A short poem

partyatmygaff

Maybe

Maybe one day I'll see your face once more my love,
In the stars above, as shimmering and as sweet as the love we once shared,
The memories of that cursed day, when the wind blew fierce
And the sea grew wild, it haunts my heart.
It eternally taunts my soul and send shivers down my spine,
Of the day my love was taken way, yet our love is everlasting and our memories eternal.
Maybe once more, Maybe one day, we will be together again at last,
My love.

N.B. Read it slowly and pause with every comma
Well its not exactly 100% polished yet, rough draft so to speak, Only still in 5th year so go easy on the criticism :pac:

The poem came to my mind from Maybe and Love just in case anybody is wondering where I got the idea.

Grievous

I really liked it.

It looked well and it reads well.

Also. You didn't overuse the word Maybe (3 times) which is good. Somethimes people can overuse the title words in their poetry.

partyatmygaff

Grievous wrote: »

I really liked it.

It looked well and it reads well.

Also. You didn't overuse the word Maybe (3 times) which is good. Somethimes people can overuse the title words in their poetry.

I was actually thinking of using Maybe every 2nd line for structure at first :pac: Good thing I didn't then!

pickarooney

partyatmygaff wrote: »

The memories of that cursed day, when the wind blew fierce
And the sea grew wild, it haunts my heart.

It's not bad. The above lines are the best in it, in my opinion and if you could rework some of the others to a similar standard you could have a very good poem. Try, as much as possible, to steer clear of the clichés that plague romantic poetry, such as comparisons with the stars and souls and spines. The rougher imagery, of the wildness of nature, is much more effective than the more saccharine aspects of the poem which is, if I understand correctly, more about loss and pain than fond reminiscence.

There's no reason you can't feel a bit of both, but in a few short lines, working out one single, strong emotion will benefit your verse, I believe.

partyatmygaff

Maybe


Maybe one day I'll see your face once more my love,
In the stars above, shimmering and as sweet as the love we once shared under the same night sky.
The memories of that curséd day, when the winds blew fierce
And the sea grew wild as the heavens shed itself upon it
Haunt my heart.
Eternally taunts my soul and sends shivers down my spine,
Of the day my love was taken way, yet our love is as everlasting and sure as the darkness of the night sky.

Maybe once more, Maybe one day, we will be together again at last,
My love.

Note the accented é! I made a few changes here, Not 100% finished with it yet. I've a few ideas for it but I can't find reason to insert them into the poem.

The theme of this poem is Reminiscence and my aim in the poem is to intertwine the Sweet, Saccharine memories of the past with the bitter, painful and wild realities of the present so I can't really remove the sweet almost cliché 2nd and 3rd lines.

Its written in free verse by the way, Anyone have any suggestions?

Does anyone prefer the 1st or 2nd revision?

pickarooney

partyatmygaff wrote: »

Note the accented é!

Note the correct way to write it: è

What do the highlighted words refer to at the beginning of these lines - the face or the memories?

It eternally taunts my soul

Of the day my love was taken

Also, Memories... haunts my heart should, if I've read it right, be 'memory... haunts' or 'memories... haunt'.

You've already improved it a bit; keep at it.

partyatmygaff

pickarooney wrote: »

Note the correct way to write it: è

What do the highlighted words refer to at the beginning of these lines - the face or the memories?

It eternally taunts my soul

Of the day my love was taken

Also, Memories... haunts my heart should, if I've read it right, be 'memory... haunts' or 'memories... haunt'.

You've already improved it a bit; keep at it.

I know the correct way to write it but Alt Gr and the vowel is much easier :pac:

It is for the memories

Of is for both really.

That haunts on line 5 should be haunt didn't notice that thanks.

A few more edits and I should have a masterpiece :P

To The North

You have some really beautiful language in this, it creates wonderful images and a strong sense of what you were going through when writing this which I feel is quite important when trying to write out an experience like this.

I would perhaps suggest taking some of the words out like too many 'the's or 'as's so that it flows more freely. Let me give you an idea of what i mean, it may not be your style but see what you think:

Maybe I'll see your face once more my love,
In the stars above, shimmering and sweet as the love we once shared.

Memories of that cursed day, fierce wind, wild sea, haunt my heart,
Eternally taunting my soul, sending shivers down my spine.
The day our love was taken away.

Yet our love is everlasting, our memories eternal.

Maybe once more, maybe one day,
We will be together again.

Ok I didn't really intend to rewrite the whole thing there lol or to take away from your own particular style, I just wanted to give you a clear idea of what I meant! Please forgive me if I've overstepped the mark, it's my first time posting on this forum.

I find that sometimes taking out the words that don't have too much meaning to them can create more freedom in the images and they flow much more smoothly, as well as the actual wording of the poem flowing better from the tongue. It might not be to everyone's taste though and honestly what you've written is really great I don't think you need to change much

Also only in 5th year? Keep writing, you have a talent for it!

partyatmygaff wrote: »

Maybe

Maybe one day I'll see your face once more my love,
In the stars above, as shimmering and as sweet as the love we once shared,
The memories of that cursed day, when the wind blew fierce
And the sea grew wild, it haunts my heart.
It eternally taunts my soul and send shivers down my spine,
Of the day my love was taken way, yet our love is everlasting and our memories eternal.
Maybe once more, Maybe one day, we will be together again at last,
My love.

N.B. Read it slowly and pause with every comma
Well its not exactly 100% polished yet, rough draft so to speak, Only still in 5th year so go easy on the criticism :pac:

The poem came to my mind from Maybe and Love just in case anybody is wondering where I got the idea.

partyatmygaff

I see your point but I think it ups the tempo of the rhythm a bit too much. Those extra words all have broad vowels to slow down the poem. I want the emotions felt from each line to linger and reverberate throughout the verse.

I made a few edits in the 5th post in case you might of missed it as I noticed you quoted the first post, have a look and tell me what you think?

partyatmygaff

Maybe


Maybe one day I shall see your face once more my love,
In the stars above, shimmering and as sweet as love once shared under the veil of the night sky.
The memories of that curséd day, when the winds blew fierce,
when the sea grew wild as the heavens shed itself upon it
Haunt my heart.
Eternally taunts my soul and sends shivers down my spine.
Oh cursed be the solemn sorrowful memories
Of the day love was taken away, yet this love is as everlasting and sure as the darkness of the night.

Maybe once more, Maybe one day, we will be together again at last,
My love.

Its been a while but I think I may have made the final edit to this piece. Comments?

pickarooney

partyatmygaff wrote: »

Maybe

Of the day love was taken way, yet this love is as everlasting and sure as the darkness

Missing 'a' I think?

partyatmygaff

pickarooney wrote: »

Missing 'a' I think?

Yeah, I have to start proof reading