Decision time, will we make it or not?

xylocaine

I'm in a relationship with a guy since 2004, The bottom line is his parents live in a council estate and I cant deal with that. He looks down his nose at lots of people living in estates but cant see that where he grew up is just a rural version. He has a good job, a house etc so ticks all the boxes and most importantly we love each other. He proposed 2 years ago but I refused even though I wanted to marry him then, and I broke my silence about the problem I have with his background, I know it might sound snobby but I was raised well off, and have a public job etc, my family and friends would condemn my bf if they knew his home situation.The thing is he kind of tricked me when we started going out, sayin he was from the country etc. His parents are ok, but I dont get on well with his mother, as she's annoyed we havent settled down after all these years, and both of us are in our 30's.His extended family seem nice and none live in the same circumstances as his parents. My bf is very ambitious in his career and is successful but his parents are happy to live where they do even though they both work(money doesnt seem to be a problem) His mother said recently that she wouldnt move house even if she won the lotto as she is so happy being near all her neighbours(I felt physically ill at this point and had to leave the table) so where does this leave my future with whom i think is my soulmate. I'm at breaking point over this and dont want to split up but I cant see a way around this very weird problem. My bf just continues on as normal and says he's happy to go on as we are if I wont marry him. Any sound advice would be much appreciated, and no judgements please -I already know what some of you will say

buckieburd

If you can't accept where he comes from you dont really have a future.

Whats wrong with council estates anyway?

metrovelvet

If you are looking down at him for his background, when in fact he should be praised for "bettering" himself, then that will prove to be disastrous for a marriage because there is already disrespect taking root on your part. I suggest you either change your perceptions and judgmentalism, and his background is part of who he is and who he has become, no one gets to cherry pick someone else's identity, and that is not going to go away, or you end it sooner than later.

Joycey

So basically your problem is that either you dont like/look down on people living in council estates, or you allow the opinions of people around you who dont like/look down on people living in council estates affect your relationship with someone who youve been with for 5 years and wanted to marry two years ago?

I cant really give you any advice other then to just get over it, who cares where his parents live or what they choose to do?

XarcherX

OMG are you serious?? If he is your so called "soul-mate" and you really loved him then you wouldn't even be bothered by the whole council estate issue. Taking on board the fact that he is a hard-worker, his family are not low-lifes, what does it matter where they came from?
So my opinion is, if you can't get your nose past what house he grew up in, then No, you probably don't have a future and it's very likely that you will regret it when he's gone

ash23

Ok, so, his parents live in a council estate.
Are they "common"? I mean, do they shout and scream in the streets, fight in the pubs and let their kids run riot?

Or are they nice, "normal" people who are just happy with their lot?

I grew up on a council estate. My advice to you is leave him. He deserves far better than someone who would judge her "soulmate" based on his house location :rolleyes:

John Mason

OMG :eek::eek:

Please, please dump this boy and let him find a nice girl.

personally, i couldnt careless about where anyone is from but the fact you have a "public job" makes me feel sick

see the comparsion ? your job is the same as living in a council house - living off tax payers money.

Please let this sucessful man go, there are thousands of women out there who would love him

In fairness HE also "looks down his nose at lots of people living in estates" so maybe they ARE soulmates :rolleyes:

SheRa

xylocaine wrote: »

I'm in a relationship with a guy since 2004, The bottom line is his parents live in a council estate and I cant deal with that. He looks down his nose at lots of people living in estates but cant see that where he grew up is just a rural version. He has a good job, a house etc so ticks all the boxes and most importantly we love each other. He proposed 2 years ago but I refused even though I wanted to marry him then, and I broke my silence about the problem I have with his background, I know it might sound snobby but I was raised well off, and have a public job etc, my family and friends would condemn my bf if they knew his home situation.The thing is he kind of tricked me when we started going out, sayin he was from the country etc. His parents are ok, but I dont get on well with his mother, as she's annoyed we havent settled down after all these years, and both of us are in our 30's.His extended family seem nice and none live in the same circumstances as his parents. My bf is very ambitious in his career and is successful but his parents are happy to live where they do even though they both work(money doesnt seem to be a problem) His mother said recently that she wouldnt move house even if she won the lotto as she is so happy being near all her neighbours(I felt physically ill at this point and had to leave the table) so where does this leave my future with whom i think is my soulmate. I'm at breaking point over this and dont want to split up but I cant see a way around this very weird problem. My bf just continues on as normal and says he's happy to go on as we are if I wont marry him. Any sound advice would be much appreciated, and no judgements please -I already know what some of you will say

You love the idea of him having a house and a good job and he "ticks all the boxes". if you loved him where his parents live or where he was brought up wouldnt be a problem.

I suspect that your family and friends wouldnt condemn him (or care where he came from) and that you are projecting your narrowmindedness on others.

So your potential MIL says that even if she won the lotto she wouldnt move as her neighbours, which is a lovely thing to say, and you feel physically ill.

I hope that your boyf comes to his senses soon and breaks up with you, especialy after you refuse to marry him because of his family!!!!

