Worried about my sanity.

LegacyUser

I've been worrying that I might be mad for 11 years now.

When I was 15 I went through a weird stage of hearing voices. Sometimes it would seem as if an invisible person standing right next to me would say my name in my ear, or call me from nearby. Sometimes I got a shiver down my spine and could feel their breath on my ear.

I also heard scary voices a couple of times, the one that really stands out in my mind was when I was 15 or 16, I was alone in my room and I heard what sounded like Hitler angrily barking orders in German. That was really scary.

One time I was walking through town, gazing up at a balcony on which people were walking and suddenly everything went into slow motion and it seemed as if a woman standing on the balcony looked at me with intensely religious eyes and hissed "evil!" at me as I walked past.

Those are just a couple of examples, and I had never used drugs at that time, however towards the end of my 16th year I did a bit of ecstasy and weed. I was going through a hard time then as a friend of mine had just killed himself, and one night whilst on ecstasy I had what felt like a religious revelation, like God was touching my soul. I put it down to the drugs, I thought it was just the MDMA affecting my brain so I disregarded it.

At 17 I went through a major depressive episode and started having weird hallucinations. I tried to kill myself and ended up in hospital for a week because the attempt I made was so serious. It was not a cry for help, I really intended to die.

Since then I've always thought about suicide. However, even after quitting drugs I kept having these intense religious experiences, I've been getting them for nearly 10 years now. Sometimes the feeling of bliss and oneness with God is so intense I have to lie down because of the waves of pleasure rushing through my body. At times like that I think I'll never be depressed again, but then the depression comes back and I start thinking about suicide again. Sometimes I feel the bliss and depression at the same time, which is very confusing.

I'm so tired of living like this, I put my symptoms into a search engine and it said I could be bipolar. I do not want to go to the doctor because some of my medical notes from the time of my suicide attempt have already prevented me from getting a job I wanted, if I add even more cray stuff to my file I might as well give up now. Plus I don't want to be dosed up on pills. I wonder constantly - is this feeling of oneness with God real, should I trust it, or am I just nuts?

Part of me doesn't even want to try to be cured, because it's so hard getting your hopes up and having them dashed. When I've been feeling religiously euphoric for a while and then come crashing back down with depression, it's much harder than if I'd never been euphoric at all. Part of me just wants to cave in to the darkness because it would be easier. I don't enjoy life, I don't think I ever have, I've never wanted to exist but I'm not depressed quite enough to kill myself right now (plus I don't want to hurt my family). Living in this limbo is awful, I would rather either be totally happy or totally depressed. This constant up and down is a nightmare.

I don't know what I want from this thread really, I know people will tell me to visit the doctor but I am not going to for the aforementioned reasons. Lately I've been doing the things that I was doing during my period of major depression (eg listening to the same depressing music and looking at the same depressing things), almost as if I'm trying to get back to that totally depressed stage again so this can all be over. But at other times I listen to beautiful uplifting religious music and try to be totally happy.

I just don't know what to do, I'm not even 30 yet and I can't face another 50 years of this.

dudara

OP, I've edited your post to add some paragraphs, as the single large block was quite hard to read.

All I can say is that if I was oscillating between various moods, I would visit a doctor. I think your fear of not getting a job if you do is irrational. If you contine to swing between moods, you're going to find it hard to get a job, regardless.

I really truly urge you to go to a doctor.

LegacyUser

I actually forgot a few things I wanted to mention in my first post. I can't even remember everything I wanted to say now, but for this. I'm worried I'm having delusions on top of this. A few years ago I was convinced I was getting signs from God directing me what to do with my life. (things like a book opening at a page with a message for me and stuff like that.) I lived my life according to these signs and when they stopped coming I felt abandoned by God.

The other thing is what prompted me to start this thread. It's about my favourite band (I don't want to say who they are in case I identify myself). Alot of things happened to this band and their fans have been known to do unusual things, lately I became convinced that they're possessed by an evil spirit or Satan that uses them to lure people to their doom. I ecame absolutely convinced that this was true until today when I mentioned it to a friend and she pointed out that it probably wasn't true at all. I just keep getting weird thoughts like this and it's worrying me.

LegacyUser

I forgot to say I also self-harmed until about 10 years ago and have been having an urge to do so again, even though the scars i have from last time still cause me distress.

Nevyn

Go to the dr in the morning.