Struggling not to be consumed with jealousy over ex

LegacyUser

I am a 30 year old woman with two kids, aged 6 and 3.
I was with their dad until 2 years ago.
He cheated on me and left me for this woman who is now 21.

I got over the split and am over him in terms of not wanting him back etc.

We sold our house in negative equity and we were both left with about 25k debt from this which I pay as does he (about 400 a month each).

He pays maintenance but in total I get about 2.5k per month. My mum minds the kids and I give her €800 per month, rent is €800 per month and loan is €400 per month. I don't get benefits as I work full time. This leaves me with €500 to feed and clothe 2 kids which is do-able but on a very very tight budget. Every month is a struggle and at this stage my only luxuries are sky and a bottle of cheap wine once a week. If I can afford it.


I am so jealous of my ex though. His gf works full time and lives with him and ok, they have rent and bills too but they just seem to have so much disposable income. He informed me yesterday that they were going to Oz for a month in the New Year!
THey were in Paris and New York already this year along with numerous breaks (I know all this as he is supposed to take the kids once a week but often rearranges).


I don't want to be a bitter jealous woman but it feels like the bad guys always win! He's having the life of Reilly while I'm scrimping and saving and watching every penny.
He wanted to get the kids a console for christmas and I agreed we'd go halves. But now I can't even afford that and I've told him and he hasn't offered to get it for them. Just told me to let him know what I can afford and what I want to get them instead.

How do I get over the fact that I feel like he's "won" in terms of the breakup. I just feel like I got the sh1t end of the stick. I love my kids, I really do, but I'm so angry that he can walk away. Yes, he pays maintenance but he also has his new woman to subsidise him and he only has the kids a couple of hours a week. They think he's great as he can afford to bring them to the cinema and Mc Ds. Some days all I have in the house is pasta.

Help!

Barracudaincork

I dont think he has "won" in any shape or form, you are the one who wakes up every morning to two cute kids smiling and delighted to see you as they wake up. You are the one who gets cuddles, laughs and special moments with your kids.

I agree New York, Paris etc does sound nice and i have been to both, but if i had the choice of those cities or any other city or seeing my kids do all those things kids do, like cover themselves in sudocream when your not looking I would pick the kids time and time again.

I know you would too, but i think you are forgetting that you would. You're so wound up over him and his 21year old that you are forgetting that you actually have the better life! Yes money is tight and you cant afford McD's but the kids wont remember that in years to come, trust me on that, they will remember the fun and laughter they had playing and hanging with you!

MissFlitworth

That really really sucks, I can completely understand how seeing him get off pretty much scott-free financially while you settle down to the hard slog (and it is hard, no matter how rewarding it is as well) of bringing up your kids while not seeing any way that you will have time or money for yourself for the forseeable is making you jealous.

Is there any way you could renegotiate the amount of maintenance your ex pays you at the moment? If you made out a list of what all your expenditures on the kids are every month and showed him just how expensive it is maybe you guys could negotiate a couple of things he takes off your hands so that you get some extra disposable income for yourself. Assuming he doesn't know how tough you are finding things financially at the moment I think it's really important you let him know. Sometimes it's tempting to put on a good face so that the person who hurt you and ****ed off to live the good life doesn't know that you're struggling but they're his kids too and he should have an equal share in the good and bad parts of being a parent- him not buying them a console because you can't afford to go halves is kinda scuzzy.

Could you maybe organise something with your Mother as well where one week out of the month you pay her €750 instead of €800 so you have a few quid to yourself and can do something nice for yourself?

Maybe you could also look into buying yourself a book on CBT, it's a method of dealing with self-defeating thoughts like jealousy, especially when they start to get obsessive. It might help you put the ex and his antics to the back of your mind while you get on with your life. It won't always be as hard as it is now as well, in a couple of years your 3 year old will be in school and hopefully childcare will get cheaper for you then/

shellyboo

MissFlitworth wrote: »

Is there any way you could renegotiate the amount of maintenance your ex pays you at the moment? If you made out a list of what all your expenditures on the kids are every month and showed him just how expensive it is maybe you guys could negotiate a couple of things he takes off your hands so that you get some extra disposable income for yourself. Assuming he doesn't know how tough you are finding things financially at the moment I think it's really important you let him know. Sometimes it's tempting to put on a good face so that the person who hurt you and ****ed off to live the good life doesn't know that you're struggling but they're his kids too and he should have an equal share in the good and bad parts of being a parent- him not buying them a console because you can't afford to go halves is kinda scuzzy.

I have complete sympathy for the OP here, but maintenance is for the kids, not for her. He's not obliged to provide her with disposable income.

Yes, it sucks that other people are better off... but at the end of the day, he and his new partner have two incomes, of course they're better off. What does she expect them to do? Sit at home in sympathy for her?

