My mums gone :(

LegacyUser

My mam died just over 6 months ago. I miss her more than words could ever say. Every day I get this sinking feeling in my stomach. The last 2 days I have had tears in my eyes in work. I think the denial stage is finally starting to fade and I just feel immense sadness, yet still cant come to terms with never seeing her again. It makes me angry too when I think that she was so young to die and that Im so young to go the next 40 odd years of my life without a mum. She wont even be at my wedding, or ever get to have a grandchild. My eyes are watering even just writing this. Im 23.

But the worst feeling is something that I have never heard before. Its almost like I have amnesia when it comes to her. Even though she has only been gone 6 months - I have NO memories of her. Maybe 5 or 6 - thats it.. I try and remember her and.. nothing. Its literally like amnesia. Is this my bodies way of helping me cope? If I could remember all the happy times maybe I would just get too depressed? Will the memories ever return?

I get so angry seeing every one my age who still has their mother because she was my best friend in the world and I would do anything and everything for even just 1 last hug.

Nevyn

You may be at the stage where you need to remember the happy times to help you cope.
Do you have family you can go spend time with and talk to about your Mam and share memories of her with each other, photos or film of her to look at, listen to her favourate music ect.

Davidth88

OP , firstly my deepest sympathy.

I too lost my mother about 18 months ago.

I actually found that counselling helped , before that I found that things were just getting on top of me and everything.

Best of luck in the future

LegacyUser

Op.. when i lost my dad 4 year s ago.. I was like that .. on auto-pilot for 4/5 months .. then it all hit me..
why did my friends all still have both parents!.. he wouldn't walk me down the aisle,! be there for my graduation.. you think everything for the rest of your life will be tainted..
this is a natural reaction..
I literally spent 7/8 months wher every time some-one brought dad up in conversation.. I got too upset. then they'd stop even mentioning it to me
That annoyed me as so wanted to keep him memory alive..
eventually someone recommended counselling.. honeestly best thing I did..
She convinced me that it would get better and to remember the good times.. not to remeber them with sadness..
Also I understand your afraid you'll forget memories.. i kept a photo with me since was afraid of that.. always there then..
it def doesn't happen overnight but now I can talk bout dad with happy memories and I am at the stage where you think.. ok I don't get to have them there on special occasions but got so many good memories to help me through.. in my case 19 year of great dad..
inyour 23 of your mum..
Please consider counselling as i put it off for a few months and honestly everytime the smallest thing goes against you.. you will get angry and blame everything on that situation..

sorry bit of ramble .. hope makes sense..
It will get better promise.. so keep the chin up..

tbh

my sympathies OP. You just deal with it the way you deal with it, don't try to judge whether you're wrong or right. Probably at the moment, you're clinging onto memories of your mam, which makes it harder to recall. Like when something's on the tip of your tongue, and you're under pressure to recall it - it's nigh on impossible. After a little bit of time has passed (6 months is nothing really), you'll start to remember little inconsequential things. And after another little while, they'll make you laugh rather than cry. It's a cliche, but it's true - time heals all wounds. You won't ever be able to think of her without missing her, but it won't cause you as much pain as it does now.

Maybe you'd find it helpful if you were to write her a letter? Tell her how you're feeling, how you miss her and how you're coping. While you're thinking these thoughts, your brain will be recalling similar times in the past, and probably your mam was there to help you through. It's a simple process that lets you "hear" your mams voice in your head. You know what she would say, so let yourself remember. Writing is usually a good trigger for that.

LegacyUser

Hi OP.

1st off...my sympathies on the loss of your mam. I lost my mam when 3 years ago when I was 20. I felt exactly like you do now. I don't know about you but I felt that losing my mam was worse than anyone else losing their mams if you know what I mean (like my grief was more intense than anyone else's?). Anyway, about a year ago I still could not get my head around the fact that my mam had gone (I was still speaking about her in the presne tense) and it had started to affect different areas of my life. I knew I could go on like this. My family had been great and tried really hard for me but I knew I needed to speak to someone impartial as such...someone who knew not one jot what my mother was like. It was great to be honest because for the 2 hours a week I was seeing this counsellor, I could talk about my mam (good and bad times). I could tell this person what she was like when she was alive. I laughed about her and cried about her. And because this person had no idea of who my mam was, she couldn't comment on her feelings towards my mams death...she just let me ramble (sort of what I'm doing with this post so I'll stop now )

I really think this could help you.

