boyfriend problems: been going out 2yrs & have not met his family

mary55

Hey I have this problem with my boyfriend. I have been going out with him for almost two years now. I still have not met his family. He says its because its just something that is done in his family. They introduce their boyfriends / girlfriends unless they are basically gonna get married to them and they are serious about them. What does everyone think about this?

Also I have another problem I only see him once a week I know he works quite long hours and he goes to college so I know not be able to see him that often. But just once a week is basically all I get. He just basically comes down say on a Friday night or Saturday night we go out and then he goes home and I dont see him again till the next weekend. Then he says he cant come down Sundays either cos he is busy with his family. He doesn't have to work on Sundays and obviously has no college. He just seems to go off with his family on Sundays taking them places. I mean I'm not trying to get in the way of him spending time with his family but I mean every Sunday couldnt he just spend every second Sunday with them or something. He lives with them all week like. what does eveyone think of this?

But for those faults he treats me like a princess and he is always nice to me and he says he loves me and rings every night. And I know he wouldn't cheat on me. And when we go out or are together we have a really good time. But these other issues I have mentioned really do bother me. What should I do?

LegacyUser

OP
Im a very compartmentalised person and find it really easy to divide my life into work, friends, boyfriend, family (not always in that order!). My boyfriend couldn't wait to introduce me to his parents and had me down in his brother's house and out with his friends very soon after we started going out. I, on the other hand, don't really care about him meeting family ect becaue we're going out and I don't need a "seal of approval" from friends or family to cement my feelings for him. He'll meet my family some day, he's met a few of my friends, but I've never understood the need for everything in your life to merge-I noticed a thread on here about a girl who spent too much time with her boyfriends friends, that would be a nightmare!
If its a concern talk to him but maybe he's just like me and has everything in seperate boxes.

Kimia

I know this sounds mad, but have you actually told him any of this?

It boggles my mind how people come on here and post a huge long message when the whole thing can be solved by just talking to your oh about it.

If you did say it to him already, what did he say? Sounds dodge to me..

daisybelle2008

sounds like he may be married. How old is he? I find it all very suspicious. This looks like a mistress scenario.

Also he says in his family have no introductions until they are serious. So basically he is saying after 2 years he is not serious about you?

Your relationship is not progressing in that case.

Personally I would not accept this. It would be a dealbreaker for me and you don't seem happy with it.

Have you met many of his friends?
Have you been away on holidays?
Is he from a different part of the county/country and do you socialise in his home town?
Does he genuinely live at home with his parents? Have you evidence of this? Does he have a land line at home that you ring?
Have your friends expressed suspicions about his circumstance?

dublingal80

Kimia wrote: »

I know this sounds mad, but have you actually told him any of this?

It boggles my mind how people come on here and post a huge long message when the whole thing can be solved by just talking to your oh about it.

If you did say it to him already, what did he say? Sounds dodge to me..

COMMUNICATION!! Its the key to every relationship. There is nothing I could keep from my OH. he is my best friend so no matter what the issue is, i always go to him first. Even if the issue is with him too, ALWAYS talk about it
and 10 mins later, eveyrthing is sorted and no more problems

Just chat to him!!!! When he realises that meeting his family is important to you, he will make it happen, even if its just informally... like popping into his house for 10 mins before heading back out again.

martdalto

(AARGH! I had a long reply posted and lost it!)

Short version. It sounds like he's married.

Everything you say - only seeing you 1 night a week, treats you like a princess, always nice to you, won't introduce you to his family (not until he's "serious" about you. It's been 2 years. How long does it take?) Too busy to have you call to where he lives, always calls to where you live.

I would be shocked if he wasn't married, and surprised if the thought hasn't crossed your mind at this stage.

You are not his girlfriend. You can't be someones girlfriend 1 night a week for 2 years. He says he won't introduce you to his family until you are "serious"? Does his family even know he is going out with someone?

I would really, really be highly suspicious of this set-up.

At the end you asked what you could do.... if you haven't already, TALK TO HIM. TELL HIM.

