Living in a mess!

Celvapan

Hi Guys,

Im new to this boards thing but I wanted to give it a go to see what advice ye could offer me...I've tried everything else I can think of...

I'm living with my long term boyfriend for the past few months, we have been together now for about 5-6 years altogether. The thing is that he doesnt do any cleaning at home...and when i say he doesnt do any cleaning I mean nothing at all...I end up having to do it all or else we have to live in the mess.

We have just moved into a new place and I really want this place to be tidy and clean and not having to clean the place every time someone says they are calling round. Its just a nuciance and very uncomfortable when the sofa throws smell coz no one has washed them in 2 months! I broke the subject with him this week and he accused me of being "psychotic" about the whole thing and said that I was always at him about cleaning. Is it too much to ask that the floor be swept and moped when something falls on it and gets everywhere?! Is it too much to ask that the sheets on the bed are changed every few weeks? Is it too much to ask that the piss is wiped off the toilet seat so that someone doesnt end up sitting on it (eugh!!)...The list is endless! I don't think its fair that I do all the cleaning all the time, all i want is for it to be shared equally between us.

I have already suggested he pay a cleaner to do his share (he said he cant afford that), then I said that I'll make a rota, though he is not sticking to the rota either... I dont know what else I can do? I dont want us having to live seperately but I dont want to live in a dirty hole either!!!

Please help...

Celvapan

Thanks for the reply sunflower, but I have already told him everything that you mentioned (pull the finger out, pay for a cleaner, Im not his mother etc) and it doesnt work. We end up having a massive argument and the next day he forgets all about it!!

I'm also not a walkover but I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall!!! He's just not listening!!

Also if I did move out and leave the place in a mess and let him clean it, he wouldnt bother himself!! I'd be comming back to a bombsight!! And guess who would end up having to clean it after months of tripping over stuff...Its as if he can't see the mess or the dirt...!

I have said twice this week alone that I will not be cleaning up after him, only to get the response that the place isnt dirty and i'm imagining it...I just dont know what else I can do...I have even threatened to move out if things dont change!!

Celvapan

He's not lazy when it comes to other stuff, it just seems to be cleaning that he has a hang up about! I think it goes back to the fact that his mum did everything for him...I often seen that he would drop something on the ground and either his sister or mum would pick it up...That to me is crazyyyyy!!! I dont like cleaning either but I do like the final result and so do it so that I feel happy and comfortable in my home... He just doesnt seem have the same outlook...

Celvapan

Yeah thats exactly how i feel...I have reached the end of my patience now after months of this...

Celvapan

Celvapan wrote: »

I have already suggested he pay a cleaner to do his share (he said he cant afford that)

Tell him either you hire a cleaner or his mother moves in, because you're neither.

Being too inconsiderate to lift the toilet seat up before peeing is just beyond me though ... any way of shaming him into doing that small thing?

shellyboo

Move out, OP. If talking to him didn't work, show him you're serious. Go stay with your parents and stick to your guns. Don't come back until the place is clean and habitable.

It might take a week, it might take a month... but stick to your guns. He needs to know you're serious.

Yeah, feck it ... this is decades of bad training and it'll take something drastic to make him see sense ... tell him either you hire a cleaner (and he learns to pee like a grown-up) or you're moving out.

shellyboo

Don't break up with him, though... just move out. Stay together but move out. Tell him since he's not willing to compromise, you can't live with him.


Just, out of curiosity, did he move straight from home to living with you?

Celvapan

shellyboo wrote: »

Move out, OP. If talking to him didn't work, show him you're serious. Go stay with your parents and stick to your guns. Don't come back until the place is clean and habitable.

It might take a week, it might take a month... but stick to your guns. He needs to know you're serious.

Yeah I cant go stay with my parents-I'm not living&working in the same county as them. Cant really move out of the place either as all my stuff is here and I need it for work...I shouldnt have to move out anyway, I am paying rent aswell!!

Celvapan

shellyboo wrote: »

Don't break up with him, though... just move out. Stay together but move out. Tell him since he's not willing to compromise, you can't live with him.


Just, out of curiosity, did he move straight from home to living with you?

More or less...I'm the first gf he has lived with. He lived at home most of his life...he has been away in Oz for a year (I saw the pictures of his room there and that was also a disgrace!!)

Celvapan

Deleted User wrote: »

Yeah, feck it ... this is decades of bad training and it'll take something drastic to make him see sense ... tell him either you hire a cleaner (and he learns to pee like a grown-up) or you're moving out.

