hopeless with men

LegacyUser

here we go another post about being lonely and hopeless with men etc but its really getting to me!

im 25 yr old female and ever since i shot down the first boy who has ever asked me out (in primary school, bless him...he asked me out to dinner aged 11..said his mum would bring us), i have been competely hopeless when it comes to men! I have had my fair share of kisses(night club hook ups), have had a few dates over the years (again from night club meetings), and a one or two mentionable flings but have yet to be in a relationship that
lasts longer than a few months.

I think the problem lies in the fact that I can never let myself believe that the guy im seeing actually IS genuinely interested in me or finds me attractive. I always feel that anyone i meet is only using me to get closer to my friends (past experiences) or just using me for sex until they find someone better (again borne out of a past experience). I just find it hard to trust any guy that comes my way.

I hate to tar all men with the same brush and I know there's a lot of good 'uns to rival the mean ones but I just dont know how to let myself build up my confidence in the dating game.
I know my insecurities when it comes to my appearance and my body makes me back away from a relationship when things start to get intimate, meaning I push myself into the 'friend' zone again and again. I dont know how to stop myself from doing that.
I feel so envious when I see my friends in their loving relationships. My single friends are never short of admirers; our male friends are practically falling over themselves to get to the girls.
I end up feeling like the invisible girl more and more these days. I enjoy being single and i have a great group of friends that i socialise with regularly but as they are all beginning to settle into serious relationships, Im beginning to feel like the Bridget Jones of the group.

Im not desperately looking to hook up with everyone I meet but i cant help feeling lonely, unattractive and that i am never going to meet someone and fall in love. And I know that im the one thats holding me back but i dont know how to change that.

Any advice would be appreciated. thanks

minidazzler

OP, first off, you really have to deal with your own insecurities.

Find things you like about yourself.

Sit down and list 10 things you like about your personality.

Then (What I did) stand in front of a mirror nude, look at yourself. What DO you like?

Don't look and find something you do not like about yourself.

Attack it with a positive attitude. Do you like your hair, boobs, ANYTHING. Find something.

I am telling you to do this so you realise, YOU ARE good enough.

It is possible and in fact probable guys find you attractive, but your own negative emotions towards yourself can make guys uneasy.

After you realise you are good enough you have to realise something else.

All Men are NOT Dogs, we are'nt all just out for a ride, or looking to score with your friends. Chances are if I am chatting you up with any effort, I am attracted to you. I would say the same for most men.


Next.

Night Clubs suck, they really do. A bunch of horny sweating people grinding eachother in the hopes of finding someone to score.

Try different approaches to meeting guys?

Online? Clubs? Anything but a night club really.


I hope this helps.

G-Money

I'm in a similar boat OP, except that I'm male. I'm lacking confidence, all my friends are settling down, getting married, having babies and at the ripe old age of 32, I've never had a relationship, or much else either.

I'm not sure what to advise you as I'm still trying to sort my own head out. I know I have low self esteem and lack confidence. I think I've narrowed the cause of both of these things down so I'm sort of trying to fix those issues. Well one of them anyway (my weight). The other reason I don't really want to go into here. It's not bad like I was abused or anything, far from it. But I just think it has inadvertently affected me and I can't go back in time and change it. I also was the odd one out at school and I'm not looking for the sympathy vote here, but I actually always was the last one to be picked for sports and stuff. I also think that may have contributed to things.

Anyway I know this isn't much help, but I just thought you might not feel as bad if you knew there were others in the same boat.

Feel free to pm me if you like.

MD!

Hi OP in a very similar boat myslef and it amazes me that there are so many on these boards who feel the same way! everyone thinks that everyone else has this sex/relationship thing sorted. i woulnt rule out nightclubs as a way of meeting people and i hate the theory that some wonderful man is going to ask you out in the supermarket-this is not sex and the city. most single people hang out in pubs/night clubs and it is a numbers game.

CDfm

Minidazzler talks all sense.

Coming up to Xmas there are going to be a few Boards get together- so at least if you do go you might have something in common with the people there.

LegacyUser

thanks very much for the advice and comments, esp you Minidazzler, you have a wise old head on your shoulders!
It also is comforting to know that other people are in the same boat, i see there is another very similar thread by lovelesswithmen about confidence..and all the comments there are helpful too!

I know night clubs are not always the best place to go looking for men, I have tried classes and activities etc with the hope that i might meet someone but nothin ever comes of it! I always thought id meet someone through friends or friends of friends etc but again, nada!

Im aware im being self-defeating with my actions and attitude but the older i get, the more im shying away from 'putting myself out there' as the rejection just hurts more and more. And its not even rejection thats the problem, its just the complete lack of interest in me just confirms my negative feelings towards myself.

I have asked friends to be my wing woman when we're out or to set me up with any potential men but they dont seem to have any interest in doing either...prob cos they know im just gonna muck it up if they do set me up!

I really have to do something about it as its really getting me down now...which only makes matters worse! so minidazzler i am going to take your advice and put it into practice, no better than a cold, lazy sat afternoon to do so!

cheers everyone!