If he takes on board and addresses what you have said, then of course, you can work it out. If he doesn't and dismisses you, you have to ask yourself if you're happy being a part-time gf (or mistress), or would you prefer to cut your loses and move on with someone who is available to be your bf?

krudler

Me and my girlfriend have been seeing each other 2 years since last week and have yet to meet each others families, in pretty much the same situation, we both work and are doing night courses so only get 1, 2 at the most nights to ourselves during a week, doesnt bother me in the slightest, I'm not going out with her family i'm going out with her.

mary55

QUOTE=daisybelle2008;62956635]sounds like he may be married. How old is he? I find it all very suspicious. This looks like a mistress scenario.

Also he says in his family have no introductions until they are serious. So basically he is saying after 2 years he is not serious about you?

Your relationship is not progressing in that case.

Personally I would not accept this. It would be a dealbreaker for me and you don't seem happy with it.

Have you met many of his friends?
Have you been away on holidays?
Is he from a different part of the county/country and do you socialise in his home town?
Does he genuinely live at home with his parents? Have you evidence of this? Does he have a land line at home that you ring?
Have your friends expressed suspicions about his circumstance?[/QUOTE]

To answer your questions Daisybelle.
Yes I have met some of his friends but normally we just go out ourselves.
Yes we away during the last bank holiday wkend in October for a few days.
He lives about 45 mins from me. I have been out alrite a few times where he lives.
Yes he does live at home well I think he does his always talking about his dad and sister who live with him.
I just ring him on mobile as calls are free.
Ya I told one of my friends about it she said it sounds a little odd alrite.
I mean I just dont really know what to do. I don't want to break up but all this stuff just keeps coming up again and again.
I tried to talk to him about him coming around more and he said he would try but that was like a few months ago and things still havent really changed.
should break up or what should I do?

martdalto

krudler wrote: »

Me and my girlfriend have been seeing each other 2 years since last week and have yet to meet each others families,

But have you refused to let her meet your family, or has she refused to let you meet hers. That's what OP's bf has done!

Op, you ask what you can do.. only you can decide that. If you are happy with the arrangment, then stick with it.

If not, and the fact that you posted says you're NOT ok with it, then you need to raise it with him and let him know that you are really not happy. Let him know that you are upset by alot of what does/doesn't go on in your relationship. If he's serious about you being a couple then he will make an effort to address some, of the issues, if he knows how much it means to you. If he's not, well then, only you can decide.

Miss Fluff

mary55 wrote: »

I tried to talk to him about him coming around more and he said he would try but that was like a few months ago and things still havent really changed.

If he knows you are worried and insecure about it he should really be trying everything in his power to reassure you that there is nothing dodgy going on and be able to spend more time with you. And he's not doing that. On reading your post the first thing I thought of it that he is already involved/married. It certainly sounds all very strange. It sounds from your post that you have never stayed over in his place?

mary55

to answer the questions ye asked.
I have let him meet my family. When he comes round to my house at the wkend he always meets them.
No I haven't stayed at his house but he has stayed at my house. He isnt married there is no way he can be surely after two years he would have left something slip if he was and plus he is only 24 so im sure he isnt.

LegacyUser

if he's not married then he is in a long lerm relationship.

there is an easy way to sort this, tell him you have want to have a weekend away with him in next few weeks. Fri morn to Monday

see what he says, if he flips and does anything to avoid it then you know he is srtringing you along.

Or else tell him you want to visit his place. Again his reaction will tell you everything.

I'm sorry to be negative but if he is not already in a serious relationship I'll eat my hat. Its screaming out at you.

Kirnsy

while his behaviour is indeed odd, i think people are jumping to conclusions to say that he is married! we don't know anyone in this relationship so before accusations fly we should get firm facts:

1) have you talked to him properly OP about it? as in sat him down and told him its an issue with yourself as opposed to a casual remark about meeting his family?
2)id ask him what he means about being serious?? surely after two years he's serious no?
3)emphasize you want to see him more. that one night a week isn't enough and that these issues are dealbreakers. Then answers will emerge.

daisybelle2008

mary55 wrote: »

QUOTE=daisybelle2008;62956635]sounds like he may be married. How old is he? I find it all very suspicious. This looks like a mistress scenario.

Also he says in his family have no introductions until they are serious. So basically he is saying after 2 years he is not serious about you?

Your relationship is not progressing in that case.

Personally I would not accept this. It would be a dealbreaker for me and you don't seem happy with it.

Have you met many of his friends?
Have you been away on holidays?
Is he from a different part of the county/country and do you socialise in his home town?
Does he genuinely live at home with his parents? Have you evidence of this? Does he have a land line at home that you ring?
Have your friends expressed suspicions about his circumstance?