Did this already this week. At present the toilet is pee free...But I guess that this will change after a week or two...Its not even just that...he doesnt even know to take the old food out of the sink catcher??!! He would leave it there till it rots!!

Celvapan

Deleted User wrote: »

Tell him either you hire a cleaner or his mother moves in, because you're neither.

Being too inconsiderate to lift the toilet seat up before peeing is just beyond me though ... any way of shaming him into doing that small thing?

Hmmm I dunno...I'd rather he just cleaned it without me having to tell him!!

shellyboo

Celvapan wrote: »

Hmmm I dunno...I'd rather he just cleaned it without me having to tell him!!

Well, that's not an option. He's not going to magically wake up and decide to be clean. That will never happen.

What might happen is that he realises how serious you are about this bothering you, and he gets a bit better. He will never, ever, be as clean as you want him to be, but he might improve a tad IF you show him you won't accept his behaviour.

But by living with him and cleaning up after him, you're showing him you DO accept it. So you have no option but to make a stand - how you do that is up to you.

Pocket Pillager

Aaah yes, it's that old one. Look, he's a child in a man's body. He's probably always going to be like this unless you treat him like you would cruelly train a dog, i.e., rub his nose in his mess/punch him every time he drops something on the floor.

Either you accept that he is a sloppy git who was never house trained and that you may as well be living with a child as well as him (at least a child can be disciplined/grounded) or you move on. I know which one I'd be going for. Personally, I like to feel I'm living with an adult. If I wanted to live with a child, I'd be getting myself pregnant.

Celvapan

shellyboo wrote: »

Well, that's not an option. He's not going to magically wake up and decide to be clean. That will never happen.

What might happen is that he realises how serious you are about this bothering you, and he gets a bit better. He will never, ever, be as clean as you want him to be, but he might improve a tad IF you show him you won't accept his behaviour.

But by living with him and cleaning up after him, you're showing him you DO accept it. So you have no option but to make a stand - how you do that is up to you.

He knows Im serious about this...We have had 2 massive rows about it this week alone...He knows that I dont want to put up with it. As i said in my origional post, he calls me psychotic when i bring it up coz he doesnt see the dirt and untidiness...As long as he is in denial about it I dont see how I can make him see it...And it doesnt matter how dirty the place is...he refuses to see it!

Celvapan

Pocket Pillager wrote: »

Aaah yes, it's that old one. Look, he's a child in a man's body. He's probably always going to be like this unless you treat him like you would cruelly train a dog, i.e., rub his nose in his mess/punch him every time he drops something on the floor.

Either you accept that he is a sloppy git who was never house trained and that you may as well be living with a child as well as him (at least a child can be disciplined/grounded) or you move on. I know which one I'd be going for. Personally, I like to feel I'm living with an adult. If I wanted to live with a child, I'd be getting myself pregnant.

Your post made me laugh! I think that you may well have hit the nail on the head-He sees me as "telling him what to do" and "trying to change him"...He doesnt see that when u are living with someone you cant act like you are in a boys pad...If cleaning was something that he was doing from a young age, i dont think I would be having this problem now...

Celvapan

shellyboo wrote: »

Well, that's not an option. He's not going to magically wake up and decide to be clean. That will never happen.

What might happen is that he realises how serious you are about this bothering you, and he gets a bit better. He will never, ever, be as clean as you want him to be, but he might improve a tad IF you show him you won't accept his behaviour.

But by living with him and cleaning up after him, you're showing him you DO accept it. So you have no option but to make a stand - how you do that is up to you.

Im not cleaning up after him for his sake...I'm doing it for my own sake...Id be getting sick if I had to use the toilet after a month of it not being cleaned...

shellyboo

Celvapan wrote: »

He knows Im serious about this...We have had 2 massive rows about it this week alone...He knows that I dont want to put up with it. As i said in my origional post, he calls me psychotic when i bring it up coz he doesnt see the dirt and untidiness...As long as he is in denial about it I dont see how I can make him see it...And it doesnt matter how dirty the place is...he refuses to see it!

He doesn't know you're serious or he'd do something about it.


Honestly, think about it. Is your boyfriend that cruel to KNOW something really, really, really bothers you and just let it continue? Would you stay with someone who treated you that way? Someone who ignored your feelings?

No, you'd be mad to. He does not understand how much this bothers you. Telling him hasn't worked, he just thinks you're nagging. You need to show him. Talking's not going to work.