Wibbs

SheRa wrote: »

So your potential MIL says that even if she won the lotto she wouldnt move as her neighbours, which is a lovely thing to say, and you feel physically ill.

That's the bit that stood out for me. Look, horses for courses and all that and I've known quite a few men and women who would think similar. So if this is an issue which it clearly is continuing into marriage in such circumstances is hardly a good bet. The connections between your two families will likely increase along with your particular issue with this.

XarcherX

Can i ask a question? you said:
"The bottom line is his parents live in a council estate and I cant deal with that."

What exactly about this can't you deal with and why is this the bottom line? I'm baffled

LegacyUser

<Snip> Would he or his family be any different as people if they lived in a different house? Get a grip.

kittenkiller

Wow, what a snobbish and horrible attitude to have about someone you claim to love.
It might be considered differently if you were lets say 14 or something, but you still see the world like this and you're a grown woman!?

I doubt the pair of you are well matched, he just doesn't know it yet.

So what if his mum is settled in the house she's lived in for most of her life with the neighbours she's formed friends with, the people she trusts?!
You need to grow up and see the world for what it is and all the differences that includes.

LegacyUser

I can tell you now, your are not, going to get many on your side for this one!!

So hes your "soulmate", whats your definition of this? Your in your 30's and you sound totally clueless! To make judgements and decisions about someone you "love", based on there family and housing backround! How is this person even responsible for where he was born or how his parents choose to live! The guy has chosen to better himself and make his own life, but yet you still choose to let your petty snobberys rule you head!

YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS MAN.

Irishcrx

Oh dear lord, you have a horrible attitude i'm afraid. Judging him by where his parents live and where he grew up? Thats a big no no for me in a girl , did you ever think it might be part of WHO HE IS?? and who you apparently love. People are indivituals not set out by where they live. Just because you may have been bron with a silver spoon in your mouth doesn't give you the right to judge others, find a new boyfriend who will "Suite" the family more and maybe be more of a prize for you.

For the record all my family grew up in Council estates and I am proud of that fact. I don't "Sound " like it as in my accent is very differant from the rest of my family and I have moved away since, bought my own house etc but whenever I am asked where i'm from no matter by who my answer is always the same like it or lump it, and most don't believe me, i'm sure your bf is the same and proud.

xylocaine

Point taken its a complex situation

metrovelvet

Slightly OT but I am always amazed at the feudalistic streak that still survives in Ireland. Where I come from anyone who has one more car or a better house than their parents have should be praised.

OP you should admire him, not look down on him.

He has accomplished more than you have.

Emme

When I first read this post I thought it was a troll, surely nobody could be that snobbish?

So what if he grew up on a council estate! It makes no difference to me if people come from a council estate or a lord snooty country estate as long as they are decent human beings. That sort of thing doesn't matter as much in the country - in general people accept each other as they are.

Fair play to his mother - if she's happy in the council estate with her friends and neighbours why would she leave even if she did win the lottery?

If you're not prepared to accept this guy for what he is and get on with his family you would be better out of the relationship. There are plenty of down-to-earth women from moneyed backgrounds who would be happy with a nice guy from a council estate and would be more than willing to take your place.

metrovelvet

xylocaine wrote: »

Point taken its a complex situation

Its not complicated at all really.

As my late father would say " well havent you got high class problems?":rolleyes:

ladymarmalade

Emme wrote: »

When I first read this post I thought it was a troll, surely nobody could be that snobbish?

Ditto this can not be a serious post, find it hard to believe a woman in her 30's would be this narrow-minded.

DEEDEE30

I know two women in their 30's who would think exactly like the OP. Its sad but some people are that narrow minded.

xylocaine

as i said point taken already...no nedd to take it this personally, its my problem after all, thanks for all the "help".
P.S enjoy living in your glasshouses

Trillian

In this thread, dated 2008, you say that you're 26? This, plus the ludicrous nature of this 'dilemma', leads me to believe that this is not a geniune post.

kenbrady

There is such thing as a class difference in terms of education, intelligence, outlook, ambition, lifestyle, social circle than can affect relationships. But judging the person on where they were born and not who they are is ignorant.

Has to be a troll

xylocaine wrote: »

both of us are in our 30's.

xylocaine wrote: »

(i'm 26 and female)

nesbitt

Sadly people like OP are ten a penny as are her friends and family. I am neither suprised or outraged by her post.

I am from the Northside and am a well travelled and cultured Dubliner. There will always be people who try to pigeon hole me because of where I am from 'originally' I always laugh inwardly when still asked this question socially. I also laugh at how people are 'amazed' at where I'm from. These type of people are parochial and narrow minded and bore me in a short space of time.

I like broad minded people who can mix with anyone and feel comfortable in their own skin. I love social chameleons and really admire people who truly do not care where you came from but who you are.

Life is a journey and some really have a long way to go to reach enlightenment.

Op may not be all she seems....