To answer your questions Daisybelle.
Yes I have met some of his friends but normally we just go out ourselves.
Yes we away during the last bank holiday wkend in October for a few days.
He lives about 45 mins from me. I have been out alrite a few times where he lives.
Yes he does live at home well I think he does his always talking about his dad and sister who live with him.
I just ring him on mobile as calls are free.
Ya I told one of my friends about it she said it sounds a little odd alrite.
I mean I just dont really know what to do. I don't want to break up but all this stuff just keeps coming up again and again.
I tried to talk to him about him coming around more and he said he would try but that was like a few months ago and things still havent really changed.
should break up or what should I do?[/quote]


Well after 2 years it is not unreasonable to want to go to his home (or know who he lives with and where). If he cannot bring you to his home or meet his family to allay your doubts then there is a very good reason.

He is hiding something, I'd put my house on it. But even if he is not, the fact that you only spend one night a week together and he is unwilling to increase it means your relationship is hardly going to progress to serious enough for his benchmark for meeting his family.

It is time for him to p*ss or get off the pot. If he cares about you he would not want you to have any doubts.

mary55

He is not in a relationship or married he just cant be.
I suppose he cant help not calling around more often sometimes cos he does work really long hours he could be working till 9 or 10 o clock sometimes. And also he goes to college and he has a demanding enough course which does require a lot of studying. So he can't help it sometimes.

I kind of mention these issues sometimes but I kind of havent mentioned about his family in a while but recently I have mentioned about him seeing me more often and he said he would work on it. I figure one thing a time.

But I mean I really do care him and I know he cares about me but he just makes it so hard sometimes to be with him.

mood

I agree that it sounds like he is already in a relationship (unlikely to be married at 24).

When you go out in him home town do you go to pubs etc where you bump into people he knows (this would be a good sign) or does he take you to places where he knows nobody (bad sign)?

Does he answer the phone when you ring or does he let it goes to voice mail and ring you back? Does he answer his phone in front of you and leave it lying around in front of you?

When you meet his friends and go out in his home town did he act like a boyfriend (hand holding etc) or could these people have assumed you were just friends?

It doesn't sound good. However, I could be wrong but you need to talk to him asap.

PS. I find it hard to believe he could work 9 - 10 very often. What does he work at?

Even if he is honestly single and there is only you in the picture you are obviously not happy with the situation. I wouldn't be after two years. Have a think about all this. Talk to him asap. If things don't change are you really will to continue with this?

mary55

Hey mood to answer your questions.
Yes we do bump into people he knows if we go out where he lives.
Yes he always answers the phone when it rings well 99% of the time anyway everyone always misses the odd call but he answers it alrite most of the time.
Yes when we did go out where he lives he wanted to hold my hand and do stuff that a boyfriend / girlfriend.
Don t really want to say what he does this being the internet and all but he does work late. But even if he did finish early he would have to go study.
I do like him but like u say am i willing to continue with this if it doesnt change I am just so confused as to what to do.
He is not in a relationship he just cant be he s down to me every wkend.

mood

Well, if he is in a relationship he could be pretending he is working!

What are things like when he has college and work holidays? The summer is just over so assuming he had the summer off college (which he most likely had) how were things then? What does he do with his work holidays? If he continues with seeing you just on a friday or saturday night during holidays this is strange!

mary55

mood wrote: »

Well, if he is in a relationship he could be pretending he is working!

What are things like when he has college and work holidays? The summer is just over so assuming he had the summer off college (which he most likely had) how were things then? What does he do with his work holidays? If he continues with seeing you just on a friday or saturday night during holidays this is strange!

well if was pretending to work he would hardly have money to go out would he and he always pays his way.
well if he has college hols he works during those hols. Well he was off during the summer he was just basically working as well. Well this year he got sick during the summer so he took those sick days as being holidays from work.

mood

Nobody can work 24-7! Having college and working at the same time must be hard but surely his employer doesn't give he loads of extra hours when he doesn't have college!

As for taking sick days as holidays surely he can't have have used 40 days holidays as sick days in the past two years!

Either he is hiding something or he doesn't want to spend time with you. Sorry but I have to be honest.

