Boyfriend not getting on with my best friend!!!

Milly82

Just looking for some advice. Myself and my boyfriend have been going out for nearly 2 and a half years and we bought an apartment together last June. Everything is going great and he is so good to me.

The problem is him and my best friend have just fallen out. I am finding this really difficult. Basically when me and my boyf first met she would go on as if "I know her better than you" etc and this went on for quite a while so he didnt really take to her at first but was civil to her for me. She has got engaged to one of our friends (who my boyf was good friends with before they got together). He couldnt stand the way the two of them went on together, they would make up lies etc. Everyone seen this side of them and started to get fed up with them. He proposed to her drunk one night in a nightclub with no ring etc. He is in college, no job, no money so we all thought this didn't make sense for him to propose to her! She was delighted with the engagement whereas everyone else laughed at it. They have actually booked their wedding and all now, deposit and all paid. We had kept our distance from them for a couple of months but I would meet up with her the odd time as she has been a very good friend to me. But on Friday she asked did my boyf have a problem with the two of them and I said to ask him which she did and he told her that he thinks the "wedding" is an absolute joke etc. She is really very hurt by this and I feel awful. He did say to me if I send this message you know we are going to fall out but I stupidly didnt think they would. But now they have and I'm really upset over it. I can understand why they do my boyfriends head in with their lies etc, as I feel the same way too sometimes but I just don' know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Sinall

Milly82 wrote: »

She was delighted with the engagement whereas everyone else laughed at it. They have actually booked their wedding and all now, deposit and all paid. We had kept our distance from them for a couple of months but I would meet up with her the odd time as she has been a very good friend to me.

I'm a bit confused by this. You say she is your best friend, then you say you were laughing at her engagement, even though she is delighted, then you say you are keeping your distance. These don't seem like the actions of a best friend to me.

Of course your boyfriend and your friend were going to fall out if he sent that message. It sounds to me like you are pulling away from your friend because your boyfriend doesn't like her. There should be room enough in your life for your friends and your boyfriend. If she has been a very good friend to you then maybe you should try to be a very good friend to her. I don't think the issue between your friend and your boyfriend is likely to be resolved anytime soon. But if you want to keep the two of them in your life you will have to find someway to balance it. Maybe meet up with her without your boyfriend there.

I think a lot of people have difficulties with their friends and partners not getting on, but it is going to be hard to come back from a situation where your friend knows that your boyfriend feels that her wedding is a joke. That is understandably a hurtful comment and one that probably wasn't necessary, even if he was trying to explain why he doesn't like her.

shellyboo

Some best friend you are, OP. Who cares if he had a ring or not? Their engagement is just as valid as anyone else's. Your bf was dead wrong to text them that, it's hugely hurtful. You're all acting like kids, tbh. If you can't be happy for your friends getting married, stay well away from them and leave them to enjoy it without ruining it on them.

When you say they make up lies - what sort of lies? Little ones or big ones?

Abi

Milly82 wrote: »

Just looking for some advice. Myself and my boyfriend have been going out for nearly 2 and a half years and we bought an apartment together last June. Everything is going great and he is so good to me.

The problem is him and my best friend have just fallen out. I am finding this really difficult. Basically when me and my boyf first met she would go on as if "I know her better than you" etc and this went on for quite a while so he didnt really take to her at first but was civil to her for me. She has got engaged to one of our friends (who my boyf was good friends with before they got together). He couldnt stand the way the two of them went on together, they would make up lies etc. Everyone seen this side of them and started to get fed up with them. He proposed to her drunk one night in a nightclub with no ring etc. He is in college, no job, no money so we all thought this didn't make sense for him to propose to her! She was delighted with the engagement whereas everyone else laughed at it. They have actually booked their wedding and all now, deposit and all paid. We had kept our distance from them for a couple of months but I would meet up with her the odd time as she has been a very good friend to me. But on Friday she asked did my boyf have a problem with the two of them and I said to ask him which she did and he told her that he thinks the "wedding" is an absolute joke etc. She is really very hurt by this and I feel awful. He did say to me if I send this message you know we are going to fall out but I stupidly didnt think they would. But now they have and I'm really upset over it. I can understand why they do my boyfriends head in with their lies etc, as I feel the same way too sometimes but I just don' know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

A lot of this I don't really understand. But firstly, if they want to get engaged in a night club, well thats their choice. They're obviously serious about it if they've a deposit down and everything, so its time yourself and your boyfriend did take the whole thing seriously.

And what lies? Did you confront them about this? I don't think I'd remain friends with anyone that told lies about me or a boyfriend.

