Girlfriend tries her best to make me jelous

LegacyUser

Ive been going out with my girlfriend nearly a year now and lately shes decided to tell me how many hot guys are in her class in college. At first I figured she was just playing around so I went along with the joke and humoured her but over time its developed into her saying things like "I had sex with this guy last night" before saying it was a joke. Ive told her to stop because it was annoying me and I have a history of having problems accepting my personal apperance (which she is already aware of) but she says she gets enjoyment out of annoying me. Ive run out of options, I don't want to break up with her because I really love her but she is pushing me to the edge! I know its in a girls nature to make her man a little jelous but this is to far! Any advice??

Shin Bet

Unregistered wrote: »

Ive been going out with my girlfriend nearly a year now and lately shes decided to tell me how many hot guys are in her class in college. At first I figured she was just playing around so I went along with the joke and humoured her but over time its developed into her saying things like "I had sex with this guy last night" before saying it was a joke. Ive told her to stop because it was annoying me and I have a history of having problems accepting my personal apperance (which she is already aware of) but she says she gets enjoyment out of annoying me. Ive run out of options, I don't want to break up with her because I really love her but she is pushing me to the edge! I know its in a girls nature to make her man a little jelous but this is to far! Any advice??

sweet mother of jebus
Id be outa there quicker than a rocket into space
what kind of selfish self obsessed freak would do that to anyone they loved?
Op I feel for you to save your sanity before you find out she actually has slept with these guys is to tell her,
Oh guess what Im leaving you and its not a joke,
shes so immature it makes me sick.

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

Ive been going out with my girlfriend nearly a year now and lately shes decided to tell me how many hot guys are in her class in college. At first I figured she was just playing around so I went along with the joke and humoured her but over time its developed into her saying things like "I had sex with this guy last night" before saying it was a joke. Ive told her to stop because it was annoying me and I have a history of having problems accepting my personal apperance (which she is already aware of) but she says she gets enjoyment out of annoying me. Ive run out of options, I don't want to break up with her because I really love her but she is pushing me to the edge! I know its in a girls nature to make her man a little jelous but this is to far! Any advice??

She actually SAID that ?

Dump her ass. Pronto.

You might really love her (though God know's why) but she doesn't love or respect you.

Wagon

Yep, get rid of her. She hasn't got a clue.

CDfm

OP - I sometimes say the dumbest things- I am lucky to have a very understanding OH.

Yup you are sensitive -maybe a little too much, and I do not think that what she is doing is with malice but because you react in a " you should have seen your face way". Anyway thats how it seems to me.

I don't know how you would say the joke is wearing thing but maybe she will tire of it.

Just think - she is talking about "hot guys" and is with you -so she must think you are hot.

Bottle_of_Smoke

You could ask her to deal with what problems she has that makes her seek so much self reassurance

Its pretty nasty behaviour, wouldn't dump her over it just yet but certainly consider it as a future option if she doesn't cop on. She's bullying you, that's not on for someone you're going out with.

Liam Byrne

CDfm wrote: »

OP - I sometimes say the dumbest things- I am lucky to have a very understanding OH.

Yup you are sensitive -maybe a little too much, and I do not think that what she is doing is with malice but because you react in a " you should have seen your face way". Anyway thats how it seems to me.

I know where you're coming from, but "I had sex with this guy last night" is a step WAYYYYYYY too far.

Having said that, the OP could meet her head-on and - if she repeats this bull**** - fire back a retort like "well, he mustn't have wanted a repeat if you're back here today".

Definitely not my type of relationship, but some immature types get their kicks from this type of arsing around.

G-Money

That would completely do my head in OP, it really would. I'm not saying you should dump her... yet. But imagine you picked on some insecurity she has and started making fun of it. Oh I really like girls with x, y or z.

My guess is that you tell her how this is affecting you, in-case for some bizarre reason she hasn't copped on herself and get her to apologise.

