Obssesed with reading his emails/messages

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

Myself and my Boyfriend of 4 years split up last year (his choice) and I was devasted. We cut all contact for the first few months but during the Summer got back in touch and ended up falling in love all over again. We are both 28.

We decided to get back together. We both agreed that we'd matured during our time apart and that it was actually a good and necessary thing for us to do in hindsight. We've been getting on better then ever before and I'm determined to make it work/last this time as I love him deeply.

But..

We agreed that we wouldn't talk too much about what went on while we were apart. We were both single and free to be with whoever we wanted. I slept with 3 guys
during our split and he said he slept with a few people too but nobody meant anything and deep down we loved each other all along.

I was in the apartment a few weeks ago messing about on the laptop and decided to check his emails (terrible I know but curiousity was getting to me). He never told me his password but I guessed it. He is obssessed with a certain band and I guessed that was the password, i was right. As it turns out he uses the same password for his facebook too so I checked that also. I have become a women obssessed. I am now checking every day and I hate myself for it.

I felt sick to my stomach reading his messages. Turns out during our split he slept with 2 of his ex girlfriends. He had always told me that he had no contact with these 2 exes so I was very shocked by this. Obviously he had been in touch with them all along. He also sent a message to one of them on facebook saying 'Your t*ts look amazing in your profile pic'.
There were a few other messages that I couldn't figure out. Things like 'Oh well, looks like I missed the boat'. This can be construed many ways but I of course am thinking the worst.

I feel like I don't know who he is anymore. He was also messaging random girls on facebook (all of which had sexy profile pics) and in one email he asked out a work colleague but she said no.

I knwo you're all probably thinking I am a weapon for doing this and I knwo it's wrong. I am torturing myself reading these things and it's killing me.


Can anybody please help me deal with all of this. I want this to work and I want to trust him. He was single during that time so it's not like he cheated but yet I feel cheated. he made out to me like he was sos ad while we were apart and that he missed me terribly but that's clearly not true.

Please advice me guys and try not to be too harsh. I know I deserve to be given an earful so I'm expecting that but hope someone can also emphatise and help me.

Thanks.

Kimia

I can imagine how you must feel - you had it in your head that he was pining for you when you were apart and then to find out that he most certainly wasn't is fairly crushing, but that's the truth of it. He may have missed you but he wouldn't have shut down completely, just like you didn't.

All I can say is, he loves you, you're the one he wants to be with. If he wanted to be with these other girls he would be, and he would not have told you that he wanted to get back with you and that he loved you.

That's what you have to remember when you get that sick feeling in your stomach. Cut out reading his messages, it's only making it worse, and you need to trust him. (I'm assuming that there's no raunchy messages nowadays because you're back together)

You're only torturing yourself. Stop! As long as there's nothing questionable there since you got back together (and you would have seen it by now), you have no reason to be suspicious.

pookie82

I do feel sorry for you. There's no point in telling you now that you shouldn't have read his mails cos you have now and that's that.

In terms of what he did, there was nothing wrong in it. You two had split up and other girls, exes included, were fair game. Obviously it's pretty awful realising that he went back to two old flames while you two were apart - it's hard enough finding out he was with someone else but the idea that it was an old girlfriend would really mess with my head.

The best thing to do, although controversial, is confess what you did to him and suss him out. Most people will tell you that you shouldn't have looked at all, you should keep quiet if you want the two of you to work again, and forget about what you saw. If you're hurt it's good enough for you for snooping etc. But you should be practical about this. Doesn't sound to me like you'll be able to forget about it and carry on.

So confess, tell him you don't know what made you did it but you're sorry you did, admit it was a horrible invasion of privacy and beg his forgiveness. If he had cheated on you I'd have a different point of view but he did nothing wrong so you have no excuse for snooping. People who snoop will almost always find something they don't like, and I think you'll agree that you would prefer if you'd never looked at all. That's a lesson for the future.

I doubt you can continue without telling him what you know. He may take it badly and refuse to explain himself, and if he does you'll have to put up with that - you guys were broken up so he doesn't have to explain anything. If you're lucky he'll come around and put you at ease.