G-Money

CDfm wrote: »

Coming up to Xmas there are going to be a few Boards get together

To quote my english teacher from secondary school.... "who, why, what, where, when, how?"

CDfm

grandmaster wrote: »

To quote my english teacher from secondary school.... "who, why, what, where, when, how?"

PM the mods and ask them;)

I think the After Hours mob do some or you could post on the Gentlemans Club asking if peeps wanted to meet up.

No time like the present

Eve_Dublin

uselesswithmen wrote: »

I end up feeling like the invisible girl more and more these days. I enjoy being single and i have a great group of friends that i socialise with regularly but as they are all beginning to settle into serious relationships, Im beginning to feel like the Bridget Jones of the group.

Don´t want to patronise but don´t compare yourself to the character from the Bridget Jones film at 25!! Jesus girl, even SHE found love... you´re young, free and single and you´ve everything going for you. Just try and enjoy yourself and whatever you do, don´t box yourself off into the "Aging spinster" category or it´ll become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you´re friends are hooking up with fellas, then it´s time to meet some new single friends, MALE AND FEMALE. If you change your mindset about being single to something positive, it will happen for you when you least expect it.

CDfm

It was Cyril Cusack the character actor, sometime philosopher and founder of the Cusack acting Dynasty who said "shyness is the illness of youth".

So if you are letting your shyness hold you back -thats stupid. Why not just try some things - like telling people how nice the look or asking them about there day and letting them tell you or if someone needs a hand offer because its part of social interaction. People love compliments and are very interested in people who are interested in them.

The only way to overcome your shyness is one step at a time and practice.

Eve_Dublin

CDfm wrote: »

It was Cyril Cusack the character actor, sometime philosopher and founder of the Cusack acting Dynasty who said "shyness is the illness of youth".

So if you are letting your shyness hold you back -thats stupid. Why not just try some things - like telling people how nice the look or asking them about there day and letting them tell you or if someone needs a hand offer because its part of social interaction. People love compliments and are very interested in people who are interested in them.

The only way to overcome your shyness is one step at a time and practice.

Shyness is the illness of youth exclusively? Do you think we become better at this stuff as we get older? I think I was better at it 5 years ago...now men think I want to nab them for breeding.

CDfm

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Shyness is the illness of youth exclusively? Do you think we become better at this stuff as we get older? I think I was better at it 5 years ago...now men think I want to nab them for breeding.

LOL;)

Have the guys rumbled ya?

I think we become better at it because we are less self conscious and sensitive.

We should make the best of what we have.

That means things like dressing up too and not being afraid to be stylish or quirky.

Karmafaerie

To be honest I've never really had a problem with getting into relationships.
I'm as insecure as the next person, and as a teen was criplingly shy, but through putting myself out ther, I got over it.
While far from comfortable with myself, I've learned that all it takes is a small leap of faith, and it can pay off dividends.

However, there is a reason that I have a stake here.
I recently started seeing a girl, and I'm noticing a lot of similarities between her, and you OP.
She's also mentioned how she finds it very hard to accept relationships, or that someone else could like her etc.
She's fairly outgoing, but at the same time, not acustomed to intamacy.
I'm in a situation at the moment that probably mirrors a lot of the men that you've been with in the past.
I'm open to a relationship, but I find that due to her insecurities, she's closing herself off a bit.
All I can do is hang back and give her time, which I've no problem in doing.

As I said however, you're going to have to take a chance sometimes.
If you don't risk being hurt, you're never gonna get anywhere.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I by no means want to hijack your thread, but I'm the lovelesswithmen hopeless case (!!) from the other thread and just want to say, I completely, completely identify with everything you've said. Especially this part:

uselesswithmen wrote: »

. And its not even rejection thats the problem, its just the complete lack of interest in me just confirms my negative feelings towards myself.
QUOTE]

This for me is the crux of the issue and I'm beginning to see it as a chicken-and-egg scenario...does the lack of interest result in my negative attitude towards myself and inability to see myself as attractive, or does the negative attitude result in the lack of interest??
I really don't know. All I know is that if I was getting the interest and attention that many of my single friends get, it'd be a massive and well-needed confidence boost...but then I don't want to be reliant on this type of attention for my self confidence, so my only alternative is to learn how to be confident and happy without relying on the opposite sex for a while.
That's where minidazzler's advice comes in, and personally, although that's a fantastic place to start, I believe it's a longer and far more complex process. What's helping me at the moment is the gym, eating healthily and taking care of my physical appearance. Hopefully in time the confidence will increase.
The only thing I can suggest is to find something you are passionate about, or even just something you like to do that challenges you, and develop it. Something that is your own.

And as an aside, a few years back I came back from a J1 trip a whole lot skinnier, with a great tan, new clothes etc etc and the 'interest' increased tenfold. I got stared at, hit on and all the rest, and rather than it being this magic wand of confidence for me, it made me even more insecure about myself. This just reinforces my idea that it has to come from within.

Best of luck OP and know that you are certainly not alone...I am struggling along side you, but we'll get there in the end! x