In a really messy situation...help! (long post)

LegacyUser

Hey all,

Um ok, where do I start!

I have got myself caught up in a it of a whirlwind romance! I am so happy when i am with him, so comfortable and so content, I couldn't be happier.

Here's the thing, I am 28 and have no kids or baggage really. He is 40, married (just going through a separation) with 3 children to her and he has a baby to an ex in the UK (they only broke up in June).

He's living with his wife at the moment but they are not a couple, she is aware of us and has agreed to let him stay as long as it takes him to find somewhere else. They haven't been "together" for a while so besides his responsibilities with the 3 children that side of things seems to be okish.

His ex in the UK is another matter however....he is very suspicious she fell pregnant on purpose as she was on the pill and only realised she was pregnant when it was too late to have an abortion, well either way he is happy to face up to his responsibilities and he pays this girl a substantial amount of money every month, he told her about me a few weeks ago and said we were just seeing each other, she looked up my facebook etc and said i was an ugly cumt and a dog she asked if he was sleeping with me and he said no....i don't know why but it hurt me to be denied, even though he was honest enough to tell me. Anyway, she has him wrapped around her little finger, sending him texts saying she wants to sleep with him and she's horny and then ignoring him for 3 days then after she heard about me she asked him to not contact her anymore to save her the heartache and that he could enquire about his son through her mother. She agreed to send him her mothers number but never did. He contacted her a few times and got nothing back till she eventually replied and said "why can't u just leave us alone? Seeing as you asked we are not ok, we were in another car accident"

As it transpired the "car accident" didn't leave anyone with any injuries and was conveniently in a "borrowed" car so she doesn't have to show anyone any damage - but she was so trying to make him worry about her and his son over nothing!!!!!

Anyway the thing is, i feel like i can see through her and he just can't....hes listening to me and taking on board everything i say, he knew i was upset he didn't confirm we were an item or sleeping together so to make it up to me he told her everything today and she went nuts - said he'll never see his son again and shes going to move away and not tell him where she is - she's still happy to take his money though! I dont wanna make his siuation worse!!! Whats worse really is that its practically imposssible for me to give my opinion on anything she does without sounding bitter/jealous/resentful....

Just wondering what people think, believe it or not i'm not even with this guy a month.....we just hit it off.

How do u deal with this stuff?

kenbrady

iamstupid09 wrote: »

Just wondering what people think, believe it or not i'm not even with this guy a month.....we just hit it off.

How do u deal with this stuff?

I think you should have followed the advise in this thread http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055714687
Seriously how do you not think you can do better for yourself than this guy

Babooshka

I don't know if you're being fair calling yourself "iamstupid" but you definitely have low self esteem issues, I'd say. There's too much going on in this man's life for him to make you any sort of priority. It's a month in and you spend more time talking about his ex relationships and their children than you do about yourself. You know what most people are going to tell you already...run the other way.

Please look after yourself first and foremost. I had a relationship with someone who was seperated with kids as well and a lot of excess emotional baggage, I was always playing third or fourth fiddle never mind second, not because he was a bad person but because he had no room for me in his overcrowded, overcomplicated life...you're young, you'll find someone who has more room for you in their life. He is not the only man who will love you.

kittenkiller

I'd run for the hills to be honest.

He has so much baggage that is all over the place.
If he had kids by two different women and had established a routine and arrangement with the mothers without lying to them or living with them the situation would be very different.

His whole life is up in the air and having a baby with someone else while still living with his wife is completely out of order, no matter how understanding his wife is!
It shows a complete lack of respect for his wife and his kids!
How on earth did he explain that to his 1st set of children?!

Run!

LegacyUser

This is not messy at all.....run and never look back. This is WAY too much hassle for you. Why should you take on this man's inability to zip his mickey-look at the thread on this-sounds like you were next on that man's list and fell for his stupid lines. RUN RUN RUN.
I'll say it in case you missed it:
RUN.

LegacyUser

I wholeheartedly agree with everything that's been said so far. You need to get away from this situation as fast as your legs can carry you. However, having been in a similar situation I am guessing that you're not going to because you're too smitten. I didn't, and I wasted a good two years of my life.

