lack of sex

harsh times

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a number of years now. We’re both in our mid-late 20’s and I love her very much. But we are having a serious problem. For the first two years of our relationship we had great sex. 4 - 5 times a week or more. Sex was really good and we used to try new things all the time. Then we decided to move in together and the sex immediately became less regular. Maybe twice a week. And even when we were doing it she seemed a little less interested. This became worse over time and after a year of living together we were having sex once a month. I became very frustrated by it because I have a healthy sex drive and also frustrated that she wasn’t keen on talking about the problem. I became cold and distant towards her because of this and she then moved out. She went to live with her sister. We got things back on track though, as I decided that I would give it my best shot, just to see if I could work this out. I have tried to be very romantic and spontaneous. I buy her flowers a couple of times a week, little prezzies, bring her out for nice meals, go to places she really likes, bring her away for weekends, give her massages after a hard day of work and so on. It’s been 4 months of being like this and if anything, the problem has got worse. Its gotten to the stage that the most I get is a hug and a peck on the cheek. We’ve had sex three times in the last four months. I sat her down two months ago and told her how frustrated I was and I told her she should go to see a GP or a counsellor if even to say that we tried to work the problem out. She told me she had no sexual desires anymore but agreed to see a GP or counsellor but never went to see anyone about it. She avoids the subject like the plague and will not engage in a conversation about it. I’m at my wits end now. I’ve tried everything, I haven’t put her under any pressure for sex, I’ve been patient but she hasn’t responded. Another couple of months of this and I think I will end up breaking up with her. I don’t want to do this. I could probably live without sex if she has an actual medical or psychological problem, I love her so much that I would live without it. But because she won’t do anything about it I have reached the end of my patience. So any advice or thoughts on this?

shellyboo

Well, you've done all the right things, OP, can't say you haven't tried. She hasn't put in the effort on her part to try to fix it though.

I think, given that you've been patient about the whole thing and you've tried your best, one last talk is really all you can do. Sit her down again, tell her all the things you told her before - as well as saying you're disappointed she didn't keep her word and go to the GP to try and fix it, and that her lack of effort or will to help you fix this problem is making you want to end the relationship. Perhaps that will be the incentive she needs.

Give her one more chance to fix it... if she still doesn't, then I think you know what you have to do.

LegacyUser

Ive been in the same situation. I actually moved abroad to be with my ex. I was so in love with her, we were so in love but after we moved in the sex stopped.

I also suggested seeing a doctor, councilor but she was having none of it.

We went on holidays to Sardinia, beautiful romantic little town. No sex for 10 days. I was patient but going crazy. We went to Rome, Barcelona, Edinburgh, London, lots of romantic places but NO sex. Im not saying one has to have sex on holiday but there was no sex at home either. The thing is, my ex didnt see it as a problem. She said we love each other we are together, isnt that enough. I tried to let that be enough but after 2 years of this and 1.5 years of no sex I had to leave her. It broke my heart it broke her heart and I still miss her but how can 2 people stay together with no intimacy ?

harsh times

fondue wrote: »

Ive been in the same situation. I actually moved abroad to be with my ex. I was so in love with her, we were so in love but after we moved in the sex stopped.

I also suggested seeing a doctor, councilor but she was having none of it.

We went on holidays to Sardinia, beautiful romantic little town. No sex for 10 days. I was patient but going crazy. We went to Rome, Barcelona, Edinburgh, London, lots of romantic places but NO sex. Im not saying one has to have sex on holiday but there was no sex at home either. The thing is, my ex didnt see it as a problem. She said we love each other we are together, isnt that enough. I tried to let that be enough but after 2 years of this and 1.5 years of no sex I had to leave her. It broke my heart it broke her heart and I still miss her but how can 2 people stay together with no intimacy ?

This seems to be a similar situation. just a total lack of interest and not seeing it as important. don't want to end the relationship but i don't want to spend the rest of my life living like a monk. and I'm not one for cheating, I don't believe in it.

Wibbs

Like everything, people's sex drive varies. It can vary a lot. The problem with a situation like this is that at first you're on the same page, just when the natural slowdown happens, you end up on very different ones. Mens desire is complex enough but womens? Very complex.

This seems to happen more when a new relationship practical stage is reached. So moving in together, getting married and the like, there's almost a feeling of well that bits done, next.

It can be down to compatibility too. Some people are bloody great together as boy friend and girlfriend, dating and meeting twice a week. Put them living together and it just doesn't work. The familiar knocks the wind outa the sexual sails. I know that happened with an ex of mine. The bloke after me went really well. Better as a couple than we were, but when they moved in together it died a death. We might have been dubious on the BF/GF side but we would have been better as live in lovers.

