the relationship at 2am on a saturday night...

regardless, the trust is gone, lots of bitterness. relationship over.

Sorry, but you're making a LOT of assumptions there. You have no idea what the OP meant when she admitted she cheated on him.

Also, you're making an assumption that he's not committed to the relationship because he hasnt saved as much money. Perhaps he's not earning as much, which is especially believable in these times, or perhaps he's just not good with money.

It's remarkable that you could draw the conclusions you have. She cheated on him, and yet he's the one that's not committed to the relationship?

Get real will ya :rolleyes:

BraziliaNZ

anyway he's saved a few grand, maybe he thought that was ok, it's more than i can save! Give him a break ffs

dublingal80

Op - I can understand where you are coming from. I mean, its something he shouldnt have lied about. You guys were actively talking about buying a place, getting mortgage approval, finding the perfect home.... what did he think, that you would never find out he didnt have his share of the deposit... and when you did find out you wouldnt mind or something?

money can be an issue in a lot of relationships for some reason. to stop that, myself and my oh are completely honest with our money as we are also saving for a house. im always showing him what i have saved, not to prove to him i have that amount or cos he asked to see it, just because i share everything with him and this is going towards our future together, and he is just as honest with me

Id deffo hold off on buying a house and see how the next six months go, and if he isnt able to save a standard amount each month, i think you should think about the relationship more.
last thing you would want is to buy a house and then he cant afford half the mortgage

LegacyUser

Whether he wants to be with me is his own business, we’re both adults with autonomy.
Based on what I knew of me (and my actions 5+years ago), and what I knew of him, I was willing to commit to a future together. Whether he would be making a mistake being with me is immaterial, because I’m the one asking the question, not him.

And the question is, given that he has lied consistently throughout the relationship and can’t take responsibility for his actions re: financial issues… should I up and leave, or risk committing and ending up having to look after him, as though he were a child, and not trust him going forward?
Again, can I add, if he’s better off without me, let him know that when he posts complaining about me!
Thanks again

Moomoo1

but he is blissfully unaware of things concerning you...

I'd just tell him about your cheating and see what happens.

thefeatheredcat

please help me1 wrote: »

Last month I asked how much he had saved and, together with my sizeable savings we had enough to buy a house. Found dream home, got mortgage approval based on savings and income...
Today, he went to the bank to take out his savings so that we could merge them in one account. Today is the day that he has chosen to tell me that he hadn't really been saving all along, and only has a couple of thousand euro.

Em... Did ye discuss a specific plan that you were both following or did ye just decide to do your own thing separately?

tbh I got the impression his coming upfront at such a late stage would be him showing a little embarrassment in what he had in savings to your self described 'sizeable' savings?

You're in a relationship 6 years and about to buy a house. Buying a house together takes maturity. Ending a relationship based on him not being as upfront about how much savings he has or whatever is not exactly mature. I don't think this was him lying as such, just had a different idea about saving; a little deception perhaps but maybe he didn't expect you to have such 'sizeable' savings.

If you're really mature talk this out with him and make sure you're both on the same page about the future before you buy the house.

kjl

TBH op you sound like a child. Either fess up or forget his lie. SIMPLE AS

LegacyUser

he was dishonest, I was dishonest.
We moved on, and we did it well, like adults. I never brought it up after he was forgiven, ever.

I get that he's not fully in the picture here (which is unfair to him- i know), but my issue is what I do based on what I know.

We had a very definite plan re savings- i kept him updated every week as to my progress. Last month he said he had x amount, and on the basis of that we moved forward almost to purchasing a house.