He only live 45 mins away so he should be able to be more flexible.

mary55

mood wrote: »

Nobody can work 24-7! Having college and working at the same time must be hard but surely his employer doesn't give he loads of extra hours when he doesn't have college!

As for taking sick days as holidays surely he can't have have used 40 days holidays as sick days in the past two years!

Either he is hiding something or he doesn't want to spend time with you. Sorry but I have to be honest.

He only live 45 mins away so he should be able to be more flexible.

I know he doesnt work 24 / 7 but he does work really long hours and his course work is really demanding. He doesnt have 40 days hols a year as he isnt full obviously because he goes to college.
But yes I know there is something up with him alrite but what to do I'm so confused???

mood

I meant 20 days hols per year (the minimum for any full time employee). You are with him tow years so that make 40 days hols in two years.

Not having much time in term time is understandable but when on college holidays I don't believe for one second that he happens to get extra work!

Very serious chat needed!

mary55

ya well thats what he tells me when he doesnt have college he works.
am i just a fool for believing him?

mood

You really to talk to him about this.

martdalto

mary55, none of us know exactly your circumstances, we are only going by what you tell us here. But from what you are telling us, it sounds suss.

As mood says, during college holidays he would have had a bit more free time, even if he was getting extra work, there are legal limits!!

You are clearly very unhappy with the current set-up. You need to tell him. You need to get answers to ALL your questions, only then can you decide if you are a fool or not for believing him.

Novella

I'm actually in shock after reading this thread.

You've been going out with this guy for two years and you say you think he lives with his family?! I understand the not meeting of them but how do you not know who he lives with?

If I was you, I would not be jumping to conclusions that the poor guy is married or cheating on you. He might just have a difficult family situation and that is why he is not inclined to have you meet them. If you want to meet his family, why not broach the subject with him, let him know it's important to you?

You say he does things with his family every Sunday and you'd like him to spend every second Sunday with you. I know relationships are about compromise but to me, that is kinda unfair. I'm twenty but I spend EVERY Sunday with my family and I would NEVER reconsider and spend it with someone else. Since I was a baby, I have visited my grandad on a Sunday afternoon. It is my routine, it is his routine, it is something we both enjoy and I'll cherish every second of those Sundays long after he, or I, are gone.

This guy is in college, he works. He clearly doesn't have much free time. I went to college full time and worked part time last year and I really did not have much time to spare at all. He sees you once every week, he does make time for you and that can be quite difficult when you are juggling a job and your education.

I don't know what advice to give you, other than speak to your boyfriend. None of us know what is going on with him really. You are now speculating that he's with someone else!!!! Seriously, you just need to talk to him.

mary55

Let's get this straight he is not married or in a relationship he wouldnt do dat tot me and also I know he lives with his family.

oh gosh I really dont know what to do everyone is saying something different. Some of ye think its ok that he only sees me once a week and some of ye think it is not. And also ye think the same about me meeting his family.

Sometimes I think am i being selfish like the way Novella describes it she understands about work and education commitments but then mood thinks I should not put with it. I guess I'm the only who can decide what to do about it. But I am still so confused.

mood

You need to talk to him. I cannot stress this enough. You can't make a decision based on this thread (although it maybe helpful to get different opinions etc).

I do understand how he doesn't have time when he has both work and college on but this surely is not all year around! Everyone has holidays etc and if he can't find more time for you during holidays there is something very wrong.

You are obviously not happy with the situation so it either need to change, you need to put up with it a little longer until his course is over or you need to move on.

When is the course over? What age are the two of you?

Nothing against Novella but she/he is only 20 and likes to spend Sundays with her grandfather. That is understandable for her/him as he could be very old. But this guy lives with his father and sister so already spends a lot of time with them. Everyone in a relationship has to compromise but it sounds like only you are doing this and that's not right.

mood

sunflower27 wrote: »

Allthat matters is if you are happy with things and you clearly aren't.

This is very, very fishy to me.

How can you say 'he wouldnt do that to me?' - you dont even know for sure who he lives with - which family members.

I dont buy this AT ALL. Two years and you havent been to his home. It's total madness.

Agree. Surely there have been time when he had a free house and you could have call over for dinner/dvd or something!

dublingal80

personally if i was in your relationship i wouldnt be happy at all.

Over the past 2 years, he is only able to see you once a week, you dont actually know 100% who he lives with, and he says he doesnt want you to meet his family.