I hope things get better for you OP, I really do. xxx

shabaz

Hello Op,

I just want to give you my sympathy and love, I too have just lost my Mam only 2 months ago, and tbh it has'nt even hit me so I think ill be feeling the same as you soon. Im terrified of when it does hit me, knew I was handling this all too well.

Best of luck, all I am trying to think of is my Mam had been through enough pain and is somewhere better now, even tho we miss her and were'nt ready for her to go. So like that if you have a good family Brothers and Sisters I think just talk, talk to eachother and be there for eachother, or talk to your friends.

Love

S

DanFindy

Im so sorry for your loss, I cant say i lost my ma or da but i had a friend who was close to a second father to me who died 5 yrs ago and im still reduced to tears thinking about him, it feels like a part of me is gone, he tought me everything i know about my hobby we did a lot together and i feel terrily cheated he was taken away. I know he was 57 or so but no matter. Memories will start flooding back as time passes, sometimes you will cry sometimes you will laugh sometimes both together but i do feel it helps to cry and cry properly not holding it back in case someone comes in the room, its easy enough to explain. Kep your head up thats what your ma ould want u to do, shes looking down n you every day, think of that speak to her on a quiet moment she will be listening. Again sorry for your loss nd i hope all works out well for u:)

Blogger50

Hi Op,

Firstly I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my mother just a year ago. She was also very young - she passed away two weeks before her 59th birthday. Its a long story but she had been ill and then better over the course of ten years. However last year she just went into hospital and never came out. I watched her struggle to stay and go through hell in the process and in the end she couldnt fight any more. I now take some comfort in the fact thats shes finally at peace.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble, regards your situation, everything you feel is totally normal. I also struggled to recall memories, even though I had spent 35 great years with my mum. I think when you try to remember so soon after you sort of block them out. They will come back and pop up all the time without you realising if you know what I mean. I remember not long after she died sitting in a cafe watching the world go by and being really angry with everyone for just going about their business. As if the world should stop revolving because MY mother was gone. This will pass.

I understand totally what you mean about feeling that your grief is worse than everyone elses. My cousin died in April and I still feel I am worse off than his family - which of course isnt true.

Look, sorry if I am rambling but what I really wanted to say was that everything you are going through is natural and in time you will know what the right course of action is for you. I havent had counselling so cant comment on it. In the meantime if you need to talk please feel free to PM me.
My thoughts are with you.
B

MizzLolly

Awh you poor thing OP. I'm really sorry to read that. Can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling, I felt sick reading it myself because the very thought of it is something I honestly never, ever, ever want to face. It's so sad that you're dealing with it now.

One thing I can say that I hope will ease your mind somewhat is that this amnesia you mention is actually quite common. Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm almost sure it happens as a sort of defense mechanism after a traumatic experience. It's a form of post traumatic stress if I remember correctly. I suffered this way myself for a while after a series of unfortunate events and one thing I noticed as I began to accept it all was that I was slowly remembering things that I had somehow completely forgotten. I also know from numerous deaths in my family that many of my relatives struggled with this type of amnesia. My cousin, who lost her mother when she was 12, often feels guilty at not remembering her as she wishes she could. There is even a fear there of forgetting more of her and eventually not being able to remember at all. Of course this isn't going to happen. You both just have an enormous amount to absorb and you simply can't take it all on board. (I honestly don't think any of us can just accept something like this easily)

Really, don't be worrying yourself over not being able to remember. It's been eight years since something I'd blocked out happened and it's only in the last year or two that I can remember details of it. It is just a defense mechanism to help you deal with the trauma. One thing that will help you a lot is speaking to a counsellor. I know it's the run of the mill response to a bereavement but it really can help. As you deal with one thought, you'll notice more and more coming to the surface and eventually you'll begin to remember more about your mother.

Talking it through with a counsellor can be difficult and you'll probably find yourself exhausted after some sessions but my advice would be to stick at it. It won't make everything okay again but I promise you that it'll make it all feel a little bit better and will deffo help with the memories.


Best of luck and take care of yourself.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

Don't have any advice that other's haven't said. Just wanted to give you a BIG HUG, that is so awful, 23 is so very young to loose your mum. I'm so sorry for you.

