Crisis

LegacyUser

I've been with my partner for 8 years now. We have children and we love each other immensely. Well so I thought. SInce we moved in together I have been the housekeeper in the relationship and basically do all the housework, cooking, looking after the kids, basically everything. Both of us work full time. I get up each morning, get the children and myself ready, race out of the house to do drops at school, the creche and then I race to work, which usually I am late for. After work I race back to the creche and collect the children and then race home again to prepare and cook dinner, do homework, tidy up after dinner and get the children ready any put them to bed. By the time I get to take a breath on a weekday it is 9pm. And even at that I am dodging a ton of ironing and other chores which need to be done. This is my day Monday to Friday. My partner is home 2 hours earlier than me each day and does not think of helping out with the dinner, children etc. That is not my problem as I have now 8 years later come to accept happiness and peacefulness comes at a price.

At a weekend he sometimes works or takes off for part or some weekends most of the weekend. Usually approaching the weekend the question is usually what he is up to for the weekend rather than if I have any plans. I have no social life whatsoever. Neither does he really, if I am to be honest but he does get out a lot more than me. This is also something I have come to accept. I love him very much and I love our family and after all I am the mother and homekeeper so I just happily get on with it.

When it comes to our sex life it is so boring. There is no foreplay, no passion etc. however he goes on about oral sex all the time and how I am neglecting him when I go for a couple of weeks without performing. Him on the other hand never returns the pleasure because he doesn't like it. That too I've learned to accept but lately his demands for it are becoming so headwrecking it has started to annoy me. He is obsessed with lesbian porn and is on pornsites almost every day. A few weeks ago he left the computer on logged in to a dating website. He had a profile set up. I was stunned. When I approached him about it he first denied it. I then read his profile back to him and then he went on to say it was so he could look at more porn pics and that he honestly was not looking for somebody else. He pleaded with me to believe him so I told him I did even though I was still very skeptical. There was no evidence to show he was having an online affair so I was in no position to assume there was.

He tells me he loves me all the time and is very forthcoming with affection but when he gets annoyed or cross about something he can be very nasty with his comments towards me including namecalling. If I was to behave like that I'd be nursing bruises for a few weeks so I mostly tend to suppress my anger if something is not going my way. This has really started to hurt my feelings lately and I'm wondering if he really loves me as I think he is more in love with my love for him and how I look after his needs.

Last night we had a talk and I told him how I felt. Well I was bullied into talking. Once again I was afraid he would get cross and didn't know what to do so I prepared for the worst and went full steam ahead and told him how I felt. I told him I felt he has no respect for me. I told him I felt neglected sexually as he doesn't perform oral sex on me but watches it constantly on tv. I told him I didn't think he truly loved me but instead I thought he was in love with how I love him. I told him I truly believed if another lady came along he would leave me for her. He disputed all my arguments but the last one. There were many other issues I wanted to open up with but I could see his anger and didn't want to go further. We didn't resolve anything. We went to bed and slept as close as possible to the edge of our own sides of the bed. Then he asked me if I was happy. I asked him generally or right now. He just repeated the question. I told him I was generally happy but right now I am not. I asked if he was happy. He answered no. He said is being blackmailed and his relationship was going down the tubes. I asked why he felt he was being blackmailed. I never asked him to do anything. He said he feels he has to perform oral sex even though he doesn't like it. I said that is not true. I didn't say that I just wanted him to understand how I feel neglected when he doesn't perform on me so that when he constantly asks me to do it I don't feel as enthusiastic as I should. Then there was silence and we haven't spoken since.
I am at a loss as to what happened. Did he not hear everything else I said about our relationship?

I don't know what to do. Has our relationship come to an end. Bear in mind we are 8 years together and when I broached the subject of marraige a year ago he went on about having no money. He is also a compulsive spender and spends all of his available funds on things for himself. Never on me or the kids. During the year he bought two vehicles and a few other costly items. I also came into a few bob during the year and spent half of it on him (€1500)and saved the rest. Everytime he bought something I thought surely the ring will come next and it didn't. Along came another vehicle and more things for him.

Am I being foolish for him? Should I tell myself this is the end. He will never change. If he truly loved me he would have asked me to marry him by now? Or is it that he's on to a good thing for so long he doesn't respect me enough to invest in our future. I'm so confused and when I look at the children I think I should just grin and bear it for their sakes. I'm scared of what the future holds. I love this man more than anything in the world but I am disrespecting myself puttin up with this situation.

Any opinions please would be greatly appreciated.

LegacyUser

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, and while I normally get irritated with people who respond to posts telling the OP to "get out now" even after minor issues, I would strongly suggest you consider ending this relationship. I understand that you love him very much, but are you perhaps in the habit of loving him? From what you've described, I'm not sure there is much to actually love.

If you're waiting for a ring, I think you'll be waiting for a long time. What would motivate him to get married - he gets all his needs met without spending money on a ring and wedding. Besides, what do you think getting married will change? I was in exactly the same situation as you in terms of being together eight months, going though a patch where I felt very unloved and unneeded (though no children, thankfully). He did nothing around the house, but if he as much as folded washing, I was expected to throw a parade in acknowledgement! We ended up getting married with me foolishly thinking that he needed the commitment from me and that this change would make all the difference in our relationship - but a piece of paper is essentially meaningless in these situations and not even a year later he walked out for someone who he'd met online. I'm not saying it will happen to you, but if you've already got doubts, then holding out for marriage is probably not the smartest move.

