Passionate love

LegacyUser

Please dont jump down my throat. I'm in love with my boyfriend and he is with me-in fact I really feel he is more in love with me than vice versa. Hes great, really romantic, flowers and chocolates and is always saying he loves spoiling me. However, I don't think we are "romantically" or "passionately" in love. Any of my friends in relationships have always had lots of ups and downs, drama and big make-ups after rows. We don't disagree, we have very similar views on politics, art, music etc and if we "row" its usually about something to do with our feelings on current affairs and not us or our relationship. I feel a bit silly for thinking this but sometimes I wonder if we need a bit more "oomph" (can't think of a better word). Things are so great between us and we have dicussed the future and where we're going, he was very eager to call me his girlfriend and he said from the night we met he knew how he felt, so I know how he feels about me. I also know I really feel this is "it" and we could spend the future together. We're not yet living together (although we are looking for houses, I own my own place so I'm trying to sell mine) and when I'm alone at home I really miss him and think about how nice it will be to be together all the time, when I can cook him dinner and we can do lots of things together. Is this a bit sad and domestic? I've a friend with a real on-again/off-again BF and it sound ridiculous but I feel like some drama would be nice. Should I be careful what I wish for and be over the moon that life with him will be smooth sailing and be happy I have so much love in my life and forget about passion?

shellyboo

drama and passion aren't the same thing, at all! Fighting is not passion. Passion is loyalty and love and friendship and sex and security. Enjoy what you have, it sounds amazing!

Wibbs

Well I won't jump down your throat anyway.:) OK flame away folks as this is just my take.....

I think it's to do with emotional excitement mostly. The on/off/on again relationships, while logically appear untenable and even a little daft to you and others, do have emotional excitement. Basically they're not dull. I think women feel this more than men IMHO as a general thing anyway.

Women tend to need more emotional engagement with their lives, environment and partners than men, again as a broadly general thing. I am not saying this is a bad or good thing either. It's just different.

Often if the healthy emotional engagement isn't present, passion but more usually "drama" is the substitute or they mistake one for the other. I think a lot of men make the mistake of missing that. I would say that men generally like the status quo emotionally. That could be why more of them settle down into a rut romantically and emotionally once they are sure they're in love. Womens emotional needs seem to be more dynamic.

This I think is where your conflict comes from. Plus you in a way are leading the emotional attachment more than him. As you say you know he loves you. You also suspect he loves you slightly more than you love him. Again that seems like a great setup, but there's that niggle in the back of your head. You would prefer to have him lead slightly more than you are. Only slightly mind. I have come to the conclusion rightly or wrongly that a woman wants a man to love her 99% and be sure of that, but its the 1% where the desire lies for her. You could argue that's the same of men, but I think with men its a lesser issue generally. This is why I reckon you will get a few men on thread being incredulous and irritated by this.

Then if we throw in the aspect of your women mates with the more obvious "passionate" relationships. Its natural for all of us to think the grass may be greener elsewhere in some way. That's attractive too.

So what do you do? I would say, enjoy that he loves you. Don't try to push him to see how much you can push him. I can guarantee many women(and men) out there will envy what you have. But like you in a small way we all envy what we dont have and maybe neglect what we do have.

This conflict will pass I reckon. If you're still together in years to come you'll look back and see why. You may even look back and be still slightly nostalgic for what you think you were missing. But the intervening years of you both living your lives together, both up and down will bond you more than drama ever could, no matter how attractive it may seem at times now and in the future.

TL;DR? You may be feeling "is this it?" and my answer would be, yes it likely is and by your description a better "it" than many can look forward to.

My 2 cents anyway.

krudler

Some people enjoy drama, I have no time for it tbh, and like shellyboo said passion and drama arent the same thing, given the option most people would take a loving relationship over one with fights and more downs than ups any day of the week, I've been in toxic relationships and all they do is drive you nuts, so I'll stick with my safe, loving relationship with occasional argument (and amazing makeup sex ) for now. The ones with drama and arguments and "passion" also included misery, gameplaying, lying and eventual hatred, no thanks

Gyalist

passionfree wrote: »

Please dont jump down my throat. I'm in love with my boyfriend and he is with me-in fact I really feel he is more in love with me than vice versa. Hes great, really romantic, flowers and chocolates and is always saying he loves spoiling me. However, I don't think we are "romantically" or "passionately" in love. Any of my friends in relationships have always had lots of ups and downs, drama and big make-ups after rows. We don't disagree, we have very similar views on politics, art, music etc and if we "row" its usually about something to do with our feelings on current affairs and not us or our relationship. I feel a bit silly for thinking this but sometimes I wonder if we need a bit more "oomph" (can't think of a better word). Things are so great between us and we have dicussed the future and where we're going, he was very eager to call me his girlfriend and he said from the night we met he knew how he felt, so I know how he feels about me. I also know I really feel this is "it" and we could spend the future together. We're not yet living together (although we are looking for houses, I own my own place so I'm trying to sell mine) and when I'm alone at home I really miss him and think about how nice it will be to be together all the time, when I can cook him dinner and we can do lots of things together. Is this a bit sad and domestic? I've a friend with a real on-again/off-again BF and it sound ridiculous but I feel like some drama would be nice. Should I be careful what I wish for and be over the moon that life with him will be smooth sailing and be happy I have so much love in my life and forget about passion?

Two words - sexual tension. That's what your relationship is lacking.

Every good play, every good novel, every great piece of music, they are all based on the concept of tension and release. The same with all good relationships, and of course it's also a prerequisite for great sex.

Most men prefer an easy life - everything settled in a predictable pattern but that is not the way that most women think. They actually crave the emotional highs and lows that drama in the relationship brings. It's one of the reasons that so many men are blindsided when what they thought was the perfect relationship falls apart. They get caught up in providing for the family and all the other practical matters and neglect the emotional side of the relationship.

I suspect that your boyfriend disagrees with you more than you think but that he is too in awe of you to do so or just agrees with you for an easy life or for fear of losing you.

You don't even live together and you feel this way - it's not going to get better when you do unless he realises that there is a problem and tries to address it but it seems that he is happy with the status quo.

While I don't advocate the type of relationship that your friend has, it has to be borne in mind that drama and a happy, successful relationship are not mutually exclusive.

kenbrady

this is good http://sivers.org/drama

Beetlebum

kenbrady wrote: »

this is good http://sivers.org/drama

Heh...I'm really glad you posted that. I'm a girl who always claims she hates drama but at the same time I do get this urge to shake things up a bit when the banality of day to day life kicks in. I notcie that I'll even be snappy with my flatmate out of boredom and I'lla dmit taht I do create drama somtimes but until reading that I didn't get why.

Good work Ken!

mood

shellyboo wrote: »

drama and passion aren't the same thing, at all! Fighting is not passion. Passion is loyalty and love and friendship and sex and security. Enjoy what you have, it sounds amazing!

Agree

LegacyUser

kenbrady wrote: »

this is good http://sivers.org/drama

That kind of sums up things very nicely! I really do appreciate what I have. I have been in relationships where Ive been wondering how he feels about me and where its all going but this has been different - in a good way- from the start. Maybe this is how it feels when you meet someone you're happy to be with for life-the drama just isn't necessary because the relationship is solid and full of happiness.