Is it love?

LegacyUser

This might be a silly question, but how do you know if you love someone or if they are 'the one'? I've been with my boyfriend almost a year (unfortunately long distance but we visit and talk a LOT) and he seems to be absolutely sure I'm the girl he wants to marry. I'm 24, he's 26. He's had about 10 girlfriends, a few of them serious long termers, he's sown his wild oats and now he's ready to settle down. I have only had one serious relationship, which ended really badly after I found out he had cheated on me. We got together soon after the end of that, we were good friends and there was always a spark there, I felt a very strong attraction but didn't act on it until I was single. That spark is still there a year on, we get on amazingly and care for each other a lot, but how do I know if this is true love or if he's the one? Sometimes I feel that I love him so much and I don't ever want to be without him, and other times I feel like we don't have much in common, he's done a load of drugs etc and stuff I've never been into. I'm an indecisive person about everything and relationships are no different. But how do I know???

LegacyUser

Has anyone any advice about this? it would be appreciated!

John Mason

if you have to ask strangers on the internet - you are not in love

Wibbs

Yea well that's helpful:rolleyes:

Love is a small word for a pretty big concept. People's responses can vary a lot, as can their expectations of what "love" is.

Shoot me down in flames here, but my take is that your confusion is coming from two angles here, though stemming from the same source. The first is "is this it? Have I got it right, or should I have more practice with love with other men before I figure out what it is?" and secondly his past and the fact that he has done what you feel maybe you may miss out on. He's had the string of relationships, the wild years(drugs etc) and now wants to put that behind him and settle down. There's a disparity there between you.

FWIW the way you describe how you feel about him certainly has the ring of love to it. It would be the above stuff, IE if you think you're ready for love with him.

opinion guy

Hmmmm.

To be honest here the thing that jumps out to me in your original post is the fact that this is a long distance relationship. how long distance are we talking? How often do you see each other ?Personally I'm extremely skeptical about LDR's. Mainly becuase the dynamic between ye becomes quite artifical after a time. you avoid arguments and such due to the distance that you might have had if it weren't a LDR. Althought irs hard not seeing the person, it becomes easy in some ways to have the relationship. you are reltaively independent, you don't have to deal with day to day problems and each other foibles. you can end up with an idealised image of the person. Problems start then if/when people move to be with each other and discover the reality is different to the long distance fantasy.

Bearing all that in mind, perhaps this is part of the reason you are having doubts. IMHO if you are only going out a year and its been a year of long distance then this talk of marriage etc is WAY premature. you need to get to know each other on a day to day basis to see if things work that way first.

As regards your relative differences of experience etc, I tend to think thats a relatively hmmm how do i put it...cerebral problem. You have your doubts about things, naturally since given the distance there's alot you don't yet know about each other. IMHO if you knew him on a daily basis you woulnd't have to wonder about that stuff because it would become obvious whether ye were compatible or not. So far as I can see the real problem is the distance.


anyhow thats my 2 cents for what its worth. As i said I am a cynic about long distance relationships so maybe I'm biased. but thats what i think

Nervous Wreck

I've always been of the opinion that if it was love, you'd know. Just know, deep down. Though I still believe that, I've come to learn that, in a relationship, there can exist either of 2 types of love, which I call Perfect and Imperfect.

Perfect love, in my summation, is that kinda love that you get when it takes you over temporarily and you know that (even if everything isn't gonna work out into a happily ever after) it's the most important thing in your world. I reckon the lucky people have a couple shots at perfect love. First love is perfect and, hopefully, so is the last. Some ultra-lucky people have one perfect love that holds. Dunno if many of them exist though. Ha.


Imperfect Love is the more rational sort though. I had imperfect love recently. Wasn't my cuppa tea really but I'm glad I got to experience it cos I feel a bit more normal now. Imperfect love, for me, was being in love but knowing that it wasn't going to be forever. Knowing that this person didn't define me or consume me and that, though I did love her, my world didn't revolve around her or the feelings I had for her. It may sound boring but that's just because it's not dramatic. It's probably a lot healthier than what I, perhaps naively, call 'perfect love'.

I hope one day to find the median, I'm sure it exists.



Anyway OP, I'd say my version of 'imperfect love' is what you're closer to on the scale. It's not a bad thing by any means and I'm sure it can easily grow into something more; perhaps even the mysterious 3rd kind that has, thus far, eluded me.

I'm probably babbling though. Strange theories, have I.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Wibbs, yes it feels that there is a disparity. To put it childishly (which maybe it is), it feels like it's 'not fair'. He's had his fun, his times of sleeping around and going out and getting off his t*ts and now he wants to settle down. I wouldn't be a big partyer myself but I do feel I've sort of missed out by being so conservative. If I was with someone who'd also been that conservative, it would feel more equal I think.

opinion guy, it is very long distance. I do agree with your points, indeed that was the image of long distance relationships I had before I got into one. I thought long and hard about it. While it is long distance, we were together every day for 4 months before he left, and I've visited twice for an entire month at a time, so I feel like we have had the every day experiences. We do argue via Skype as well, about the same amount as we do in person (which isn't much). All our arguments relate to me being insecure about his past, and things like that. We don't actually rub each other the wrong way as people, we're very alike and we understand each other very well, it feels way more comfortable than when I was with my ex, even though I saw him every day.