10th Year Fear

LegacyUser

Long time user of boards but going anomynous for this one.

Been with my girlfriend for 10 years. Had some problems through the relationship but it's been good. Up until recently i really thought we were mean't to be, marriage/kids etc. However, suddenly i've been getting really anxious about where i'm heading. I still really enjoy spending time with her but i'm doubting my feelings. I never thought too much about it until about 3 weeks ago when it manifested when i kissed another girl. It happened at a friend's party and it was totally out of the blue for me. I know that sounds straight but it just happened. I felt really attracted to this girl. I also know that i would have met the other girl again if possible but she only wants to meet if I'm single (she knew i was in a relationship and she also made the first move).

Now, i'm really scared about the future. I thought i wanted to marry my girlfriend but surely i wouldn't do this to someone i love. Is this just the LTR boredom and i should move on or should i break-up before i waste anymore of her time or mine.

The idea of breaking up scares me to death. I don't want to be the guy that dumped the girl he loves and regrets it for the rest of his life. All my friends are in LTR and are at the point of marriage. I want a family and kids and i've put 10 years into this relationship, i don't want to give it up over a whim. I know i could just forget about it, get married and have a decent life but there might also be someone more suited to me out there. I just don't know.

Be brutally honest if you think I'm a bad person but I really need advice and not a telling-off.

Beruthiel

First off, never heard of the 10 year itch.
However I have heard of the 7 year itch, which you would appear to have gotten over.

10YearStitch wrote: »

I felt really attracted to this girl. I also know that i would have met the other girl again if possible but she only wants to meet if I'm single

Anything new is a novelty until the shine wears off.

LTR don't just happen you know. You need to put effort into them. Now you clearly care for your g/f to be with her for 10 years.
Bar this 'Shiney' distraction, what has changed there?
If all your relationship needs is a bit of attention to get it back on track, don't you think you would be better doing that instead of looking at the greener hills over there.

Oh The Humanity

There's always this idea bandied about that if you truly loved someone you'd never cheat on them -I disagree. Cheating is like murder, all you need is means and method, doesn't always have to be a reason.
I've cheated on someone I loved in the past for no other reason just because there was opportunity to do it without getting caught. So it was just extra cheese and nothing more. Dont do it any more but just giving an example.

I think this is something the same. In nature people meet, have the honeymoon phase which seems to last a year 18 months by which time nature feels its given you ample time with the honeymoon hormones to trick a pregnancy out of the couple and then those honeymoon hormones can be turned into Oxy...whatever...the comforting one....So we are naturally programmed to bond in 2 years approximately.

Nowadays we have contraception so we can prolong the honeymoon phase indefinitely but this is unnatural. People can't feel like that for 10 years. Now dont get me wrong. Ive done it, we've all done it but Im just saying its not sustainable without either party going sniffing for fresh pu$$y/c0ck not to put too fine a point on it.

I think perhaps the relationship has been allowed stagnante at a particular point instead of moving forward in some sort of natural timeframe and this little accident has happened.

If you feel all you say about your girlfriend I would suggest digging very deep and making a decision. You seem to be stuck in that eternal 'what if-ness' that seems to go hand in hand with these eternal engagements or 10 year courtships. You should know by now and if you dont know then you need to sh1t or get off the pot.

LegacyUser

Hi

I have been the girl in this relationship, although for 7 years.

We spend 6 fantastic years of fun, laughter, and fun together. Then after 4 years traveling, it was time to settle down and organise a wedding, but things didn't seem as they were years ago.

We both found it really hard to settle, and get back in touch with family, friends etc. You can imagine how this 'puts you in bad form' from time to time. We were both down in the dumps. Thinking negatively about the relationship, and feeling unhappy led him to the conclusion that he didn't love me. How could he love me if he was thinking he wanted to spend more time with friends etc etc.

He broke up with me and told me he didn't love me. That was 1.5 years ago now.

Perhaps he didn't love me. But he came back to me 6 months later regretting everything. Saying that pushing me away was the only way we could have fixed things blah blah blah.

I still love him, and always will. But.... I deserve more than someone that would doubt if they love me or not.

Be careful what your decision is. I am sure me ex will have regrets. But he will have to live with them now, and I don't know if that is easy or not.

If you love her, I say stick it out. Talk to her about your relationship maybe. Feel the air out and see how she is? Has she changed her moods lately etc? Has anything changed that could be making you feel trapped, or bored?

