so hard to say goodbye

rachael22

i have been dating a man for nearly a year, living with him since March and i do love him. Before i met him i had very high self esteem and confidence. I am a decent looking 46 year old with a professional job,great family values and a big heart. My bf is model stunning but when i met him found him very sweet and down to earth. Shortly after we moved in together i found out that he was bipolar. I chose to stay and eductae myself as much as i could and to try hard to be there for him.During our time together i found him trying to pick up couples and women from internet sites ( in APril) i almost left but he insisted it was his disease and he would get help. That was short lived but i did not believe he had ever really cheated. HIs bipolar has caused bouts of depression, where he is unusually loving to me , followed by long periods of time where he is verbally and emotionally abusive. He calls me names, curses and makes me feell like trash. He also has been unable to keep a job and i have been supporting us totally for most of our time toegether. This cycle has been going on since March. Recently i found an email from him to a man he met on the internet, attempting to hook up. That was the last straw and i tried to kick him out but he cried how much he loves and needs me. I laid down rules that had to be followed until he got back into therapy which included staying off the computer. They lasted a copuple of days and he has since gotten incredibly abusive. He was put on additional meds so that may be the cause. He is mentally ill but i have begun therapy. I end up telling him to leave but have aways forgiven him and asked him to come back. I used to love the gym, i rarely go now and gained about 15 pounds since i met him. I feel horrible. I know in my head i have to walk away( actually throw himout since i pay for the apt)- why on earth is it so hard for me to do. I am totally emotionally abused and feel terrible. ON another note my ex husband, who is the total opposite of my bf, still loves me and wants me back. Right now i am sleeping on his couch because going home is so miserable. What is wrong with me and why can't i make a clean- no contact break with this abuser?????

LegacyUser

Well you said it yourself. He abuses you and undermines your confidence, both overtly and subtly, which is a way of keeping you, because it makes you think you've got no other options. His flip-flopping treatment of you is only playing with your head, too.

You've also gained weight and probably feel less attractive in yourself - has he had much of a role in that? I bet he makes comments on it, too.

He's not emotionally and verbally abusive because he's bipolar - he's abusive because he's an asshole. Having bipolar disorder does not give someone license to be a dickhead, yet he's clearly using his illness as an excuse to be one. OP, it's painfully obvious and simple what you need to do here - DTMFA. Simple as. And then lose that weight again, get back out there and meet someone who deserves you.

Good luck.

hornyfemale

I wouldn't go jumping back into a relationship with your ex but I would lose the bf. He's bad for you. You don't deserve this. You aren't the one who needs help, he is. You need to be strong and stick to your guns when telling him to move out. Have your ex there with you when you do it for support if you need it.
You have a big heart and he's taking advantage of you.

kenbrady

Having someone need you is a very strong emotion. It makes you feel special, but it is not love.
He is not well, he is using you, he needs to get better on his own, having to stand on his own two feet will speed up the process. Tell him to get better and see if he comes back when he no longer requires you.

Abusive
Taking away your confidence and self worth
A drain on your finances
Looking to hook up with other men/woman
No respecting the rules when you gave him another chance

VS

Stunning
Needing you
Saying he loves you

Be prepared for a tough time when you throw him out, but it's for the best.

Just to be clear ... irritability, hostility and aggression are common symptoms of manic depression.

HOWEVER ... trying to pick up men, women and couples on the internet is a new one on me.

Rachel, for your own mental (and physical!) health you need to break from this person. He has lied to you from the start (I'm assuming HE knew he was bi-polar but ommitted to mention it before he moved in) and is now slowly but surely chipping away at your self-confidence in order to ensure his own comfort and security. His behaviour (regarding the internet) shows that he cares nothing for you other than as a care-giver and financier.

On a practical level, the best way you can do that is try to reassure yourself he has somewhere to go and then move him out.

You were stronger before you met him, you just need to call on those reserves that I'm sure you have and turn your life around before it's too late.

All the best

martdalto

I work in a psychiatric hospital, one of the matron years ago used to tell the new students one thing.. Mental illness is no excuse for bad manners.

You find it hard to leave because he is making it hard on you. Begging and blaming his illness. It might seem heartless, but you don't really owe him anything. You are getting nothing out of the relationship at the moment. If you are sleeping on your ex husbands couch because you can't go back to your own apartment, that you pay for, it's time to stop.

I don't know how you physically go about getting him to move out. But, if he truly loves you, then he will respect your wishes. It doesn't necessarily have to be the end. But he must respect your right to a bit of peace and happiness until he gets himself sorted out.