If you don't walk away from this now here's what will happen:

You will fall for this guy even further.
You will continue to live in your little bubble where nobody else matters and convince yourself that life has never been this good, when you're together it's magical.
Your friends and family will see you sacrificing everything for this man, but you'll tell yourself they don't understand because they don't see how he is with you when they're not around.
You'll convince yourself that you're the woman to change him, and he'll divorce his wife, sort everything out with the ex, and you'll both settle down, get married and have some more kids, and you'll be the world's best stepmother.
Slowly but surely you'll start to notice little changes. He won't be as attentive, you'll realise that you're contributing a lot more to the relationship than he is. You'll get frustrated that you're so far down his list of priorities. But you won't be able to talk to anyone about it because you'll have painted this picture of this wonderful man to all your friends and family and your pride won't let you tell them how the situation really is.
You'll continue on trying desperately to salvage the relationship, trying to rekindle what you had at the start, will try anything to avoid having to turn around to all the people who told you to walk away and tell them that they were right and you were wrong. You will be so afraid of the "I told you so's" that you will drag out the relationship long, long after it should end.
Eventually you will see the light and somehow muster up the courage to end it (I did it with a bottle of wine in me) and you will be left feeling like your heart has been trampled by a herd of wild horses and you'll waste a further year of your life trying to get over him.
With a bit of luck you'll be able to patch up the friendships that you turned your back on while you were with him and those friends will help you through this.

If I could go back and do it again I would run at the first possible opportunity. Yes we had our happy times, living in our bubble, but they only lasted so long, and the constant bashing your self esteem takes as you slip further and further down the priority list just isn't worth the good times.

Go out and find someone who deserves you. This is early days. Despite what you think it is so much easier to walk away now than in 2 years time.

D rog

I think the guy in the mentioned other thread is doing the rounds

thefeatheredcat

OP,

I'm the same age as you, and I stand by a lot of the advice mentioned in the other thread (as I recalled it from memory while reading your post).

Get out of this mess, leave this guy; you're 28 not 38 or 48 and that is way too much baggage for you to take on for someone you barely know and is just looking for a bit on the side.

You can do so, so, so much better than this. This guy is just going to get you knocked up like the last girl who he's probably fabricated some story of suspicion to paint her in a bad light. She could be you in a few months.

Again, you deserve so much better than this. Find yourself a better guy as I think he's just out to use you. He's just trapping/manipulating you into feeling sympathy for you to stay with him. As someone the same age as you OP, I personally feel a 40 year old man has really no business being in a relationship with someone in their 20s.

LegacyUser

Oh My God - sympathise, this is MY story!! How dare you write it.... only, you got the years wrong - it wasted NINE years of my life...... :P (and in case the sarcasm meter doesn't work, it's on HIGH!!). But seriously, this could have been my story. Damn evil pride and not being able to admit I'd made a terrible mistake! Just thank god there were no kids involved.

OP - GET. OUT. NOW. You're not in love - yet - and you need to protect yourself from the lunacy of his life. It will only spiral further and further. What sympathise describes is likely to happen - although you're probably not going to be able to see it now.

But if you are convinced the two of you are destined to be together, look for him in two years so he's got time to sort his mess out and then see what happens. Notice I didn't say WAIT for two years. I can tell you now that in two years, his life will still be a mess, will probably have more children to more random people and you will have moved on with someone a lot more deserving than this joker. Only thing is you'll get to look back and thank god you dodged a bullet.

Trust someone who's been there - life's too short - and I wasted nearly a decade with a d*ckhead just like this.

nesbitt

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

OP,

u can do so, so, so much better than this. This guy is just going to get you knocked up like the last girl who he's probably fabricated some story of suspicion to paint her in a bad light. She could be you in a few months.

Again, you deserve so much better than this.

+ 100%

Run he can't be all that!

mood

kenbrady wrote: »

I think you should have followed the advise in this thread http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055714687
Seriously how do you not think you can do better for yourself than this guy

Agree. Maybe this is another poor girl he is with and is trying to pull the wool over her eyes as well!

I assume you only have his word for it that the marriage is over, she knows about you etc.

IMO unless a marriage has ended in divorce you are mad to get involved.

martdalto

Are you the same poster as in the above thread? If so then why do you think you would now get any different advice to what was given to you a month ago?

If you're not, then I suggest you have a read, and realise he's lying to everyone, and you can do a whole lot better.

LegacyUser

Well OP, I'm not in the same situ as you, mainly cause I would've run a mile before getting involved with a man with ANY kids when I was your age.

But here's another angle on it: You are hopelessly smitten and you have accepted that.

Except that perhaps, underneath it all, you're not. Maybe you're falling in love with the drama. Maybe you're falling in love with the perceived virility of this man, with all his women and babies.

But whats he really got going for him? Charisma? Maybe but so do lots of guys. As the years roll on you will see that you meet charismatic types about once a year. It happens. What else has he got? Women? Lots of guys have lots of women but they don't CHOOSE to impregnate them and leave them lingering around. What else does he have? An interesting life story? By the age of 40, everyone has an interesting life stories, because they've got MORE story - only you don't see that because they don't wear them their sleeves like this guy does with his women and his kids.