It's not easy throwing away a quarter of your life. Those memories now never get talked about.

Don't wait until she's gone to realise that she was the best thing to ever happen to you.

Good luck..

neuro-praxis

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

I've cheated on someone I loved in the past for no other reason just because there was opportunity to do it without getting caught. So it was just extra cheese and nothing more. Dont do it any more but just giving an example.

Mature love is not feelings; it's actions. Your actions demonstrated that your desires meant more to you than your girlfriend at the time.

Having said that, a mistake like the OP's is not the end of the world, but it does demonstrate where his values are at. The fact that the OP was also prepared to meet up with this girl says, again, that he cares more for his own desires than for the woman he says he loves.

OP, I suggest allowing yourself to feel your current frustrations and anxieties without beating yourself with a stick. Breaking up with this woman will put you on the road to looking for, ultimately, another long term relationship.

I would suggest talking to your girlfriend and confessing the kiss. If I was her I'd be hurt but I'd get over it. Then put everything you've got into making a go of this relationship. If you've tried everything and you still don't want to be with her anymore, then move on and give her the opportunity to find a long-term partner who will respect and care for her actively.

Oh The Humanity

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Mature love is not feelings; it's actions. Your actions demonstrated that your desires meant more to you than your girlfriend at the time.

No I disagree, (boyfriend btw I am a woman not a man) you can love someone and still cheat is all I am saying.

But I agree with the rest of your post.

CDfm

10yearstitch. It sounds like you have a nice relationship. After a year with my G/F I'm enjoying the calmness and its delicious.

In the context -when you started going out Pat Kennyhad started on the Late Late and U2 had given Gaybo a send off. So you have matured a bit and so has your lifestyle.

My guess is that you are scared of the future and maybe are looking for the passion and as others are implying you have some responsibility to inject the passion to.To you that means marriage.

Now Im putting a link here on a questionaire -the Bould Mary Cleary put together for one of her publications and its a Due Dilegence Checklist. Don't be put of because its really about planning house kids and stuff and theres lots of stuff doesnt apply to you


http://www.thatbitchbook.com/due_diligence.html

The reason I am posting it is for you to look at yourself and see how prepared you are yourself if you got married and how would it fit your lifestyle. Also on the agenda is do you know what she wants and do you know.I wouldnt look at this as a couple as this is your issue. Once you understand what you want you may be able to look at what she wants and see if you guys are sound.

So you need to look at your wants and needs and hopefully this will allow you to focus on them.

A friend of mine split with his girlfriend of 10 years and she married and has kids. I met her during the summer and she was very happy while last time I met him he had a moan about life.Also, its christmas and there is a recession so lots of people get broody this time of year.

iguana

The thing is OP I don't think there is any "one perfect person" out there for us. But there are hundreds, maybe thousands, of people we can truly love and have a great life with. There are also thousands and thousands of people you will be attracted to and click with, but who you will not be able to build a life with.

Your girlfriend is one of the former, someone you have the potential to have a great life with. The girl you met the other night could be too, or she could be one of the latter. Does it matter? If you truly love your girlfriend that should be enough.

cupcakes_mcgee

Ok so this is not the first time someone has done this in a relationship and it won't be the last. Seeing that you don't want to break up you probably should stop freaking out about it or your gf will notice something is up.
What really got to me about your post is how you talk about your gf. She seems to be there just so you can be "normal" by getting married and having children. You just mention how you have put 10 years of your life into the relationship but forget that she has done the same.
You probably should tell her, unless you are able to get it back on track with it hanging over your head. Try and rekindle what you had previous to this episode, do things that you both enjoy and just have fun.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I think I need a little more time to really take them in but I just wanted to say that what scares me most is that:

1. I am really attracted to this other girl. At this moment in time I feel more attracted to this random girl than to my partner.

2. That i am/was willing to meet her again. That's selfish but true.

3. If more than a kiss was going to happen at the party then I would have let it happen (that's mean, even I know that)

There also may be a deep want/need to be with someone else. I'm still under 30 so another partner is a far memory, yet i'm still youngish. It's like I've let this girl in and she has just opened a massive can of worms.

