Being off alcohol: does the emptiness ever end?

LegacyUser

It's now over four weeks since I last had a drink and I just need to know: will this emptiness ever end? Do people who are 10 or 20 or 40 years off drink still feel like this? I need other people's experiences here.

I know it's pathetic - I know I am pathetic - to have allowed my life to get in this situation where I feel empty every day because I do not have a drink. Yet this is how I feel. I am going out still, largely because I'm in a steady relationship and there are many events attached to it, but I'm just acting every day now. I'm talking and putting on that front and doing all that's socially required of me.

But I feel utterly empty as I stand there and listen to people. I just want to escape, to relax, to not feel like a shadow. I feel like every day I am battling something so hard that it takes much more for me to be a happy guy and do the things which guys who are not fighting this can do. Even when I do get a laugh the talk of the next social event (which always revolves around the pub/alcohol) makes me so down, so fake and so untrue to myself (or at least the self I have spent the past 15 years of drinking creating).

I am going to get through this on my own but if the reality is that I'll always feel this empty I don't know if I want it. When does the break come?

opinion guy

To be honest with you my overwhelming impression of your post is that this is about selfesteem and not alcohol. Perhaps you were using alcohol as a selfesteem crutch.

Suggest you find something new. A new hobbie, a new focus. Something fun and different that you can get into. I also would suggest - find other ways to spend time than the pub - thats going to make it hard not to drink.

Hmm I posted previously on how to build self-esteem, perhaps this may help you:

Official Opinion Guy Program for Building Self-Esteem tm

1. Realise that building self esteem takes time. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. Depends on where your starting from really and how circumstances allow you to grow. But the point is be in it for the long haul - don't give up if you've not reach confidence in a week or a month or even a year.

2. Find a passion or strong interest. do you have hobbies ? Things you love to do ? Find something that makes you feel joy to do and indulge it.

3. Spend a little time every week doing something that makes you feel good about yourself. If you study/work in something that does that for you then great. But if not find something - maybe volunteer or charity work. Something that makes you feel you did something worthwhile.

4. Take up something like a martial art or a dance class. Many reasons why I recommend this. For one thing, it puts you in a situation where you have to interact both physically and mentally with other people in a safe and fun manner and also gives you a common interest to discuss with your classmates. For another thing, it keeps you fit, gives you a greater sense of presence and confidence in your body which over time eventually translates into greater mental self-confidence. Did I mention its fun ? Seriously thou I can't overstate how useful martial arts or a dance class are. If you are not into the violence of martial arts try a "soft" marital art like Aikido or Tai Chi (soft meaning its not about hurting someone but about protecting your self and building selfconfidence

5. Identify triggers of your insecurity or toxic people in your life and find new ways to deal with them. you don't need to pick fights with anyone, just find different ways to interpret their influecne on you

6. try to keep fit. gives you endorphins and makes you feel more selfconfident in how you look and feel. eat healthy food too for that matter.


7. Everynow and then do something to challenge yourself a little out of your comfort zone. Make a presentation, talk to someone u don't know and have always found intriguing, do a parachute jump (or whatever else seems a bit scary to you etc!!) Point is something you've always been that little bit scared to you, but is actually attainable. When you've done it you'll be all - wow I did it

tunguska

First of all well done of giving up the booze. Youve done something that a lot of people in the world are not strong enough to do.
The emptiness youre referring to is you being faced with reality. Or more specifically, the empitness is you facing yourself. What you've done in giving up alcohol is remove a buffer that protects you from your true self. Which I know sounds very heavy, flakey and all new age.
But giving up alcohol is similiar to that movie the matrix: On alcohol you live in the matrix, off alcohol you live in the real world. I gave up the booze 7 years ago so I know exactly how you feel. Giving up drink was no problem, the difficulty came in the form of social stigma. What you have going in your favor is your girlfriend, she can be a great support for you during what youre going through. I gave up alcohol alone and let me tell you I the isolation I experienced was masssive. It definitely wouldve made things easier had I someone there to keep me company when everybody else had abandoned me. But I wouldnt change any of it though because I learned so much great stuff about myself and others.
When I gave up drinking I was gradually excluded from anything that involved alcohol, which in this country is a fair few things. Stuff like going to the pub, gigs, festivals, holidays, parties, I was not invited to. I thought these people were my friends but they were really only drinking buddies. I try not to take it personally because this is insecurity on the part of the drinkers. They dont feel comfortable around someone who isnt doing what theyre doing i.e. drinking to excess. I know there are people who can go out and have one or two pints and leave it at that. But a lot of people arent that way, they drink to get drunk and all under the guise of "having a good time" or "enjoying themselves." And its easy to go along with the pack and try to convince yourself that its normal to drink 8 or 9 pints in one night, sure everybody else is doing it so it must be ok, right? But when faced with someone who isnt skulling back 10 pints in a night people who drink to get drunk feel uncomfortable because it reminds them of the damage theyre doing to themselves and the abnormailty of drinking so much. Its like sitting in Mcdonalds gorging yourself on junk food and then you look across the way and theres a healthy looking person eating a salad. A lot of people would feel bad, inadequate, guilty, unhealthy in the face of this. And thats what happens with people who drink to get drunk, they see non-drinkers and their own consciences start giving them a hard time. And drinkers just dont want to be reminded of the negative aspects of what their doing, so thats why any people I know(very few) who gave up the booze all ended up being marginalised.

