Moving on after a bad break up

Exclamation Marc

Hi all,

I'm not really sure what I'm writing this for, I guess maybe any advice or helpful words would be great.

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 1 year (I'm 24, she's nearly 23), we'd been on and off for a year or so before that. We've had good and bad times in the relationship, I suppose more clashes than a normal couple but the happiness was definitely there more often than not.

About 6-8 weeks ago we had our last clash and we decided to keep going and try really hard because we loved each other. Those 6-8 weeks were amazing, we had so much fun and it really felt like things were going somewhere, more fun times than we had in a long time. On Saturday night after a night out she disappeared when I was meant to pick her up from the club (off the drink for November), phone ringing out etc. She finally appeared the next day at lunchtime after a night of worry on everyone from her sister to her friends part.

She told me she went to an afterparty in town and back to a guys house for a further afterparty and she slept in a bed with girls in the spare room (this guy I've never been a fan of, as he's tried bootie calling her before). I told her I was hurt and she said that I was being silly and I told her behaviour was sneaky (she had told her friends she was with me, and text her mum she was with friends) but she told me not go there suspecting her of anything. None-the-less she was in good form.

I believed her, defended her to my friends etc. I spent some time with her that night and we cuddled and kissed and all seemed ok. I told her though to think about what she did, as just being there was hurtful enough. The next day she said she wanted to break up because she felt like she shouldn't be with me if she treats me like that and that she needs counselling clearly and can't do it while in a relationship. I spent hours telling her not to be silly and that of course we can get through this, its a blip and one we can get over, that she was a great person, and stop worrying.

Then I questioned how all this came about after one nights thinking. Then I asked her did something happen on Saturday to bring this on. She bit her lip. I asked if she cheated on me, she nodded. With him? She nodded. I flipped out and started shouting and after a very brief one way argument I left. Turns out the afterparty didnt exist, it was just her and him in the house, they got a taxi back, they kissed and fooled around (and apparently didnt sleep together but stayed in the same bed). She says now this shows she wasnt fully in the relationship, so its now over.

I'm not saying I would have forgiven her for cheating, but I would have respected her if she even tried or wanted to repair it. She says she's gutted she hurt me, but isn't sad it's over as clearly that's what she wanted deep down. If she really loved me, I assumed she wouldn't walk away.

I'm really struggling to get through this right now. That was Monday, its now Wednesday. The overriding feeling is that I miss her, and I'm so so hurt and heartbroken. I know we'd never work and as much as my heart says that I want her, my mind tells me not. I could realistically never trust her again. I really want to be angry at her, but I'm too upset to even try.

I guess I'm just unsure what to do from here. My friends are saying not to contact her, which from today I will do. I just can't get over what she has done seeing as things were so good. I can't understand why she did it, and more so why she hasn't tried to repair it if she truly loves me. Walking away when things were so good upto that point is something I can't get to grips with. My friends (and hers) say that I'm better without her and that she was too selfish and demanding and me too nice for it to ever work properly.

I guess I just need advice what to do now, as the grief and saddness is starting to consume me, and I really don't want it to. I keep thinking of the happy times and holidays and I miss all the smiles etc, when I probably should be hating her for doing this to me. I guess I want her to hug and kiss it better even though it never can be made better. I'm in college three days a week for 2 hours so it's not as if I have a job or massive committments I can focus on.

extrinzic

That's really tough to get over, and all you can do is take your time. Your friends are probably right about her selfishness. I was in love with somebody that broke my heart recently (months ago). I can tell you, upon reflection, she was very selfish. At the time, I didn't really see it, but thinking back now, I can remember how it really was. Hurtful as it is, you should accept (in your own time) that she is gone, and you don't want her back. If I ever fall in love again, I wont be chasing after some girl as if she was a princess on a pedestal. I'll be paying closer attention to her attitude, and not making excuses for her. I'm sorry things aren't different, but they are the way they are. Perhaps, you will have a happier life without her, and this pain may ironically be worth it. Take some time to grieve, and go out and meet people. Don't get involved with anyone else, not for a while anyway. It is so much more rewarding to find out more about yourself. What do you like? Try out new things and surprise yourself. Oh, and don't contact her, it isn't worth it. Almost anyone here will tell you that.

Edit: Be angry.. may as well get it out of your system.

kenbrady

FireballPitcher wrote: »

On Saturday night after a night out she disappeared when I was meant to pick her up from the club (off the drink for November), phone ringing out etc.

She finally appeared the next day at lunchtime after a night of worry on everyone from her sister to her friends part.

She knew you were picking her up and still decided to cheat and she didn't contact you until the next day

FireballPitcher wrote: »

She told me she went to an afterparty in town and back to a guys house for a further afterparty and she slept in a bed with girls in the spare room (this guy I've never been a fan of, as he's tried bootie calling her before).

I told her I was hurt and she said that I was being silly and I told her behaviour was sneaky (she had told her friends she was with me, and text her mum she was with friends)

She was fully aware what she was doing and went to great lengths to plan her cheating by covering her tracks with her friends and mother, but couldn't careless about you.

She cheated and she wanted to get caught. Suck it up and never contact her again. Don't use the excuse that lots of guys use, "I only replied because I didn't want to seem rude" she's scum forget about her.

rachael22

breakups are so hard- try as hard as you can NOT to contact her- i am going through almostthe same right now. Take 1 day at a time and hopefully each day will get easier for you-

rizzee

O.P, sorry to hear, what your going through must be hell. You deserve more than that bitch and in a months time you'll be like ''why did I bother?'' You deserve better

Exclamation Marc

Thanks all. Its just quite hard to take my mind off things. As is usual with most long-term relationships, she did eventually become my best friend, so I've really lost my girlfriend and best friend, and the change in routine is really tough (ie no texting her etc). Sometimes I just feel so depressed, but I'm glad the common concensus is not to talk to her, I'll stick to that.

magneticimpulse

sounds awful. dont worry we are not all like that. its only a select few women that treat guys that badly, so dont give up. get out there and make new friends