how to help friend with violent partner..

nesbitt

I am having difficulty trying to advise/help a good friend. She has suffered violent assault in the past from partner. For years she was in denial but only this summer she actually told me what I already surmised. He has been working abroad for over a year and keeps in touch sketchily by phone. He left her financially high and dry, sending sporadic funds home and she had to resort to apply for social welfare etc. A lot of water under the bridge in the relationship and she has walked on egg shells to keep it all together for her and 3 kids whilst he was living with her. He has an aggressive, moody temperament and resorts to violence. He has physically assaulted her and is very agressive to her kids.

Anyway he is returning to Ireland for a 3 week visit in December and has stepped up the phone calls. The kids are excited and I can not help but notice that she is too in a pathetic way. My style of advice is totally not in your face and I told her to tread carefully and remember all the issues. I told her that if she needed me in the middle of the night I would go and get her etc.... I am not a judgmental person and would afford her the dignity of showing my care for her without making her pride take a hit.

She asked me last night about contraception advice, as she has issues taking the pill etc. so she intends sleeping with him when he is back.

Anyone got any advice other than sit back and watch it all happen and just help her pick up the inevitable pieces. Just feel helpless and know that I cannot walk in her shoes for her but there must be more I can do.

Anyone been through this?

Tinkerbell09

i would suggest that you ask to meet with someone in a womens refuge - the staff there are great, and will point you in the right direction of how to be a practical support. they have seen every situation so will be able to share a lot of wisdom with you.

also inform youself about how abusers manipulate and contol their victims and you will be better placed to be there for your friend in the best possible way.

i read this booki: into the light: a guide for battered women. author leslie cantrell, and i found very informative of both how the abusers mind works, and how the abused copes with it.

it also gives you tips on the practicalities - eg having a packed suitcase stashed in your house, or things like the kids legal documents in a place they can be grabbed in an emergency.

finally - good luck, you sound like the kind of friend anyone would be proud to have. i hope it all works out for your friend and her kids

qwertytlk

Firstly i just want to say You sound like a great friend, although you may not feel like one at the moment in this situation as you clearly feel a little helpless but you are actually doing the right things already ; Being non;judgemental and being a support system for her, someone she can rely on and someone that she can trust.. I know its really hard to see someone you care about in this situation as i have been there myself before with a friend in similar circumstances, but as hard as it is just remember this is her life and as unfortunate as it is she has made the choice to see this man even though he clearly treats her terribly.

When the time comes i am sure she will come to you.
These situations are always difficult and being the observer its very clear to you what she needs to do - leave this man, but for her she is being both physically and mentally abused which takes its toll on a person and often leaves them with little self confidence or courage, which is probably the reason she will not leave.
The idea another poster had to speak to your local womens refuge is a great idea as at least if something does happen and she needs that kind of support it may not be as daunting for her as you will know what the procedure is and how they deal with women who come to them for help.

Good luck and i hope your friend stays safe and is ok.

nesbitt

I will buy the book suggested, will be in city centre so I'm sure Easons will have it or I can order it. I will also make a candid phone call and get some advice from people who deal with these issues and know them inside out.

I am separated and so have dealt with a lot of issues over the years but have no experience of violence but know what it is like to have to decide when a relationship needs to end.