I acknowledge fully that I have been dishonest, and that makes me a horrible person and a horrible person to be in a relationship with. But I have been entirely loyal and honest and have sacrificed a lot to be with him (relocating, moving jobs etc) over the last five years.
My difficulty is not that he was dishonest years ago, as an adult I accept responsibility for my decision to stay in the relationship.
My difficulty is actually the pattern of dishonesty over the duration of the relationship, and the reason for the most recent dishonesty-finances.
Finances are not important to me, and if he had told me last month he had zero savings, I would have re-assessed our plans but not been angry.
It's the fact that he was dishonest about something like this for as long as he could be and that he has been dishonest throughout our relationship. AND AGAIN- I KNOW I was disloyal to him, and again, when he posts giving out about me, you can cut and paste and let him know to drop me quicker than he can say 'cheating b***h'...

thanks again for replies...

kjl

Please help me1 wrote: »

It's the fact that he was dishonest about something like this for as long as he could be and that he has been dishonest throughout our relationship.

Hmmmmm pot calling kettle back per chance? You still haven't told him about you cheating. He should know about it before he decides to legally bind himself to a contract with you.

Its been a crap year for saving money, you know it and I know it. I'm not standing up for him, but you said yourself that its the principal of the thing, yet you are lying about something much much worse.

I suppose the point I'm making is that you have no right to be upset. None at all, so either you can grow up and deal with this like an adult or you might as well break up now.

Jack B. Badd

Imo it's not a matter of one lie being greater or worse than the other. People lie and cheat and get hurt in relationships - it's one of those "all's fair in love and war" things.

People also lie and cheat in financial contracts. However, this is a separate issue to bedroom infidelities - entering into a financial contract with someone who you know is blatantly lying to you is just foolish.
OP, if I were you I'd draw a line under buying a house with this guy now. It's a issue I wouldn't touch now or in the future. If that means that you're relationship fails so be it but at least then you won't be left holding the whole bill for a house you two were supposed to be equal partners in.

Bear in mind the above is just my opinion. I tend to look pretty harshly on the "love will get us through" attitude when there's money involved (or children or any kind of a responsibility to a third party for that matter). I'd much prefer to be relying on a binding contract where obligations and responsibilities are spelled out in advance rather than a non-quantifiable emotion - be it romantic, familial or platonic love. Entering into a contract with someone who can't meet the minimum requirements is a bad move imo.

G-Money

Please help me1 wrote: »

Finances are not important to me

Are you sure? The whole thread seems to be about it.

pisslips

You claim your problem is not with finances but with his pattern of consistent lying but what people are trying to say is that you have been consistently lying for years, by not telling him you have not allowed him to be an adult and 'move on'.

You seem very concerned with building a future with someone you don't seem to love. You seem very pre-occupied with his reliability as an 'adult' as you call it but being an adult has more to do with trust loyalty and honesty regarding relationships than it does with fiscal matters.

You refer to him pretentiously as a child because you are guilty. You're not managing a person, your supposed to care about them no? He's not an incompetent employee, who can't fulfill his purpose.

Do you want a house and a husband or do you want him?

He seems embarrased because maybe he has a pretty relaxed attitude but you are driven and ambitous. Or else you are just looking for an excuse to blame him for a relationship you don't really want.

It's all connected, it's not black and white. The fact that you cheated and are still lying has a big impact on how you think and percieve things.

magneticimpulse

Give him a break!! Look at the current climate. Who has money at the moment? Your coming on here with your "sizeable savings". Anyone with an ounce of knowledge knows now is not the time to buy a house as they are decreasing in price at a consirable rate. Maybe he doesnt have "sizeable savings". But I have friends that have lost €250,000 on their mortgage in the past year and bit. I told them it was bad time to buy, did they listen...no!! At least you can prob thank him for putting a hold to this move...because despite your sizeable savings and his not so good savings you will have lost it all by next April with the downturn. Plus the job market is not so good. Im 28 and have like 1000 euro...you going to get on here and say god, you cant be in a relationship because you cant have a house!!

Give the lad a break. He prob spent the money buying an engagement ring or something and your jumping to conclusions. You need to be more mature and ask yourself are you ready for this relationship. Open your eyes. The guy prob terrified to discuss this with him because your so high on your horse.