And another, if this man was a real class act, after one month together you wouldn't know jack **** about his personal problems with this woman because he's be terrified of you finding out about all his muddling.

I don't want to denigrate love because its a great thing and a real thing and a real adventure and I'm sure you're getting a taste of it with this man, but you need to look at yourself. You were lonely before you met this man. Something about him triggered that lust/curiosity/comfort mix we call falling in love. But most people realise as they grow and mature that you can have this many people. And you will find this again.... and again... especially as by hooking up with this man you are just about choosing to be single again in a few years.

Do yourself a massive favour. Tell this man that you will see him again in 12 mnths when he has sorted his **** out and you have been to therapy because this is about YOU. You need to be clear about your needs before you start pandering to his.

Trust me. I wish I accepted the advice of the boardsies four years ago when I started that stupid affair with.......

(And nobody believes you're not the poster from the other thread either).

magneticimpulse

Run away from him. Read this book "Women who love too much" by robin norwood. You seem like you want to be caught up in this drama and its not healthy. Its not healthy to crave a man who is unavailable. He already has 2 other women in his life...regardless if he in a relationship or not they are definitely taking over his money, mind and time. Your 28, hes 40. Find someone who is 28 with no kids, wife. He blames the women in UK for getting pregnent...haha joke, im sure hes not to blame, he only had sex with her.

Run away and read the book!! Get all the self help books you can get. Read them and build up your confidence. You deserve better

daisybelle2008

This is at least the 3rd (although I am thinking 4th) thread the OP has started about this guy. I think the first was wondering how to make a move on this prize catch.

Anyway, it is a big ball of dysfunctional **** with a big flashing siren that no-one with an ounce of self-esteem would get involved in.

I am at a loss to understand what is in it for the OP. Deluding yourself you are happy and he is a 'soulmate' seems to be a feature for getting involved and putting up with industrial grade BS.

At 28 I would have thought she would be old enough to know better.


To the OP, Do read the book the other poster mentioned.

metrovelvet

Do his wife and kids know he is seperated?

daisybelle2008

metrovelvet wrote: »

Do his wife and kids know he is seperated?

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055712002

According to this thread he was single for 4 years and that is not true so would not think they are aware of his 'single' status.

dellas1979

My theory is that most women who over-bare on men - are actually lonely.
Its kind of the stance that its better to have something than nothing.

ok, its actually better to have nothing than all this drama, but the OP wont or isnt acknowledging why she is pursuing this man.

Ok, my theory expands

She can be one or all of the following (for what ever reason):
1. Lonely
2. Needy
3. Sad
4. Craves attention
5. Loves drama

Now, if she is 1,2 or 3 its something that can rectify itself in time and a nudge in the right direction might help. If its 4 or 5 or 12345 then there is something more deeply psychological going on that needs to be addressed.

lazygal

I agree that OP may be trying to get into a relationship with lots of drama, big highs and lows, and, ultimately, is doomed from the start. I was in relationships like this, never with a married man, but ones where I never knew where I stood, always pandered to the mans' needs and let people away with stuff I should have called them on because, if I'm really honest, I liked the rollercoaster ride.
I was just out of one of this "toxic" things when I met my current OH. He was 100% different. He called me up for dates, never messed me around, treated me well-not like Im a princess but just nice gentlemanly gestures that showed me he cared. This year, for the first time in my life, I had someone to take me out on my birthday (other years, the guy forgot!, broke up with me the day before! etc) which was lovely.
I'm not saying I want to be spoiled but this OP is putting up with cr%p I did and thank god I came to my senses and cut my losses with my old on again-off again messer ex and found my stable and level-headed man. The relationship I have is not the most exciting in the world by my god, its the most satisfying. We have drama in a good way and not a "where do I stand, he's dropped me for the kids/the wife/ the girlfriend" way.
OP if you want a relationship the right one is worth waiting for and you can and will do better for yourself than pursuing this nonsense. I had to give myself a wake up call and decide if I ALWAYS wanted to come second. As soon as I decided to stop getting distracted by charming toxic men, I became much more zen about things and met my current OH within a very short time. Someone better is out there, trust me, I found one who has turned my life upside down in the lovliest way I could ever have imagined.

Zaph

OK OP, time to give it a rest. You've started three threads with the same problem. I don't know what it is exactly you're looking for here, but I'm locking the threads and we'd rather you didn't start another one.