Even though it is HE who is depressed, you are also suffering, and you have a right to say you don't want that anymore.

LegacyUser

I could have written a lot of what you've put down here OP. I also dated a man with bi-polar and he had the same mood swings, affectionate and considerate to immature, hostile and downright aggressive. I'm afraid it didn't end well for me, he became increasingly difficult to be with and my confidence was being severely eroded. I eventually called an end to it and it was extremely difficult but I had to stick to my guns even though he begged, literally got down on his knees (it still bothers me to think about it), and I really felt like I was kicking him while he was down.

A lot of his behaviour was the bi-polar no doubt, but I found he used to blame it for his bad manners, lack of consideration to my friends and family and other serious issues. The truth is that dealing with this condition is very very draining and I came out of my relationship emotionally bruised and battered.

I say do it like taking off a plaster, be firm, be kind but stand your ground. If you want out, leave. It will only do you harm in the long term to stay. You can't take the abusive behaviour, it's simply unacceptable.

rachael22

Thank you- for all of your help- my head has known for a veryl ong time that this was a terrible situation but my heart has overtaken my head. Everytime he is sweet and affectionate i hang on to that scrap of hope. Everyone in my life( friends) have urged me to leave from the begining. I know it is what needs to be done. So funny, before him, i didnt take crap from anyone. I had rules and i stuck to them- 1 lie and you are out---this relationship has been riddled with lies from day 1. Frankly if i hear him tell me one more time how horrible i am and that i am the crazy one- i think i will SCREAM. Anyhow, what i did not mention is that he is volitile and vindictive so i need to do this carefully and peacefully. He was justifiably let go from a job at the end of the summer and got back at his boss by ruining his marraige( boss was cheating and he told the wife---another story - but still wasnt his business there were 2 young children involved). He has also made comments about his ex- who is actually a very good woman that he has a 7 year old with. She and i get along well, he and she hate each other. But his venom for her is downright scary at times. He knows my job is extremely professional and my company frowns on negative personal issues so he has threatened to call my compnay president to make up stories that would get me fired---( again--WHY AM I WITH THIS MAN?). After therapy lastnight i went back to the apt and had a relatively peaceful evening- though i know if he really did love me, he'd have been happier to see me after 3 nights away. I plan to go home again tonight and keep the peace. At the end of the night tonight or tomorrow, I am going to tell him that i think it would be best for both of us to take a break....no contact for a few days , to think things over. I will tell him that i think at this point it is the only way we can both decide what is best without hating each other. I will leave knowing i will not be back but after a few days i will see him and tell him nicely that i will always care for him but i think we both need to be happy. I will tell him he should get himself together and move out as soon as he can and that he should let me know when he is out so i can go back home. AFter that i know i will not emotionally be able to handle any contact with him. This is very painful. I wish i could actually give him what he deserves and just toss him out but i feel to protect myself i have to do it this way. I just hope I have the strength to go through with it this time. I want my life back! But i do love this jerk for some reason adn saying goodbye to someone you love is really really hard-

rachael22

Thanks to allof you for your advise- I DID IT- last night on the way home he staretd yelling at me and telling me what to do and i suddenly got a boost of strength- I said " Who the F*&% do yout hink you are talking to I"ve had it" he told me on wednesday that if i ever asked him to leave he didnt care anymore because he had a place to stay - keepign thatin mind i went home adn packed aas much as i could - includign his medication() which clearly isnt working) his toiletries, cmostof his clothes, his coats and shoes and a box of his paperwork, and set it outside on the porch- it odl him to come and get it and not to contact me for any reason again- that i woudl contact him when it was convenient that he come and get the rest of his things and his furniture- I locked the lock he had no key to and left feeling empowered and in control for the first time in months_ he texted me several times- i answered what needed to be answered and also tol dhim i had no desire to hurt him. HOwever- i told reminded him that i had several very incriminating emails printed and that if he tried to cause an issue for me with my friends, fmaily or work, i would call child services adn turn over what i have and make a statement. I think that will keep him from trying to hurt me. This mornign i emailed his broterh to explain what was going on and ask hi m to watch out for him for me- Right now i feel good- If i can get through the next week without a step back or too much emotional pain- i will be ok--- tahnk you again for alliof it- its very hard to say goodbye tosoemone youlove so much but the bad overtook the good in this man and he needs to take care of himself now. It is his loss-