I know one very good couple it happened to and they solved it by sleeping in separate beds and making a concerted effort to keep the dating thing going. It worked for them. He was the issue there. This can happen with as many men as women IMHO. Though lack of desire is usually thought of as a "womans problem".

In your case OP, it sounds like you've been doing all the romance stuff, so it doesn't seem to be that. How is the practical relationship stuff? That can throw desire too. Are you too "nice" and passive in sexual matters? Maybe she needs more passion, rather than sweet neckrubs. That can defo be an issue too. Sweet can be lovely, but not if it's not tempered with passionate "I need to have you. Now" stuff. IMHO that can be a problem when there's this much of a drop after the initial 18 months madness. Good men can make the mistake that being nice and considerate to a fault is what will work, when being more proactive may work better.

If she wont talk about it though, I would be concerned. She may quite simply not see it as a problem as it isn't to her. Her post honeymoon period sex drive may just be very low. She could be with a new guy and it's mad nookie time and a year in she may be the same as she is with you.

I don't envy you. I doubt I could stay with someone no matter how much I loved them if my fairly strong in my case need for sexual intimacy wasn't reciprocated.

harsh times

thanks WIBBS. good post. Its certainly not a lack of passion and "i need you now" thing. I've been there, many times. Maybe I am too passive and too nice though. Would it be an option to be a bit of a b*stard to her??? would that spark her off possibly??
I'd try anything at this point.:(

shellyboo

Nope, that won't work. She'll use it as another excuse not to have sex with you.

The problem is with her, not with you. Her sex drive has disappeared, not because you've changed, or not because of the things you're doing/not doing, but because it just... has. She needs to see a GP about it, this is her responsibility to fix... you can only do so much.

Wibbs

Not a bastard, no. Defo no. Again I think men can go either extreme here.

Be more proactive sexually and also reinforce your frustration in a practical way. Reward her, don't bribe her.

So if you've been romantic and it's not being returned, well dial that romance back. Don't add to it. Make her work for the romance. If say she was being sexual with you with no need for you to be romantic at all, soon enough you would find yourself not bothering with romance.

Make the romance and sex more a hand in hand thing. That may kick start her sexual feelings. It's likely to up her emotional feelings which should go hand in hand. Make up sex is usually great and passionate because of the passionate emotions involved, including the release of the "bad" emotions. I'd say the same to a woman in your position too BTW.

harsh times

shellyboo wrote: »

Nope, that won't work. She'll use it as another excuse not to have sex with you.

The problem is with her, not with you. Her sex drive has disappeared, not because you've changed, or not because of the things you're doing/not doing, but because it just... has. She needs to see a GP about it, this is her responsibility to fix... you can only do so much.

thanks shellyboo. it looks as though I will have to have another chat. maybe at the weekend. hopefully she wil see sense.

Wibbs

shellyboo wrote: »

Nope, that won't work. She'll use it as another excuse not to have sex with you.

Yep that's possible too.

The problem is with her, not with you. Her sex drive has disappeared, not because you've changed, or not because of the things you're doing/not doing, but because it just... has. She needs to see a GP about it, this is her responsibility to fix... you can only do so much.

Maybe, maybe not, or at least there's always two sides to a relationship issue. Maybe not because he changed, maybe it's because he's not changed. That could be where the sexual boredom may be coming from.

I do agree that something needs to be addressed. If she won't talk about it then you're kinda in trouble. Then again talking too much about sex as a problem, can make it more of a problem and can often take the sexiness out of it.

harsh times

Wibbs wrote: »

Not a bastard, no. Defo no. Again I think men can go either extreme here.

Be more proactive sexually and also reinforce your frustration in a practical way. Reward her, don't bribe her.

So if you've been romantic and it's not being returned, well dial that romance back. Don't add to it. Make her work for the romance. If say she was being sexual with you with no need for you to be romantic at all, soon enough you would find yourself not bothering with romance.

Make the romance and sex more a hand in hand thing. That may kick start her sexual feelings. It's likely to up her emotional feelings which should go hand in hand. Make up sex is usually great and passionate because of the passionate emotions involved, including the release of the "bad" emotions. I'd say the same to a woman in your position too BTW.

hard to knnow HOW to be proactive though. I've tried pretty much everything at this point. the spontaneous thing doesnt work, changing the setting doesnt work, lingerie i bought is in the end of her wardrobe gathering dust, and so on.
there has to be something to make her realise she has to start making a big effort here. talking hasn't had that effect.