It's a totally crap situation, but there's nothing she can do about it except suck it up and get on with things. To me, €800 seems a massive amount to be paying a family member for childminding, is there any way you could reduce that, or am I just horribly naive?

You need to realise, OP, that you have the kids - you've won. All the holidays in the world can't replace the time you get to spend with your kids. Try to let go of the jealousy and focus on making the best of your situation, otherwise the resentment will eat away at you.

LegacyUser

Hi all,
Thanks for your thoughts.

He has cheaper living expenses as he house shares so bills are split 4 ways and of course he has the second income from her.
On paper he is paying a fairly reasonable amount based on his income.

My mum was minding other kids before me and ex split and gave that up to mind my 2 as I couldn't afford creche which was €400 for after school care for the 6 year old and nearly €600 for the 3 year old. She is amazing and helps me out so much, doing cooking, shopping and washing etc. I'd be lost without her. She deserves so much more than I pay her.

I do adore my kids. And if someone offered me millions for them I wouldn't take it. I also know that in years to come he will feel the repercussions of his actions. Seeing them once a week and not bothering with them inbetween etc. I'll be the one sitting aged 60, surrounded by my kids and grandkids and he'll have his memories of his travels and his guilt.

It's just hard at the moment and I'm stressed over money for Christmas and bills. I don't expect him to change and to be honest I don't want anything from him or expect any more from him.
It is just that he has hurt so many people, me, his kids etc and all he has gotten so far is gold while I'm picking up the pieces.
60 seems like a long way off to reap my rewards

Maybe this is more of a rant than anything. I hate feeling this way but I can't seem to stop. Feels like every time I have a good month in terms of how I feel about everything, every time I feel positive and strong, I get a kick in the teeth from him. New car, new expensive pointless toys for the kids while I struggle to feed and clothe them. For eg he bought our older son a guitar. No lessons, just the bloody guitar. Now the child is hounding me for lessons I can't afford and I feel like I am always saying "no, I can't afford that". With the money he spent on the guitar I could have bought winter coats and boots for both kids......he just has no common sense.
And he knows how much I struggle as he is always asking why they wear cheap clothes. He also knows I had to sell my 04 car and buy a 96 clapped out astra in order to free up some money for bills.

I'm robbing peter to pay paul and I know thats my issue and that it's not his problem but JESUS I get so angry about how it's all turned out.
And I don't want to be angry and bitter.

Amazotheamazing

Rather paying your mom the 800 a month, why not put that and the 400 towards clearing your negative equity debt? Sit you mom down and say if you can pay off the debt sooner you'll be better able to re-organise your finances. It makes no sense to commit to repaying the debt for 6 odd years when you could be clearing it in two.

It would be harsh on your mom, but it's better to get rid of that debt as soon as possible.

MissFlitworth

shellyboo wrote: »

I have complete sympathy for the OP here, but maintenance is for the kids, not for her. He's not obliged to provide her with disposable income.

I'd agree there, but if it's an uneven contribution and she pays more towards their upkeep leaving her in a hole with no money for herself and the odd day when they only thing she can offer kids for dinner is pasta then I do think they should work towards a more balanced contribution from him

shellyboo

MissFlitworth wrote: »

I'd agree there, but if it's an uneven contribution and she pays more towards their upkeep leaving her in a hole with no money for herself and the odd day when they only thing she can offer kids for dinner is pasta then I do think they should work towards a more balanced contribution from him

I don't see anything in her OP that suggests he's not paying his fair share.

LegacyUser

He is paying his share I guess.
We worked it out as follows

Minding 800/2=400
Food, clothes = 800/2=400

So he pays 800, I earn 1700 (too much for rent allowance and OPFA) though i do get tax credits as does he. I was turned down for FIS this year as my mum was living with me.

He earns about the same as me (2500) so he's left with 1700 after maintenance. Then his rent,bills etc are reduced as he can house share (meaning he can't take the kids overnight).

We went to mediation and agreed all this so I can't turn around now and start another battle as I fought long and hard for the amount I do get.
I know everyone is under financial pressure and I have to suck it up and deal with it.

It prob wouldn't annoy me if he brought the kids on holiday but all his holidays are him and the gf.
He says he can afford to go with her as he pays half. But he can't afford to take the kids as he can't expect her to pay for them (which is fair enough).

I don't want him to pay more, I don't want the hassle I had the last time. I just don't want to feel so rotten and jealous.
It would make the shoe string budget bearable.

sunnyside

MissFlitworth wrote: »

him not buying them a console because you can't afford to go halves is kinda scuzzy.


/

If you really want the kids to have the games console you should ask him to buy it. It's not for you. It's for them. But I've just read your 2nd post about the guitar lessons. If they get the console they'll pester you for games (expensive)

shellyboo wrote: »

. To me, €800 seems a massive amount to be paying a family member for childminding, is there any way you could reduce that, or am I just horribly naive?

.