Out of everyones advice that they are giving, whether he is married, cheating or whatever, the one thing you can do, and the one thing that will let you know for sure what is going on is to talk to him.

Tell him how crazy about him you are and how you see you have a future with him and you would love to meet his family, even just for a few minutes one day, so you can show your face. Any normal guy would think grand! no problem! and off you go

If he comes up with excuses, then you need to ask him why and sit down and properly talk about it. If he does have family issues, its a big thing he still doesnt trust you 2 years down the line to tell you what they are.

put the cheating/married excuses to the back of your mind until you actually talk to him. If you are seeing him this weekend say it to him
I know it can be scary because you dont know what is going to be said and you love him, so you dont want to break up with him, but if there is something going on, whether its with him, or family or whatever, you need to know eventually.

mary55

I don't know but I think the majority of ye agree dat there is something kinda wrong here. But just so confused over things.

dublingal80

why are you afraid to talk to him

mary55

i know he lives with his family cos I've been talking to his sister on the phone a few times and his family do know about me so I know he is not in a relationship with someone else or married.
It's just so hard to bring up these things I don't want to be fighting with him or break up with him or have fights with him about things. I know I must talk to him but it's so HARD.

mary55

I'm not afraid of him and I am not afraid to talk to him it's just bringing up these things causes tension which lead to arguements which I hate.

dublingal80

well you have 3 options

1. not do anything and leave things how they are
2. have people posting here with more and different opinions which will make you more confused and paranoid
3. talk to him

I dont see why just talking to him about it would cause an arguement. Its a big deal for you to meet the parents of anyone you are seeing for 2 years, which is completely understandable.

If he is someone you want to be with forever, you cant be afraid to be honest with him because it would cause an arguement

Personally i HATE fighting, really do. so anything petty i just let it slide, i dont see the point, life is WAY too short, but anything my boyfriend has done in the past to upset me, and vice versa, we just talk about it then and there and an hour later we are happy out.

Its a lot better than letting it fester for days or weeks and feeling worse about it all

mary55

mary55 wrote: »

Oh gosh I really dont know what to do everyone is saying something different. Some of ye think its ok that he only sees me once a week and some of ye think it is not. And also ye think the same about me meeting his family.

What practically EVERYone has said is "talk to him"!

mary55

Yes ok I get the picture I must talk to him. But its still hard.

dublingal80

i know it is, its scary cos you are thinking the worst cos he isnt open with you. It could be something completely silly and can have you posting here, telling us all how silly you have been, or it could be something serious.

Either way, in the long run, you need to find out which it is and either move on with your life together or apart.

Definitely do it the weekend, the longer you will put it off the harder it will get. Best of luck!! you can do this!! If you are afraid it will cause a big scene, go out for dinner or coffee or a drink and just take it from there.

It doesnt have to be so hard, especially since you have been talking to his sister over the phone. Just say that you are dying to meet her and would love if he brought you to the house today or tomorrow.

Best of luck!!!

mary55

I know but I want him to do it from himself do you know what I mean I don't want it to be like I made him do it cos I kept going on about it.

dublingal80

But its been 2 years. would you be happy if you had to wait another 2 years or more before you met them? Its important to you to meet his family, so there should be some sort of compromise there, not you doing whatever he wants or not nagging incase he gets annoyed or not talking incase you upset him

You arent asking to spend a weekend with his family or anything like that. Start off baby steps, literally 10 mins to say hello before you and himself head out again and then a few weeks or months later, a little bit longer

mary55 wrote: »

I know but I want him to do it from himself do you know what I mean I don't want it to be like I made him do it cos I kept going on about it.

maybe when you eventually say it to him, he will realise how much it means to you and get you over there to meet them asap!

martdalto

mary55 wrote: »

I know but I want him to do it from himself do you know what I mean I don't want it to be like I made him do it cos I kept going on about it.

Well your only option then is to not go on about it, not think about it, not let it bother you and keep going as you are, thankful for whatever little scraps he throws you to keep your relationship going.

Mary, I don't mean to sound harsh, but you sound very soft and a bit of a push over to be honest. After 2 years you are afraid to bring something up that is clearly, clearly bothering and upsetting you, because you are afraid of upsetting him and starting a row??

That's not a way to conduct a relationship. If you are going to stay together long term, possibly get married, are you going to live your life tip-toeing around him try to make sure he's always happy and never discommoded, regardless of how that makes YOU feel.. just to keep the peace?

