i feel so alone

agh!

if im gonna make one post i might aswel make the only other 1 thats troubling me.
Right. Im 20, was in college doing teaching and i failed...twice..through no-ones fault but my own eventhough i tried to convince people i tried my best knowing full well i didn't even bother to go to college...its college life i loved. in the middle of those 2 years one of my best friends died and i still think about him everyday...sometimes it gets really weird and il be sitting there and all of a sudden it just pops into my head that he's dead and it's feels sort of surreal like. After he died, i started getting panic attacks...and i know this sounds stupid but any pain i got i thought it was something serious eventhough it wasnt. I dont really get panic attacks anymore but im continuously anxious and this has developed into a horrible depression and im always irritable. I never want to do anything, try new things, or go anywhere even at the weekend, and i never want to leave the house anymore and i cry every night. its like a total 360 of the fun person i used to be..i used to be so happy and now im sad all of the time. im always thinking bout death 2...not so much mine, but the death of other people..especially my family, im always so scared incase something is going to happen to them. I feel like im just going to be like this and alone forever and il never be happy. You hear about people being depressed for years? and learning how to 'cope', i want to be happy not to just 'cope'. i dont think il be able to handle feeling like this for 2long more to be quite honest. im most angry of the fact that im like this in the 1st place, why did it have to happen to me? why couldnt i just go to college and id have my degree by now instead of being so lazy and being such a waster?! my confidence is so shot by all of this i dont want to go back as i think il just mess it all up again!!...i hav'nt gone to see or talk to anyone as i keep putting it off, i know i should though!!..is there any1 with experience that knows if thers a chance il be happy or will i just see the whole prospect of life pointless forever?? i feel so selfish when i see people fighting so hard to live, when horrible people like me just dont care.

cafecolour

It doesn't sound stupid, one of your best friends died! Of course that could have a significant effect on you.

Find a good counselor, ideally one whose specializes in grief and not one that will just give you some meds and say next.

And yes, you certainly can learn to be happy again. I've lost it and learnt it and lost it and learnt it again many times over. Focusing on the college isn't necessary - there are many ways to go without college, or doing college as a mature student in a few years.

LegacyUser

You need to get some bereavement counselling as soon as possible. This is free,and there are counselling sessions in every part of the country specifically for bereavement.
Alternatively,AWARE is another free service,which is set up specifically for ongoing depression.
At either of these places you will meet people who are in exactly the same situation as you,and trained professionals who will help you through your problems.

Don't beat yourself up so much over college. The drop out rate is massive, and at the young age that people start college the majority will be lazy,and immature.
About 17 of the people I went to school with,have all dropped out of college.(and that's only the ones that I know of!) 6 of these girls were complete brainboxes at school,who never missed a day at school and got massive points in their leaving.
They went to college,and got caught up in the typical student lifestyle,just like so many others.
So,don't be so hard on yourself it happens to the brightest and supposedly most sensible people,and it doesn't mean you are a waster.

I was studying in university myself and was incredibly lazy and missed 97% of my lectures. My first year I was so hopeless by the time exams came,that I didn't even sit ANY exams!
I decided to start completely afresh,and got a student loan to pay for fees to repeat the year,and money to live of for the year.
Paid my fees and got myself into thousands worth of debt,but unfortunately I ended up missing the majority of college again due to having to keep travelling home to look after an alcoholic family member.
After getting the months break at christmas, found myself slipping into old laziness again missing days,and this coupled with having to travel home every 3rd or 4th week to sort out problems,meant i passed only 3 out of 4 subjects and I couldn't progress to the next year without that subject.
I got another loan and paid the lesser fee of external repeat for just one subject,but things at home had gotten me down so much at that stage,along with financial trouble with food and rent,that again I didn't even sit the exam. Moved home now.

I like you felt like such a waster,and a fool for everything that happened with college. Here I am with thousands of euro worth of debt over my head, and absolutely nothing to show for it.
However I have learned since then,that there are SO many people in the same position as me.
I am determined now to always maintain a close relationship with this family member of mine as love her very much,but that's it's time for me to think about myself for once and to move on with my own life. I am 22 now.
I am moving out soon,and have signed up for a computer course that I am praying I get accepted on. This course only lasts until May but is very highly thought of by employers,and will be something to add to my cv.
I arranged a meeting at my local college,and am now guranteed a place next september on a science degree course.
What I'm trying to say is that you need to be proactive. You have to make the changes that you want to see happen. Think long and hard about whether teaching is what you really want to do. Because if not,then now is the perfect time to explore all options available.
There are a million back door routes to all careers,and so much help and information is available when you seek it out.
You're still really young,and have every chance to make a complete success of your life.
People like me and you have learned our lessons at college,and actually have an advantage in that we should be more aware of the laziness traps we can fall into,and therefore strive to overcome them.

I like you have suffered major bouts of depression in the past,and felt like my entire life was ruined and what was the point of everything. I always compared myself to my brothers and sisters who have brilliant jobs and seemingly perfect lives,and felt like such a failure in comparison.
Now I see, that when you are unhappy with your life,it is entirely up to yourself to change it because nobody else will do it for you.
It is up to each person to seek out any help they need and to grasp every opportunity available to bring positve change to their lives.

Even though I still have mountains of debt,I arranged a meeting in the bank and have now set up very reasonable repayments each week with them that I can afford to keep up with.
My family member is seeking counselling,and hopefully will some day be able to work out her own issues.
I really think that you should speak to a professional bereavement or depression expert as depression is incredibly dangerous if left unchecked. I lost my father to suicide,so know that it is the type of thing that can suddenly overwhelm people.

You absolutely can be happy again,and not just "coping".
I have found happiness by completely re-adjusting my attitude and perspective on life,
i.e doing my absolute best to be proactive in the outcome of my own life.
This gives me purpose and meaning,and has stopped me thinking that it's "too late" to achieve my dreams.
You see mature students in their fifties,who are such an inspiration and really enjoying their new lives.
It is only popular culture,and sometimes ourselves that invent certain age limits or restrictions on when certain life events are supposed to be achieved by eg.degree by a certain age,promotion,marriage,baby etc. all by a certain age.
However it is entirely up to each personal individual whether they conform to that "norm" or not.
Some people do things differently,or in different order and still achieve personal happiness and successful lives.
Being only in our early 20's, myself and you and many others are really only starting out in this big game of life.
Sher we're only babies! :-)

Good luck in all your future dreams!

agh!

thats really helped me thank-you, the way you kept going back to college is the very same way I did it and now Iv a few thousand to pay back in debt with nothing to show for it. Ah I know I'm still young like but I just think sometimes that if I'm like this now what hope does that give me for the rest of my life. But you're right, I need to be pro-active and yes I still really want to be a teacher, Geography and History to be precise. I'd be just afraid of taking a chance again as it seems that any decisions I do make are the wrong ones.


Thanks a mil for your advice, you're a pure star!:o

LegacyUser

No problem,just trying to help, as I wished that I had someone else to share their experiences when I was in the same boat as you. Think it would have helped me. :-)

Don't be afraid to take chances,they are absolutely necessary to move forward,
and never let your past mistakes determine the rest of your future.

It is normal to fear that you might make the same mistakes again,as I do sometimes too,
but with a hell of alot of determination,and some confidence anything is possible that you want to achieve for yourself.

Wish you all the best,and I really think you can do it.