I disagree, she's doing the exact same work a stranger would probably more because she has a personal interest in the children. She minds the children and does housework full time 5 days a week. €200 a week isn't very high pay for this. Some months have 5 weeks making it even less per week.

I think OP is right to pay her mother, I don't like to see family members being taken for granted BUT question for OP does your mother know how much you are struggling? I have no children but I pay mortgage and bills alone so my budget is really tight too. I tend to keep this to myself (except on boards). It's likely that everything looks just fine from the outside so people like your mother just don't know. If she knew I'm sure she'd be happy to work for free for a few weeks. You are treating her really well by paying her and she knows that so if you need to pay a bit less until Christmas she'll understand.

Edited to add: Buy some clothes for the children in charity shops. They always have barely worn childrens stuff really cheap. The children won't know.

iguana

jealous much? wrote: »

Minding 800/2=400
Food, clothes = 800/2=400

Shouldn't he be paying something toward your children's rent and the heating& electricity they use? If you were a single person you could be in a house share for €400pm just like he is, so you are paying €400pm for rent for your children, he should be helping you pay that.

LegacyUser

Not paying my mum isn't an option. Things are tight for her and my dad too. She could earn a lot more not minding my two. She has already sacrificed that and I can't ask her to sacrifice anything else.

I am very good at budgeting. Brilliant in fact. I have spreadsheets and every penny is accounted for but yes, as a single mum of two, it's hard going. I have expenses because of the kids that are deemed "mine". For eg if I didn't have them I could rent a room in a house instead of renting a house. I would be house sharing and dividing bills instead of having to pay the full whack for the whole house. I'd lose the car and use a bike.
Go back to my single days where €200 a week was loads of money

But thats life and thats my lot and I dont really mind and I'm able for it.

I just don't want to be angry about it anymore. Thats what I'm looking to get over. the money situation isn't the crux of the issue, the begrudging and jealousy I have is the issue.

shellyboo

iguana wrote: »

Shouldn't he be paying something toward your children's rent and the heating& electricity they use? If you were a single person you could be in a house share for €400pm just like he is, so you are paying €400pm for rent for your children, he should be helping you pay that.

I was thinking similar, he should be contributing towards rent as well.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I know exactly where you're coming from. ExH left me for someone else and is living the high life with her. Holidays, weekends in Paris...etc etc
In the meantime I am left scrimping to provide for 2 kids. It took him nearly a year to pay maintenance, had to go to court to get it. Now the state will be taking the bit of Lone Parent I get (and I respect it's only right they do) so my kids are no better off financially.

The only advice I can give you is to stop focussing on HIM so much. Start living your life for yourself, because he sure as hell isn't worrying about YOU.
My kids are older than yours so it is easier for me to have a (very small)social life..but when he takes the kids I treat it as "Me-Time". Even if it's just watching a chick flick I do something for myself.
Things will get easier as the kids get bigger too.

I hardly ever think about the Ex now, to me he is just a Loser. My kids always come to me first now, not him. It was me who put them first always and they remember that as they've grown up.
Your Ex will never have the kind of relationship you have with your kids. Kids grow very fast, he's missed out and when they're big like mine it's you they will chat to not him!
Good luck

LegacyUser

Hi again.

I think my wonderful friends and mum must know I'm a bit down since ex dropped his Oz clanger as they have all conspired this week.

I got a text there. My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to go out on Saturday night. Haven't been out in months.

My mum rang my friend and said she'd babysit. My friend rang my other friends and she is providing cheap booze and nibbles at hers before we go to the pub where i have been told that drinks are on them. They got me a free pass into the club and they've even organised my outfit so i can't say I've nothing to wear.
Basically shouldn't have to spend a cent and will get out of the house. I think a lot of it is that I have too much time to focus on ex when the kids are in bed and I'm on my own.

God bless my mum and my friends. I normally would feel embarassed that people are subbing me but god, I need to get out or I'll have a breakdown.

My mum has actually offered to take the kids in hers so I can actually sleep in on Sunday!!!!!
It's like Christmas came early!

LegacyUser

Can I just say I think you should take a step back and realise what an amazing job you're doing? Honestly I'm in awe at how brilliant and selfless you have been and if I'm half the mother you are I'll be happy. I know people will say its just what you do when you're faced with it, but I'm sure theres lots of people out there who wouldn't deal half as well as you are.

And I dont think you'll have to wait til you're 60 to reap the rewards. Once your children are young adults they're going to realise just how much mom has sacrificed and how much you've done for them over the years and thats going to mean much more to them than mcdonalds, cinema trips and random expensive toys. You're there when they wake up and you're there when they go to bed.

And I'm so happy your family and friends have done for you, they obviously love you very much and see the incredible job you're doing. Go out and enjoy yourself!

Just keep truckin on, you're doing bloody brilliant and sooner or later things for you will turn gold. Trust me on that