Pocket Pillager

xylocaine wrote: »

...so where does this leave my future with whom i think is my soulmate. I'm at breaking point over this and dont want to split up but I cant see a way around this very weird problem. My bf just continues on as normal and says he's happy to go on as we are if I wont marry him. Any sound advice would be much appreciated, and no judgements please -I already know what some of you will say

What exactly did you expect/want posters on this thread to say? "Oh that's easily solved, all you have to do is: A) "get your OH to disown his roots and say he's from somewhere else, tis easily done"; "Get him to agree with your views about his heritage, thereby leading to A"; C) something else??? (Please fill in this blank btw, I'm intrigued).
I'm thinking you wanted to find like-minded people on here who would tell you to how you could pull off options A and/or B and, thankfully, those people have yet to show up. Hopefully they won't, either. The only option, as I see it, is for you to split up with him because you're never going to make each other happy. The gulf in your viewpoints is just too wide. In addition, he deserves better.

Barracudaincork

xylocaine wrote: »

I know it might sound snobby but I was raised well off, and have a public job etc, my family and friends would condemn my bf if they knew his home situation.

Doesnt sound you were raised much at all, its funny as my family would condemn me for thinking anyway like you do.

Question OP, you need a kidney transplant, would you refuse one from these council estate residents? What about if you needed a blood transfusion, would you need to see the credentials of the doners first? Where does your snobbiness end?

e04bf099

I hate people that think the dumb-look of their privileged background is somehow a bonus point for them and a badge of merrit. He came from a low-income background and now has a house and a good job. So-what? Plenty of people do that. Granted, a lot of people are scroungers, but obviously he isn't, and if you generalise people from council estates then you just stigmatise it and put those kids on the back foot from the start. Do you even think about what you're saying? This is obscene! He deserves better than you.

e04bf099

xylocaine wrote: »

as i said point taken already...no nedd to take it this personally, its my problem after all, thanks for all the "help".
P.S enjoy living in your glasshouses

A lot of people here aren't taking this personally here, although some might have a right to. You just aren't a good person, on this evidence, and people are taking the opertunity to lambast your ignorance and stupidity.

Do you not realise that your attitude, which is completely irrational and baseless, can hurt and damage the prospects of good people?

ash23

I'm not taking it personally at all OP, Just a bit incredulous that people like you exist. I really hope its a troll, I really really do!!

Barracudaincork

xylocaine wrote: »

as i said point taken already...no nedd to take it this personally, its my problem after all, thanks for all the "help".
P.S enjoy living in your glasshouses

One minute your issue is with council housing and now its with glasshouses, jeeze lady!!!!

Drummerboy2

I think the sentiments shown by your BF's parents are quite admirable. They obviously judge people on their merits and not on what they own; and are quite happy to live among people they regard as friends.

You on the other hand seem to be a snob. You said that you will sound like a snob and you are indeed a snob. I'm sorry for being so blunt but I think its best for you to go and meet someone more suitable for you as your boyfriend is too good for you. His parents seem to have shown him what is important in people.

The Recliner

Trillian wrote: »

In this thread, dated 2008, you say that you're 26? This, plus the ludicrous nature of this 'dilemma', leads me to believe that this is not a geniune post.

kenbrady wrote: »

Has to be a troll

Less of the accusations people, report posts you have an issue with, this sort of thing drags threads off topic

Moomoo1

OP what did you expect: you come on a board on which you know there will be a fair number of people who might have friends and relatives living in council houses... and you expect people not to be upset?

What sort of advice did you expect? You've pretty much ruled out marriage to this guy, so start looking for for someone of higher roots. He probably won't be your soulmate, you may not even love him that much, but your main criteria (the correct background) would be satisfied.

xylocaine

Sorry to disappoint u

dublingal80

xylocaine wrote: »

Sorry to disappoint u

so you were taking the pee??? Why would you do that?

xylocaine

No i wasnt takin d pee as you say it, i'm just sorry to disappoint all u people who are judging me,

Moomoo1

xylocaine wrote: »

Sorry

you should be

Moomoo1

xylocaine wrote: »

No i wasnt takin d pee as you say it, i'm just sorry to disappoint all u people who are judging me,

do not judge and ye shall not be judged.

dublingal80

Moomoo1 wrote: »

do not judge and ye shall not be judged.

exactly!! well said

how can you be with someone for so many years and still have an issue with where they come from. and if he is your soul mate, why would your family be so upset about where his parents live?

if this guy is your best friend, your soul mate, and would do anything for you and is treating you the best way you could possibly be treated, your family and friends honestly couldnt ask for anything else, and neither could you

If, besides him being amazing to you for 4 years, you cant get over the fact where his parents live, you never will

break up with him, let him move on and be happy

Pocket Pillager

If you don't want to be judged then FFS don't ask for advice on a public thread. Anyway, you're being the judgemental one looking down on people who come from council estates so should you not reconcile that with judgement of you? The banana's calling the lemon yellow.

Nevyn

I am locking this.
I am disapointed at people who did not report posts.

xylocaine you are banned for a week as I think you are trolling and you are just winding people up even if your snobbery is real.