If she doesn't change her ways, time to leave her the Dear John letter!

opinion guy

IMHO - instant dumpage.

life is hard enough without having to deal with that crap. There are certain things i won't tolerate - physical violence for example. This would be another

Colonel_McCoy

BIN HER

Darthhoob

OP...honestly dump her! now! she isn't worth the poo on your shoes with her mental abuse...and that is what it is. she knows you feel self concious and uses that you keep you gradually beating you down till you think that's all you deserve in life. one of my ex's did the same. he often cheated and rubbed it in my face, wrote to girls arranging sex, telling me all about it, then saying he was joking. i was only with him for a year and i am still a little messed up nearly 8 years later! (6 of which in a very loving relationship).

you dont need to put up with it, you can do better and she doesn't derserve anyone if that is how she treats people!

mikewest

As you seem to care about her you can do as the majority suggest or give her two options in clear language grow the f*** up or or leave. If she if too self obsessed to take either option then instant dumpage. Life is too short and too difficult to deal with crap you don't have to.

Monkey61

Well if you think it is worth saving, you don't have to dump her right away...but you may have to consider it as an option in the future.

Obviously she is cripplingly insecure and it is possible that she actually doesn't realise she is hurting you so much - and may in a twisted way think that doing this is keeping you on your toes, keeping you interested and making you like her more. Stupid obviously, but a possibility.

I have done similar (albeit on a much smaller and less cruel scale) with a girlfriend before, where I hit on something that annoyed her - that I thought was something really funny and not in the least bit offensive - so I just kept pushing it, thinking her reaction was hilarious. Childish I know, but I actually thought it was just a funny joke between the two of us as we would often take the piss out of each other and I didn't for a second think that she was finding it as upsetting as she was.

It finally came out in an argument how upset she was by it, I was horrified and stopped immediately.

lazygal

This would really annoy me. I slagged my BF about some silly little thing quite frequently that annoyed me about him, I didn't even realise how much he was irritated and hurt by it until he sat me down for a chat! I was mortified, in my mind we were having "couple banter" but in his mind he thought I was being a total b*tch. You say you're in college so I'm guessing you're in you're early 20s, so maybe she needs to hear this early in life so she doesn't jeopardise this or future relationships. I've (late enough in life TBH) realised that every relationship is about communication and you need to communicate how much this behaviour does your head in. I won't say dump her, because you obviously want to salvage this if you're looking for advice, but I think she needs to hear that this behaviour could be a dealbreaker if she continues to treat you like this.
Best of luck!

CDfm

lazygal wrote: »

This would really annoy me. I slagged my BF about some silly little thing quite frequently that annoyed me about him, I didn't even realise how much he was irritated and hurt by it until he sat me down for a chat! I was mortified, in my mind we were having "couple banter"

+1 in her mind she is being being witty and fun.

So if its not done deliberately there is a huge difference.

Wibbs

It's also possible that she feels you're too passive at times and is testing your boundaries. It's a crock, but possible. If thats the case then clearly and calmly explain to her that this is not on. If she doesn't respond to that then back off. If she doesn't respnd to that then leave her.

Vyse

This is a tricky one and I can only speak from my own experiences. Had a girlfriend like this years ago and loved her very much. However she was doing the same to me as your current girlfriend does to you. Over time it just eroded away my feelings for her and I ended it with her after about a year. It was one of the best things I ever did, she had drained me both emotionally and physically.

It turned out that she had a lot of underlying issues (as is said every case is different) although I can't understand why your gf feels the need to make you jealous (if that is indeed the case). I reckon it all comes down to something else.

Have a talk with her. If she tries to put it back on you I'd say walk.

Gyalist

You could dump her but that won't be the end of your problem as this is less to do with her and more to do with you (your inability to accept your appearance), and will reoccur in subsequent relationships unless you take active steps to fix it.

Face it, every attractive woman (and even many that aren't) have orbiters. If you were truly secure with yourself it really wouldn't matter what she says. All she is doing is running her standard chick programming on you: putting you to compete against other men, and you are unfortunately failing the test by getting sucked into it and taking it too seriously. All women do it, but your girlfriend sounds young so her method is crude and unsophisticated.

Your reply should have been something like, "Oh, he's hot? Maybe the two of us should put you on the spit roast!". or "If he so hot, maybe you two should get together." However, she knows your weakness is your lack of self-confidence so if you were to say something like that now it would create dissonance as it would be untypical of you.

I suspect that she is losing/has lost attraction to you because of your problems with self-confidence and this is the way that it is manifesting itself.

