Still not over him, 3 years later

LegacyUser

I really need help/advice on this as I'm at my wits end. A few years ago I had a relationship with a man that I feel deeply in love with, and he with me. I'm not proud of it at all, but he was unhappily married and still is (please don't give me a hard time over this, I've already spent years doing that to myself). I consider him to be the love of my life and haven't really had a relationship with anyone else since we broke up almost 3 years ago.

The problem is that I can't get over him. I've tried everything, including counselling (which I still go to), minimising contact- I very rarely see him these days and we're not really in touch, apart from the odd text which he always initiates. Cutting him out of my life completely is not really an option as it would raise questions with people we both know and probably make things even more awkward than they are.

It was my decision to end the relationship as ultimately it was making me extremely unhappy, but I've never stopped loving him. I deal with it 90% of the time, and even feel like I've made real progress, especially with my counsellor, and I agree with a lot of what she says about him, ie that he's selfish in that feels the need to constantly try to 'hook me back in' by sending somewhat suggestive texts - not sexually, but ones that suggest that he misses me, still thinks about me a lot and possibly still loves me, which really don't allow me to fully move on. I reply to his texts when he sends them, but I don't encourage him in any way because I don't want to get sucked back into that unhappy cycle.

When we broke up he really wanted to stay friends and I wanted to keep him in my life as a friend, so we tried that for a while, but I've come to terms (after a long, emotional period of time) with the fact that it's not possible as long as I have feelings for him. However there's always the temptation to peek at his Facebook (which I've only started doing again recently, after banning myself for ages) and there have been occasions in the past where he's been blatantly flirting with other woman (and they him - he's a very good looking guy) and it makes me sick to my stomach. I actually get mild panic attacks when I see comments that would probably be perceived as harmless flirting by anyone else, but my mind starts working overtime and I start imagining all of these scenarios, that he's having affairs with other women or even that he's just attracted to other women. I know it's hugely hypocritical of me to think in such a way, but I can't help it. The paranoia is awful. I can't take it and have had a few minor depressive breakdowns over it. As I said, I'm not proud of our affair, I carry a huge amount of guilt around with me for it, and feel sorry for his wife at this stage.

I don't know why my mind is doing this, I know the relationship is over and I desperately want to move on and meet someone new, but it's almost like there's a tiny part of me that just refuses to let go of him and somewhere in the back of my mind there's the thought that it will all work out eventually and I'll get to be with the love of my life again, even though I know the likelihood of that happening is pretty much zero.

I just want to get rid of this heartache once and for all. It seems like the last 3 years have just been a waste of time mourning this relationship, but I know deep down that I still very much love him and probably always will, which makes me think I'm never going to get over him. Any advice would be appreciated.

opinion guy

hi heartbreak101

I tihnk you might find it useful to read this thread. its by a man who was dumped by his mistress. i tihnk it might help you to see the perspective of a guy like this, and you will see how pathetic, selfish and infantile men like this are. Hopefully seeing the selfinvolved mentality of this "man", his responses throughout the thread display this and are worth reading for you, it will help you realise that you yourself deserve someone better than a man cheating on his wife and family.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055725110

LegacyUser

Thanks a lot for the reply, opinion guy. I did read the thread and understand completely where everyone is coming from with that guy. It sounds like such a cliche to say this, but my relationship was different (doesn't everyone think that). It wasn't based on sex - there was a sexual element to it of course, but we started off as really good friends, I fell for him and then he for me. We were genuinely in love and he confided in me about a lot of things that he'd never told anyone before, not even his wife. I feel that my ex is being selfish in a different way, it's like he's keeping me on a thread and reeling me back in when he needs self-validation of some sort, which I'm fully aware of, but my heart still skips a beat if I see him/get a text from him. I'm really annoyed with myself for letting him have that control over my emotions, even three years on.

As I said I'm not looking for pity or sympathy, I know affairs are really awful and I never, ever had the intention to hurt anyone - it just happened. I'd never get involved with a married man again, it's not worth the heartbreak.

G-Money

Do you think it's possible the reason you are not over him is that in a way, you are punishing yourself for doing something you knew was wrong?

That could be just a pie in the sky theory, but it was something that occurred to me when I was reading your post.

LegacyUser

Hi grandmaster, thanks for replying.

That's something that my counsellor has actually brought up in the past, but I don't know how much it has to do with me not moving on. I definitely feel guilty as I know it was wrong and hypocritically, I would die if anyone I was in love with did the same thing to me. There was a point where I thought the fact that I'm not meeting anyone new was down to the karma of having an affair, but I think I've come to terms with the fact that it just happened, I could not stop myself falling in love with him and have just chalked it up to a lesson learned (the hard way) that I won't be repeating ever again.