Miss Fluff

It sounds like you have been incredibly patient and understanding here tbh. Don't go down the baxtard route, it doesn't sound like it would come naturally to you and it will only make both of you miserable.

To my mind she simply doesn't fancy you any more (I got like that for the last 5/6 months of a 6-year relationship, we were having sex about once/twice a month simply because I just didn't see him in that way any more!) That may be a bitter pill to swallow.

Alternatively she may have some deeper psychological issue and her libido has taken a nose-dive as a result. Is she stressed? Had a bereavement? Has her weight changed dramatically?

I think you need to have that talk with her again and sort this once and for all and make it clear that it HAS to be discussed and CAN'T be brushed under the carpet. If you're not having sex then you are just friends who happen to care about each other very deeply. I think you seem like a decent guy and deserve to get this sorted once and for all - no excuses.

harsh times

Miss Fluff wrote: »

It sounds like you have been incredibly patient and understanding here tbh. Don't go down the baxtard route, it doesn't sound like it would come naturally to you and it will only make both of you miserable.

To my mind she simply doesn't fancy you any more (I got like that for the last 5/6 months of a 6-year relationship, we were having sex about once/twice a month simply because I just didn't see him in that way any more!) That may be a bitter pill to swallow.

Alternatively she may have some deeper psychological issue and her libido has taken a nose-dive as a result. Is she stressed? Had a bereavement? Has her weight changed dramatically?

I think you need to have that talk with her again and sort this once and for all and make it clear that it HAS to be discussed and CAN'T be brushed under the carpet. If you're not having sex then you are just friends who happen to care about each other very deeply. I think you seem like a decent guy and deserve to get this sorted once and for all - no excuses.

she has been very stressed at work. could be a factor.

Oh The Humanity

harsh times wrote: »

hard to knnow HOW to be proactive though. I've tried pretty much everything at this point. the spontaneous thing doesnt work, changing the setting doesnt work, lingerie i bought is in the end of her wardrobe gathering dust, and so on.
there has to be something to make her realise she has to start making a big effort here. talking hasn't had that effect.

Headwrecker. The ironic thing about these types of people is when you dump them they are astounded and often come up with statements like 'you should have told me thelack of sex was such a big problem' !!!!

When all along you did try to tell them but they didn't listen/understand.

I dunno, another thing too with all this romancing/flowers/consideration if you look at it one way: you are actually rewarding her for her behaviour. She is getting all this understanding and adoration but meanwhile is sitting totally complacent not bothering her barney doing anything about the problem.

I've been on both ends of this problem. It's no big deal to have sex with someone an extra two times for example per week when initially you don't feel like it. People make out having sex is this huge sacrifice that partners should have to beg for, but thats wrong. One partner might have a higher drive but its reasonable to go halfway to try to meet them.

On the other hand I had an ex who turned out to be like your girlfriend. The thing that was worst was the refusal to discuss it and the denial and selfishness of he didn't want it so end of conversation. He got dumped quicksmart and rightly so.

She is complacent. She imagines that she has a whole lot more wriggle room on the issue than she has. She hears you pleading and trying to discuss it but she lazily blanks it and stonewalls you. How utterly selfish and disrespectful.

Unfortunately many times the wake up call that cops these people on is breaking up. They soon listen then, but its too late.

harsh times

thanks for the post humanity. i do get angry like that at times and think like that at times. maybe she is being selfish and i have to remove her from her comfort zone. its probably the next thing to try.

Oh The Humanity

I think you have to try to sit her down and talk to her. At least you can say then you tried everything.

I'll give you a piece of advice though. If she starts crying and making excuses and trying to guilt manipulate you into dropping the subject then unfortunately you have your answer.

Work is always going to be stressful. There are always a million reasons not to have sex. That is never going to change in life. You sound very understanding, but let her know your patience has a limit.

Hope you can get it sorted.

harsh times

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

I think you have to try to sit her down and talk to her. At least you can say then you tried everything.

I'll give you a piece of advice though. If she starts crying and making excuses and trying to guilt manipulate you into dropping the subject then unfortunately you have your answer.

Work is always going to be stressful. There are always a million reasons not to have sex. That is never going to change in life. You sound very understanding, but let her know your patience has a limit.