BraziliaNZ

regardless of the above, she shouldn't be carrying on that way if she wants the relationship is to work. I am guilty of doing the same to previous girlfriends, not stuff like she's doing but just taking the p*ss far too much over certain things. You think it's funny and think she thinks it's funny but if you eventually break up they usually tell you that these things hurt them. I have learned from my mistakes, and she shouldn't be doing this at all.

krudler

Call her our on it, tell her either stop saying ridiculously stupid things or shes gone, theres nothing wrong with couples taking the mick out of each other, me and the missus do it as we have our own little private jokes, but tellig someone you slept with someone else purely to get a rise out of them, what the **** is wrong with her?!

Wibbs

I would tend to agree with Gyalist. I dunno about "standard chick programming" though. Its far more complex than that. But yes many women will test the confidence and boundaries of the men in their lives, particularly if the guy is too passive in their opinion. Makes sense too. They're checking to see if you'll defend yourself calmly and with confidence(not being an OTT eejit though).

This is a good bet as if you'll defend your position, you're more likely to defend hers when the chips are down. the mans reaction speaks volumes. Weaker man = passive, takes the crap, won't defend himself, if he does, he does so in an over emotional way, isn't consistent, as he says he's unhappy but does nada about it. Afraid to lose her and will take anything to keep her. Stronger man = crap doesn't affect him as he's confident in himself. If it does cross a boundary for him he makes it plain and in a calm way. He is consitent in his responses too. He backs up words with actions. He may love someone and not want to lose her, but if she crosses enough boundaries he will let her go as he knows he can find someone else.

If you're more the first guy OP and many many men are particularly younger me still feeling out their inner emotional landscape and boundaries, then look to that too. EG I'm older and if a GF pulled that with me I'd laugh it off mostly. If she continued I'd make it clear by words and actions that this wasn't on. If it continued I'd leave. It may well break my heart to do so, but I would leave.

martdalto

Gyalist wrote: »

All she is doing is running her standard chick programming on you: putting you to compete against other men, and you are unfortunately failing the test by getting sucked into it and taking it too seriously. All women do it,

Broad BROAD sweeping generalisation there!!!

I am a woman, I have had more respect for my boyfriends than to make them feel like they have to "compete against other men"...

For a start, making them feel like they have to compete with others for your attention can (and most possibly does), I'd imagine, backfire horribly!

But I will agree that I have, on occasion, picked on something small and insignificant (or so I thought) and made "hilarious" jokes about it.. only to find out that what I thought was private good-natured banter, was actually really upsetting him.

You have to say it to her. You have to tell her you are really annoyed and upset by it. If she listens and apologises, fair enough and everyone is happy.

If she doesn't then your options are to move on - or stay and put up with it for ever more (or until she grows up)

Gyalist

martdalto wrote: »

Broad BROAD sweeping generalisation there!!!

I am a woman, I have had more respect for my boyfriends than to make them feel like they have to "compete against other men"...

For a start, making them feel like they have to compete with others for your attention can (and most possibly does), I'd imagine, backfire horribly!

But I will agree that I have, on occasion, picked on something small and insignificant (or so I thought) and made "hilarious" jokes about it.. only to find out that what I thought was private good-natured banter, was actually really upsetting him.

You have to say it to her. You have to tell her you are really annoyed and upset by it. If she listens and apologises, fair enough and everyone is happy.

If she doesn't then your options are to move on - or stay and put up with it for ever more (or until she grows up)

That you disagree with my statement doesn't actually make it untrue. All women do it because it is instinctual female behaviour. They just do it to different degrees or use different methods to do it. The aim being to get their partner to be more invested/committed to the relationship by showing them that they have options.

Another common meme in this forum is "I don't play games."

But as far as the OP is concerned the issue is more to do with him that what his girlfriend is saying. If he were more confident about his appearance it really wouldn't matter what she said.

Liam Byrne

Gyalist wrote: »

That you disagree with my statement doesn't actually make it untrue. All women do it because it is instinctual female behaviour. They just do it to different degrees or use different methods to do it. The aim being to get their partner to be more invested/committed to the relationship by showing them that they have options.

Sorry, that's bull; if someone's that rude and arrogant then they'll get their partner to be less invested/committed. I'll show you the t-shirt from that one.

EVERYONE has options - even us guys, believe it or not!

And one of those "options" won't be a bitch.

Gyalist wrote: »

If he were more confident about his appearance it really wouldn't matter what she said.

