Friends sexual abuse issue

troubleshooter

My friend was sexually abused by her father from 7-17, she left home and never saw her parents till she was 35 in 2005 at her brothers funeral, she confronted her parents in private, her father refused to apologise or even acknowledge his wrongdoing, her mother who she says is weak and turned a blind eye just said nothing.

She says shes forgiven them, its seriously has screwed her life up, she wants to connect with them again cause she has two sons and wants them to have grandparents. But she says because her father refuses to accept his past hes still in the same pattern.

What would you advise, her life has been one of destrctive relationships, it really has had a negatitive impact on her life and I know it still really hurts her.

Voltex

tbh..it sounds like her parents are a) not remorseful what she went through and b) not even aknowledging the original abuse.

Your friend has an obligation to protect her kids from all types of harm...and from the sounds of it her parents are a potential source of harm...untill theres a dramatic shift in their opinion and face the letter of law they can have no part in the childrens lives...this is so important!

troubleshooter

Voltex wrote: »

tbh..it sounds like her parents are a) not remorseful what she went through and b) not even aknowledging the original abuse.

Your friend has an obligation to protect her kids from all types of harm...and from the sounds of it her parents are a potential source of harm...untill theres a dramatic shift in their opinion and face the letter of law they can have no part in the childrens lives...this is so important!

I hear what your saying but Theyre now teenage boys and he never abused her brother, I get the impression her wanting to connect is driven by being lonely. Her parents refuse to even acknowledge the past.

She vists them but never stays, they want her to stay with them when shes on holiday. In every other way they were normal, fed her and clothed her and educated her well, in someways the fact they were nice in every other way has screwed her up even more.

Voltex

troubleshooter wrote: »

I hear what your saying but Theyre now teenage boys and he never abused her brother, I get the impression her wanting to connect is driven by being lonely. Her parents refuse to even acknowledge the past.

She vists them but never stays, they want her to stay with them when shes on holiday. In every other way they were normal, fed her and clothed her and educated her well, in someways the fact they were nice in every other way has screwed her up even more.

It sounds like the family are trying to avoid the elephant in the room....as far as considering the kids safety..I certainly wouldnt leave anything to chance.

takola

If it was my friend I would be encouraging her to keep her kids away from them at all costs. Regardless of the fact that they're teenagers or that her father never abused her brother. When it comes to your children you should never take that chance. Imagine how she would feel if her son told her in 10 years time that his grandfather had abused him? How could she trust him in any way with her sons when he hurt her so badly and now won't even acknowledge it.

I can imagine how painful this must be for her. She wants to have a relationship with her parents. But that can't (and shouldn't) happen until he has acknowledged what he did and the effect that it had on her. Until her mother has apologised for knowing and not stopping it. Or for not knowing and not believing it for all these years. And that seems highly unlikely to happen. I doubt that happens to many people who have been abused.

What advice would I give her?

I would advise her to see a counsellor if she isn't already seeing one. To work through what happened with her father. To reaffirm to herself (because having someone deny doing something to you for years could very easily have you wondering if it was all in your head) that it really did happen. She's lived without her parents for years. She doesn't need them. She might want them in her life but is it worth it? I can imagine that it must be hard for her to be around him in particular knowing what he did. I can only imagine how exhausting it must be to try and trust him again while secretly looking over her shoulder just in case. The thought of it honestly makes my skin crawl. Do they deserve to have her in their lives if they won't acknowledge that they've hurt her?

And when it comes to her wanting her children to have grandparents, I couldn't support that. I don't have children myself. If I do have children at some point in the future, they won't have grandparents. At least not ones that they'll know. So I can understand her wanting that for them. But that's not a risk I think she should take. Her children could be hurt. It's up to her to ensure that they're safe. She has told you that her mother is weak and turned a blind eye. She needs to be stronger than that. He never abused her brother. But what if someday one of her boys have a little girl who's at risk?

No. Even with him admitting and apologising, I could never ever give back that trust. And I would never put my children at risk. It's too dangerous.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Im in exactly the same situation, both my parents abused me, my father sexually and my mother physically, i have been on my own for the last 10 years, I know the impact this has had on your friend and how deep rooted it can be, but you can heal from your past if you work through it in therapy and resolve your truth in yourself well thats what i have done anyway.

I did the same thing as your friend and thought because i was older that i would put out an olive branch to my parents but it never worked out, they never changed or cared to and i eventually had to accept that, i also had to accept that my future children would have no grandparents or aunts or uncles, my family toxic and there was just no love there, chasing it was pointless in the end and it was so hard to come to terms with its like a death because you have to mourn the loss of what it could have been.

I dont think your friend should pursue a relationship with her parents after how they have treated her, they dont seem to have anything to give her, it could end up being a series of rejections and i know it can just hurt more and more especially if she reaches her sons out to them and they reject them too, it is terrible for your self esteem to continue to accept that you can make it better with parents like this, i really feel she would be alot happier if she accepted that they are not going to change and continue to be happy with her own family.

I know what it is like i have spent every christmas with someone else besides my family, i thought i was so lonely at one stage but as the years went on and the work i was doing on myself started to kick in i realized that i could have a really good life, now i dont feel lonely but i am alone at times, you have to commit to healing yourself from the pain of the past but if you let it define you then it always will,

Now i feel that my parents did the best they could with what they knew which was obviously not a lot! but il be damned if they are going to control the rest of my life.

I think your friend needs to set herself free from any guilt or shame she has and she might find some peace in herself.

there is a great book called TOXIC PARENTS by SUSAN FOREWARD, i think your friend would get a lot out of it, the book goes through different parent types and helps identify the ones that can be persued and the ones you sadly have to walk away from.