Wagon

Please help me1 wrote: »

he was dishonest, I was dishonest.
We moved on, and we did it well, like adults. I never brought it up after he was forgiven, ever.

I get that he's not fully in the picture here (which is unfair to him- i know), but my issue is what I do based on what I know.

We had a very definite plan re savings- i kept him updated every week as to my progress. Last month he said he had x amount, and on the basis of that we moved forward almost to purchasing a house.

I acknowledge fully that I have been dishonest, and that makes me a horrible person and a horrible person to be in a relationship with. But I have been entirely loyal and honest and have sacrificed a lot to be with him (relocating, moving jobs etc) over the last five years.
My difficulty is not that he was dishonest years ago, as an adult I accept responsibility for my decision to stay in the relationship.
My difficulty is actually the pattern of dishonesty over the duration of the relationship, and the reason for the most recent dishonesty-finances.
Finances are not important to me, and if he had told me last month he had zero savings, I would have re-assessed our plans but not been angry.
It's the fact that he was dishonest about something like this for as long as he could be and that he has been dishonest throughout our relationship. AND AGAIN- I KNOW I was disloyal to him, and again, when he posts giving out about me, you can cut and paste and let him know to drop me quicker than he can say 'cheating b***h'...

thanks again for replies...

Why the hell did you even post here? You seem like one of these people where one rule applies to you and another to everyone else. And regardless of what people tell you here you're just going to ignore them and say that it was "in the past". And his lies were a lot less and you have to ask yourself why he didn't want to tell you all this time.

Here's the simple way of looking at it. Look at his reasons for lying.

1. If he lied because he used that money to take weekends away to shag ladyboys in frankfurt and sort cocaine of mexican midget's stomachs then by all means, go mental at him!

2. If he lied because he was afraid to tell you because you'd fly off the handle and try and hurt him as revenge, then you've got the problems.

But hey what do i know. I'm sure you're lovely. Really.

magneticimpulse

Wagon wrote: »

Why the hell did you even post here? You seem like one of these people where one rule applies to you and another to everyone else. And regardless of what people tell you here you're just going to ignore them and say that it was "in the past". And his lies were a lot less and you have to ask yourself why he didn't want to tell you all this time.

Here's the simple way of looking at it. Look at his reasons for lying.

1. If he lied because he used that money to take weekends away to shag ladyboys in frankfurt and sort cocaine of mexican midget's stomachs then by all means, go mental at him!

2. If he lied because he was afraid to tell you because you'd fly off the handle and try and hurt him as revenge, then you've got the problems.

But hey what do i know. I'm sure you're lovely. Really.

haha sounds like the 1st option to me!! to me i dont think OP will listen to any advice what so ever. If she wont take advice from a forum and be open minded about our comments, i doubt she can fully communicate with her OH. I bet he is terrified to discuss issues like this due to HER STRAIGHT minded line of thought

LegacyUser

so actually,

i read all the stuff here (that's why I posted- for different perspectives- not advice re: the economy)

had a think about the dynamics in our relationship.
maybe he acts like a child and that's why I treat him that way.
or maybe he acts like a child BECAUSE i treat him like one.
So, I didn't fly off the handle to him yesterday. We both took time out to think.
And today, I apologised to him, explained that I was sorry if he felt pressured re finances but that this was something we could work at together. If we both wanted to.
If our current bid is accepted, we think about it. If not, and we can't afford to bid higher based on current savings, fine. We're not homeless. And maybe that's the best thing for us.

He is a fantastic person, not great with money or very ambitious. But that's the ying and yang thing in a relationship. There is plenty that I am not so good at (but if you are not sure I'm aware of this, feel free to keep posting about it)

Anyway, next time, I wont bother posting here, or reading any further posts here- SOME people have very odd assumptions based on little detail! Others, you've been helpful while I took 24 hours to think, thank you!