BIG HUG!

teachertrixibel

so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my mum 7 years ago and I didn't grieve for a year. I then went for counselling which was the best decision ever. It was the most therapeutic thing in the world. One of the suggestions I got from my counsellor was to set up a "memory box" of my mum. Basically I put in anything that reminded me of my mum in it - photos, an old plane ticket! etc etc. Every couple of weeks I go through it and just remember my mum. That's not to say I dont' think of her all the time - I do. And I can't bear the fact that she won't be there when I get married, or that she wasn't there when I graduated and other things like that. Even today, I heard a clip for "We're walking in the air". This was one of my mum's favourite Christmas tunes and I ended up in tears!You will remember those wonderful memories - how could you forget your own mam? It will just take time. Mind yourself and big hugs to you

Trix
x

Eve_Dublin

It´s upsetting reading all these posts. It´s horrible OP, it´s been horrible for everyone here and I´m very sorry for you all. I lost my mam when I was a kid...18 years ago now and I still get incredibly sad when I think about the fact that I lived most of my formative years without her in my life and like yourself, I get resentful of others who had their mothers their whole lives. I miss having that emotional support only a mother can give when life is tough and I get angry at her for not taking better care of herself when she was alive and I even sometimes get jealous of my older siblings who knew her better than I did and have more memories to share...and then I feel bad for feeling all these feelings but that´s how I feel and I can´t help it.

OP EVERYTHING you feel is "normal"...the anger, the resentment, the memory amnesia, the bursting out in tears in public places...you have to feel how you feel and whatever you do, don´t bottle it up. I never dealt with my grieving, never saw a counsellor and I wish I did. I guess it wasn´t the norm 18 years ago, particularly for a child. You have to deal with your grief at some stage, I´m dealing with mine now 18 years later...out of the blue in the past year I get upset about my mother more than I ever did before. Not sure what triggered it off though.

You won´t remember everything about her but between you and the rest of your family you will so talk about it as much as you can and take care of yourself. I promise it gets easier to cope with in time if you let yourself grieve now.

foodie66

Hi OP,

I have not lost a parent but i have lost a sibling so i know what this loss is like. All i can say is it DOES get better. You will still get sad out of the blue for random reasons and that is normal. Right now, you just have to take one day at a time. Try not to look too far ahead, getting up and functioning is all you need to worry about. I didn't go to counselling but it was quite a long time ago when it wasn't all the rage so certainly if you feel you will benefit from it do it. Do you have close friends to talk to? I found it easier to talk to my best friend as i was afraid of upsetting my family who were all trying to get through it themselves. It depends on the situation. Some families are big talkers, others aren't. All you need is one person to go to when you need a shoulder to cry on.

Its also important for you to look after yourself. Make sure you are eating right, getting a bit of exercise and doing things you like such as going to a concert or having a wkend away. Just little things that will keep your morale up and bring a little positivity into your life. I found it difficult sleeping for a long time, it wouldn't necessarily be out of sadness just one of those nights but of course when you can't sleep you end up thinking of it and worrying etc. I used to just get up and clean out a cupboard or watch some tv, anything that would distract me from tossing and turning and feeling like morning would never come.

Try to remember that you will get through this, I think we can get through anything, you just have to keep going on with your life. It will get easier. Take Care

fizzz

hey,
I am sorry about your loss... I lost my dad two years ago (I was 22 that time) so I more likely know your pain... me and my dad were really close like you were close with your mummy.. it's been over 2 years and I still can't get over it, it's just too hard but I am doing my best and trying to live my life the way he would want me to ... I am trying to make him proud every day even though he's not here with me ... the only person I talked to(about how I feel) was and is my boyfriend... sometimes it helps, sometimes not ... he doesn't really understands me because he still has his both parents but he does his best to help me and I do appreciate it ... I wouldn't talk about it to my mum cuz I am afraid I could upset her or something...
The only thing i can tell you is, try to live your life the way she would like you to... make her proud of you... - that's what i am doing cuz I know that he's "looking at me" all the time ...

good luck

LadyMayBelle

OP..my deepest sympathies. You're working through one of the hardest and sadnest events in anyone's life and you sound like you need amongst other things, to give yourself a break. You've had such a rough time and your mind must be full of so much, and now this fear of forgetting memories.

All I can advise is go and seek some bereavement support, as in counselling. Talk out what you are feeling, your fears and you'll find just talking about your mum will bring those memories back. They are still in there, you just think you have forgotten!

I had a similar experience with a close family member; I got really stressed out because I forgot what their voice sounded like. No matter how much I tried I couldn't hear them. But it came back.

Talk about it OP, and keep your mum with you.

x