I hope it works out either way for you.

Kipperhell

If you weren't seeing him and he acted like a normal single man I don't think you can complain about any of it. If he didn't tell you what he did during this time I think that is fair enough. All it will ever do is cause upset. You agreed to not talk about it.

Now you decided you wanted to know but rather than talk to him you went behind is back. Even taking it lighter you just wanted to check if you could find out. Either way you effectively betrayed trust twice, once for looking at e-mails etc... and twice by finding out what he did during a time you have not told him about.

You now seem to stand in judgement of his behaviour over what he has already described as a rough time of his life as you weren't in his life. Either the lack of your support or his loneliness had him act a certain way. He told you how he felt and his actions described via some half communications doesn't tell you that.

You claimed you both matured during your time apart yet your actions don't seem very mature. Trying to be constructive all I can say is you can now see how mature he is and tell him the truth about your actions. The chances are he knows something is up and effectively it is for nothing he has done.

He may very well break up with you but it is only fair to let him know and it is the mature thing to do.

seahorse

burnyoureyes wrote: »

Please advice me guys and try not to be too harsh. I know I deserve to be given an earful so I'm expecting that but hope someone can also emphatise and help me.

You don't deserve to be given an earful and even if you did it wouldn't be anyone’s place here to give it to you.

The important thing to remember is that you didn't put a gun to this mans head and frog-march him back into this relationship, he came back into it of his own free will. The shagging of the ex's (a bitter pill to swallow, no doubt) didn't reignite their past relationships with him. There's a reason for that - he didn't want to be with them.

Needless to say you need to stop the obsessive gawking at his e-mails, but you know that already and don’t need me to say it to you. I’m just pointing it out because there will be a deepening of the damage the more you indulge your desire to look.

Personally I think what went wrong here was that you each expected the other to be superhuman and not care about what went on during your time apart. You both tried to sweep that under the rug rather than just being honest and then putting the issue to rest. Maybe it’s time you both got honest about the things you’ve been pretending weren’t bothering you and didn’t matter? People spend too much time pretending they’re robots, in my opinion. I’m in a long term relationship myself and if he and I had a significant break apart you can be damn sure I’d care who he’d been shagging on his ‘time off’! – and you can be damn sure he’d care who I’d been riding too! There’s no harm being honest about the bleedin obvious!

BraziliaNZ

also maybe think about telling him to change his passwords?

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your responses, they have made me feel alot better.

A few nights ago we had a few drinks and I blurted out that I knew he'd been in touch with Amy* (fake name of ex) and that he always told me that they weren't in contact at all.
Weirdly enough, he didn't ask how I knew this. We share alot of the same friends so I guess he assumed someone had told me.

He said that Amy still holds a torch for him and always have even though they broke up years ago and that they have drunkenly kissed but that's all and never while he was with me. I called him a liar and told him I knew 100% that it was more then a kiss and he just said that we weren't together so I had no right to be angry and that the reason he didn't tell me they are sometimes in touch is cause it's a non issue but he knew I'd get upset.

To be fair to him, since we've been back together there have been no suspect emails or messages and in fact there were soem nice ones he sent to his sister about me which makes me feel guilty.

I think because he broek my heart before I'm finding this all very hard.

I need to stop looking but it's sooooooooooo hard knowing his password to everything. I know that I'll stop for a while but in a few months or if we have a fight, I'll look again. I know I will so I might aswell be honest.

I wish he'd change his password because I'm too insecure and curious not to look and it's damaging me/us

G-Money

Think about it this way. Imagine he logged in and checked your emails and Facebook behind your back and started getting all worked up over those 3 guys you slept with when you were single. No doubt you'd give him the "you wanted us to break up, I was single, what did you expect, how dare you check up on me" line.

