Depression

PIOP

Not sure what I'm looking for out of this post, except perhaps to simply say it all out loud. I suffer from depression, and have done for some years now. I recently took what was, to my mind, a big step and approached my GP for some help, as I feel I had gotten to a point where I couldn't do it myself any more, and I was feeling worse and worse (to the point of having suicidal thoughts once or twice).

I'm still awaiting a decision as to what particularly is wrong, as there is talk of bipolar disorder being on the table, as well as major depressive disorder and some other conditions. I have a contact number for a therapist, but have not yet made an appointment. And I have been taking antidepressants for a few months now, first at an "entry level" dose, then a raised dose after another consultation. My doctor thinks they are helping, I'm not sure if it's true. Shouldn't I be feeling better by now?

Right now, I'm in a bad way. I've been on a low for some weeks now, and I just can't seem to pull myself out of it. I sometimes have a few hours of happiness, but as soon as I'm alone again, or something doesn't go as expected, I'm at rock bottom. It seems that I can't shake this low, and it's always just waiting there to creep back up after any respite.

Today, I'm feeling quite ashamed of myself, because I reverted back to a very old habit last night. I'm not proud of it, I'm disgusted that I did. I used to cut myself some years ago, to deal with the way I was feeling. Sometimes I hurt myself quite badly and I eventually weaned myself off it. But I have fallen back into it a little bit again. Not quite cutting myself, but punching the steering wheel in my car hard enough to bruise and break knuckle skin, thumping myself in the legs (sometimes with other things) leaving large bruises, or scratching myself until I bleed. Last night I felt so low that I scratched a huge hole in my stomach. I know it'll scar and I can feel it hurting under my clothes as they rub off it. I'm so unhappy with myself for doing it, but I couldn't even help myself doing it last night.

I suppose that I'm just feeling like I can't talk to any of my friends or family about how I've been feeling. Some of them know that I have been feeling bad and taking medication, but many don't know the extent of exactly how bad I feel, and how often I feel it. Sometimes my parents will call me to make sure I'm up in the morning, and I'll have been awake for hours, just unable to move. Sometimes I'll still feel thoroughly exhausted and unable to get myself out of bed. Some days I can force myself through it, other days I just "robot" through the routine, ultimately accomplishing nothing at work and simply waiting until I can go back home and lie down, and not move.

I'm feeling a bit desperate really, and deeply lonely. I need to talk about it all, to have someone comfort me. But I don't feel like I have that right now. Mostly, I just feel worthless. Right now, I feel worthless.

PIOP

Thanks for you reply. I have spoken to the samaritans several times over the past few weeks, at particularly low moments when I was worried I might do something stupid. I have found them helpful, but right now, I'm not sure I can speak out loud about how I'm feeling. My voice just closes up and I can't talk.

I haven't had a drink since I started the medication, and I have been on it for 2-3 months now. I know it can take a little time to start working, I just expected that it would be working by now, I guess.