Am I the problem?

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this one.

I'm not sure what to make of this...Hopefully you guys can shed some light.

I was seeing my girlfriend (at the time) for about 17 months on and off. 9 months together and the 8months getting together and breaking up. It started out great but I felt really uneasy in the relationship as she used to go clubbing all the time to a singles club called Coppers (meat fest) and its usually a place where you go if your looking for a quick snog/shag. This I found was a bit odd, she said she would never cheat on me but I had my doubts about her going, as you will see why soon enough. I couldn't go myself cause I wasn't of age at the time.

She had a great personalty, would get on with anyone. But she was a bit of an attention seeker, loved getting attention off guys. Maybe for an ego boost...I'm not sure. She was a big flirt but she said she didn't realise. I always gave her attention, would listen to her moan about anything for hours, I was always there for her so she had no excuse looking for attention of other guys. She would come back with new phone numbers and if I asked who they were, she would say some guys she met at coppers and that they only wanted to be "friends". Here I felt she treated me like an idiot and she tried to act simple and innocent to what the guys were looking for. You don't go to that place to make "friends", end off discussion!

As time went on with her I started to loose grip on my mental capacity for her nights out. It drove me insane. One night she went out, hadn't heard from her all night till the following day until she rang me. She was saying she went to the club with her sister and they both ended up going to a flat where two guys lived (random guys from the club) and slept there. She told me she slept in one of the guys bed.

When I heard this my heart shrunk...I didn't know what to make of it. Staying in some random guys bed on a drunken night out, what was I supposed to think. She said nothing had happened but deep down I was really paranoid about the situation. Had sleepless nights over it, if I tried talking to her about it she would say "so you dont trust me?" So then I would just keep quiet.

About a week or 2 afterwards I lost my marbles and had, somewhat, of a mental breakdown. I couldn't handle it, got really paranoid over every little thing she did and would give out to her, actually started shouting at her.

I was not the same person, would be moody one minute and happy as Larry the next. Would actually believe I was going to move to a different county, packed everything and left the house a few times to reach the ferry... and when I realised what I was doing I stopped only be ashamed of what I was doing. OD'd on E, ended up in hospital. Tried taking my life a few times. I knew I couldn't carry on this way, this is not me!! So I made up a really big lie to break up with her and accused her of cheating (said my friend was in the club. One that she has never met, and said she was kissing him! I know...what was I thinking..."cringe moment") and also to try make her feel guilty about that night if something did happen. I regret that lie now but I really wasn't myself.
I still don't know to this day what really happened...
But good news is i'm back to normal, and i'm happy in college having the time of my life.

Anyway, current events. We haven't talked since middle of October. I texted her during the week asking how she was keeping. (Every now and again we would text each other out of the blue because that person misses the other person. Our feelings are out in the open because no point beating around the bush). And straight away she said she was missing me. Here is a kicker for ya...that day we started texting again I bumped into her on the bus and sat down beside her! We were both in shock cause it was just so random! She started hugging me straight away and put her head on my shoulder...as she used to do when we were going out. I was a bit shocked at that to be honest.

We get off the bus and then have a small chat about college, then as im about to leave she kisses me...she starts bringing up everything I did wrong in the relationship and how "I treated her so badly" and how "I was the cause of us breaking up" (but I don't know who's fault it was) but then a minute later she would say she was sorry for causing all the problems....contradict much?!
She then started saying we belong together, she still loves me to bits and that she sees us getting together in a few years and getting married...she asked if I wanted to get married but I pretended I didn't hear it and we discussed what we were doing about "us" now.

My question is, for those who have read this long post, what should I do? I don't know how I feel about this girl...I didn't say I loved her back because I simply do not know. I know I missed her and thats why I texted her. She said she has stopped going to the club which made me really happy hearing! But would I ever trust her again? Would we ever share that same bond as we had at the beginning, before things went out of control?

I deeply apologise in advance for the long post. Please go easy, feeling vulnerable about all of this as I've never told anyone this before.

Wagon

Well she wasn't exactly giving you any reason to trust her. I mean coming back with new guys numbers every night, staying in some randomers place (and sharing a bed with him). I mean, what person in a relationship shared a bed with a complete randomer they met in a club? This sent you over the edge (understandably) and you did what you needed to do to get your life on track again. you could have broken up with her better but when your head's all over the place, logical thought is a challenge. I know that from experience

I'd really advice against going out with her. You're life is great now and all's going sound and she just comes out with all this crap on the bus about how you two are meant to be together. I wouldn't trust her or anything she says at all and she sounds like she really likes the drama. If you have any doubts in your head, listen to them and walk. She had her chance and she fúcked it up.

jellyboy

Hi op...

There is no right or wrong...

How about going to speak to a counsellor? getting rid of the trust issuses ,and the projection of blame...

she isnt to blame for your breakdown nor is she to blame for you taking e and oding...

take responseabillty for your own actions and move foward...

of course her going to clubs,numbers etc reached in and touched the jealousy demon within and manifested in anger and irratinal thinking...

again id say theres no right or wrong or no blame...

go for it if you love/want it to work...

LegacyUser

Op you are NOT the problem


She sounds exactly like a friend of mine.
She blamed her angel of an ex despite her dreadful behaviour.
Walk away and keep your sanity. No matter what you do you will always be wrong.
You are happy now, move on and leave her to sort herself out, if she ever does.