It kinda sounds like you do have a problem with this engagement yourself. Is there a chance that you might be a bit jealous? Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but somethings a-miss here

OS119

shellyboo wrote: »

Some best friend you are, OP. Who cares if he had a ring or not? Their engagement is just as valid as anyone else's. Your bf was dead wrong to text them that, it's hugely hurtful. You're all acting like kids, tbh. If you can't be happy for your friends getting married, stay well away from them and leave them to enjoy it without ruining it on them.

^^^that^^^

otoh, your 'friend' was very stupid to ask a question of someone she doesn't get on with, knowing she might get an answer she might not like, and then pretend to get all offended when that negative answer comes rolling along...

on the whole though, you, your BF and your friends sound deeply unpleasent for riddiculing someone elses wedding because it doesn't fit with your ideas of what an engagement should look like. get a grip.

meriwether

Your boyfriend is well out of order to say what he said, and should apologise.

While you have indicated some problems you have had with them as a couple (lying, etc) you really can't have a problem with their wedding arrangements. And shouldn't have either.

Milly82

I don't think I explained myself correctly in my first post. It is hard to explain. She has been a very good friend to me and I feel that the guy she is engaged to is taking her for a ride. She pays for everything, brings him everywhere and doesnt come out with her friends much anymore as she says she gets panic attacks when she is not with him. It is really hard to explain when you don't know them but everyone who knows them understands. I did disagree with the way he proposed but I have told her this and I am very happy for her now as it's what she wants. My issue is with my boyf and her falling out. I feel it is going to be very awkward. And in relation to the comment that I am very unpleasant, I can assure I am not! And there is no way that I am jealous of this engagement, I can assure you that.

Sinall

Milly82 wrote: »

I don't think I explained myself correctly in my first post. It is hard to explain. She has been a very good friend to me and I feel that the guy she is engaged to is taking her for a ride. She pays for everything, brings him everywhere and doesnt come out with her friends much anymore as she says she gets panic attacks when she is not with him. It is really hard to explain when you don't know them but everyone who knows them understands. I did disagree with the way he proposed but I have told her this and I am very happy for her now as it's what she wants. My issue is with my boyf and her falling out. I feel it is going to be very awkward. And in relation to the comment that I am very unpleasant, I can assure I am not! And there is no way that I am jealous of this engagement, I can assure you that.

If you feel the guy she is engaged to is taking her for a ride, why are you showing your support to her by distancing yourself and laughing at her engagement?? It sounds like she really needs a friend but you are deriding her instead of supporting her.

What possible reason could you have had for disagreeing with the way he proposed to her? Every couple is different, what you might think is a lovely proposal might not work for her at all.

Yes, it is going to be awkward with your friend and boyfriend falling out. Deep down what do you want to happen? Do you want to continue to be friends with her, or are you more concerned about what everyone else thinks? If it is the latter, then stop pretending to be her friend. That sort of behaviour is going to hurt her and possibly ruin her enjoyment of her wedding plans.

If your primary concern with regards to your friends relationship was her welfare, I don't think this situation would have come about. The only way to maybe start to reconcile this would be to ask your boyfriend to apologise. Surely he can be civil to her for your sake.

Moomoo1

this is really, really out of order: you don't just tell someone that their wedding is a 'joke'. What sort of pondlife says things like that?

And you, knowing full well that he'd say that, just avoided all responsibility by saying 'oh it's not my problem, you two sort it out between yourselves'. Well, guess what, they didn't, and now you have an even bigger problem. Oops.

I really think you owe her the mother of all apologies...

martdalto

There's always going to be a problem when friends think they know what's best in each others relationships.

You can't decide for her how things should and shouldn't be. You can't decide whether or not she should be paying for everything (would you think the same if the roles were reversed, and HE was the one paying for everything) If it works for them and they are happy - then it's nobody elses business.

I'm going to guess that the lies they make up, is al to exaggerate themselves? I have a friend & her husband who do the same thing. I don't like her husband. I never liked him. But she has been a very very good friend of mine since we were tiny. So she doesn't know I don't like him (or at least I try very hard not to show it!!) It's HER choice. She's married to him, not me! And if she's happy, then it's really none of my business.

I agree with the others. I think you bf owes her an apology, as do you. When she asked you did your bf have a problem all you had to say was "Don't be silly, why would he" Although I'm sure the fact that you had all been in a nightclub in a gang laughing at them might have hinted that you weren't as delighted for them as they were.

Your bf should have been mature enough to smile and pass on his congratulations.

If you are genuinely concerned for her wellbeing while with this fella, then they best thing you can do for her is to remain a best friend and remain physically close, where you can keep on eye on her and where she feels comfortable confiding in you if ever needed.

I think you might have just burned that bridge too.

You both should aplogise to her. And you should return to being a "best friend".

Unless of course you don't want to, and in which case you should move on and not be in so much contact.