I love my girlfriend and know she loves me equally (or more) back. A break-up would kill her as i know she wants to marry. I also wanted marriage too, but have mixed feeling now. It's a pretty big decision and I can't really talk to any of my mates. Most are at this stage too close to my girlfriend and the rest are a pack of hunting players, who would deal out advice on the hope of getting another member for their pack.

Even though I have contemplated doing some bad things, remember that I have been a good loyal boyfriend for 10 years. Pretty much all my friends would testify to that. In fact I have treated her better in the past than she has treated me.

CDfm

OP - was this a drunken snog or does this other girl really like you. I was once kissed by a chantreuse (female singer) and it wasn't Kerry Katona and I had no illusions about it.

Was this a drunken fumble and are you misreading the situation as a come on.

I once spent the night with a girl I met at a party and it was a one night stand. Now I was single but she wasnt and she made the move. I had no illusions.

So what illusions do you have of this girl and what are fantasy and what are fact. How is your sex life ATM?

Compared to your girlfriend is she sexier, slimmer or what is it about her that makes her attractive. Love or lust? Have you spoken to this girl since? I mean some people set up a new relationship before exiting one. Its called monkey bars. I mean its cynical but if you were to make a move dont you think you should find out.

Marriage babies. Do you want them or do they appal you.

You mention that you have treated your ex better than she you. How so.

Are you testing the water to be unfaithful or have a last fling or are you going to contact this girl.If it wasnt this girl would it be someone else.

laura l

sounds to me that 10 years on, under 30 or not, you still want to keep your options open.

10YearStitch wrote: »

I love my girlfriend and know she loves me equally (or more) back. A break-up would kill her as i know she wants to marry. I also wanted marriage too, but have mixed feeling now. It's a pretty big decision and I can't really talk to any of my mates.

you "wanted marriage too", but ten years on you have still not popped the question. i have known guys to "pop the question" to their other halves within a year of knowing that a girl is "the one" and ten years on you are still pussyfooting around it?! Indecisiveness = no.

10YearStitch wrote: »

A break-up would kill her as i know she wants to marry.

you seem to think you are doing your girlfriend a favour by staying in the relationship. Pardon my crassness, but sh*t or get off the pot. you are not doing her a favour by any means. she is not going to thank you for prolonging a deadend relationship considering you have cheated on her with another girl. How do you know a breakup would kill her? it may give the girl a new lease of life to find someone who thinks the world of her.

10YearStitch wrote: »

1. I am really attracted to this other girl. At this moment in time I feel more attracted to this random girl than to my partner.

2. That i am/was willing to meet her again. That's selfish but true.

3. If more than a kiss was going to happen at the party then I would have let it happen (that's mean, even I know that)

if you feel like this now towards the new girl why would you consider staying with the girlfriend of 10 years with no ties, kids or financial commitments to add in at present? how do you see the relationship getting any sweeter or stronger?

10YearStitch wrote: »

Even though I have contemplated doing some bad things, remember that I have been a good loyal boyfriend for 10 years. Pretty much all my friends would testify to that. In fact I have treated her better in the past than she has treated me.

this comes across as a way to justify your thoughts and actions to yourself IMO. Perhaps you have had cold feet, but you kissed another girl and by your own admittance would have gone further if possible. again, i think you are keeping your options open.
if you think so highly of your girlfriend of ten years then cut her loose. she doesn't deserve this.

do you have any other concrete reasons for staying with your LT girlfriend aside from "a break up would kill her" or do you have children or a house together or something?

LegacyUser

I don't have kids or a house, just memories and a lot of time and effort. I just can't move on simply because i have no ties. It's been 10 years, this could be simply cold feet. I'm just
hoping that i'm not falling out of love.

Marriage and babies for me? Yes.

WHy i treat her better?... there's been cheating before and it wasn't me..

CDfm: The idea of meeting this new girl again was a bit of a fantasy at first, but i'm definitely not setting things up to move from one partner to the next. Just wondering if I'm heading in the right direction.
Looking back on events now, it was definitely lust. She was slimmer and different, that's about it, there was no other real connection. However, i think i'm testing the water to be unfaithful (but not looking for another partner) and it's not a last fling.

Laura: I don't believe that Indecisiveness = no. Maybe when i was younger i would have believed that but i believe that all reasonable and rational people will think their actions through, and yes, this can be seen as been indecisiveness or pussyfooting. But to me, it's just someone who thinks before they act. And likes to get things right

And yes, i am keeping my options open, that's why i'm not married.