Wrong again. Even if he were confident in his appearance, she'd still be capable of being rude, arrogant and insulting; she mightn't get an opportunity to show it, or she might start comparing pay packets instead of looks, but she'd still be an insensitive bitch.

OP, you could actually count yourself lucky that you don't "look perfect", because if you did, and you didn't get to see this side of her, and then further down the line had a car crash which "damaged" your looks, you'd get some shock to see her true colours!

Like I said, a retort like one I suggested above, or "phew, that's lucky, coz I thought you'd be bored while I was shagging that other girl" might get her to cop on, but who really wants a crap relationship like that ?

martdalto

Gyalist wrote: »

That you disagree with my statement doesn't actually make it untrue.

Well that we agree on!
The fact that you used the word "All" is what makes it untrue!

Do you know every woman in the world? Have you intimate knowledge of their relationships and how they think/behave? If you have, then I back down and concede. If you haven't I stand by what I say!!!

All women do it because it is instinctual female behaviour.

By saying "all women" do it you are telling the OP that like it or not every relationship he is in, he is going to have to put up with this crap at some level or another, and spend his time watching his back and proving to his OH how great he is, and how nobody could ever top him.

That's not practical!

What happens in a long term relationship when times get tough. One person might suffer depression, some illness, be physically unable to "compete" - does the other person just walk away because their OH has proven themselves unworthy of them, and they have "options"??

I'm married. I know my husband finds other women attractive.. of course he does. He didn't suddenly go blind to every other woman in the world the day he met me! But he doens't compare me (to my face anyway!) Or he doesn't make me feel like I am in competition with them. Likewise, I find other men attractive. But I don't set my husband up in competition with them and let him know subtly or otherwise that I'll be gone if he doesn't prove his worth. Relationships, commited, repectful, loving relationships DON'T work like that!

Well at least mine doesn't. Maybe I've been doing it wrong all these years:rolleyes:!


OP - they way your gf is treating you is disrepectful. I would not treat a partner like that.. and I wouldn't not expect/accept to be treated like that either.

As others have said, there is a very good chance that she doesn't realise exactly what she's doing, and thinks you're both having a laugh together. But you will know for definite by talking to her.

Tell her you want it to stop as you don't like it, and don't find it funny. If she heeds what you are saying then happy days.

If she doesn't you need to decide if you are willing to stay with someone who makes you feel that she can/will walk out on you at any time. Or if you're going to leave her and find someone who will respect you and your relationship.

Contrary to some peoples belief, there are woman out there who won't feel the need to "test" you!

opinion guy

I'm sorry I'm having a hard time seeing the "other side" on this one. I think darthhoob hit it square on the head- its emotional abuse. I thik this sentence sums it up

Ive told her to stop because it was annoying me and I have a history of having problems accepting my personal apperance (which she is already aware of) but she says she gets enjoyment out of annoying me.

She's a bully plain and simple. The only way to deal with a bully is to point blank refuse to take their ****. If it were me and i couldn't quite dump her out right, then I'd give her one chance and simply say - "stop this now. next time you do this I walk, no discussion". And mean it, and make sure she knows you mean it

Wibbs

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Wrong again. Even if he were confident in his appearance, she'd still be capable of being rude, arrogant and insulting; she mightn't get an opportunity to show it, or she might start comparing pay packets instead of looks, but she'd still be an insensitive bitch.

Maybe, maybe not. I've known women(and men) who acted a certain way(good or bad) with one boyfriend and a completely different way with another and then went right back to the first setting with yet another. It did depend quite a big amount on the partners personality.

hollis12

Unregistered wrote: »

Ive been going out with my girlfriend nearly a year now and lately shes decided to tell me how many hot guys are in her class in college. At first I figured she was just playing around so I went along with the joke and humoured her but over time its developed into her saying things like "I had sex with this guy last night" before saying it was a joke. Ive told her to stop because it was annoying me and I have a history of having problems accepting my personal apperance (which she is already aware of) but she says she gets enjoyment out of annoying me. Ive run out of options, I don't want to break up with her because I really love her but she is pushing me to the edge! I know its in a girls nature to make her man a little jelous but this is to far! Any advice??

she loved that you told her about your appearance issues because it makes her feel better about her issues, which are clearly evident by her attempt to get you jealous so she can get an ego boost, you can do without her and i think youll find she has image issues, as well as a great deal of narcissism.