In fairness he was single, and while it might be nice to think he was sitting in every night, writing love songs to get your back, he wasn't. And you obviously weren't living the life of a nun either by your own admission. Had he been contacting them since you's got back together and arranging dates and stuff with them, it would be a completely different situation, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I'm guessing though that he knew you wouldn't like to know who he'd been with and didn't tell you. To be blunt, he was single, he wasn't cheating on you and he doesn't owe you any explanations and isn't obliged to produce a list of every girl he's seen or contacted in the time you's were apart.

He defo needs to change his password!

SarahSassy

OP dont ruin this for yourself cos if you keep looking down this road thats what will happen.... You have control over your actions so exercise control and move on from this. He left you but he also came back - prioritise that.

OP you're being irrational here. He's a man, he shagged around a bit when he was single. That's what many (most?) men do. It doesn't mean he didn't love you and want you back, it means he was horny and basically made do with what was available. Even if you'd been with no-one else, you'd be expecting too much for him not to have done anything, but you were with 3 guys, so you're being hypocritical here. It's never nice to think of the person you love being with others, but you're both in the same situation.

sunnyjim

Jesus. So you've read through his private emails, found out stuff that doesn't really concern you, and you are trying to catch him out on what you've discovered?

You're not going to stop reading these emails. You're not much of a friend, let alone girlfriend.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,


This is not the biggest problem in the world. And I speak from experience! I found 28 to be the most jealous age! No idea why, perhaps the mix of adult cynicism with youthful passion.

First there is ONE clear course of action. Tell him what you have done, tell him you are sorry (you are, even if you have to fake it) and tell him to change his password. This is essential. If you play him right he will think its cute. And yes you can play him right, he's your man, you know how to do it.

Then you need to confront your green eyed monster. He is with YOU, not her, or her, or her. You are the chick in the power position. Act like it. Be a woman about this, not a weepy girl. This is not a big deal. The future is where things happen, not the past. He will respect you for being a grown up about it. Resist the urge to do it again, because if you do it again, you are being a masachist, not an adult. You already know this or you would not be here.

Remember you also have little corners of your mind that don't belong to him. Respect his little corners. You have the man, those girls don't.

Shin Bet

when it comes to reading messages Im the expert
only one sentance can help you
If you go looking for something be prepared for what you find.

You have trust issues op and you really need to sort these out probably best to book some time with a counsellor.

rizzee

If you wanna make the relationship work don't be looking in his emails etc, will make it awkward in the long run. Dont you feel bad for looking through them? Its his personal data that shouldn't be tampered with, and besides he was only sending them messages/emails when he was single so its nothing to do with you IMO. I understand were your coming from with hte ''lieng about Amy'' part, but if you were in his situation would you tell him you slept with an ex? If you would I know anyone would find that hard to accept and would be hurt, maybe he was doing it for the best!

Bottom line I think you should just leave the comp and don't be checking emails, don't go near it! Its his info and he obviously hasn't been with anyone since yous have beenback together so you've nothing to worry about!

Good luck

Bottle_of_Smoke

burnyoureyes wrote: »

To be fair to him, since we've been back together there have been no suspect emails or messages and in fact there were soem nice ones he sent to his sister about me which makes me feel guilty.

Ok due to the above you're just being completely out of order. This is a big reason to trust him yet you're still obsessive.

Think you're going to have to tell him. Ask him to change his passwords. Apologise and tell him it won't happen again.

cafecolour

If he went through your emails while you were apart, it probably wouldn't look like you were moping that much for him either. This is why you agreed not to talk to much about your time apart.

As many have said, confess, and tell him to change his password. Or if you don't want to confess, pretend to 'guess' his password while he's there. And then act surprised that it's correct and say something like "I don't want to know that, change it!"

magneticimpulse

would you break into someones house and raid their photo albums and look through there personal stuff? thats what your doing here. You slept with people he slept with other people...fair game. Now think do you really want this person or is your pride more important?? because it has no good outcome the way it is going now. trust is very important and you dont seem to have that.

G-Money

Also, isn't there some sort of law against breaking into someone's email account? She might say that she knows him and she just "guessed" his password and therefore it doesn't matter, but accessing his private information without his consent or knowledge could land you in all sorts of trouble, and not just with him.

Think about that!