While there are times when it's better to let something slide.. (leaving sock on the floor, leaving the cap of the toothpaste etc!) There are times when you will HAVE to let him know that something he is doing is upsetting you. Does he regularly argue with you over things? You say he is always nice to you and treats you like a princess etc. What do you think is the worst that is going to happen if you tell him that you think the time has come to meet his family?

It souds like you are not equal partners in this relationship. If you're happy with that, then that's fine, and each to their own... but clearly you are not happy, and very confused, by your realtionship, and the only way you are going to sort it out is by talking to him. If it results in an argument, then so be it. Very few relationship survive without ever having arguements! And it's usually the couples who never argue end up splitting up over small insignificant things because they are afraid to discuss it with each other, and afraid if upsetting the other person. Small things if not addressed turn into huge issues, cause resentment, and ultimately the end of a relationship.

I don't think you want that.. So the only way around it is to take a deep breath and, for possibly the first time in 2 years, tell him how you are really feeling.

mary55

It is not a cop out. Why would I want to make someone do something they didn't want to do?

And I am not a pushover thank you very much I just don't want to start any arguements thats all I mean why would anyone want to fight with their boyfriend?

But I do take your point on board I must talk to him.

mary55

Because I would like to meet them but like I said I dont want to MAKE him do it I want to do it from himself.

dublingal80

sometimes guys can be a little bit dopey... and not even think about things that girls would find really important

Sometimes they need things spelt out to them.


Im a little bit confused tho, you are saying that you have problems with your boyfriend because he hasnt introduced you to his family after two years, and when we tell you to talk to him you are saying you dont want to make him do something he doesnt want to do.

you arent "making" him do anything. its not like you are force feeding him, or making him go and see a chick flick or something stupid.

Its an important issue to you. And if its an important issue to you, it should be an important issue to your boyfriend too. He loves you and he would do anything to make you happy im sure. He might not even realise how much this even bothers you. So just say it to him simply, it wont come across that you are forcing him to introduce you to your family. As you said he is really busy with work and college, so he may have been stressed recently and not even thought about it.

mood

Agree. If you have a good relationship you should be able to discuss this. Unless there are major family issues is shouldn't be a problem. If there are major family issues why is he still living at home?

Even meeting his sister or cousins for a drink would be progress.

I know a lot of couples who got married ten / twelve years after meeting. Are you willing to never meet them for that long if that is the way things go?

Not meeting the family is not the only thing that would bother me. Only seeing him once a week would. You are with the guy two years not two months.

Terodil

sunflower27 wrote: »

After 2 years he isnt going to. Every time you mention it you get into an argument. He doesnt want you to meet them for whatever reason.

Fair enough, he doesn't have to.

I understand the OP's desire to meet them but ultimately she's together with the bf, not his family.

sunflower27 wrote: »

I dont see how you guys can work if you cant even speak to him honestly and openly about your feelings without being made to feel bad.

He does not want to mix the sphere of his relationship with the OP with the sphere of his parental home.

She wants them to mix, more, she wants HIM to want to mix the two.

Especially the last will not work, that's not realistic.

OP, you know he doesn't want it. You should ask yourself if you're happy with the current situation (just seeing you once per week even though he doesn't live far away and HAS the time, to me, is a bigger deal by far than not introducing you to his family!). If yes, then I'd like to suggest you focus on the fact that you are with HIM, not his family, and just let it happen in its own time. Some parents are a bit special

You should also think hard about what this relationship gives you. I'd have a hard time regarding it as a relationship to be honest. =/