But back to the emptiness........To answer your question, yes the emptiness will go away. Where you are right now is in that space that exists between having and not having. You've removed alcohol and now theres a void. Youve taken a buffer away that served to protect you from reality and from your true self. So now you've been forced to face yourself which is not an easy thing to do. Its why people drink to excess in the first place or take drugs or gamble compulsively or blow all their money on hookers. Theres a name for the emptiness, buddhists and philosophers call it: Existential suffering. You've removed a buffer so now its just you facing yourself and the nature of your own existance. Again, I know this might seem a bit over the top for something like just quitting drinking but I think giving up alcohol is similiar to an ice-berg: Theres a lot more below the surface.
So what should you do? Keep doing what youre doing. Theres some part of you thats guided you so far so keep listening to that part of you. I mean that part of you led you to giving up alcohol in the first place so its making some good decisions on your behalf. Youre in the process of finding yourself, something that you can never fully do if you're drinking to get drunk. I know it doesnt seem like it right now but youre in a great position, youre doing something that a lot of people will never do: Find who they really are. Yes Its uncomfortable and you feel that awful emptiness but hang in there because it will get better, And I guarantee when it does you'll emerge on the other side 10 times the man you were as a drinker.
Well done and good luck man.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
You are a couple of weeks further down a road I have begun on so congrats on that. That emptiness is my biggest fear in giving up booze. Maybe you could try a talk to people who don't drink - try the non drinkers group here or www.mywayout.org - there maybe people who can identify with what your going through.
I don't fancy the idea of it myself at this stage but maybe an AA meeting would help - surely a lot people there going through what you are.

Well done and best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

The answer is yes, I have come from feeling so low and suicidal in life to now being content in myself, i did it with a psychotherapist and commitment to heal my inner wounds, i had to believe that suffering was not the end of the road for me.

As others have said it is not the alcohol you have to address it is your root cause of your pain and how you feel about yourself, who criticized you soo badly that you now talk to yourself this way,

I also feel that putting labels on people creates limited thinking, being an alcoholic can feel limiting, try not to think that there is only one way to heal, there is the perfect way for you to heal,

I am amazed with the teachings of Dr Wayne Dyer, i have just watched his new movie THE SHIFT on line for a few euros, it was the most enlightening movie i have ever seen, he was an orphan and drinker and he now lives a life of peace and love,

kjl

Yes, it will pass.

Ive been off the drink for about 8 years or so, and the answer is yes, you do feel better after a while. You find it easier to be yourself and your original confidence comes back. edit: I should point out though, that I gave up for myself, not because I had a problem so my perceptive might be different.

BUT.......the bad news is that you will never be able to relate to the people who are drunk around you. 99% of the time they are boring and repetitive and talk a lot of rubbish. You need to start to do things that don't revolve around drink, like paintball, dancing lessons, gym, bowling and there are more things.

The problem as I see it as a non drinker, is that Irish people are very dependent on drink. They spend most of their time doing it. I know its a rough few weeks but get through it and you will be a better man for it.

First things first though, if you are not a member of a gym, join one. Start eating healthy, and get yourself back in to good shape. The reason you might feel this way is because alcohol filled a void, you need to replace that with something else, and the best one to chose is fitness and living well. You get a much better rush out of living healthy the any other drug around.

GL, keep it up, and let us know how you are getting on.

Overheal

Drinking to excess always made me feel worse about myself, which must be the opposite of what most people go through? But anyway I dont do that anymore. For me, I find so much more pleasure in my wits and senses. You cant put a price on the mental clarity.

Im sure this is what you're feeling - that clarity. And now as you look back on the last while (months, years, etc) you've begun to reflect? When I look back at the guy I was, Who took stupid dares to down a 6-pack in 15 mins and carried a nagon in each pocket. I don't miss a thing. And for you I think it will get better when you come to a similar conclusion about that former life. Without being filled up with drink you're now empty. Just wait. You'll eventually fill it back up with Love Happiness and Life.

Keep doing what youre doing. Theres some part of you thats guided you so far so keep listening to that part of you. I mean that part of you led you to giving up alcohol in the first place so its making some good decisions on your behalf.

QFT. you are your own Higher Power.

waitinforatrain

I think many people can say that they've used some substance to cope with a difficulty, if it's food/drink/drugs. I have been fighting compulsive overeating (eating to the point of throwing up) for a long time, and while this doesn't compare at all to alcoholism, I still may have a few bits of wisdom to impart.

I discovered that I used these things to not have to deal with my life. I believe that it is human nature to take the path of least pain, and sometimes that path is a path of denial. I know the feeling of not being able to stop, because once you stop eating (or sober up in your case), and you don't have that stimulus to keep you busy, you have to go back to dealing with whatever feelings or life awaits you.

Maybe it's the same for you, maybe not. If this describes the way you feel I recommend The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.

I spent most of my life walking around 24-7 in this state of compulsion. I only have one foot out the door, but what saved me (and still is) is meditation. It's strange, but when you sit and observe your thoughts and feelings for a while the unwanted ones tend to dissolve.

You can always change your life, and can always change your mindset. If you want more info on meditation feel free to PM me (that goes for any other interested reader).

LegacyUser

In giving we receive.

Try and help people out... charity work... read online groups, and help people out here...

A lot of people in this world (Including me) are too self-centered in looking for happiness, not they are realising their true nature is actually occupies as a humanitarian -- in giving to others, we feel a joy unlike any other. I am still exploring this, and waiting for opportunities to do this myself.

Liam Byrne

I can't claim to be much of an expert on this, OP, but when I saw your thread title one thing struck me......."the emptiness" has nothing to do with alcohol, whether you're on it or off it.

We all feel emptiness at times, but the trick is to fill it with fun things, be it family, friends, activity, even ourselves and our own interests.

Well done on staying off it this long, and remember that - like I said - the emptiness is not directly related to it AT ALL, and if you go back on it you might temporarily mask that emptiness again, but you'll also feel worse because you've let yourself down after succeeding in the first - and biggest - hurdle.

Hope this is of some help, and best of luck!