LegacyUser

Shame and an eye opener is all that can work here IMO.

You've tried reasoning with him and it hasn't worked, but I'd try once more. Pre prepare a list of all the cleaning that HAS to be done to keep a place liveable. Calmly sit him down and discuss it, highlighting the list of tasks and how he doesn't do any of them. Do not get annoyed or aggressive or drawn into a row as you have before, stay calm and reasonable and stick to facts.

If this doesn't work you have to shame him or make him realise what it takes. Clean up after him for a week, but instead of tidying stuff away each time, dump them on his side of the bed. Gather his clothes he throws on the floor, his dishes he doesn't wash and leave them there. Any stuff he just leaves lying around and doesn't put away. When cleaning, dump any dust or crap from the sink or rubbish into one bag and leave that in front of his wardrobe, and so on. If he can't even be arsed to wipe the toilet seat, leave the tissues you have to clean it with in a plastic bag in front of his wardrobe as well. Or on his bed again (in a bag preferably!) if youv'e a spare bed you can sleep in for a few nights. He'll cop on soon enough hopefully as to how much needs doing.

Then if after that he still keeps it up I'm afraid you've hit an impasse - either stay with him and put up with it or break up with him. You may love him and he you but if you can't live together then that's as good a reason as any to finish things.

Good luck.

Celvapan

shellyboo wrote: »

He doesn't know you're serious or he'd do something about it.


Honestly, think about it. Is your boyfriend that cruel to KNOW something really, really, really bothers you and just let it continue? Would you stay with someone who treated you that way? Someone who ignored your feelings?

No, you'd be mad to. He does not understand how much this bothers you. Telling him hasn't worked, he just thinks you're nagging. You need to show him. Talking's not going to work.

I see what you mean and he does think im nagging about the whole thing, prob why he said I was psychotic about it...I dont wanna end up breaking up with hime over the whole thing, but I feel like that is the way we are headed.

Does anyone use a rota system? Would that be worth a try?

Nevyn

It will only work if he wants to make it work.

SarahSassy

Hit him in the pocket - get a cleaner in every week til he wises up.

LegacyUser

withhold sex.

not intentionally, like dont give the cold shoulder or anything, but if you are too knackered from cleaning up after him to do anything more than a kiss and a cuddle and roll over and go to sleep. tell him all the things you need to clean before bedtime. but be subtle, and sweet and send him off to bed without you. i did this to an ex, and told him that i felt like his mother, not his lover so and i didnt feel in the mood. took a few days but it did work.

but remember, you want him thinking 'if i help her finish the cleaning i might get the ride' rather than 'psycotic b'

shellyboo

clean girl wrote: »

withhold sex.

not intentionally, like dont give the cold shoulder or anything, but if you are too knackered from cleaning up after him to do anything more than a kiss and a cuddle and roll over and go to sleep. tell him all the things you need to clean before bedtime. but be subtle, and sweet and send him off to bed without you. i did this to an ex, and told him that i felt like his mother, not his lover so and i didnt feel in the mood. took a few days but it did work.

but remember, you want him thinking 'if i help her finish the cleaning i might get the ride' rather than 'psycotic b'

That's a surefire way to ruin a relationshop right there, or at least your sex life.

Don't use sex as a bribe or a reward. He's not a dog that needs training.

Kimia

I know that this is probably not what to want to hear OP and I'm ashamed to say it too, but I've been there (i'm the girl) and there was NOTHING i could do.

I did everything everyone said to do, i yelled, i spoke to him calmly, I did rota upon rota, i cajoled, i freaked out, i cried, i tried to hire a cleaner (that we couldn't afford), i did EVERYTHING. Well i didn't move out because i refuse to be forced out but everything else.

And nothing worked. Nothing. He's still the same. Well no, i'm being unfair. He's trying. He does the odd thing and he doesn't say i'm 'nagging' if we have to clean up when someone comes around.

But as far as regular on the spot cleaning - it's all up to me. Because i am the one who wants to live in a clean flat, he doesnt care.

And i don't know if it's he doesn't respect or care about me, it's like he literally does not understand that it's dirty or messy. It boggles my mind, but at this stage we either break up over it or agree to disagree and because he's wonderful in every other way i just deal with it.

After 3 years of it I just gave up. Maybe I'm sad and pathetic but I couldn't fight about it anymore without breaking up with him.

Kimia

Oh god I think I killed this thread! Sorry!