Frequency question

LegacyUser

My partner and I are both 28 and have been together since we were 18. I know that frequency of sex diminishes over time but I'm at a loss. Without generalising, aren'tmen supposed to be the ones who have higher libidos? I am always the one who initiates sex, and I requently get told that he is tired. He works a normal 8/9 our day in retail(not that strenuous), and then crashes in the couch for the rest od the evening, He is not overweight by any means, and he smokes. We have talked about it many times. He swears that he finds me attractive still, but he has hinted that I am the one with unusual appetites. As I am in my twenties i think it is healthy ti want to have sex 4/5 times a week. Since he has constantly turned me down over the past four/five years, I only come on to him about twice a week. We sometimes go a fortnight without, and then he has a crazy burst of instatiablity for two days. I'm so confused and hurt. I flip between blaming myself and being really angry at him.
recently he has gone through a stressful time losing one of his parents. Again he is at a stand still. I hate thinking this way, but I know this will be the reason for now sex for a few months..
So I guess the question that I'm asking is whats normal?

shellyboo

There is no normal.

Not the answer you were looking for, I know... but nobody is ever in the right in these situations. It's about compatibility, unfortunately. Your sex drive is no longer compatible with your partners - his has diminished and yours has stayed high. The only solution is compromise on both parts. You need to talk to him in a non-sexual situation about this, tell him you're frustrated and that you need more sex. Would you be open to the idea of him helping you to masturbate? It can alleviate frustration and it's intimate, but it means he's not expected to perform... that eases pressure on him.

Basically, talk - what's his ideal frequency, what's yours. Decide on a number between those two, and you both have to make a huge effort to meet that number - you without complaining about lack of sex or asking for more, him without making excuses to put off sex.

It's a very tricky situation this - best of luck.

Beetlebum

I agree with Shelly's advice but felt the need to comment on the last part of your post.
Having lost a parent myself, I know how heartbreaking it is. You sound extremely selfish and insensitive. he has just lost a parent and all you're thinking is...great, he's gonna use that as an excuse not to have sex.
Buy a vibrator and have a heart.
Jesus.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

Basically, talk - what's his ideal frequency, what's yours. Decide on a number between those two, and you both have to make a huge effort to meet that number.

+1

My boyfriend and I did just that and it worked brilliantly, took a huge amount of pressure off both of us.

And by the way, I totally understand what you're saying in the last part of your post ... it's a little more difficult to have sympathy with someone's loss when you KNOW in your heart they'll be using that loss as an excuse to get out of doing something and clearly you're upset with yourself for thinking this so I don't think you're "extremely selfish and insensitive".

OS119

Clarita21 wrote: »

...As I am in my twenties i think it is healthy ti want to have sex 4/5 times a week.... So I guess the question that I'm asking is whats normal?...

OP, 4 or 5 times a week isn't 'high'. i've no idea whats 'normal', and nor could i care, but in my long and varied experience, 4 or 5 times a week isn't an unreasonably high sex drive by any stretch of the imagination.

obviously him losing a parent 'recently' may affect his libido, but my take is that the interesting thing is that you veiw it as just another in a long line of excuses not to have sex, not neccessarily in an unkind way, rather in the manner of an employer faced with an employee who's cronicly late/unproductive and always has a 'good excuse', but your patience has snapped on the same day his car blew up. you appear sufficiently dissatisfied by his past behaviour that your reaction to this week's (very good, and entirely reasonable) excuse is just 'oh for fcuks sake!'.

you aren't getting what you want from this relationship, and that long-term dissatisfaction suggests to me that this has run its course...

komodosp

Without generalising, aren'tmen supposed to be the ones who have higher libidos?

That is generalising... But just to generalise a little less, men tend to have lower libidos as they get older (into their 30s), whereas women tend to have higher ones at the same age.

LegacyUser

thanks for all your mostly supportive comments. I didn't mean to sound insensitive re partners parent. OS119 has kind of understood my point. This has been a 4-5 year issue and his parent being ill and subsequently passing away has been a 10 month issue. As for the masterbation comment. His getting or sustaining an erection is not the problem. In fact when I mention that I am willing to have sex and I don't have to orgasm, he is suddenly in the mood. This leads me to conclude it is just that he is not willing to put in the extra effort it takes for us both to be satisfied(hoping I don't have to explain the science here).
AS I mentioned we have otherwise a health and very open relationship in which we have discussed all the above. After a discssion he puts in the effort for two to three weeks, then falls back to the usual pattern. One of the reasons I am worried is that although I have managed to live with this for quite a while, I am aware that women in their thirties usually have experience an increase in their libido. As we are planning to have children soon too, I am terrified of the gap in our libidos becoming much larger. I should also mention that our views on sex in a relationship differ also. I see it as having two different roles. I like the affection and intimacy side, but sometimes I just like a non-emotional shag, like sctatching an itch. He is much more emotional than me. It may also stem from the fact that I had a more adventurous teen life tan he did