Hope you can get it sorted.

thanks. im not one for running away from anything just because its difficult. thats why im still trying. but i suppose i have to have "the chat"

Vasco

Sounds like a nightmare. If i were you I would start treating her like a bastard. often works. If she still won't paly ball (excuse the pun) show her the door.

fairycakes

Hi OP

I was in same situation for two years the guy I was seeing
had little or no interest with sex. It drove me mad I found it very frustating as I have a really high sex drive, I tried to talk to him about it but he just wasn't interested in sorting it out. In the end I had to break up with him lovely guy but we just weren't working well in that way. You have done all the right things so Its up to her now to seek help and work on the relationship.

Wish you very best of luck

harsh times

fairycakes wrote: »

Hi OP

I was in same situation for two years the guy I was seeing
had little or no interest with sex. It drove me mad I found it very frustating as I have a really high sex drive, I tried to talk to him about it but he just wasn't interested in sorting it out. In the end I had to break up with him lovely guy but we just weren't working well in that way. You have done all the right things so Its up to her now to seek help and work on the relationship.

Wish you very best of luck

thanks fairycakes.
maybe i need a girl like you!! only jokin. i think the ball is in her court, its up to her to make this work now.

Curvy Vixen

Lot of good advice about the 'mental' side of things has been given but it'd be worth putting your foot down on the GP side at least too.

If she is on the pill that could very well be a factor in her sex drive and if not then the doctor can do a hormone test on her. It's done on women in their 40's+ to check as to whether the menopause has kicked in yet. Her level of hormones could be out of kilter.

Good luck though...it would be a deal breaker for me because of the lack of sex but also because of the lack of her taking this seriously.

harsh times

Curvy Vixen wrote: »

Lot of good advice about the 'mental' side of things has been given but it'd be worth putting your foot down on the GP side at least too.

If she is on the pill that could very well be a factor in her sex drive and if not then the doctor can do a hormone test on her. It's done on women in their 40's+ to check as to whether the menopause has kicked in yet. Her level of hormones could be out of kilter.

Good luck though...it would be a deal breaker for me because of the lack of sex but also because of the lack of her taking this seriously.

thanks vixen. ive considered the hormone side of things before, but again, she wont go to the gp. so i still have the same problem .she's not on the pill but she used to be and since she stopped taking it, there has been a lack of sex.

fairycakes

Yes it is up to her and nobody should have to bribe there other half into
wanting to have sex with them!! you wouldnt be able to handle me lol only kidding! No seriously hope it works out for you both..take care

harsh times

fairycakes wrote: »

Yes it is up to her and nobody should have to bribe there other half into
wanting to have sex with them!! you wouldnt be able to handle me lol only kidding! No seriously hope it works out for you both..take care

thanks, hun.

Curvy Vixen

harsh times wrote: »

thanks vixen. ive considered the hormone side of things before, but again, she wont go to the gp. so i still have the same problem .she's not on the pill but she used to be and since she stopped taking it, there has been a lack of sex.

That in itself could be an issue...the whole 'getting pregnant/scared of getting pregnant' thing.

You need to push it or accept it OP...relationships are about compromise and if one of you has an issue then the relationship has an issue and that's something that both of you need to deal with not just one of you.

That or accept that this is your life now...and it doesn't sound like it's making you very happy

harsh times

Curvy Vixen wrote: »

and it doesn't sound like it's making you very happy

not a very happy bunny right now. ive always had a very active sex life with previous partners and i love to have sex and feel its an essential part of a loving relationship. without it the relationship is missing one of its major components. and it gets me down. and is effecting my self esteem greatly. :(

LegacyUser

Has she put on weight or anything? maybe she just doesnt feel comfortable

harsh times

south walk wrote: »

Has she put on weight or anything? maybe she just doesnt feel comfortable

no there is no change there.

G-Money

I can understand why you are frustrated. You seem like you've done everything you can and she's unwilling or unable to do anything about it from her side.

What do you think would happen if the situation were reversed?

harsh times

grandmaster wrote: »

I can understand why you are frustrated. You seem like you've done everything you can and she's unwilling or unable to do anything about it from her side.

What do you think would happen if the situation were reversed?

not an easy question to answer. id suspect that a girl might stray.

LegacyUser

Oh my lord this is the oldest story in the book and should be 'stickied'...in the exact same boat with my missus myself alas... Even more of a killer when married with kids...And there is a link between this kinda post and the one about the guy with 5 kids who was upset when dumped by his mistress (he was eaten alive by most posters)

harsh times

user6789 wrote: »

Oh my lord this is the oldest story in the book and should be 'stickied'...in the exact same boat with my missus myself alas... Even more of a killer when married with kids...And there is a link between this kinda post and the one about the guy with 5 kids who was upset when dumped by his mistress (he was eaten alive by most posters)

in all fairness this is a totally different situation.