A true partner (husband or not) will want to move heaven and earth to make your life better - in small ways, in big ways, it doesn't matter. Just as you put his and your kids needs first, they will put yours first. He'll ask you what your plans are for the weekend, not just assume that his free time is his alone. He'll want to hang out with the kids whilst you have a nap or a drink with friends etc etc. I'm lucky enough to have a partner like that now - and boy, the difference is unbelieveable. I never knew what it was like to be loved so well.

Although a split it will be hard for the kids - it always is - it is better in the long run to teach them to be strong and stand up for yourself rather than to be a doormat. Do you want your son (?) to think it's OK for a man to behave this way, or your daughter (?) to think that it's OK to be treated this way?

And finally, if your sister, best friend, or daughter later in life told you the same story as you've written here - what would your advice to them be? If you'd advise them to stay, then stay yourself. But if you'd advise them to leave, then perhaps you need to think about your own advice.

Whatever you decide, I wish you much happiness and fulfilment. I just don't think you'll find it where you are.

daisybelle2008

AnonySheila wrote: »

I've been with my partner for 8 years now. We have children and we love each other immensely.

I have been the housekeeper in the relationship and basically do all the housework, cooking, looking after the kids, basically everything. If I was to behave like that I'd be nursing bruises for a few weeks so I mostly tend to suppress my anger if something is not going my way. Well I was bullied into talking. Once again I was afraid he would get cross and didn't know what to do . I felt he has no respect for me.

I told him I truly believed if another lady came along he would leave me for her. He disputed all my arguments but the last one.

I asked if he was happy. He answered no.

Am I being foolish for him? Should I tell myself this is the end. He will never change. If he truly loved me he would have asked me to marry him by now? Or is it that he's on to a good thing for so long he doesn't respect me enough to invest in our future. I'm so confused and when I look at the children I think I should just grin and bear it for their sakes. I'm scared of what the future holds. I love this man more than anything in the world but I am disrespecting myself puttin up with this situation.

Any opinions please would be greatly appreciated.

This 'relationship' sounds like hell to me. God please stop trying to convince yourself you are happy when you are selling yourself so short.

You seem so conflicted. On one hand you say at the start of your email.that you love each other immensely.
But basically you are an unpaid housekeeper, your partner has no respect for you or your feelings. I think you have learnt to supress your true feelings to please him and apparently for fear of violence. You cannot be yourself around him.
He has as much as told you he will leave you if someone better comes along. He says he is not happy and acts like a petulant spoilt child if you don't dance to his tune.
His actions show very little love or respect. He won't marry you and really that may be a blessing in disguise. I don't beleive you are tellling us the half of how bad it is because I don't beleive you have fully accepted how doomed and self-destructive this relationship is. It is a terrible example or a relationship to be setting to your children. Don't be playing the martyr for their sake. I am sure the hostility and your doormat behaviour is being noted. Surely you would want more for them then this.

e04bf099

This is a really sad situation, and I feel really sorry for you. I don't want to be harsh but you have to take some responsibility here. You've dug yourself into a hole here and you have to start climbing out by cutting your losses. You have to stand up to him. Stare him down and don't let yourself be intimidated. If you can't do this then your children will grow up with this awful role-model. No father is better than a bad father. Your children need a proper male role-model that respects women and pulls his weight. He is guilt-tripping you and black-mailing you. You and he both know this, but he is pushing this fact under the rug because he knows that if he intimidates you he can cloud up the reality of the situation. The fact that it is you who who are worried that he will leave makes it plainly obvious that this is what he is doing. In what way could you possibly be blackmailing him? You are not performing oral sex on him with the glee of a good little house-wife? That is nuts! He is saying that if you "with-hold" this "right" of his, just accepting his premise that his responsibilities are irrelevant for a second, then you are somehow coercing him or being manipulative? News flash, oral sex is not a "right" in any relationship, its a gift.

It sounds like you have never stood up to him. Unfortunately, if you do not do it very soon, your children will pick up all of the negative aspects of his character. Your girls(?) will have no self-respect and your lads(?) will not respect women. They will grow up to be mean manipulative nasty people that abuse and intimidate their partners emotionally, and they will never pick up after themselves because in the end they won't respect YOU.

I cannot believe you are still waiting for a ring! It is nuts how you would consider marrying this man. It is even more nuts that you would have children with him.

I'm sorry to be blunt. I hope it doesn't sound cruel. But I really think your children need a proper role model and the only way they will get this is if you stand up to him. Push him to the limits and see how angry you can make him. He has no right to be angry. He is completely and utterly in the wrong. There are rarely threads on this site that are so clear-cut.

Good luck, and I hope you can step up to the mark and show him you won't be taken for granted, disrespected or taken advantage of any more.

thefeatheredcat

AnonySheila wrote: »

This is also something I have come to accept.

This is something that really stuck out, you've come to accept all this that you've described.

You and your children deserve better.

If you're confident you can confront all these issues you've written about here with him, indeed there should be trust in the relationship for you to speak openly. If you can't do it alone and somehow fearful of the result, talk to someone you trust and have them present.

I got the impression somewhere that you sound like you're living in fear and just playing up the certain expectations of your role.

But has all this behaviour a description of the relationship in general or just since he moved in?

You could end the relationship altogether but consider if it's first worth fighting for by the route of counselling or anything? Does this person love you enough to fight for it too?

Communicate first see where it goes, take it step by step. 8 years is an investment, but do you want 18 in an unhappy long term commitment or marriage?