marigold29

I'm in the same situation as your boyfriend it seems. I've been with my boyfriend for over two years and while I met his parents early on and am very much part of the family, he has never met mine.
Similarly, we live in seperate towns because I moved to take up a promotion. So we see eachother at weekends and really when we do see eachother (entirely on my timetable since I am the one with the "important" job) it's usually to go out, recover the next day and then I have usually got some friends or family to visit sunday before I go back home.
I'm certainly not married and I'm not cheating on my boyfriend! I feel bad about not including him more in my life but there are, for me, reasons why I like it this way;
(i) I have had boyfriends before, when I was younger, who I included in every part of my life and it just made it more difficult to adjust after we broke up. That sort of youthful "the one" approach is just something I've grown out of. It's not like I'm preparing to break up, I'm just realistic.
(ii) I also compartmentalise. I have work/friends/family/me time and they don't overlap too much. I prefer it that way. For example by spending quality time doing fun things with my boyfriend I can associate him with good things.
(iii) my parents are not as nice as his! They're not interested in meeting anyone I'm with until I have a ring on my finger and even then I doubt they'll be too bothered. It's just the way they are. I feel like if I brought him over it would be awkward and stressful, as time with my family usually is. I'd rather not put him through the embarassment of having them look down on him, which they probably would as they look down on most people.
These are my reasons anyway, and it doesn't mean I love him any less so I dont think you should jump to too many conclusions.
The other side of it is, I know that this can't continue for too much longer. The reason for this is I feel my distance, not geographically but emotionally is hurtful to my boyfriend, it must be.
And like the other posts, I need to have a serious talk with him about it.

SarahSassy

mary55 wrote: »

I'm not afraid of him and I am not afraid to talk to him it's just bringing up these things causes tension which lead to arguements which I hate.

You are acting like a victim here - you are willing to sacrifice your happiness to keep the status quo and make sure he is happy - why?

mood

marigold29 wrote: »

I'm in the same situation as your boyfriend it seems. I've been with my boyfriend for over two years and while I met his parents early on and am very much part of the family, he has never met mine.
Similarly, we live in seperate towns because I moved to take up a promotion. So we see eachother at weekends and really when we do see eachother (entirely on my timetable since I am the one with the "important" job) it's usually to go out, recover the next day and then I have usually got some friends or family to visit sunday before I go back home.
I'm certainly not married and I'm not cheating on my boyfriend! I feel bad about not including him more in my life but there are, for me, reasons why I like it this way;
(i) I have had boyfriends before, when I was younger, who I included in every part of my life and it just made it more difficult to adjust after we broke up. That sort of youthful "the one" approach is just something I've grown out of. It's not like I'm preparing to break up, I'm just realistic.
(ii) I also compartmentalise. I have work/friends/family/me time and they don't overlap too much. I prefer it that way. For example by spending quality time doing fun things with my boyfriend I can associate him with good things.
(iii) my parents are not as nice as his! They're not interested in meeting anyone I'm with until I have a ring on my finger and even then I doubt they'll be too bothered. It's just the way they are. I feel like if I brought him over it would be awkward and stressful, as time with my family usually is. I'd rather not put him through the embarassment of having them look down on him, which they probably would as they look down on most people.
These are my reasons anyway, and it doesn't mean I love him any less so I dont think you should jump to too many conclusions.
The other side of it is, I know that this can't continue for too much longer. The reason for this is I feel my distance, not geographically but emotionally is hurtful to my boyfriend, it must be.
And like the other posts, I need to have a serious talk with him about it.

I think this is very selfish. It's all about you needs and wants. I wouldn't put up with this treatment.

fatjebus

He lives 45mins away from you, does he drive?
I mean seriously whats 45mins these days, I used to see a girl and she lived about 30 mins away, was only seeing her for like 4-5 weeks but we'd still drive round each others every 2nd, 3rd night and watch a dvd or hang out.

seems very very odd to me

martdalto

mary55 wrote: »

..... I just don't want to start any arguements thats all I mean why would anyone want to fight with their boyfriend?

It doesn't have to turn into an argument.

And sometimes, I'm afraid, a couple have to have fights (even small, slight disagreements).

You are a couple, but you are also 2 individual people. While you may have similiar likes and interests that attracted you initially, you are NOT the same person.. which inevitably means that at some point you will disagree with each other on something. This doesn't have to turn into a "fight".. it just means you disagree!

It's totally natural.

I usually find that if a couple never argue or disagree about anything, it means that one or possibly both of them are not comfortable enough to express exactly how they feel, for fear of upsetting the other one.

Why do you think it is ok for him to upset you by his action/inaction, but somehow it's not ok for you to upset him by discussing it with him?

And who even says it will cause an arguement? If he gets defensive, and argues with you, there is clearly something else going on. He has family issues at home, he's upset by/afraid of something.. but I do agree with the poster who said, even if this is the issue after 2 years of a relationship he should be comfortable telling you anything.. as you should be comfortable discussing your concerns with him.

If you are not comfortable with each other after 2 years, then.... I don't know.