LegacyUser

Motivation/starting point is the same ...despair at lack of sex...I felt a certain sympathy for the guy while also feeling for his poor wife...(but its easy to imagine if YOU fast forward 10 years being in his shoes OP)

G-Money

If I listen to my cynical side, I suspect she'd end it if the situation was reversed. I think there's only so much a person can do before they just have to give up as they're wasting their time.

I wonder though if you ended it with her because of that and told her, would it make her get her act together and do something about it? From the sounds of it, she's making no effort at all.

I'm betting if the situation was reversed, she'd be saying stuff like how it's making her feel unattractive and the classic "its affecting my confidence". I rarely buy that one though. I often think it's thrown around just to add weight to an argument, even though in reality there's no connection between the issue and their confidence.

I'd say give it a while and if there's no more improvement, you might just have to end it.

Fox McCloud

I think you should explain to her that this is a dealbreaker for you, as it would be for most people. Sex is an important part of a relationship. If she is not willing to explain why shes not interested in a sex anymore, or try councilling/GP then shes got to understand that she cant give you a proper relationship. I'm not sure how you could be in a relationship with someone and just ignore this issue, she must sense your unhappiness?

marni

HI OP. I'm sorry that you're currently in this situation. It's hard to know without knowing both of you what to say but here are a couple of suggestions.

1. Work stress is not an excuse. The reason being, work is always a source of stress for us all and can easily be replaced by another kind of stress - kids, housework, finances.....

2. It is imperative that either she has an honest and frank conversation with you or you seek outside help. Rather than insisting that she goes to see someone (it is a taboo subject afterall), why not make an appt yourself with either a GP or a therapist (lead by example) and make a statement of how serious you are about this. Perhaps she could join you at a therapy session. A therapist will know after a couple of meetings where this is going and what's really going on. They are clever like that.

3. Her lack of sex may have started out due to something simple like work or worry about her figure or worry that she'll get pregnant (you mention she's not on any kind of pill) but it is possible that she feels you're now pressuring her and that has exacerbated the problem, pushing her further into her shell. If so, you are banging your head off a brick wall sitting her down, telling her to see a GP, giving ultimatums etc. You're wasting your money on gifts and flowers - one, because you're saying to her she gets treated like a princess if she doesn't put out and two, she knows the real reason you're buying her flowers and lingerie and weekends away - so they're not really appreciated cos you're putting pressure on her whether intentional or not. There are many mixed emotions here. Your money would be better invested in getting some help for you first and foremost. The rest will follow it's natural course.

4. Don't be a baxtard - that would be letting yourself down - be firm.

5. Eventually, you guys need to establish if she is unable or unwilling to see your point of view and if she is unable or unwilling to make life lasting changes in this area. But be prepared to stick with your threat of leaving if she tells you what you don't want to hear. At the moment, she has the best of all worlds.

You say that you went your seperate ways in the past but you're back for more - it is that you are very stubborn and have to fix the unfixable for your own ego? How honest are you being with yourself? We all know deep deep down the truth about our relationships, is it possible you are ignoring the truth?

You have a decision to make at some point. If the relationship does falter, the best you can do is take your lessons from it and be aware of what's right or wrong for you in the future and take definitive action sooner. Good luck with it but please do look after your own mental health first.

annon123

I in general agree with all the other posters,however i'm going to throw the cat among the pigeons and suggest that perhaps the problem does not law with her as suggested by many, but maybe she just isn't enjoying sex anymore? Has she become frustrated with the lack of enjoyment at the end...perhaps you thought she was enjoying it but it would be quite difficult to say to someone you love they just are not doing it for you anymore. I'm just really trying to see another angle here. Perhaps its worth asking her about it too?

daisybelle2008

harsh times wrote: »

thanks. im not one for running away from anything just because its difficult. thats why im still trying. but i suppose i have to have "the chat"

You have to think about the cost attached to that. It is going to affect your self esteem and do more and more damage. I can't see it getting better if she refuses to address it in an an honest fashion. Regardless of whether it is hormonal or that she sees you more as a friend or brother and does not fancy you physcially anymore, the net result is you are being rejected by her in a very critical area of a relationship. I would put this to her. If she refuses GP and counselling it is only fair to assume that she does not fancy you anymore and if she has a heart she would not want you feeling that if it is not the case.