Moomoo1

the problem is that it's very hard to give useful advice when it comes to finances, especially with the amount of detail you've given. It could be that he spent it all on booze and women. It could be that he genuinely struggled to save. The truth is presumably somewhere in the middle. As for lying, men often find it hard to admit their lack of financial prowess, so that fits in with everything else.

what does seem the case is that for one reason or another he won't be able to contribute as much as you to the family. I don't know if that's ok with you or not...

magneticimpulse

Im glad to hear that you thought about it and took the time out to discuss things with the OH. Its very mature and understanding. You seem to like him and Im happy that if the house work out, great, if it doesnt, like you said your not homeless. Finance is a difficult topic to talk about and in the end im glad you saw that by discussing it with him, the outcome was positive

MissHoneyBun

Are you actually taking the p1ss?

Not only did you CHEAT on the guy but you also chose to lie to him and are continuing to lie to him every day of your relationship so how the f**k does that qualify you to judge him for not saving his pennies like a good boy?

How amusing that you throw a tantrum when somebody now lies to you -not very nice OP is it? Imagine how your boyfriend might feel should he also learn the nasty truth.

I'm sorry but, headwrecker of the highest order :rolleyes:

Chinafoot

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

Are you actually taking the p1ss?

Not only did you CHEAT on the guy but you also chose to lie to him and are continuing to lie to him every day of your relationship so how the f**k does that qualify you to judge him for not saving his pennies like a good boy?

How amusing that you throw a tantrum when somebody now lies to you -not very nice OP is it? Imagine how your boyfriend might feel should he also learn the nasty truth.

I'm sorry but, headwrecker of the highest order :rolleyes:

She did it 5+ years ago. She made a decision for her relationship to not tell him and move past it. Might not be what you'd do but its not your choice to make. Would I do the same thing? Nope. But have a look over past threads on cheating in this forum and you'll see plenty of people saying "don't tell...just dont do it again." She's not asking for your worldly advice on something she did over 5 years ago, so how about you get down off that high horse your so fond of and give her advice on what she asked about...or alternatively stfu for once.

OP, I would probably be annoyed too, particularly if he told you a false amount when you asked how much he had saved. Thats very childish, did he think you wouldn't find out. I think the course of action you've decided on is the best way to go. See what happens with the offer and in the meantime have a serious talk with him. I'd be curious as to why he felt the need to lie about it. Did he think you'd flip out maybe?

Hope you get it sorted.

magneticimpulse

Chinafoot wrote: »

She did it 5+ years ago. She made a decision for her relationship to not tell him and move past it. Might not be what you'd do but its not your choice to make. Would I do the same thing? Nope. But have a look over past threads on cheating in this forum and you'll see plenty of people saying "don't tell...just dont do it again." She's not asking for your worldly advice on something she did over 5 years ago, so how about you get down off that high horse your so fond of and give her advice on what she asked about...or alternatively stfu for once.

OP, I would probably be annoyed too, particularly if he told you a false amount when you asked how much he had saved. Thats very childish, did he think you wouldn't find out. I think the course of action you've decided on is the best way to go. See what happens with the offer and in the meantime have a serious talk with him. I'd be curious as to why he felt the need to lie about it. Did he think you'd flip out maybe?

Hope you get it sorted.

its childish my arse! anyone buying a house at the moment want to be mad in the head. theres 14% unemployment in the country and its set to get worse. your kidding yourself if ya think its a good idea to buy. this bloke is doing you the world of good by not stupidly throwing away your money. you might as well burn it in a fire, because thats what your doing. throwing it away. go on holiday at least get some use out of it. because anyone would want to have 1 brain cell to buy a house at the moment. i mean what dont you understand about deflation?? what dont you understand about houses decreasing in price and people not being able to repay mortgage and houses being reprocesed and flooding the market??? theres millions of houses out there on the market for 3 years with nobody visiting. i know as ive friends trying to sell and 1 person came to view in 3 years!!!! jaysus wait at least a year and make the pennies go further.

Xiney

locked because I don't believe that through the process of trying to get mortgage approval the lack of savings would not have been discovered. Banks generally check up on stuff like that.