The strangest thing about the whole thing is that I feel more jealous of the other women he may/may not be seeing than I do about his wife. It's messed up. I think over the course of the relationship, I had come to terms with the fact that he had fallen out of love with his wife, and I didn't see her as a 'threat', in a way. Now there seems to be 'threats' all over the place and that's what I'm finding it hard to deal with - that he doesn't love me anymore, and is thinking of other women in the way that he once thought of me.

It actually kind of helps just typing this stuff out, so thanks for indulging me!

LegacyUser

hi OP

My heart goes out to you. I know how you must be feeling rite now I know it is an awful place to be. My relationship with a married man ended 5 yrs ago and it is only in the last year that I have really moved on. Unless you have experienced this I don't think anyone can really understand the terrible pain involved. I had the panic attacks ,the incredible jealousy when I would know he was flirting with other woman. Like you that was more painful than him being with his wife cause I knew he didn't really love her properly as mad as that sounds. I too went for counseling and it was the best thing i ever did. I am a totally different woman now to the woman that met him all those years ago. Hang in there! Work hard on changing your life for the better. do all the things you've ever wanted to do but was afraid to do. Live your life and things will get better. They have for me and I never thought they would. I thought about suicide after it ended the pain was so bad so I think I do understand how you must be feeling but things will get better. Keep seeing the counseler and you will be in my thoughts x x x

Boskowski

How come everybody here is so obsessed with the notion that all people - especially men - who are married or otherwise attached and have a change of heart or go through funny phases in their (love)lives are automatically complete and utter pigs?

How is it helpful to suggest to the OP she should convince herself that her man in question is a complete and utter pig as a matter of principal - as they all are apparently?

You guys know nothing about the man and you know nothing about the relationship they had. She's looking for advice on a complete different aspect of it. On the fact that the love of her life is not to be had anymore or never really was. But immediately the 'red pig-cheater flag' is raised. Annoys the hell out of me. People change over time and people are humans with all their shortcomings and failures and the fact they're married or whatever does not change them into superhumans or something like that. People can fail you know and it doesn't automatically make them a pig.

And for the record I'm not speaking from my own experience.

My suggestion to the OP is a simple one. Go out and live. I spent a couple of years like this myself but I learned after that it didn't have to be this long. I let that happen by dwelling on it and feeling sorry for myself rather than going out and living my life with new, different people. This may not immediately lead to something that appears to be a feeling as strong as you had but eventually it will and in the meantime it will be distraction and put things into perspective.

liah

realcam wrote: »

How come everybody here is so obsessed with the notion that all people - especially men - who are married or otherwise attached and have a change of heart or go through funny phases in their (love)lives are automatically complete and utter pigs?

How is it helpful to suggest to the OP she should convince herself that her man in question is a complete and utter pig as a matter of principal - as they all are apparently?

You guys know nothing about the man and you know nothing about the relationship they had. She's looking for advice on a complete different aspect of it. On the fact that the love of her life is not to be had anymore or never really was. But immediately the 'red pig-cheater flag' is raised. Annoys the hell out of me. People change over time and people are humans with all their shortcomings and failures and the fact they're married or whatever does not change them into superhumans or something like that. People can fail you know and it doesn't automatically make them a pig.

And for the record I'm not speaking from my own experience.

My suggestion to the OP is a simple one. Go out and live. I spent a couple of years like this myself but I learned after that it didn't have to be this long. I let that happen by dwelling on it and feeling sorry for myself rather than going out and living my life with new, different people. This may not immediately lead to something that appears to be a feeling as strong as you had but eventually it will and in the meantime it will be distraction and put things into perspective.

Because sometimes it helps to dehumanize them to help yourself move on. Which do you think is harder: moving on from a total bastard, or moving on from a loving sweetheart?

Yeah, it may not be true, but it doesn't really have to be. And in fairness, the guy certainly isn't a saint anyway.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for your replies, especially guest 2009. Yes, I think it is something you have to go through to realise the pain - instead of it ending like a normal relationship, you never really get a sense of closure in one respect because you can't talk it out with anyone, you can't have girly nights in with your friends to feel better, you can't cry on anyone's shoulder. You have to keep it all in, unless you see a counsellor. But as I said, it's not sympathy I'm looking for, just advice, and your reply gave me at least some semblance of hope. Thank you. x

I will continue to see the counsellor, but at this stage it feels like I'm talking in circles and have less and less to say every time. I'm almost sick of talking about him, and while the feelings might not be as strong as they were initially and I can see her point of view (I was adamantly against the fact that he was in any way selfish to begin with), the reality is that he is still affecting my day-to-day life when things like this happen. I've re-banned myself from his Facebook, anyway.